Page 9 | AIBU, how was I racist?

Tabitha789 · 16/03/2022 10:59

I'll always call our racism. Babe you wasn't. You were just being a nice person. Please don't let that put you off helping others xxx

theworldhas · 16/03/2022 11:00

Some people are just genuinely nice and helpful, and perhaps the OP is one of those people. Assuming she would have offered help to ANY young person (or old) who she thought might be lost, then it was clearly not a racist action on her part. That doesn’t mean that the young man was “wrong” to feel uncomfortable. But the OP wasn’t necessarily being racist in the slightest. The two realities can coexist.

RedWingBoots · 16/03/2022 11:02

[quote DasAlteLeid]@RedWingBoots delivery drivers in my area use cars a lot. I often see them just on foot, and I assume their cars are parked up on the street.[/quote]
The OP didn't say he had a car near him either.

Or was wearing a delivery companies top or had a delivery companies bag.

So we should conclude he wasn't a delivery driver/courier of any type.

He was simply a man minding his own business looking at something on his phone.

Rosehugger · 16/03/2022 11:02

@RedWingBoots

So are you saying that if he was white it was ok to help him, and if he was black then she should't lest any racism via an implication that he isn't from round here be inferred?

Or by default, don't offer help to anyone with directions in case they are offended?

I'd just like to know what to do as I try to not only be not racist but also be completely anti any racism or any sort of stereotype.

AtlasPine · 16/03/2022 11:08

Perhaps just try to imagine how your (albeit innocent) advances might feel for someone whose experiences of being approached by strangers may be different. Men need to do this with women too. It’s just using a bit of empathy and also being a bit aware.

DasAlteLeid · 16/03/2022 11:08

@RedWingBoots the OP gave almost zero information so I guess we can’t assume one way or the other. Maybe he was a white man in full DHL regalia clutching a bike with a map taped to his forehead, and maybe he wasn’t. It was simply the use of ‘ma’am’ and how she relayed their conversation that made me think it could be a mistaken identity thing.

rhizobium · 16/03/2022 11:15

@tumpymummy

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

Only he can know what he was thinking, but he might have interpreted your comments as you hinting that he was heaving suspiciously.

Certain ethnicites will have had a lifetime of people subtly and not so subtly asking them if they're doing something they shouldn't when they're just going about they're everyday business. White people don't experience this kind of profiling.

I was walking home late at night (white woman) and veered off the pavement when a man suddenly appeared in my path. I walked quickly on, but he shouted after me "I WASN'T GOING TO MUG YOU YOU KNOW". At the time I was kind of pissed off, and felt like he wasn't exactly helping the situation, but I appreciate he probably percieved that he was being profiled because he was black.

My perception was that I was already on high alert of being sexually assualted as was walking late at night in dodgy area (mugging last thing on my mind), and I would've jumped out the path off any large guy who appeared in front of me. But I get he felt like he was being discrimated against and was probably just one in a long line of incidents where people were suspcious of him purely based on skin colour.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 16/03/2022 11:16

@theworldhas

Some people are just genuinely nice and helpful, and perhaps the OP is one of those people. Assuming she would have offered help to ANY young person (or old) who she thought might be lost, then it was clearly not a racist action on her part. That doesn’t mean that the young man was “wrong” to feel uncomfortable. But the OP wasn’t necessarily being racist in the slightest. The two realities can coexist.

This seems measured

Rosehugger · 16/03/2022 11:16

@AtlasPine

Perhaps just try to imagine how your (albeit innocent) advances might feel for someone whose experiences of being approached by strangers may be different. Men need to do this with women too. It’s just using a bit of empathy and also being a bit aware.

Yes, I agree with that. I wouldn't approach a man on my own at night anyway, for any reason, but if I was accompanied I might approach someone if they looked lost.

It's unfortunate though if what actually happens is young black men, say, never receive any help when they actually might need it and be afraid to ask, as people are afraid to offer help in case the offer is misconstrued as racism.

rhizobium · 16/03/2022 11:16

@tumpymummy

Realised I didn't actually say - but no of course you weren't being racist. But it's possible the guy percieved as such because of what has previously happened to him, like in my experience.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/03/2022 11:19

How about just don't walk up to random people who are looking at their phones and ask if they need help?
If you want to let people know that they can ask you for help, you just say "hi", "evening", "morning" if you pass. Make general small talk if they are receptive.

OP there must have been more to this than you're letting on, otherwise you'd be constantly offering directions to everyone on the streets as 99% have phones in their hands. What other factor gave you the impression he was lost? Was he looking at a map? Squinting at street signs/house numbers? Had he walked past several times looking around for something? If it was purely because he had a phone and was a different race, then yes, you probably were racist unless you do this to every single person regardless of race.

From his POV, I don't think white people can really understand the 'othering' most minorities experience. Subtle hints that they are being watched, that they have been noticed and if something happens their card is pegged. Clutching bags a little tighter, crossing the road to get away, being side-eyed by security etc. It's constant and exhausting.

lljkk · 16/03/2022 11:23

It's a minefield. I think my instinctive greeting is "Hi, how ya' doing!" and if they want help, they'll ask.

Phyllis321 · 16/03/2022 11:24

You did a kind thing OP, and have nothing to feel guilty about. It's sad that such an innocuous query has the potential to be racist.

HeadPain · 16/03/2022 11:30

He thinks you’re telling him he doesn’t belong there in that area because of his race

OMG12 · 16/03/2022 11:32

You obviously had no racist intentions I might have asked the same thinking he was lost. Unfortunately his mind was probably primed to interpret uncertain motives as racist. If you experience something or expect something because of social narrative you are more likely to interpret events with an unclear motive to fit that narrative.

In a similar way it is well documented people with ptsd/ disrupted vagus nerve will interpret neutral facial expressions as aggressive.

HeadPain · 16/03/2022 11:35

@HeadPain

He thinks you’re telling him he doesn’t belong there in that area because of his race

*probably

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/03/2022 11:36

I actually find this thread really sad. What the op is learning is not to interact with people as this could be taken the wrong way, whatever her intention
Soon we will all just communicate through screen, never raising our head to look at the world or anyone else

I agree with you, Fairyliz
And perhaps the other irony is that, had OP just walked on by assuming he didn't need help, that would have been wrong too ... as in "You only ignored him because he was a POC"

Agrudge · 16/03/2022 11:41

@lemongreentea

Just doing a job. I did reply to another poster who asked the same thing

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/03/2022 11:41

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I actually find this thread really sad. What the op is learning is not to interact with people as this could be taken the wrong way, whatever her intention Soon we will all just communicate through screen, never raising our head to look at the world or anyone else

I agree with you, Fairyliz
And perhaps the other irony is that, had OP just walked on by assuming he didn't need help, that would have been wrong too ... as in "You only ignored him because he was a POC"

Yes poor white people, can't do anything right these days.

wateronthebrain · 16/03/2022 11:42

I did this a while ago, a woman was standing on the street, looking at her phone and looking lost, so I asked her if I could help and if she was lost. She happened to be black. She said she was fine and she'd found the place she was looking for, but it did occur to me afterwards that perhaps she thought I was only asking her because she was black - I wasn't, and it wasn't in a predominantly white area anyway. I don't think we should stop asking people if they need help just because they have a different skin colour to us, just in case people take it in the wrong way. I can remember a number of occasions where I've been struggling with heavy suitcases on public transport, and a man has hesitantly asked me if I need help - the hesitance, I suppose coming from not wanting to appear sexist. I've usually been grateful as I was struggling, but if not I'll just say thanks but I'm fine, no big deal. It's a shame if we have to tip-toe around each other and not offer help to people who might need it out of worry we might offend someone, and I refuse to do that. If someone is going to be hypersensitive then that's their problem.

j712adrian · 16/03/2022 11:44

incident sounds very 'stop and search'

HouseyHouse21 · 16/03/2022 11:44

It's hard to know in this situation as we don't have enough information.

But most non-white people will be very familiar with the myriad subtle ways there are to say, both verbally and non-verbally, "you don't belong here". We can't know for sure, but the man in question may well have had reason to believe this was one of those situations.

Jumping to the defensive and asking random people on the internet to absolve you of any guilt or responsibility isn't really productive - these threads never are.

thedancingbear · 16/03/2022 11:45

@HeadPain

He thinks you’re telling him he doesn’t belong there in that area because of his race

And I can understand why tbh.

Unless you routinely ask white people looking at their phones whether they are lost, OP?

BramblyHedge · 16/03/2022 11:45

My kids school teaches them to call teachers and visitors ma'am and sir...was he young?

amusedbush · 16/03/2022 11:45

@LizBennet

Ma'am 🤔 Didn't think it was used in this country.

I work in a university and it's very common from Indian students - almost all of the applicants, students, recruiters, etc I've encountered from India have called me ma'am. Ditto certain parts of Africa, especially west African countries.

It's not used a lot here but it's totally normal elsewhere.