Help, house decision. DH and I can't agree

[Moveorstay2022]

Me, DH both late 30s, and 2 DC under 6.

Current situation:
4 bed detached from the 70s, big garden, desirable area close to kids' school. 3 living spaces. Kitchen needs doing. Extension potential on side and back. c£150k mortgage left (paying £1k p/m), estimated value of house £500k.

So we've had a tricky few years in our marriage -lots better now but I've fallen out of love with the house as it's a constant reminder of a very difficult time.

I have seen a house. Semi detached, new build. Less living space and small garden (but next to big fields). Ample space upstairs for bedrooms/office/playrooms as they have built into the loft. 5 mins from where we currently are, not as desirable of an area but definitely not bad. Out of school catchment but school has a sibling policy and they have advised that youngest DC should be fine to get in.

One of the biggest pull factors for me is that if we move to this house, we can be mortgage free and save an extra £1k a month. We are not financially uncomfortable now but not having a mortgage would strengthen that.

DH likes the new house but isn't motivated by not having a mortgage as it's "normal" to have one at our age. Instead he thinks that we will regret selling our current property because of where it is and the size of the plot, that it will appreciate more in value than the other property that will offset the no-mortgage saving.
He doesn't think that 1 living space is enough - I prefer that as at the moment, it's too easy for us to watch our own TV in different rooms. I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room. I think that in the future if kids need a TV for their playstation or what not, we could convert one of the bedrooms upstairs.
If we stay here we will need to do the kitchen which will use up some of our savings, plus we continue with the mortgage.

We can't agree on what to do. Any advice appreciated

The move sounds like the worst of all worlds! Less space, semi-detached, worse area, no amenities, etc etc! Sure it’s mortgage-free but at what cost?

If the main driver behind moving is to let go of bad memories around marriage difficulties, rather than the mortgage thing, spend the stamp duty on counselling and redecoration rather than a random upheaval. Skip the extension and spend the money on paying down the mortgage.

@kittensinthekitchen

Honestly, your current house sounds perfect. Treat yourselves to your new kitchen. I saw you mentioned extension potential but question what for? You have a spare bedroom and three living spaces downstairs? Do you need an extension? Depending on the kitchen budget, would you consider paying a chunk of your savings to your mortgage? Would that reduce the time, or the monthly outgoing? I don't know how that works.

DH always wanted the house for the extension potential, he just wants a massive house it seems. But it's just not needed,we could make a nice kitchen diner and ensuite by configuring the existing layout rather than adding new foundations. I would be willing to stay here and make this better but I would definitely not agree to an extension. The house also has huge windows, that was initially a selling point but it's now really annoying and the dust is endless. Has anyone made their windows smaller before?

Totally stay, stay, stay! I agree with the poster who said you need to fall back in love with your house. Three living spaces is amazing and you will be so grateful for these in later years. I would kill for a third living space; I am a grandparent and there are only two of us now but when the family come back I long for more room. I think you would regret downsizing; your current house sounds perfect. Long term the investment will pay off and you will be in a much better position financially.

The dust is a small price to pay for lovely big windows!

Why are huge windows creating dust and why do you want to make them smaller?

@M0RVEN

Less space will not help your marriage difficulties.

Are the house and your £72k savings in joint names?

Do you both work full time and share all the parenting / housework / wife work ?

Yes everything is in joint names. We both work full time from home (for the foreseeable), I do more housework and life admin but DH has got better with that as it was one of our issues

Unless finances are tight or you have a specific plan to use the money downsizing with dc that young would be difficult. Check plans for the green field, if one new build estate was built on similar land it is highly likely that will disappear in time and your property price be capped by availability of similar properties. School admissions criteria can change with consultation, so no future guarantees unless for 2023 entry, especially with developments attracting families to the area.

I remember being desperate to move, really antsy and uncomfortable being in our house. It occupied a lot of my thoughts. I talked to estate agents and looked at other houses. Turned out it was my anxiety talking, and going on antidepressants completely took away the feeling.

I think your DH's suggestion if redecorating is a good one. Moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do and a stressor to any marriage. Semi detached is more stressful than detached. Separate rooms are a godsend when tweens start have friends round, then and turn into teens. Stay.

Stay put. Use the money you would have spent on stamp duty etc to do up the kitchen which should help with bad memories etc

This would just be a really stupid move. And it isnt fair on your family. Your house sound great for growing kids. It will be a perfect set up when they're teenagers and it is somewhere they can bring their friends and have space to hang out with them without parents sitting in the same room.

The garden as well... it really does sound like a stupid move.

You've had a rough patch. But you've healed. And this is the house you have healed in, the house you have been raising your family in. And it could be the house your children grow in.

Dont move.

Your current house sounds great, I would be reluctant to move tbh. Semi-detached, you never know who your neighbours are going to be: could be great, could be horrendous & there's only a wall & garden fence between you & them. I would redo the kitchen & redecorate, maybe even switch the downstairs rooms around a bit by moving furniture & having different designated areas, redecorate & buy new soft furnishings in different colour schemes.

We found that couples therapy led to us needing individual therapy. Fixing us wasn't possible without some really hard work on our selves. We first had couples therapy 15 years ago and have continue to have blocks of individual therapy pretty much every year.
I recognise the externalisation of feelings into a place and things as something I do. This has been the main focus of my therapy is recognising things don't affect me I affect me.
So I would maybe speak to someone about why the house feels wrong as in my experience it isn't the place it is me and if I can work out why I'm feeling the way I do I can address it.

Don’t underestimated the snags that new builds have. Some need repeated visits from the developers to put right issues that manifest only after people move in. Your DH would see every new house inconvenience as your fault.
Don’t underestimate the benefit of plenty of living space in a relationship that is under pressure. The ability to move away from each other without seeming to make a point by retreating to the bedroom is valuable.
Do you need to factor in Stamp Duty on the purchase price of the new house? Become most new kitchens would cost much less than stamp duty.

I would stay out and refresh where I am. New build sounds terrible compared to what you have now

I would also stay. Unsure if anyone has said but you shouldn’t force yourselves to be together by having only one living space. Make the effort to sit with each other. You have twenty years before you are 60. You are saving well, your equity will grow, you house value may increase. Many outsiders looking in would prefer your house to the new option.

I wouldn’t move from a detached to a semi.

You say you’ve had a tricky few years in your marriage. I’d do the house up and you can fall back in love with it

I would stay . Its a small mortgage and your current house sounds a much better long term bet. Maybe a redecoration and some updating will make you feel better about it. New builds are generally very poor quality and yet are more expensive because everything looks new and shiny

Stay. Everything points to it. Having extra space downstairs for teens is so valuable - they want their independence and privacy, it in my experience, they also want you close enough. To dip in and out of conversations, check in, catch up etc. If that space goes into the garden (for hanging out, ball games etc) then so much the better.

If your Dc will be able to walk to school as they get older too, that is great for them. And for you, you will be less tied. And as they get older for them to access the local shops or coffee shops with their friends independently. I’d put this above quite a lot of things really.

Neighbours. Who know what your new neighbours would be like. Having good neighbours is a massive thing.

And if in time you still feel like moving, you can. Maybe frame it to yourself that you are parking the decision making for now. You can always move at a later date if you feel that is best. Much and more expensive harder to move twice.

I would absolutely stay, I wouldn't be going backwards with young kids and getting LESS space.... that's bonkers! But I would make it an absolute priority to redecorate and /or look into that extension if that's what you want. Fresh start, fresh home etc.

Stay where you are.
The fields next to the new build will be the next development at some point.

HNRTT but would the £1k have a significant marginal benefit?

Regarding the financials, you would want to consider the likely effect of the two options, the likely increase in value of each house across the lifetime and the asset you will accrue at the end of the mortgagee. You might find putting £1k in your pocket every month costs you money.

It sounds like you are moving for emotional reasons. Nothing wrong with that but don't be distracted by any flaws in the financials.

Good luck.

i

I would never go from a detached to a semi unless I had no other choice. Also, your current house is in a better area.

I would always want to be mortgage free too, but not at the expense of having a semi in a worse area.

I'm with your DH.

Re-do the kitchen.
Re-decorate throughout.

Your children will want more space as they grow older, not less.

Why pay moving costs when you don't have to?
Why pay the government more stamp duty when you don't have to?
Why share a wall with neighbours when you don't have to?

Maybe have your current house blessed, some kind of ceremony/party to start anew in it after you've redone things, moved things around,

Don't move. Redecorate.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

I would never go from a detached to a semi unless I had no other choice. Also, your current house is in a better area.

I would always want to be mortgage free too, but not at the expense of having a semi in a worse area.

Also, how secure are your jobs? If you are worried, then perhaps it is worth going mortgage free now rather than being forced to sell.