Help, house decision. DH and I can't agree

[Moveorstay2022]

Me, DH both late 30s, and 2 DC under 6.

Current situation:
4 bed detached from the 70s, big garden, desirable area close to kids' school. 3 living spaces. Kitchen needs doing. Extension potential on side and back. c£150k mortgage left (paying £1k p/m), estimated value of house £500k.

So we've had a tricky few years in our marriage -lots better now but I've fallen out of love with the house as it's a constant reminder of a very difficult time.

I have seen a house. Semi detached, new build. Less living space and small garden (but next to big fields). Ample space upstairs for bedrooms/office/playrooms as they have built into the loft. 5 mins from where we currently are, not as desirable of an area but definitely not bad. Out of school catchment but school has a sibling policy and they have advised that youngest DC should be fine to get in.

One of the biggest pull factors for me is that if we move to this house, we can be mortgage free and save an extra £1k a month. We are not financially uncomfortable now but not having a mortgage would strengthen that.

DH likes the new house but isn't motivated by not having a mortgage as it's "normal" to have one at our age. Instead he thinks that we will regret selling our current property because of where it is and the size of the plot, that it will appreciate more in value than the other property that will offset the no-mortgage saving.
He doesn't think that 1 living space is enough - I prefer that as at the moment, it's too easy for us to watch our own TV in different rooms. I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room. I think that in the future if kids need a TV for their playstation or what not, we could convert one of the bedrooms upstairs.
If we stay here we will need to do the kitchen which will use up some of our savings, plus we continue with the mortgage.

We can't agree on what to do. Any advice appreciated

I'm with your dh, unless finances are dire and you need to downsize. What is your income/mortgage ratio?

As your dc grow you'll need more space. A semi after detached will annoy you and a larger plot will always make tour current house more saleable.

I wouldn’t move either. I think you would be mad.

Definitely don’t move to that house. Maybe you do need a change, but the new build you’ve described is not the one. Can you fall back in love with your house? Redecorate etc?

If the new build has fields next to it, I doubt they will be fields in 5 years time. Also, and I say this because you’ve had marriage difficulties it might be better to keep the mortgage in case you split because if you were to split with a property paid off then you’d only have that equity to play with and would have to get new separate mortgages IYSWIM? I’m not sure that’s 100% correct but it crossed my mind.

I’d stay and redecorate or extend to give the house a new feel.

@Hucklead

Does DH know you want to move solely because of the bad memories? Would a change of decor help?

He does and he understands that. He has said that if we stay we can do the full decor from top to bottom.

This is definitely a case of head Vs heart. Heart is at new house but I know it's not right. If we move and it turns out to be wrong decision, it will cause new problems with DH

Don't move.
Make some changes to the current house so you love it again.

I wouldn’t move

@ShowOfHands

And don't underestimate the effect of leaving behind a house you know for one you don't. Even when you buy a much better house, you leave behind familiarity and the place where there are happy memories and the children's firsts. I know you're focusing on the unhappy stuff ATM but ime, you take that stuff with you. It isn't actually built into the bricks and mortar in the way that you think. It can be therapeutic to move and a positive thing but think very carefully about whether you need to process whatever has happened in a different way because it's rarely as simple as moving.

Thank you, that makes complete sense. X

Your husband is right. A house move is not a solution to the emotional relationship issues

I wouldn't move. The new build house does not sound great. When your DC are older you will be grateful for the extra space inside and out.

I would be very wary about assuming your child would get a school place if you move.

Stay in a detached….I’ve had some awful noisy neighbours in the past.

From everything you say, the new house is such a poor option in comparison with your current place.

But I also suspect that this isn't just about the house.

Are all the marriage issues definitely sorted out, or are you trying to fix things by just trying to change something?

Stay. I can see the big housing estate built on the open fields in a worse area in 10 years time.

We moved 7 years ago from our family home of 20 years. It had been a very happy home. However once everything was packed it was an empty house and no longer belonged to us. I hadn't expected that. Our home and memories was packed into two removal vans. The family jumped into our cars. Everything arrived at the new house along with all our memories.

I'm 100% on your husband's side. New Builds are absolute shit.

@Fireflygal

I'm with your dh, unless finances are dire and you need to downsize. What is your income/mortgage ratio?

As your dc grow you'll need more space. A semi after detached will annoy you and a larger plot will always make tour current house more saleable.

The mortgage per month is £1k, the income is c£4k.

We have c£72k savings. I don't know what it is, I know that we are very very lucky, but I'm constantly worrying about retirement and saving up for it as much as possible by reducing our debt burden. I have some insecurities about financial instability stemming from my childhood

Don't move.

I rarely side with the husband but in this case he's right.

You need to fall back in love with your home. Because it is a home not just a house. New kitchen. New paint work. New plants in the garden that you can watch grow. And remember that you must have good memories there too. Try and bring them to the fore. Babies first steps. Those evening cuddles with a freshly washed toddler. Toddlers playing in the bath...

Stay where you are. You have the house I'm desperate for. A cramped new-build will do you no favours.

The fields will become a building site and then houses.

Forcing yourselves to be in one living space will be seem like a crazy idea as the kids get older.

Focus on refreshing your current house and your mind. Moving alone will not change your marriage or your happiness.

@Pegasushaswings

If the new build has fields next to it, I doubt they will be fields in 5 years time. Also, and I say this because you’ve had marriage difficulties it might be better to keep the mortgage in case you split because if you were to split with a property paid off then you’d only have that equity to play with and would have to get new separate mortgages IYSWIM? I’m not sure that’s 100% correct but it crossed my mind.

I’d stay and redecorate or extend to give the house a new feel.

Thank you. I don't think we will split, but moving to the new house will put pressure on us if we both realise it's a mistake, so I can't say for sure that our marriage is secure.

I can’t see any upsides to the other house apart from being mortgage free and I’m not sure it’s worth it unless you’re anticipating a big change in careers or financial circumstances. Being detached is gold as far as I’m concerned- it’s not just about neighbours being noisy, it’s worrying that you will be the noisy neighbour!

Moving house is also mega stressful, I’m not sure if intentionally throw that in to a relationship that’s been on rocky ground recently. Once you’re there add in the cumulative effects of all the small inconveniences and I don’t think you’re setting yourself up for contentment.

I'm with what everyone else says and wouldn't move. I 100% appreciate the mortgage free idea as I'd love that, but your current place sounds so much better. It will also appreciate more and quicker than the other property as said.
I hate to disagree / say the man is right but in this case I'd think long and hard.

Maybe something else will come up that's better in all ways. Also agree with what other people say, can you decorate / change things to bring a fresh perspective.

Also saw a comment above about children's firsts. I 100% agree with this. My parents nearly sold my childhood home when I was still young and I got really upset/sulked etc. nothing was good enough to replace it and the tree I climbed up as a child, I was literally devastated...

That's just additional food for thought really

Agree with your H too.

Feelings and thoughts can change. Therapy is a lot cheaper than a house move!

What about secondary catchments?

Is this a reverse? No chance I’d buy this other house. If you really want to move then keep looking

You need therapy, not a new house. You're thinking that leaving behind your current house will leave behind the issues you've had with your husband and it just doesn't work that way. Nothing about your idea is sensible.