Help, house decision. DH and I can't agree

[Moveorstay2022]

Me, DH both late 30s, and 2 DC under 6.

Current situation:
4 bed detached from the 70s, big garden, desirable area close to kids' school. 3 living spaces. Kitchen needs doing. Extension potential on side and back. c£150k mortgage left (paying £1k p/m), estimated value of house £500k.

So we've had a tricky few years in our marriage -lots better now but I've fallen out of love with the house as it's a constant reminder of a very difficult time.

I have seen a house. Semi detached, new build. Less living space and small garden (but next to big fields). Ample space upstairs for bedrooms/office/playrooms as they have built into the loft. 5 mins from where we currently are, not as desirable of an area but definitely not bad. Out of school catchment but school has a sibling policy and they have advised that youngest DC should be fine to get in.

One of the biggest pull factors for me is that if we move to this house, we can be mortgage free and save an extra £1k a month. We are not financially uncomfortable now but not having a mortgage would strengthen that.

DH likes the new house but isn't motivated by not having a mortgage as it's "normal" to have one at our age. Instead he thinks that we will regret selling our current property because of where it is and the size of the plot, that it will appreciate more in value than the other property that will offset the no-mortgage saving.
He doesn't think that 1 living space is enough - I prefer that as at the moment, it's too easy for us to watch our own TV in different rooms. I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room. I think that in the future if kids need a TV for their playstation or what not, we could convert one of the bedrooms upstairs.
If we stay here we will need to do the kitchen which will use up some of our savings, plus we continue with the mortgage.

We can't agree on what to do. Any advice appreciated

First, I wouldn’t go from detached to attached. You really notice next door’s nouse. I regret doing this.
Second you need a house to grow into as your children get older.
Third, your local amenities will be aGodsend when the dc can go to shops alone.
Can you increase your mortgage payments? There’ll be a calculator somewhere showing how much you save & how much quicker you pay off by increasing monthly payments. ( Google a site called six figures under as woman there is doing same)

I would stay. The new house sounds like a downgrade.

Normally I’d say go mortgage-free but when your little ones are teenagers you’ll be very grateful for the space your current house will have for everyone.

Also new house is next to fields, those fields may one day be built on, too.

Unless you own, or plan to own, all those ‘big fields’ of which you speak, can you guarantee that thy won’t be built on? New housing estates tend to expand and expand in my experience. Also, what is it you value about these fields? Do you enjoy looking out over them, or do you want to walk in them? Unless they’re public spaces or have footpaths through them, they’ll be owned by someone, possibly a farmer, and you won’t be allowed to wander round them.

I agree with dh , I live in a new build and I love the house but would never give up dear aches for semi and being on an estate in claustrophobic! I can't wait to move !

Don't move!

Watch 'love it or list it' together and plan how you can breathe fresh life into your existing house which sounds lovely.

I’m with your dh. We’re moving next week we hope and it has cost a fortune and been unbearably stressful. I couldn’t do that to downsize unless there was no other option.

Yanbu to want to move though. Have a look at other options. But bear in mind with stamp duty it will cost a fortune and wipe out some of your savings.

I'm with your DH, sorry

Don't go smaller and yes the school's says this now but there is no guarantee of a place.

Your dc won't be young forever op.

You will be SO glad of those extra rooms when they are older.

Detached to semi? Nooooo

I think you are conflating two separate issues tbh

The house didn't cause your marriage problems after all. Maybe slenc some time and money on your current house (new kitchen etc)

You would be mad to do as you suggest imho

Stay…. Think you are mad to move.

Seems like no competition to me...? Stay out and enjoy your detached, large family home. Maybe when teens are older, you'd appreciate a smaller house, but space is only going to become more desirable in the coming years.

I would stay put, or look for a house equivalent to the one you are in. The new build would be a big mistake - those fields will be built on, and having a relatively small mortgage to live in a better house is no burden at your age.

Whenever I feel like making a big change for no good reason I bow stop and look hard at what is really going on with me. I have learned this through bitter experience, and I'm wondering whether you might benefit from it too?

You’d be mad to move!

We’re now nudging towards 50 and our kids are teenagers, the benefit of them being able to walk to school / friends / shops is enormous. I don’t even love our house and it’s certainly not our forever home, but we will stay here until the kids have left because the amenities and convenience far outweigh my grumblings about the house.

My children are now taller than me and take up a lot of space especially when they have their equally adult sized mates round. Imagine whether the new house is big enough to comfortably accommodate a handful of adults, if it’s not, it’s a no.

Seriously, the age your kids are, now is NOT the time to downsize.

Problems move with you, a new house won't be the new start you think it will be.

If your marriage is going to survive it won't be because you had to start watching TV together.

Personally, I'd stay and spend less on the kitchen.

Sorry I all the good points you have made about moving or this house seems to be to fix relationship issues you perceive to be there - moving away from memories, forcing everyone to be in the same room. You will be out of catchment - you can't expect the sibling rule to hold firm it might change.
I also think you need therapy to process the past and what you believe to be current problems. Redecorate if you want to - move from a detached to a semi detached not in catchment and further away? Madness

I would stay put.

You don’t NEED to be mortgage free. You need a good quality of life now . You have enough space to raise your family where you are and can afford it.

If your current home reminds you of unpleasant times, then perhaps changing it somewhat would mark the beginning of a new time.

We currently live in a 3 bed semi with a garden but it's not massive. I have two DC's under 5.

Your current home is exactly what we are looking for. We need more space while the kids are young.

I wouldn't downsize until they are much older.

I understand not loving your house due to bad memories, which can make it feel like a hostile territory.

But from what you've said, this house you've seen is a terrible idea.

I fell back in love with my house and loved it again. That process took two years. How long have things been sorted now with your DH?

I also understand the money angst, despite having a good income - that's a symptom of other issues so don't let that anxiety lead you to making these sorts of decisions.

My advice is remodelled kitchen and living area, maybe a small extension for it, because it's different. Keep your big windows, unless you're overlooked.

Hope you feel more settled soon, OP.

Definitely do not down size. We paid our mortgage off two years ago (mid 40s and DH turned 50). We really regret not upsizing when we were younger - not necessarily size but area and price. We are still keen to do it but will mean we never pay it off so will sell when we retire. Detached is a godsend as is having a high street within walking distance. Don’t be seduced by the show homes. They often take a hit once they’re ‘shop soiled’ anyway!

I wouldn’t downsize with a growing family. It’s great your marriage is back in course but if you hit another rough patch you might appreciate having more space to watch TV separately!

@spotcheck

If your current home reminds you of unpleasant times, then perhaps changing it somewhat would mark the beginning of a new time.

This is absolutely NOT the approach to take.

Moving house won't solve your relationship problems, and could make them worse since your DH does not agree with you.

Don’t move - going from detached to semi is not a good step unless you have to.
In a few years you’ll be so pleased to have the extra living space.
Redecorate throughout as DH has offered, enjoy yourself ordering fabric and colour swatches - make it feel like a new house to you.

sounds like you need to work on your marriage and your self esteem,
bad memories can follow you everywhere unless you sort them out,
dont blame the house