I’ve said something terrible to my daughter and I feel absolutely awful for it!

[Bestofthebestt]

My daughter is 5 years old and although she’s an amazing, funny and kind little girl, I really, really struggle with her screaming tantrums.

They have been an issue since she was really small. If something doesn’t go her way, her instant response to that is to scream! And I mean scream!

We never give into the screaming and have had meetings with school etc who have given us strategies to help and we have had some successes with those but some days it can be absolutely relentless.

The other day, she was screaming again over something so trivial. I’m not a shouter and I’ve never smacked my kids either but I did hit breaking point and said something I really regret. I had tried all of the strategies but the screaming was getting louder and louder. I said to her that screaming like that is not okay. I explained that the neighbours would worry what was going on. I said “what if they call the police?” “What if the police think you’re not safe because of all of this screaming and think they need to take you away.” I’ve tried so many things to get to grips with this and just at this point, wanted the screaming to stop. My older daughter actually had to put ear defenders on because the noise was so loud. What I said had no impact on the screaming and DD didn’t appear to even care but I feel like the worst mum and parent for the fact that I’ve said this to her.

I had a chat with DD later and explained this wouldn’t happen and to be honest, she doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

I mean, what sort of mum says that to their child? I just feel wracked with guilt. I’m not even sure why I’m posting. I just hate myself for how I’ve handled this.

My mum used to tell us she'd take us to social services herself, but they'd bring us back. We turned out fine 🤷‍♀️

Its natural to get fustrated sometimes especially with toddliers. So please forgive yourself you are doing great. Toddliers are bloody hard work theres no doubt about it. Theres a book I found extremly helpful if you have time to read it. The Happiest Toddlier On The Block by Harvey Karp, Its great.

About time you told a home truth.
Excessive, loud, screaming to the point where ear defenders were required by a sibling is not acceptable, and could indeed get her reported.

It wasn’t “ Terrible”.
It was simply the truth.

Frankly, with screaming like that some people would eventually call the police. Not sure why you feel bad about it, she needs to stop doing it.

You did absolutely nothing wrong OP . There are levels of behaviour that are acceptable and there are those that aren’t . The only way for her to learn that is for you to keep telling her . That’s all you did . I do sympathise- I know it’s hard as I’ve been there with one of my children

I found 'the incredible years programme' useful. I did it as a zoom course. They have a book and its valuable as audiobook.

This isnt about punishing her for screaming, it's about teaching her to self regulate which she seems to be really struggling with.

And mine had a nap after school until 4th year of primary.

Look up girls with autism - not saying she has but could be useful in understanding her. She could be holding it supremely well together in school then falls apart at home.

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/carolyn-webster-stratton/incredible-years/9781892222046?gclid=CjwKCAjw_tWRBhAwEiwALxFPoV1YFO9lXz1tDGjxFRNzMWJzxI9RhyZ8haz-rqLnxRC21dNw8NMP2RoCVAgQAvD_BwE#GOR001399295?keyword=

I have told my daughter much worse 😳😞😞
It sounds as though your daughter may have SN. I would ask for referral fir assessment.

Your daughter sounds like my daughter. Have you ever heard about PDA before? I'd highly recommend having a look at this and speaking to a GP about a referral. Sadly my daughter is 13 and I only heard the term a few months ago I just thought she would grow out of her behaviours and as she's my only girl I just thought it was because she was a girl xx.. the wait for an asd assessment is 2 years in my area on the NHS so desperately saving to go private.

Rather than trying to manage the situation, it's useful to work out whether there are any ways you could manage the build up. I used to pick my autistic dd up from school and not question her about her day. She would talk if she wanted to. Once we got home she'd take a snack and a drink somewhere quiet and settle herself. It was the same routine every day. If she was upset, it had to run its course. Zero stimulation or pressure.

@Clarabe1

Ok I am going to say it and I will get flamed but here goes. I know autism exists because I am the child of an autistic parent ( it runs in the family) However reading Mumsnet you would think that virtually every kid is ND. No they are not- we ALL have autistic traits. That why it is called a spectrum. I read it every day ‘ my kid just set fire to the living room but we think he may have ND traits’ I agree with the poster saying stop labelling your kids. Sometimes bad behaviour is just that. Really bad autism which I have no doubt some of your kids have is fucking awful and you will know it if you child has it. It’s more than throwing tantrums for attention - because that’s what you keep giving her OP every time she behaves like that.

This simply isn't true. Having a diagnosis of ASD is a whole different level from NT people showing the odd autistic trait. However, the notion that ASD only counts if it is really severe and instantly recognisable is just as misleading.

What OP has mentioned in relation to her daughter's behaviour is a hell of a lot more than "throwing tantrums for attention". The masking in school followed by huge meltdowns at home is a big pointer - children with ASD mask because they feel a compulsion to fit in, but the strain of that is immense, particularly when it is combined with problems in understanding and processing speech, and sensory problems. OP also says that her daughter has very fixed views and when things don't happen as she expects that sets off a meltdown - again, very typical of children with autism. Obviously no-one can or would say it is definitely ASD, but it clearly couldn't do any harm to investigate further.

Could she be on the spectrum? I only ask because you have almost described my dd. She is quirky, clever, funny and behaves excellently at school. She is highly intelligent and prone to meltdowns when at home. She spends the day at school keeping her emotions in check and the sheer effort of this causes tearfulness at home, almost like she can't hold it in any longer.

This is completely Tue and you've got nothing to feel bad about. Have you told her the story of 'The boy who cried wolf'?

It sounds like a habit, next time she does it, try immediately lifting her in total silence, no eye contact either and place her on a chair, on a bed or whatever but away from the audience. Keep doing that, as soon as she stops give lots of attention. Praise the desired behaviour eg, 'You are using a quiet voice, let's get a game out'. You don't need to tolerate it indefinitely if you are 100% sure she's not screaming for a reason!

@Clarabe1

Ok I am going to say it and I will get flamed but here goes. I know autism exists because I am the child of an autistic parent ( it runs in the family) However reading Mumsnet you would think that virtually every kid is ND. No they are not- we ALL have autistic traits. That why it is called a spectrum. I read it every day ‘ my kid just set fire to the living room but we think he may have ND traits’ I agree with the poster saying stop labelling your kids. Sometimes bad behaviour is just that. Really bad autism which I have no doubt some of your kids have is fucking awful and you will know it if you child has it. It’s more than throwing tantrums for attention - because that’s what you keep giving her OP every time she behaves like that.

What a horrible, ignorant post.

Mumsnet doesn’t label every ‘naughty’ kid as SN. Posters offer this as a possibility when they realise there could be more to this given their own personal experiences of SN.
Autism isn’t called a spectrum because we all have traits .. ffs. It’s called a spectrum because it affects everyone in different ways - ranging from being completely unable to function, to being able to live daily life with various, milder difficulties.
OP’s child sounds like she’s masking at school, and struggling massively at home. A typical, girls autistic trait.
OP is not enabling her daughters behaviour by the sounds of it. You have no clue. You should think again before you post rubbish.

@Bestofthebestt

Thank you so much to those people who are being supportive and helpful. It’s very much appreciated.

The thing with DD is that her behaviour is always good, apart from the meltdowns. She is such a sweet girl. She would never intentionally be disobedient, it’s really not her style. She has very fixed views so when there is something she thinks is happening and it doesn’t happen or if there’s something she’s decided she wants to do but for some reason we can’t, this will completely set her off. For that reason, I really don’t agree with the people saying she’ll become a spoiled brat etc. Her behaviour is so far from that. She just genuinely can’t handle these big emotions and feelings. Her mind also goes at 100mph and sometimes she can get upset when you don’t understand her, but it’s because she hasn’t explained half of what’s going through her mind.

Other than these explosive emotions, she is a dream child and everyone loves her uniqueness!

She is not bad. It’s not in her nature to be. And I can definitely echo what others have said that the usual parenting styles don’t necessarily work for every child.

I'm autistic and what you've described is pretty classic. Having fixed ideas and not being able to cope with change is a big strand of autistic behaviour.

It's worth exploring it further even if it turns out that that's not the case. Many autistic girls go through life without being picked up. I was 40 before I got my diagnosis. An early diagnosis would have helped me so much.

By the way, your comment had a huge element of truth in it. It wasn't bad at all.

I've been blaming my parenting in my head but the outbursts don't happen with my other two. It's always been there she's always been just that bit...more. I don't know
I got spat at earlier. It makes me sad to feel I'm letting her down somewhere
This isn't OP, I'm replying to myself almost from commenting earlier.

Hi there,

I wanted to add my thoughts. My son - who like your daughter is a gem - has (mild) sensory issues. We learnt from the Educational Psychologist that (weirdly) kids who have sensory issues associated with sound sometimes become attracted to making lots of noises (sounds) when overwhelmed. Our son didn’t scream but as previous people have said would really hold it together at school but then it would all come out at home. When really little after a day of nursery he would kick me and I would have to put him in a warm Bath with the lights down low to ‘reset’ him. This method was found after much trial and error. Even now when he’s tired or stressed I notice that the sounds come out. It can drive me to distraction! But we try and acknowledge it by verbalising it like “I can tell you’re tired and you’re holding it all in. We’ll be home soon.” We also use weighted blankets on a lap in front of TV or a night. No one would ever know this about my son as he completely presents as a middle of the road well adjusted child but as his mum I know he’s always going to have this sensitivity. He’s much better now at dealing with it. I wouldn’t stress (at all!) about your comment by the way. I’ve had to remind my kids that people will think they’re in danger so they need to tone it down. I would do a little more investigating as previous posters have said.

P.S : I agree with previous posters. Being more strict won’t solve anything ! It’s not about that

@Rathmobhaile

I'd suggest looking up the panda behavioural management stratagies for pathological demand avoudance. Not because I'm sugfesting a diagnosis but because they are very useful for children who do struggle with demands of them.

The fact that the stricter you got the less difference it made on her is fitting in with these stratagies. So instead of saying "you need to do your homework" - you could say "your homework iis in your bag. Do you want to do it at the table in the kitchen or in the living room?". You want to go to the park later but know she's likely to protest then earlier in the day you say"its a lovely day outside for a trip to the park" and later it may be less challenging for her as the idea has already been raised.

I love these ideas. It's the kind of thing that works with my son, who's not ND, as far as I know, but he is quite sensitive. Negotiating with him works much better than telling him. He would never observe time out. I followed the guidance to the letter about returning him to his bed, at bedtime, but I once did it over 200 times (after doing the bath, calm, reading routine first. I honestly don't think it's pushing boundaries, it's more about getting stressed.

Exercise also helped with my son. Does she do much physical activity?

One of my sisters was a (completely neurotypical) screamer. My parents just used to completely ignore her until she spoke normally. Would this work for you?

Trickier out and about, but I’m a decade older than her and remember my dad silently carrying her out of restaurants/shops/parks etc and just placing her in her car seat and shutting the door until she calmed down.

No idea how long it took her to get over this, but she’s a very successful, even tempered 25 year old now!

@RedRobin100

My sister was a screamer.

My mum started putting mustard on her tongue every time she screamed. It soon stopped it!

Oh my god brilliant. I have a screamer (though he’s getting better - if he weren’t I might try it)

Oh man, we’ve all been there so please stop worrying about this. My DD was like this until at least 8 and I found her really hard to deal with. I didn’t always respond very well because she was just so exhausting and relentless, I just found it hard to cope. She’s almost 11 now and much better, still has her moments but nothing like that. She seems unscathed , your DD will be ok.

I used to be a nail biter. My mum used to tell me if I didn’t stop the cannibals would come for me
In their van with a big dog.

I was pretty terrified one day there was a van parked on our street.
It didn’t make me stop biting my nails.

I don’t think you need to worry about traumatising your DD, OP.