I’ve said something terrible to my daughter and I feel absolutely awful for it!

[Bestofthebestt]

My daughter is 5 years old and although she’s an amazing, funny and kind little girl, I really, really struggle with her screaming tantrums.

They have been an issue since she was really small. If something doesn’t go her way, her instant response to that is to scream! And I mean scream!

We never give into the screaming and have had meetings with school etc who have given us strategies to help and we have had some successes with those but some days it can be absolutely relentless.

The other day, she was screaming again over something so trivial. I’m not a shouter and I’ve never smacked my kids either but I did hit breaking point and said something I really regret. I had tried all of the strategies but the screaming was getting louder and louder. I said to her that screaming like that is not okay. I explained that the neighbours would worry what was going on. I said “what if they call the police?” “What if the police think you’re not safe because of all of this screaming and think they need to take you away.” I’ve tried so many things to get to grips with this and just at this point, wanted the screaming to stop. My older daughter actually had to put ear defenders on because the noise was so loud. What I said had no impact on the screaming and DD didn’t appear to even care but I feel like the worst mum and parent for the fact that I’ve said this to her.

I had a chat with DD later and explained this wouldn’t happen and to be honest, she doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

I mean, what sort of mum says that to their child? I just feel wracked with guilt. I’m not even sure why I’m posting. I just hate myself for how I’ve handled this.

Sorry X post. Sounds like you have tried being strict. Really difficult situation, as nobody should have to tread carefully around a little one.

I re read the post thinking you'd forgotten to put the comment in, but you mean the police thing? That's really not that bad! I thought it was going to be something like I don't want you to live here anymore, I don't love you, you were an accident or something like that..!

Have the school mentioned the possibility of SEN? Have you considered it?

Mainly because , if it's the type of screaming I imagine it will make her throat quite sore, and no kid would make themselves sore and uncomfortable if they could help it.

Your threats weren't that bad,and possibly a small grain of truth there, but they are utterly pointless. Do you honestly believe she could really hear what you said,take it in ,rationalise it and then act accordingly? It was probably an expression of your own worries and fears rather than anything else.

What have you tried so far? What have you found works?

A calm area with soft cushion?!

Unless there is something developmentally wrong with her, this is indulging her and setting both her and yourself up for an endless cycle of her screaming her head off and you mollycoddling her.

The way you are parenting these tantrums would be suitable for a much younger child such as a toddler but outbursts of that magnitude at her age is not acceptable and she knows it.

But you are right in what you saying and at 5 years old she knows right from wrong. I would be saying exactly the same thing.

Don't feel bad. It's true and I've said it my son who is a similar age! I've told him that if he screams, people could think he was in trouble and call the police. I've told him screaming should only be for emergencies. It sounds like your comment went over her head anyway so don't stress about it.

@IDontWanna the school don’t think this is a possibility. Her behaviour in school is excellent.

My sister was a screamer.

My mum started putting mustard on her tongue every time she screamed. It soon stopped it!

Haven’t most parents called the ‘ home for naughty children’ at some point?! Or father Xmas ? Or nanny? Or their favourite teacher ?
Also maybe a story of the boy who cried wolf might be in order regarding the neighbours . “ how would anyone know you needed help if you scream all the time? “ type thing. It’s not the worst thing in the world, it can’t be if your still fretting about it and she doesn’t give any shits!

@Bestofthebestt my daughter is exactly the same and I've had the same advice from school.
It was working but has suddenly stopped, I'm genuinely anxious about what the neighbours must think I'm doing to her.
I sympathise

RedRobin100
I don't know if that's genius (it worked) or would be seen as abusive these days.

I have a child with ASD and who still at the age of 12 has autistic meltdowns. I have said the exact same thing to him because I am fucking scared stiff that someone will think there is terrible abuse in the home. An autistic meltdown is something to behold. I don't feel guilty about saying this to him, ecause he is old enough to understand his behaviour might have unintended consequences.

Children with ASD tend to cope at school then fall apart at home. Girls are routinely not diagnosed. It is something to consider. I am not one for jumping to 'must be autism' but it may not hurt to rule it out in this case.

She is old enough to know right from wrong and a big comfortable cushion and sensory toys as a reward for very poor behaviour is I am afraid only going to cause problems further down the line for you. She clearly knows how to conduct herself out of the home I.e. at school so why is she being a nightmare at home. Short answer-because she can.
I am sorry to be brutal but if she can be allowed to continue in like this, heaven help you when she gets to the teenage years and raging hormones. You will be asking social services to take you away!

I totally understand the viewpoint that we’re rewarding bad behaviour. I tried to deal with it in a strict way for almost 4 years and it actually got worse. Continuing with something that is proving completely ineffective is just pointless surely?

I think the worry was that once the meltdown started, she might not have been able to see a route out of it, if that makes sense! Hence them actually escalating the more we upped the consequences.

I honestly thought you’d have said something FAR worse

Of course the stricter you get the worse she gets. She's finding your boundaries. And so far she's prepared to go much further than you are.

Everytime you give up you are just training her to shout louder and longer next time.

In general you need to hold your ground one second more than she does - however long that may be.

And don't talk to her when she's screaming - you're just bargaining with her and showing you are not firm and there's tons of wriggle room in whatever you said.

I've said this at times.

Now my DC are much older, on the rare occasion they give out and have a spectacular tantrum, I tell them to call the police and see if they would like to take any action as they aren't doing as they're told.

Soon sorts them out !

Do you have any other reason to suspect SEN being good at school and having meltdowns at home is quite common with some SEN.

WHY would you feel bad about this?

@StrawberryLollipops I totally get what you’re saying. But we always did hold our ground. And the meltdown would eventually stop, but it would happen again the next day and the next day and despite us holding our ground, things didn’t ever improve. This is why we approached school for advice.

[quote Bestofthebestt]@IDontWanna the school don’t think this is a possibility. Her behaviour in school is excellent.[/quote]
Masking ,especially in girls , is a thing. However that's for you to explore as a possibility, as you know her better and I'll I'm getting is a very brief snapshot.

Things to try (that don't involve putting mustard on her tongue):

Ensure her basic needs are met when she comes in from school.. water,food, rest even if it's just a chill activity or watching a video or reading.
Frame demands if possible as a choice. So she is doing her homework for example,but does she want to do it in her room or in the livingroom? She is getting washed tonight, but does she want a shower or a bath. That kind of stuff.

Really weird trick that works sometimes is ending a demand with a thank you instead of please. Tricks the brain into thinking they already agreed to do it since you're already thanking them.

When you see her getting worked up , ask her to go to her calm down corner BEFORE it's full blown tantrum. Then it's less of a punishment and more of a help thing. Plus in time hopefully she'll start realising when she needs that time herself.

Do some work with her around regulating her emotions. Identifying first... fear,anxiety,anger,tiredness,over the top excitement etc can all look the same. It's very important for children to realise them and know (even if they can't apply them themselves) some techniques that help like colouring, different breathing techniques,listening to music etc.

When she's gone past it, don't feed it, don't try to make it stop. Let it run it's course, minimum interaction, just a reminder you're there when she's done , you want to help but can't while she's screaming at you. When she finally stops then calmly talk to her about what happened, what she could've done better /what she should've done instead. She gets the attention she needs when she's calm. Her screaming is not the end of the world,won't get her anywhere and it doesn't upset/scare you.

Pick your battles. This one is very important, especially when you know she's tired/grumpy/a bit off to begin with. Pick your non negotiables, have clear rules with clear ,consistent,reasonable consequences in place.

Praise the behaviours you want to see. Be specific , not just well done or good girl. "Well done for putting your shoes on when I asked". "Thank you for listening to me". "Thank you for telling me you were sad/not feeling well/are tired." Encourage her to name and express your feelings to you.

It's not going to be easy or instant and ofc she'll still kick off , but hopefully in time you'll see an improvement.

Name change fail 🤦🏻‍♀️

The holding it all together at school and exploding /collapsing once home experience is a very familiar to those of us with autistic children and other neurodivergent conditions. Look up the "coke bottle effect".

Before the posters (presumably with neurotypical children who respond to typical/traditional parenting techniques) jump on me for armchair diagnosis - this is NOT what I am doing, but just wanted to share my own, and many, many others' lived experiences.

Providing a safe, sensory space is NOT rewarding "bad" behaviour.

The current strategy is not working; OP says it makes things worse. I doubt it is a case of the OP being too soft. If you do something several times and it has no or a detrimental effect, then it makes absolutely no sense to continue using the same strategy.

Check out Ross Greene "Lives in the Balance" OP for different strategies that you might be able to explore.

What you said is true don't beat yourself up

No point beating yourself up about it - i occasionally did and said some things I felt awful about when pushed to my limits when mine where tiny. Have great relationships with both because I was otherwise a responsive and loving parent - I mentioned to DD a few years back something I really regretted and made me feel awful.... she has no recollection of it whatsoever, neither will your DD of this.