Help, house decision. DH and I can't agree

[Moveorstay2022]

Me, DH both late 30s, and 2 DC under 6.

Current situation:
4 bed detached from the 70s, big garden, desirable area close to kids' school. 3 living spaces. Kitchen needs doing. Extension potential on side and back. c£150k mortgage left (paying £1k p/m), estimated value of house £500k.

So we've had a tricky few years in our marriage -lots better now but I've fallen out of love with the house as it's a constant reminder of a very difficult time.

I have seen a house. Semi detached, new build. Less living space and small garden (but next to big fields). Ample space upstairs for bedrooms/office/playrooms as they have built into the loft. 5 mins from where we currently are, not as desirable of an area but definitely not bad. Out of school catchment but school has a sibling policy and they have advised that youngest DC should be fine to get in.

One of the biggest pull factors for me is that if we move to this house, we can be mortgage free and save an extra £1k a month. We are not financially uncomfortable now but not having a mortgage would strengthen that.

DH likes the new house but isn't motivated by not having a mortgage as it's "normal" to have one at our age. Instead he thinks that we will regret selling our current property because of where it is and the size of the plot, that it will appreciate more in value than the other property that will offset the no-mortgage saving.
He doesn't think that 1 living space is enough - I prefer that as at the moment, it's too easy for us to watch our own TV in different rooms. I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room. I think that in the future if kids need a TV for their playstation or what not, we could convert one of the bedrooms upstairs.
If we stay here we will need to do the kitchen which will use up some of our savings, plus we continue with the mortgage.

We can't agree on what to do. Any advice appreciated

I’m with DH. Don’t move. I did, and it was definitely a move backwards, although it wasn’t as clear cut as yours (the house I was in wasn’t as ‘good’ as yours and the option I moved to not as ‘bad’) I definitely moved for emotional reasons and not practical ones, and I think it would have been worth toughing it out where I was, or at least waiting for a better option.

I was running away. I needed a fresh start, and I got it. But with the benefit of a clear head, it wasn’t the right move. It’s not so bad that I’ll move again yet, and my main reasons for moving were sound, but I rushed it. I should have held on for a better option, or made different compromises. I had other pressures too, and you can’t always optimise everything, so I forgive myself.

Another point. Unless you are about to actively invest a lot of that 72k I would look to pay off a chunk of the mortgage, providing you don’t exceed your overpayment limit. At the moment your savings are being depleted every year unless you are getting in excess of 7% interest which seems highly unlikely! If you can pay off 30k without penalties then do it. Or even if it’s only 15k (mortgages often have 10% balance overpayment limit) then pay that this year and again next year. It will reduce the amount of interest you end up paying overall and bring your end date forward. This would be a compromise in terms of your financial worries.

Don't move. Spend the money that you'd use on moving on your current house.
You'll regret it.

You would be absolutely mad to move to a smaller house with less amenities where you’ll have to drive your kids to school every day.

I wonder if you have an emotional feeling that if you were just mortgage free, all the loose ends would be tied up, you could relax and feel in control. Not judging, I understand that feeling if so. But it wouldn’t make you in control of your relationship and guarantee stability in that sense. You’d just have the same issues in a smaller and less familiar place.

I'm team DH. I live in a semi detached house. With a small garden. My neighbour is so noisy

I DREAM of a detached house with a big garden.

Do not move

I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room

Ask your friends with teenagers if they think one living space is advantageous.

I would stay put (unless the mortgage payments are a massive struggle). I live in a small 3 bed semi. Downstairs there is a bathroom, a living room and a tiny kitchen. Dinner table is in living room. If anyone wants space/peace they have to go to their bedroom.

Don’t get me wrong, I love where I live, and I’m very aware that I’m extremely lucky to be able to afford to keep a roof over our heads. However, I’d love to have a dining room/second reception room, just for a bit more space!!!

The new house really isn't nearly as suitable. I'm with your DH on this one. But keep looking.

You will want to upsize to your old house in the next few years, but by then you may have priced yourself out. Moving would be madness.

I think you should stay - as the children grow older they really do need their own space - and you will need space away from them!

Being mortgage free sounds attractive - and is - but do not sacrifice too much for that. We became mortgage free in our early 40s because my OH was too ill to work full time and we needed to reduce our outgoings - it required a lot of sacrifice and, whilst it was the right decision, we paid a price in many ways.

Stay put - you have more space, and that will become a valued item in the future. Also if a move causes problems and sacrifices (as it inevitably will) it will not help your marriage. And never forget the hell of house buying and selling - I have done this recently and it is very very stressful.

New build semi sounds like hell on earth - I am in a new build semi now, having always had bigger detached properties. It is brilliant - low maintenance, lovely garden, splendid views, excellent sound-proofing - I have been here a year and not heard a bean from the neighbours in spite of the fact that our TVs abut each other either side of the wall. Best move I have ever made!

100% stay. The new one sounds like hell

I would stay, and use the savings to make the 10% or whatever your mortgage company allow as an overpayment every year.

First though do the work on the house, make it a place you are both happy in and can make some fresh memories. Moving would mean paying out an awful lot on fees and stamp duty.

I wouldn’t move.

We have children similar ages and are looking to move to a bigger house with more reception rooms and a bigger garden. As our children grow we'll need more reception rooms so that everyone has some space, especially thinking about the teen years, space will be valuable (i grew up in a small house with 3 children, it was hell!). The large garden would be amazing for our children to have a large safe area to play, we have a garden now but it isn't that big (we live near lots of open space, a country park etc but its a faff going out when you can just open the back door). I can't understand why you'd want to down size the garden with young children? If you are really struggling to afford the house then downsize but if its just a case of you've been through a rough patch there I wouldn't move. Redecorate, make small changes, if you are in a good place again you'll make happy memories there that will help change your negative feelings.

It's not about the house op or a move, it's a red herring
Wherever you move your relationship goes with you

I’m in team DH. And also Team Big Windows. Your house sounds lovely and having big rooms, a nice garden, walking distance from school and amenities will keep the price high. If you only want the extra £1k a month to save for retirement then mentally adjust to thinking of the mortgage payments as money that can be released when you downsize in retirement.

I’d rather be boiled in oil than trade multiple living spaces for a single one, and if I had a single one multiple living spaces would be on my absolute must before dc were teenagers. They’ll have friends over, watch awful movies, etc etc. I would also die a little inside trading a local high at and walking to school for driving and just an aldi, I can’t believe you’re even considering this terrible idea!! Agree with what others say as well that those fields next door to the place you’re considering won’t stay fields.

Op do you spend a lot of time on mumsnet? I find the more threads I read about people being mortgage free, million pound pension pots and squillons of savings the worse I feel. Which in your situation is ridiculous. You have 350k equity, 72k in savings and income of 4K a month. Plus enough living space for you all. Start to practice gratitude for what you have, every day and try to change your mindset. You are in an enviable position.
I think however the issues probably run deeper and maybe your marriage is in more trouble than you think and the move would be a distraction. Maybe you would be happier without DH?

God don’t sell! New build sounds awful! You will regret not having another living space when your kids are older and there’s so much to be said for detached

Sorry cross post with @Guiltypleasures001

I wouldn't move either. And don't forget, the new build by the fields, those fields will be houses in no time I'd wager.

You need more space and living areas as the children grow! Moving to the smaller new build sounds like a really bad idea.

Don’t move,do up the house you are in!

Stamp duty is the reason most don’t move it’s £xxxxx down the drain

Can you over pay mortgage ?