Help, house decision. DH and I can't agree

[Moveorstay2022]

Me, DH both late 30s, and 2 DC under 6.

Current situation:
4 bed detached from the 70s, big garden, desirable area close to kids' school. 3 living spaces. Kitchen needs doing. Extension potential on side and back. c£150k mortgage left (paying £1k p/m), estimated value of house £500k.

So we've had a tricky few years in our marriage -lots better now but I've fallen out of love with the house as it's a constant reminder of a very difficult time.

I have seen a house. Semi detached, new build. Less living space and small garden (but next to big fields). Ample space upstairs for bedrooms/office/playrooms as they have built into the loft. 5 mins from where we currently are, not as desirable of an area but definitely not bad. Out of school catchment but school has a sibling policy and they have advised that youngest DC should be fine to get in.

One of the biggest pull factors for me is that if we move to this house, we can be mortgage free and save an extra £1k a month. We are not financially uncomfortable now but not having a mortgage would strengthen that.

DH likes the new house but isn't motivated by not having a mortgage as it's "normal" to have one at our age. Instead he thinks that we will regret selling our current property because of where it is and the size of the plot, that it will appreciate more in value than the other property that will offset the no-mortgage saving.
He doesn't think that 1 living space is enough - I prefer that as at the moment, it's too easy for us to watch our own TV in different rooms. I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room. I think that in the future if kids need a TV for their playstation or what not, we could convert one of the bedrooms upstairs.
If we stay here we will need to do the kitchen which will use up some of our savings, plus we continue with the mortgage.

We can't agree on what to do. Any advice appreciated

Stay where you are.

Are you on a fixed or variable rate mortgage, and what interest rate are you currently paying?

I wouldn't move to the house you're describing OP , pps are right about needing extra space as your children grow. I do understand how you feel having gone through some rocky times though. Is there a compromise to be had ? Is your DH open to moving at all or is it just that particular house he objects to ?. If you can move to a home you both like and reduce your mortgage significantly would that help ?
I'm sorry to bring this up and don't want to upset you but, are you sure it's only the house you have fallen out of love with? You say your marriage is "lots better". Is there a possibility that once the mortgage has gone maybe your DH is worrying you will be too? Has that thought ever crept into your head ?. I'm a strong believer in what will be, will be. If something is meant to happen for you things will fall into place easily. Don't rush into any irreversible decisions, there will always be another house.

Stay. Use the money that it would cost to move to decorate and change it enough for you to love it again.
100% wouldn't move from a detached to a semi. You will notice every noise. Also I wouldn't be convinced that the near by fields wouldn't be built on.

Other than the large mortgage, your current home sounds like my dream home - ie a lot more space, ideal for local school, 3 living spaces which will be ideal as DCs get older and both want friends at the same time. However, if money has in any way caused your previous problems, then I understand why you're thinking about finances.

If it's decided you move, then as near as possible, you both have to be happy with it. Is there anything DH likes nearby that might be an option?

I’d be worried those ‘big fields’ will become more housing developments over time and you’ll regret giving up your current space.

I don't think the semi is a good option. However, I do understand what it's like to live in a house you don't love and I wouldn't be willing to do that long term. Redecorating and a new kitchen just wouldn't do it for me. I would look for another property.

The potential new house doesn't sound like the right house for you, i'm not saying that a move would be a bad idea, but there is too much wrong with this particular house.

In particular I'd be wary of a small garden next to big fields- the big fields don't mean anything unless they are yours. We are quite rural and I've been amazed recently by some planning permissions to allow new build estates in what seemed to be very clearly greenbelt land. You might end up with a small garden overlooked by several large 3 story new builds.

@Madmog 150k is hardly a large mortgage in their 30’s, particularly in the South!

There isn't really the option to buy in the same area, houses here are difficult to come by (which says it all), anything cheaper that would be adequate would be do-er up-pers.

I have decided to forget about the new house, the cons of moving are just too risky.

We are on a variable life time base rate tracker, margin 1.99%. I ought to fix really and if we agree to stay then I will look at that soon

DH wouldn't mind moving but it would have to be a sound financial investment, which he doesn't think house b is.

Now I’ve moved to a detached there’s no way I’d go back to a semi. I just love not having neighbour noise. If you have to ‘force’ yourselves to sit together by only having one living area then that’s a red flag. I mean, if you are annoying each other that much then one of you will just end up in the bedroom anyway I’d have thought. Think about redecorating or switching around bedrooms maybe to lessen the memories of the past. Marriage counselling might help.

Fix your mortgage rate now, before it's too late.

Totally with your husband.

We have a small house and are looking to move or extend. However, one thing our small house DOES have in its favour is we have two separate rooms. You won't appreciate being "forced" to all be together in one room as your kids get older. Actually, you might love it but they certainly won't!

You’d be mortgage free because you’d have a less valuable asset.

New build sounds far less nice. You could keep an eye out on the market for anything you both love?

I'm sorry you've been through a rough patch & still feel insecure within your marriage.

Was there any DV? Affair? I think there are some events that can be very very difficult to move past & are triggered by being in the same place, so I can totally see why (for instance) if you caught him in your bed with someone else it would be very difficult to get past that, but if it's that you argued with him in the kitchen about finding out he was having an affair, it might be very difficult, but you could get past it. Do I suppose, for me, it depends just how hard things were.

As others have mentioned, moving furniture around, redecorating, even switching the use of rooms (kids bedroom to office etc) can totally change your perspective & feeling.

On paper your DH is correct. Your current place sounds lovely! The other place 'not so much' & with things how they are a stressful house move probably isn't for the best ESPECIALLY when it's not a 'step up' & something one if you really doesn't want to do.

I think you need more couples counselling & I think you'd benefit from some on your own.
Your comment about making the windows smaller really says more about your current mental state than anything else you've said. You sound quite (understandably!!) unwell.

I'm really very sorry you're struggling so much, please get some help 🌸

DH wouldn't mind moving but it would have to be a sound financial investment, which he doesn't think house b is.

Well he's right. It makes no sense financially or otherwise for you to move to this house.

I would not move if you can comfortably afford to stay. I’d get some counselling to help me feel more comfortable about where I am though.

I'd rather have a few bad memories than wake up every day to a bad reality.

I'd stay. Your current house sounds much nicer.

I'm glad you've decided to forget about the new house. It would be madness to leave a detached house with good amenities and an easy school run when you're financially stable.

I always want to side with OP but your DH 100% right here.

Stay put and do it up or look for option 3

Stay...Your house sounds great and future proof.

The benefits of staying seem to far outweigh those of moving at this stage of your family's lives.

It sounds like it would also be a good idea to get some help and counselling, to help you get to a better space emotionally and mentally, Best Wishes OP.

If you want to move then choose a different property. The one you are looking at doesn't sound suitable. It's very normal for teens to spend a lot of time in their own space and choose to come to the family space less frequently. You may find a small house causes new problems with the dynamic with children growing up.

Your current house sounds nicer - I’d stay.

You’d be mortgage free because you’d have a less valuable asset.

They would have money to invest. If they're willing to take risks, they will see a much bigger return on that over time than they will on property.