I’ve said something terrible to my daughter and I feel absolutely awful for it!

[Bestofthebestt]

My daughter is 5 years old and although she’s an amazing, funny and kind little girl, I really, really struggle with her screaming tantrums.

They have been an issue since she was really small. If something doesn’t go her way, her instant response to that is to scream! And I mean scream!

We never give into the screaming and have had meetings with school etc who have given us strategies to help and we have had some successes with those but some days it can be absolutely relentless.

The other day, she was screaming again over something so trivial. I’m not a shouter and I’ve never smacked my kids either but I did hit breaking point and said something I really regret. I had tried all of the strategies but the screaming was getting louder and louder. I said to her that screaming like that is not okay. I explained that the neighbours would worry what was going on. I said “what if they call the police?” “What if the police think you’re not safe because of all of this screaming and think they need to take you away.” I’ve tried so many things to get to grips with this and just at this point, wanted the screaming to stop. My older daughter actually had to put ear defenders on because the noise was so loud. What I said had no impact on the screaming and DD didn’t appear to even care but I feel like the worst mum and parent for the fact that I’ve said this to her.

I had a chat with DD later and explained this wouldn’t happen and to be honest, she doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

I mean, what sort of mum says that to their child? I just feel wracked with guilt. I’m not even sure why I’m posting. I just hate myself for how I’ve handled this.

Op you have got yourself in a tizz about saying something completely reasonable and true.

Makes me question how you are really dealing with your daughter

Because someone who regards what you said is something horrific and terrible and the worst thing ever… is not someone who is going to be strong in the face of your child’s behaviour

You're not terrible. You sound like a lovely mum at her wits' end in a genuinely stressful situation. Please don't beat yourself up. It's not wrong to try to help her understand that actions and behaviours can have consequences.

Best wishes to you. xx

we have made her a calm down area at home. A huge floor cushion with some sensory toys there and a sand timer. She goes to there and if she calms down in the 2 minutes, I write in her reading record and she gets a sticker and well done from her class teacher.

There's a huge amount of attention being put on this behaviour isn't there? OP, have you tried completely ignoring your DD when she does this, while removing yourself from the room and getting on with your own stuff? I used to adopt a 'blank' expression, go and make a cup of tea and ignore my DD until she stopped. We then carried on with our day (no special attention for stopping). Worked a treat. She's now 21 and says she doesn't remember any of it.

My DD is awaiting assessment for autism. The school don’t think that it’s a possibility but her paediatrician put her forward. I find that a lot of common parenting techniques either don’t work or exacerbate the situation. Treating her as if she is ND has worked. If she has a tantrum, the priority is to diffuse the situation - it’s important to her that she feels heard so I listen, talk to her about whatever she’s asking for, go along with it for a bit, and only when she is completely calm try to reason with her. I think you should look at whether there is something else going on with your DD. As pp have said, masking is common in girls.

@Wafflesnsniffles as I’ve said upthread. We didn’t give in. We carried on until the melt down stopped. The meltdowns still continued on a daily basis though and the intensity was at its absolute worst. How many years do you advise sticking with this strategy before accepting that it isn’t helping your child or their behaviour?

I had one of those, also DD2. She grew out of it, but it took a lot of patience. What you said to her was true, so don't give it another thought.

It sounds like you're doing a grand job.

@Bestofthebestt

Thank you so much to those people who are being supportive and helpful. It’s very much appreciated.

The thing with DD is that her behaviour is always good, apart from the meltdowns. She is such a sweet girl. She would never intentionally be disobedient, it’s really not her style. She has very fixed views so when there is something she thinks is happening and it doesn’t happen or if there’s something she’s decided she wants to do but for some reason we can’t, this will completely set her off. For that reason, I really don’t agree with the people saying she’ll become a spoiled brat etc. Her behaviour is so far from that. She just genuinely can’t handle these big emotions and feelings. Her mind also goes at 100mph and sometimes she can get upset when you don’t understand her, but it’s because she hasn’t explained half of what’s going through her mind.

Other than these explosive emotions, she is a dream child and everyone loves her uniqueness!

She is not bad. It’s not in her nature to be. And I can definitely echo what others have said that the usual parenting styles don’t necessarily work for every child.

I would definitely see the GP to pursue an assessment.

* Other than these explosive emotions, she is a dream child and everyone loves her uniqueness! *

Op - this in conjunction with the content of your OP…. Seems very odd

Meh l told my dd if she didn't stop having hissy fits l was going to send her to the school psychatrist. Soon stopped.
I wouldn't worry op.

As others have said you have got yourself in a state over nothing. My mum used to point out an actual policeman and tell me she would get me put in jail. I doubt very much your child is going to have psychological problems because of it. Forget it!

I have a 4 year old who is like this. it's very hard. I do believe though that my 4 year old can control her behaviour in the most part because if I suggested she eat cake whilst having a screaming fit she would turn off the screaming very quickly and be focussed on that cake. If she keeps screaming then I know that this is not acting out but instead there is a deeper issue that she needs some support with. Have you tried doing something similar and if so, did that make an impact at all?

@Blueroses99 thank you. We have tried ignoring. I do think ignoring worked better than responding but I also think that ultimately, this made it more traumatic for her. We stuck with this technique for a good few months but the meltdowns never lessened. 😩

OP, have you tried completely ignoring your DD when she does this, while removing yourself from the room and getting on with your own stuff? I used to adopt a 'blank' expression, go and make a cup of tea and ignore my DD until she stopped. We then carried on with our day (no special attention for stopping). Worked a treat. She's now 21 and says she doesn't remember any of it.

As an example, this wouldn’t work at all for my DD, it would exacerbate the situation, she would get worked up more and more.

🔔 fixed views - another ND trait.

I've said the same thing to my daughter, who was also 5 at the time, and was having a screaming tantrum after waking up gone midnight. The fact is that what you said (and I said) is true, and at the time was a genuine concern for me. Also ndn, who had only recently moved in at the time, is a children's social worker!

Jesus I've said a LOTTTTTT worse! Apologised wholeheartedly afterwards of course and meant it. But yep, much much worse!

Honestly OP, I'd say that's pretty standard parenting

She screams and screams when anything doesn’t go her way
At 5… a lot won’t go her way
So that’s a lot of screaming

And then you say that “other than this…. She’s a dream”

No Op. This is not a “dream” child. This is a child that is displaying behaviour that by 5 should be very steadily and sharply on its way out

I was really surprised when I realised I had just read the awful thing you said. I was still thinking we were building up to the awful thing you said.

Have you thought of seeing what parenting services your local council has? Schools will take a certain approach based on ensuring compliance in a class room but you may find another approach from a specialised parenting service.

Finally, I was really worried about my child's behaviour but they seem to be growing out of it as they age (nine now) so it may resolve naturally as they develop more self regulation and self awareness.

I appreciate that teachers of course see hundreds of children and can make good judgement calls on behavior. However to me this is extremely unusual and I don't think if she is possibly autistic that the school would be in any kind of position to make that call. I would definitely be getting her assessed by an expert in autism in girls, as girls often do not get diagnosed until adulthood and struggle tremendously to mask their struggles throughout their childhood and teen years.
Of course this not our call, but neither is it a teacher's. She needs to be assessed by experts in this field.
I would do it sooner rather than later.

[quote Bestofthebestt]@IDontWanna the school don’t think this is a possibility. Her behaviour in school is excellent.[/quote]
This means nothing! My DD is diagnosed Autistic but shows zero traces of it at school! Here, her behaviour has me in tears, thinking I can't do this any longer etc etc. Yet at school she's absolutely perfect. Apparently it's masking (in girls particularly). They spend all day masking their behaviour at school and then let loose when at home.
I'm not saying she is Autistic, obviously not as I've never met her! I just mean don't disregard the possibility due to her behaviour at school being great

Do you ever talk to her about this screaming when she is not screaming? Tell her how upsetting it is for you and her and can she suggest anything that would help. you might be surprised.

"The thing with DD is that her behaviour is always good, apart from the meltdowns. She is such a sweet girl. She would never intentionally be disobedient, it’s really not her style. She has very fixed views so when there is something she thinks is happening and it doesn’t happen or if there’s something she’s decided she wants to do but for some reason we can’t, this will completely set her off. For that reason, I really don’t agree with the people saying she’ll become a spoiled brat etc. Her behaviour is so far from that. She just genuinely can’t handle these big emotions and feelings. Her mind also goes at 100mph and sometimes she can get upset when you don’t understand her, but it’s because she hasn’t explained half of what’s going through her mind."

This paragraph details some of the things that would indicate she may be on the autistic spectrum.
Can't handle big emotions, has fixed ideas, likes things to go to plan and gets upset when they don't - and then has screaming meltdowns because she can't deal with it.
Plus the masking at school is a definite thing, especially for girls.

I have many friends and some family members with children on the autistic spectrum, actually more girls than boys! And, while there is no one way to say "this must mean ASD", there are common features - and one of them is the "school angel, home demon" feature.

I have one friend whose DD should be diagnosed with PDA (Pathological demand avoidance) but they don't do that in Australia, and she doesn't hit enough criteria to get an ASD diagnosis (PDA shouldn't really be lumped in with ASD, I believe) - her behaviour at school at a young age was impeccable, but she'd lose it completely when she came out, sometimes before she'd even got to the car.
Another friend put her DD into gymnastics 5 days a week, straight after school, so that she could work off all her built up tensions that way.

Which is actually a good thought - the physical exertion straight after school really helped that little girl, maybe it's something you could consider? Do you have space for a trampoline?

I would also push for an assessment.

I see you’ve tried ignoring. But that would be my strategy. The minute she started I would go into a different room, put some music on and not engage with her until she stopped.

What you said is fine and not that bad. I’m not sure tip toeing around the behaviour is working either? As she is still screaming and that’s not acceptable at that age.

@Blueroses99

My DD is awaiting assessment for autism. The school don’t think that it’s a possibility but her paediatrician put her forward. I find that a lot of common parenting techniques either don’t work or exacerbate the situation. Treating her as if she is ND has worked. If she has a tantrum, the priority is to diffuse the situation - it’s important to her that she feels heard so I listen, talk to her about whatever she’s asking for, go along with it for a bit, and only when she is completely calm try to reason with her. I think you should look at whether there is something else going on with your DD. As pp have said, masking is common in girls.

Tbh what you describe there is an approach that I think works for NT children too! And indeed for distressed adults. Don't we all want to be heard and understood? Isn't that one of the greatest gifts that you can give to any human?

[quote Bestofthebestt]@Blueroses99 thank you. We have tried ignoring. I do think ignoring worked better than responding but I also think that ultimately, this made it more traumatic for her. We stuck with this technique for a good few months but the meltdowns never lessened. 😩[/quote]
There's ignoring and there's ignoring.

As I said before , one way of ignoring is not rising up to it, getting worked up yourself, trying to desperately stop it , talking at her with either threats or promises and what if's (none of that will go in). Let her know you're there,you're ready to listen when she's ready to talk and let it run it's course. "I can see you're upset but I don't know why". "I'm here to help when you are ready". Be there,but without the fuss. Be calm,accept that it's happening, and bide your time until it passes and you can start working on fixing whatever went wrong.