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Original poster

I’ve said something terrible to my daughter and I feel absolutely awful for it!

197 replies

Bestofthebestt · 19/03/2022 13:06

My daughter is 5 years old and although she’s an amazing, funny and kind little girl, I really, really struggle with her screaming tantrums.

They have been an issue since she was really small. If something doesn’t go her way, her instant response to that is to scream! And I mean scream!

We never give into the screaming and have had meetings with school etc who have given us strategies to help and we have had some successes with those but some days it can be absolutely relentless.

The other day, she was screaming again over something so trivial. I’m not a shouter and I’ve never smacked my kids either but I did hit breaking point and said something I really regret. I had tried all of the strategies but the screaming was getting louder and louder. I said to her that screaming like that is not okay. I explained that the neighbours would worry what was going on. I said “what if they call the police?” “What if the police think you’re not safe because of all of this screaming and think they need to take you away.” I’ve tried so many things to get to grips with this and just at this point, wanted the screaming to stop. My older daughter actually had to put ear defenders on because the noise was so loud. What I said had no impact on the screaming and DD didn’t appear to even care but I feel like the worst mum and parent for the fact that I’ve said this to her.

I had a chat with DD later and explained this wouldn’t happen and to be honest, she doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

I mean, what sort of mum says that to their child? I just feel wracked with guilt. I’m not even sure why I’m posting. I just hate myself for how I’ve handled this.

OP posts:
SkepticalCat · 19/03/2022 14:42

The other thing that frustrates me on these threads is when posters say variations of "if there is no SEN..."

This child is only 5 years old.

Children aren't born with "I have SEN" tattooed on their foreheads to separate them from their non-SEN peers.

It takes literally years to get a diagnosis.

So it really isn't very helpful for posters to use the "unless they have SEN, then there is no excuse" argument, as quite often it takes many many years for any SEN to be formally recognised and diagnosed.

This is why support at school and disability living allowance is based on need, not diagnosis. (Or it should be, at least.)

Gonnagetgoing · 19/03/2022 14:42

That’s not the most terrible thing to say! It’s honest. I was rarely allowed to scream as a child but unsure what else to suggest.

Nosetickle · 19/03/2022 14:42

I really don’t get this obsession with ND and NT. It always happens on threads where people are worried about their child’s behaviours and strong emotions. People by their very nature are diverse and not typical. What works for one person won’t work for another. Why do children need to be labelled. Work with the child you’ve got. Spend as much time as possible with your child and really get to know them and what makes them tick and what works for them and what doesn’t.

Gonnagetgoing · 19/03/2022 14:43

I mean I did scream sometimes but was told off for it!

Lookingforanswers202 · 19/03/2022 14:45

@Nosetickle

I really don’t get this obsession with ND and NT. It always happens on threads where people are worried about their child’s behaviours and strong emotions. People by their very nature are diverse and not typical. What works for one person won’t work for another. Why do children need to be labelled. Work with the child you’ve got. Spend as much time as possible with your child and really get to know them and what makes them tick and what works for them and what doesn’t.
It’s not about being labelled - it’s about understanding the behaviour.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2022 14:45

And, just in case you fear that getting a diagnosis would mean it stigmatises your DD - this attitude is definitely on the way out in most places, and what a diagnosis would mean is that you would (or at least should) get more appropriate help and understanding on what your DD needs.

RantyAunty · 19/03/2022 14:47

Is she distractible at all during the tantrums?

If you got up and went to another room and started doing something, what would she do?

Is there a certain time of day it happens?

inheritancetrack · 19/03/2022 14:49

How about a little dark pop up tent with her big cushion and maybe some lights. she could go there to calm down and shut everything out. I'd also say walk out of the room, all of you for the sake of your ears.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 19/03/2022 14:50

@Nosetickle this behavior has been going on a long time and numerous behavior modification strategies have been used for YEARS with no affect. Your own post could also er on the assumption to just "wait and see" and in the meantime a child and family is really struggling when it could be something that is recognized and can be treated with the result of a much happier child. I have a couple of friends with autistic kids and their behavior was markedly different from all other children at home and was resistant to all behavior modifications because it was about them experiencing the world in a very different way. When this was finally understood and therapy was put in place the children's behavior and happiness vastly improved.

InvisibleDragon · 19/03/2022 14:50

Agree with other posters that what you said is not that bad. And you've already spoken to her and apologised, which is modeling good conflict resolution and emotional maturity for her.

Regarding the screaming, could you do some work with her (maybe with the school's support) on recognising and regulating emotions. It sounds like your DD is getting increasingly stressed and dysregulated as the day goes on, to the point where you are all tiptoeing around her because one more tiny thing will be too much for her to manage. Is she aware of her increasing stress prior to the meltdown? And are you able to tell how stressed she is feeling? If her perception is "fine-fine-fine-fine-aaargh, cannot cope!" she won't be trying to re-regulate herself until she is at the screaming/can't cope stage - at which point she's too overwhelmed to do this effectively. If she can learn to recognize more of a continuum of emotions (maybe "fine - a bit irritated - that's annoying - very frustrated - BOOM") she can think at an earlier stage about what she needs to do to feel better - and to express her needs more effectively (and without screaming).

If you can see subtle signs in her demeanor/behaviour that suggest she is not totally happy, can you suggest calming activities like her sensory space then (or build that into her daily routine), to help her develop better emotional awareness and more independent coping strategies?

mumjustmum · 19/03/2022 14:51

I was waiting for the bit to find out what you said that was so awful!
I think you're teaching her actually that her actions are pretty serious and could have serious consequences

Redorblues · 19/03/2022 14:53

Eh? My mother would regularly threaten me with social services and the police and having me put into care when I was naughty or fighting with siblings or whatever. As I got older I would threaten her back with ringing childline. I'm sure we both had a cordless phone in hand with fingers hovering over the dialpad more than once GrinConfused

Nosetickle · 19/03/2022 14:53

It’s pretty easy to understand someone’s behaviour if you know them really well, have some empathy and don’t have unrealistic expectations. To me saying a child is either neural diverse or typical just really jars because all children are diverse and there is so such thing as a typical child. It’s not helpful. That’s just my opinion though.

IncompleteSenten · 19/03/2022 14:55

Read about masking.

I am not saying she has SN but don't dismiss the possibility because school say she's fine there.

ldontWanna · 19/03/2022 14:55

@Nosetickle

I really don’t get this obsession with ND and NT. It always happens on threads where people are worried about their child’s behaviours and strong emotions. People by their very nature are diverse and not typical. What works for one person won’t work for another. Why do children need to be labelled. Work with the child you’ve got. Spend as much time as possible with your child and really get to know them and what makes them tick and what works for them and what doesn’t.
Because children don't just interact with their parents,and eventually they become adults. Their (diagnosed)needs might mean a reader or extra time in an exam, information/demand/expectations being presented to them differently , other reasonable adjustments,specific tools to help them cope with and navigate the world, (hopefully) understanding instead of judgement.
SnowWhiteLobelia · 19/03/2022 14:59

@Nosetickle

It’s pretty easy to understand someone’s behaviour if you know them really well, have some empathy and don’t have unrealistic expectations. To me saying a child is either neural diverse or typical just really jars because all children are diverse and there is so such thing as a typical child. It’s not helpful. That’s just my opinion though.
True. But there are a set of behaviours that if present are useful as a diagnostic tool. No child with ASD is the same, like no child that does not have ASD is the same. But some behaviours are commonly present in children with ASD. I think it is quite telling that on this trhead there is a sharp difference in responses from parents who have children with SEN or ASD and those who do not. I am not saying that the OP's child has ASD, I am saying that some of what she says is screamingly familiar and she might wish to explore this further.
Nonnymum · 19/03/2022 15:00

You sound like lovely parents trying to do the best for your child. You sound extremely patient. What you said wasn't terrible and won't hurt her.
I hope she grows out of it and manages to control her emotions soon.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 19/03/2022 15:01

Yes I have raised 3 children myself two of whom have had cancer so I am aware that all children are different. Just suggesting that a child' whose behavior is extreme and resistant to a loving parent's understanding response over a long period may have something else going on. I have known loving parents who emphasize and understand their children, who struggle for years because there was an important component that was the key to understanding that child's behavior.
Children also live in families and communities, the parents and other children also should be thought about. This behavior is clearly straining the family, all an assessment does is see if there is some neurological reason for the behavior. If not it will easily be ruled out.

Threeboysandadog · 19/03/2022 15:01

Ds3 (15) had huge tantrums/meltdowns until he was about 10. Ds1 has ADHD/ASD so I pushed the primary school for assessment but they were adamant there could be nothing “wrong” with him. Top of the class in every subject, playing musical instruments and singing in public, leader of the eco club, house captain, it was definitely suggested that I was either exaggerating or something was going on at home.

…….and then he started secondary school. He seemed excited to go, did three trial days with his primary class teachers there and I thought it would be the making of him. On day 1 he set of happy but phoned me to pick him up before he was half way there. He said he felt sick and couldn’t go. This started an 18 month nightmare of school refusing, feeling unwell, phoning me in tears, me having to take him and collect him every day, being unable to go in the door until everyone else was in, yet, at 1st year prize giving he got awards in 6 subjects. This only stopped with lockdown at which point I was considering home Ed.

I pushed further for assessment and, with Covid we are just getting there now but he has already been diagnosed with Developmental Co-ordination Disorder and we are most likely looking at a diagnosis of ADHD/ASD soon. He is now happy at school with things put in place to help him and the feeling he is being heard and he is no bother at all at home.

Please don’t punish her without looking for some more answers first. If she needs support, the earlier she gets it the better.

Ijsbear · 19/03/2022 15:02

This may absolutely not be appropriate for you but just in case ... might humour help?

Your daughter may be very different but my oldest had frightening tantrums and the younger is going the same way at the moment. When they started screaming, I said "that's not bad, can you do it louder?" and as they kept going, I'd make turn-it-up gestures with a careful assessing expression pasted on my face.

It tended to get through to their humour bump and helped them come down from extreme (and violent) explosions. Mind you, the oldest is autistic and the younger has extra needs too. But finding the humour-bump helped so much.

Whybot · 19/03/2022 15:02

You sound like a saint . We all say things we shouldn’t .
We show them how to say sorry .
Hugs

Sweepingeyelashes · 19/03/2022 15:02

I have no idea whether your daughter is ASD or not. Some ASD children can hold it in for school and just come home like an unexploded bomb because they struggle with transitions. In terms of discipline, for an ASD child it it is better to say if you do X and Y you will get the ice cream rather than saying because you didn't do X and Y there's no ice cream. We just walked away when they had a temper tantrum and left them to it. My husband's attempts to cajole and reason with them was an abject failure and just led to an increase in tantrums. Once we walked away and just left them to it the frequency decreased a lot. I mean screaming at the top of your lungs and writhing on the ground is quite tiring and if nobody is paying it the slightest attention, the child gets the idea that they are putting in a lot of effort with not much reward.

The psychologist suggested we find something to praise on a daily basis. At the time it was a struggle to find something positive to say. I was reduced to saying they were really good at finding the shortest supermarket queue. It did seem to help if we said positive things. Even if your child is totally neurotypical I think these approaches might help.

Donut22 · 19/03/2022 15:03

@Bestofthebestt

She’s honestly the best kid when she’s her happy self. She is so so funny and entertains us all with her unique, quirky personality. I’ve just never known a child to explode the way she does. She holds it together at school and always gets a glowing report from there but at home, especially when she’s tired, she’s like a ticking time bomb and it can feel like we’re all treading so carefully to avoid an eruption. It usually does involve her being tired but she is a child who would still nap daily given half a chance. Unfortunately, being nearly 6 now, life doesn’t give her much opportunity to sleep as much as she would like.

I know she’ll grow out of it eventually but it’s just so draining to deal with. I wish I could find the answer but I’ve tried absolutely everything. It’s soul destroying!

Honestly this is my 6yr old girl to a tee! She's my youngest and the most thoughtful loving girl but she goes from 1-100 in secs. There's no calming her down once she starts. She's perfect at school too. I have no useful advice but I feel you!
DrDinosaur · 19/03/2022 15:03

I would totally ignore the tantrums. Everyone should just carry on doing whatever they're doing and act as if she's not there. No attention whatsoever until the screaming stops.

itsgettingweird · 19/03/2022 15:08

Agree - it's true.

And if the screaming is controlled and being used as a way to try and get her own way she needs to hear this even more.

As an aside when she does this have you all just tried as a family group walking away into a different room and ignoring it?

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