Help, house decision. DH and I can't agree

[Moveorstay2022]

Me, DH both late 30s, and 2 DC under 6.

Current situation:
4 bed detached from the 70s, big garden, desirable area close to kids' school. 3 living spaces. Kitchen needs doing. Extension potential on side and back. c£150k mortgage left (paying £1k p/m), estimated value of house £500k.

So we've had a tricky few years in our marriage -lots better now but I've fallen out of love with the house as it's a constant reminder of a very difficult time.

I have seen a house. Semi detached, new build. Less living space and small garden (but next to big fields). Ample space upstairs for bedrooms/office/playrooms as they have built into the loft. 5 mins from where we currently are, not as desirable of an area but definitely not bad. Out of school catchment but school has a sibling policy and they have advised that youngest DC should be fine to get in.

One of the biggest pull factors for me is that if we move to this house, we can be mortgage free and save an extra £1k a month. We are not financially uncomfortable now but not having a mortgage would strengthen that.

DH likes the new house but isn't motivated by not having a mortgage as it's "normal" to have one at our age. Instead he thinks that we will regret selling our current property because of where it is and the size of the plot, that it will appreciate more in value than the other property that will offset the no-mortgage saving.
He doesn't think that 1 living space is enough - I prefer that as at the moment, it's too easy for us to watch our own TV in different rooms. I like the idea of us being forced to "live" in one room. I think that in the future if kids need a TV for their playstation or what not, we could convert one of the bedrooms upstairs.
If we stay here we will need to do the kitchen which will use up some of our savings, plus we continue with the mortgage.

We can't agree on what to do. Any advice appreciated

@MrsElm

From everything you say, the new house is such a poor option in comparison with your current place.

But I also suspect that this isn't just about the house.

Are all the marriage issues definitely sorted out, or are you trying to fix things by just trying to change something?

Things are a lot better, we have had counselling and DH moved out for a short period so that we could have some proper space. We've committed to work through our issues and communicate much better now, which was one of the causes of our relationship breakdown. But that could all change in one argument

Stay!! Just do it up and create a new social kitchen where you can be together. You could always whack that lump sum off your mortgage to reduce payments?

I think you might find that you move, to a house which sounds much less suitable, and you continue to create bad memories because the fundamental issues in your marriage are not resolved... and then you want to move again and it is a financial downward spiral as the costs as so high.

I have moved for the wrong reasons before and after the honeymoon period it hits you and hits you hard that you still have the same issues and you haven't solved anything....

I wouldn’t move to the new house you have suggested. Apart from the fresh start element and mortgage free (which is not a goal I’m personally bothered by) there seem more minuses than pluses.
I’d set aside some money to do things to your current home or to be honest spend it on some therapy to deal with your feelings about the house/your marriage. It’ll be cheaper than the costs of moving!

The new build sounds worse in every single way. Stay put.

You'd be absolutely mad to move to that house. The house you're in is the sort of house people move to, from the smaller new build. If you've got 72k savings, can you remortgage at a lower monthly rate? Being mortgage free very young really is only a thing on Mumsnet. It's normal to have a mortgage. You also have a huge savings buffer compared to 99% of the population. I too suspect this is more about the relationship issues but all the stress of moving and having to coexist in a smaller space will make things worse, not better.

@Frenchfancy

Don't move.

I rarely side with the husband but in this case he's right.

You need to fall back in love with your home. Because it is a home not just a house. New kitchen. New paint work. New plants in the garden that you can watch grow. And remember that you must have good memories there too. Try and bring them to the fore. Babies first steps. Those evening cuddles with a freshly washed toddler. Toddlers playing in the bath...

Thank you, you are right. I've let the arguments and name calling erase the amazing memories of everything that the DC have done in this house

Yeah I agree with everyone else and your DH.....I dont see any benefits to the new house and especially not going from detached to semi detached!.
Stay where you are and redecorate.
How long is left on your mortgage, can you overpay?. I understand your financial concerns, we are late 40's and are overpaying to get rid of the mortgage by the time im 60 - fingers crossed!

I think you’re absolutely crackers op
If you’ve been scrapping with each other and are only just in an even keel. The mash thing you need is the stress of moving and less spaze.

Plus field can be built on... we deliberately avoided anything overlooking fields and yep - all built on now

Those fields won't be there for long, then you'll miss a bigger garden.
I'd suggest a revamp to shift the feel of the current house

Things are a lot better, we have had counselling and DH moved out for a short period so that we could have some proper space. We've committed to work through our issues and communicate much better now, which was one of the causes of our relationship breakdown. But that could all change in one argument

I think you're focusing on the house and ignoring the real cause of the problems.

A house move is stressful even for couples without the problems you've highlighted. I really don't think this is a good idea, and moving into a smaller house and being on top of each other is likely to make any problems worse.

Why has my post been deleted! I just agreed with everybody else

@Loopytiles

Agree with your H too.

Feelings and thoughts can change. Therapy is a lot cheaper than a house move!

What about secondary catchments?

The secondary school is a few streets away from the primary school so similar catchment. The primary school is the feeder school

You would be nuts to move
You have space to e g live more separately and have your womancave.
Wait and see
Maybe you end up separating and it s a different story.
But at least you have space now to spread out
As pp said get therapy not a new house
The proposed house is definitely not greener

@berksandbeyond

Is this a reverse? No chance I’d buy this other house. If you really want to move then keep looking

It's definitely not 😂 but the dilemma is characteristically me. I'm glad I posted as it's so helpful to get views from outside our little bubble

That would be an insane move!! Unless you are struggling financially, which you aren't, why on Earth would you even consider it?!

Sounds like a downgrade not an upgrade OP. I'd be wary of a new build next to a field as the field might be up for development too. You might find yourself surrounded in a few years.

The house may be a reminder of your problems but it isn't the cause of them. You'd probably argue more with the stress of the move and when you realise what a mistake you've made moving to a much worse house!

Honestly, your current house sounds perfect. Treat yourselves to your new kitchen. I saw you mentioned extension potential but question what for? You have a spare bedroom and three living spaces downstairs? Do you need an extension?
Depending on the kitchen budget, would you consider paying a chunk of your savings to your mortgage? Would that reduce the time, or the monthly outgoing? I don't know how that works.

Consider what each scenario will look like in the event that you decide to go separate ways down the line. Which property would give you the greatest return on sale and so a better settlement? I bet your detached home on a large plot near amenities and a good school will perform better.

No way would I move

Less space, fewer amenities, less convenient, all the problems that come with a new build, potentially noisy neighbours in a semi. All the stress of moving and resentment at one person forcing an ill-advised change.

If you think your current house has bad memories you need to work on your thinking.

Most people would be wanting to go from the new build semi to the detached! Also, be careful with newbuild 'management fees' which can increase quite a lot as time goes by. Moving is also really stressful so it probably isn't the best thing for you right now.

Another one saying don't move! What stood out to me was it sounds like you are using multiple living spaces to avoid each other. If you want space, you will still do that in a smaller house but one of you will be hiding in the bedroom! Can you repurpose your rooms e.g. kit one out as a proper dining room or office or playroom, so you feel less like you have separate living spaces? In our 4 bed detached we have a very underused dining room although we value the space upstairs. I hope that down the line when the kids are older, it will come into use more, not necessarily as a dining room.

Less space will not help your marriage difficulties.

Are the house and your £72k savings in joint names?

Do you both work full time and share all the parenting / housework / wife work ?

I would normally always advise going mortgage free but in this instance I think you'd be absolutely daft to move.

What you have now is my dream!

I have insecurities due to finances from a young age so I get you. I understand the drive to be mortgage free and to feel like you will never lose your home. (A weekly possibility for me when I was a teenager).

BUT you have so much equity, a lot of savings and affordability on your side.

STAY PUT!