Help, house decision. DH and I can't agree

[Moveorstay2022]

Me, DH both late 30s, and 2 DC under 6.

Current situation:
4 bed detached from the 70s, big garden, desirable area close to kids' school. 3 living spaces. Kitchen needs doing. Extension potential on side and back. c£150k mortgage left (paying £1k p/m), estimated value of house £500k.

So we've had a tricky few years in our marriage -lots better now but I've fallen out of love with the house as it's a constant reminder of a very difficult time.

I have seen a house. Semi detached, new build. Less living space and small garden (but next to big fields). Ample space upstairs for bedrooms/office/playrooms as they have built into the loft. 5 mins from where we currently are, not as desirable of an area but definitely not bad. Out of school catchment but school has a sibling policy and they have advised that youngest DC should be fine to get in.

One of the biggest pull factors for me is that if we move to this house, we can be mortgage free and save an extra £1k a month. We are not financially uncomfortable now but not having a mortgage would strengthen that.

DH likes the new house but isn't motivated by not having a mortgage as it's "normal" to have one at our age. Instead he thinks that we will regret selling our current property because of where it is and the size of the plot, that it will appreciate more in value than the other property that will offset the no-mortgage saving.
He doesn't think that 1 living space is enough - I prefer that as at the moment, it's too easy for us to watch our own TV in different rooms. I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room. I think that in the future if kids need a TV for their playstation or what not, we could convert one of the bedrooms upstairs.
If we stay here we will need to do the kitchen which will use up some of our savings, plus we continue with the mortgage.

We can't agree on what to do. Any advice appreciated

I don't think the house is the problem here OP.

Dispassionately, your current house meets all your criteria and more, and it is the family issues that mean you are viewing it as less than ideal.

We have just exchanged contracts on a supposedly easy/straightforward sale/purchase and it has been one of the most stressful things we have ever done. You hear that said, and think, how bad can it be? I really do not know where to start to convey how bad it was at times.

We have a large house now, and we are empty nesters! Our new house is already bigger and we have extension/renovation plans. We bought for the type of location you are leaving, short walk to the local village High St, bars, restaurants and independent shops. An established, sought after, road in a good area with great schools. We know this property will always hold its price and be very saleable.

Before we settled on this house we viewed several new builds, and although we loved the finish (of the top price spec show home, not the usual bog standard one you get unless you upgrade throughout!)what struck us was the sense of 'sameness', and the way the houses were all clustered together without any privacy to the gardens. In one house that we initially loved we counted 9 windows from neighbouring properties overlooking the garden, and these were 600k plus houses.

We then thought back to one house which we had felt was too small, and not configured as we would want, and decided that despite that the location and style was just what we wanted. We have renovated before and we can do it again, so we went with that one.

You are like us, fortunate to have choices, don't do the knee jerk reaction and leave a property that with a little effort (and a change of mindset) can be made perfect for now and for the longer term.

Do you work?

Stay where you are and completely redecorate if the place currently has bad memories.

@RebeccaCloud9

The house may be a reminder of your problems but it isn't the cause of them. You'd probably argue more with the stress of the move and when you realise what a mistake you've made moving to a much worse house!

this. wherever you go you will always take yourselves (and the weather) with you. Moving won't help. Moving to a worse house WILL NOT help. If your "no mortgage" thing is based on financial anxiety then not having a mortgage won't help. If you want things to change, you need to address the things and not put sticking plasters on them.

@CheltenhamLady

I don't think the house is the problem here OP.

Dispassionately, your current house meets all your criteria and more, and it is the family issues that mean you are viewing it as less than ideal.

We have just exchanged contracts on a supposedly easy/straightforward sale/purchase and it has been one of the most stressful things we have ever done. You hear that said, and think, how bad can it be? I really do not know where to start to convey how bad it was at times.

We have a large house now, and we are empty nesters! Our new house is already bigger and we have extension/renovation plans. We bought for the type of location you are leaving, short walk to the local village High St, bars, restaurants and independent shops. An established, sought after, road in a good area with great schools. We know this property will always hold its price and be very saleable.

Before we settled on this house we viewed several new builds, and although we loved the finish (of the top price spec show home, not the usual bog standard one you get unless you upgrade throughout!)what struck us was the sense of 'sameness', and the way the houses were all clustered together without any privacy to the gardens. In one house that we initially loved we counted 9 windows from neighbouring properties overlooking the garden, and these were 600k plus houses.

We then thought back to one house which we had felt was too small, and not configured as we would want, and decided that despite that the location and style was just what we wanted. We have renovated before and we can do it again, so we went with that one.

You are like us, fortunate to have choices, don't do the knee jerk reaction and leave a property that with a little effort (and a change of mindset) can be made perfect for now and for the longer term.

yup. A friend and I who have similar houses in the same area want to downsize (not together) The problem that we are both finding is that the houses we have now are not overlooked, are quiet, have visitor parking plus plenty of parking at each house and so on....its really hard to find similar facilities in newer builds.

I'd use the money you would have used for the move to get some counselling and maybe do up your house. Just a change of wallcolour and some new curtains and rugs might make it a bit easier. You'll just take your problems with you to your new house if you move.

I think you’ll regret downsizing when your kids are teenagers. Also…what if you get dodgy neighbours, I remember hearing more than one neighbour having sex when I was growing up…now it is detached all the way for me

Find a detached house in a fully developed neighbourhood instead.

Those fields next to the new build semi will soon be covered with houses or a solar farm.

Is the idea of a shared living space so you and your DH have to be in close proximity? If so can you explore other options for intimacy/ closeness that doesn’t compromise future teens living space?

Is there anything you could dramatically do. To make your home feel ‘new’ to you?

Eg change your bedrooms around or switch the living room around?

Redecorate and go with a new colour.

If the house can be painted could you repaint with new colour? New summer bulbs with something to look forward to?

Getting that kitchen done will certainly help you fall back in love with your house.

What I’m saying is you need to take some time and a bit of work to accept the home wasn’t the cause of your issues. It’s just where you were when they all happened.

Financial side of it, it really wouldn’t hurt to sit and go through your finances and see if you’ve some wiggle room to overpay the mortgage or pump some extra into savings so you have a bigger emergency fund.

There’s clearly a LOT you would have to do before you moved house anyway inc making the house look good so rather than do that find the time to make the house look good for YOU instead.

Yes, I fall in and out of love with my house too. Usually in the winter I hate it and in the spring when I can get outside I do love it again and especially coming out of covid related lockdowns I think we all hate our own four walls a little more than we did because they became a cage.

Give yourself a bit of time before you make a hasty decision. Get your home looking great for you, get your head arranged to accept the issues that were there weren’t the houses doing and if there’s still some of them, you’ll only be taking them to the new home too.

I think staying is the right decision. There are SO many things you can do to make the current house nicer. Just hiring a skip and having a massive declutter before repainting throughout will feel like an amazing new start.

It would be madness to move into a semi....you could end up with awful noisy neighbours. Thinking that being 'forced' on top of each other is going to help us balmy. You can't force intimacy but you sure can set up a whole lot of resentment. It's also not nice to live in too small a space with grumpy smelly teens. I honestly can't see a single upside. I'd redecorate and see how you feel. Maybe you're just feeling really insecure and are gravitating toward what feels more secure? But ultimately if you uproot your kids then divorce you'll be moving them again....

I'd stay and redecorate throughout if you can and change furnishings too, move things around as though it was a new house, new start.

@MapleMay11

You’d be mortgage free because you’d have a less valuable asset.

They would have money to invest. If they're willing to take risks, they will see a much bigger return on that over time than they will on property.

House prices are still increasing fast, and with a recession/reduced economic growth looming, other investments might not grow so much. Plus, you get the growth (minus the interest) on the whole borrowed value right the way through the mortgage term, not just the £1000 you save per month.

Of course, no one knows the future, house prices go down as well as up, interest rates and investment returns go up and down... But there's a good chance you'll be better off long term if you stay in the bigger house with the mortgage.

So your current house sounds much better, and you're likely to be better off long term if you stay. I'm another one who thinks you'd be crazy to move!

Keep the larger house, bin all but one TV.

Absolutely not a chance I would move in your situation.

Redecorate and save yourself a fortune.

Children getting to school on their own is a priceless luxury.

As they grow into the teenage years, more space not less is great.

You love the area, your neighbours.
Priceless.

My husbands colleague moved out from his fab urban setting to a house surrounded by fields and for 5 years they had bliss.

Then a farmer sold several acres behind them and a house was built.

Turns out the owner breeds dogs and built a dog run.

The noise was endless.
Their peace ruined.

I am very wary of green fields, things change.

And as for new builds?

Standard is very poor out there.

Stay where you are a redecorate.

Moving house is very very stressful.

I think you'd be crazy to move. Basically downsizing as your children are about to get bigger and need more space. Can you remortgage for a longer term and pay less each month?

I'm with your dh, but understand wanting to be mortgage free.

Work out what it would cost you in agent, solicitor and removal fees, etc, to move and rather than moving use that estimated cost to pay that amount off your mortgage as a lump sum (if you're able to without incurring any early repayment fees). If you do have an early repayment charge, pay off the max you can without incurring any charges.

Look at ways to overpay your mortgage at every opportunity so that you pay it off sooner.

This way you have your larger house and garden, which will be a godsend with teens, and it will be a better investment as it will end up (hopefully) being worth more in the long run.

If memories of a difficult time in this house are making things hard for you to forget, how about redecorating or rearranging the rooms about in order to make it feel/ look different? Do you think that might help?

Moving house won't take away your memories or solve any lingering marital problems. They will come to the new house with you. I think your DH is right here. Stay in the old house and work on it and your relationship together.

Glad to have helped @Moveorstay2022. Good luck.

Stay where you are.
Redecorate and get the kitchen done to start a new chapter in your current house.

Don't move. Your circumstances will be worse in the short term (less-nice house, more risk about school places), and they'll also be worse when you retire (less valuable asset).

Your current house is an asset, and your mortgage payments are going into building value in that asset (minus the interest). The new build is a less valuable asset, which will grow less in value than your current house - especially since, as others have said, new builds can lose value when they're no longer new-and-shiny. If you want to free money from your current house, wait until you need to (when you're retired), rather than doing it early and losing out on the growth in value of your current house.

I wouldn't move to somewhere smaller with primary aged kids, tbh. They need more and more space as they get older, they have more studying to do, get into more hobbies, have more friends round and once they're teens they get very noisy. The further away they can be from the adults in the house, the better you will all get on.

I think that 5 years down the line, you'd find yourself longing for the house you're in now. And you could be mortgage-free in a few years anyway with your savings, then start paying the mortgage money into your pensions.

Your mortgage rate sounds high - we're paying £200/month more than you and our mortgage is double yours. If you could move to a lower rate but still pay 1k a month (i.e. overpay your mortgage), you could very well be mortgage free by 45 and still keep your lovely current home.