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Original poster

AIBU, how was I racist?

319 replies

tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 22:31

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

OP posts:
MyAnacondaMight · 16/03/2022 10:30

This thread just reinforces my opinion that white people largely don’t care about being racist - they just care about being called racist.

OP - you confronted a man (I assume black or mixed race), minding his own business, to ask if he knew where he was going. Looking at a phone does not signal being lost, by any objective standard. I believe you when you say you had no racist intent, but I also believe the man who felt he was racially profiled.

This could go one of two ways - you can either continue to be shocked and affronted at the audacity of the man for calling you out on your racist micro aggression. Or you can give some thought to whether you were influenced by an unconscious bias, and look at how you can do better. Please - do better.

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 10:32

@Agrudge

You clearly weren't being, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over it

I never have when ever I've been accused of racism .

why how many times have you been accused of being racist? Hmm

what behaviours are you showing that makes people accuse you of this?

Movingonup22 · 16/03/2022 10:32

@MyAnacondaMight but I did the exact same thing to a middle aged white woman just the other week?

I understand why the man may have felt it was a racist - but I really do t think it’s right to then say it was a racist micro aggression. That’s ridiculous!

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 16/03/2022 10:33

Most of us offer to help someone peering at map or looking lost. After this thread it sounds like if the person looks as if they might not take that kindly it might be better not to offer to help them.

There was no map involved. The person was looking at their phone, like half the people walking the streets these days.

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 10:34

This thread just reinforces my opinion that white people largely don’t care about being racist - they just care about being called racist.

yep this.

white people its not enough to say you are not racist when deep down you are. you have to be anti-racist. do better and the world will have fewer racists in it.

oldtableleg · 16/03/2022 10:39

“Can I help you? and “are you lost?” Can be really passive aggressive statements implying that someone doesn’t belong - you’re not from around here, are you?

I’d try to avoid making assumptions about people’s needs - you’re just opening yourself up to misunderstandings. We all have biases we tend to be unaware of (even with good intentions) but they are screamingly obvious to people who’ve been on the receiving end of shitty behaviour.

RedWingBoots · 16/03/2022 10:41

This thread just reinforces my opinion that white people largely don’t care about being racist - they just care about being called racist.

There are threads on MN like this one all the time. Some posters kindly bother to explain why the OP's behave is racist or will be perceived as racist, while others will just crawl out of the wood to whitesplain what "real" racism is.

TristramBrandy · 16/03/2022 10:46

@CellophaneFlower

I was at school in the London Borough of Havering and Ma'am for the female teachers was the norm.

I have lived in Havering all my life and have never heard a teacher called this. It's always been "Miss".

This was at Marshalls Park School in the late eighties, so I'm afraid your'e wrong
DasAlteLeid · 16/03/2022 10:47

@tumpymummy If he wasn’t white he might have thought you assumed he was a Deliveroo/Just Eat delivery man looking for an address. In my part of London I would say 90% of takeaway delivery drivers are non-white, and I’ve helped many looking clueless and pissed off in the rain squinting at tiny house numbers and phones!

Ma’am extremely common way of addressing women in the UK if you’re South Asian (and possibly other regions).

Rosehugger · 16/03/2022 10:47

You don't get to decide if it was racist or not. He does

So are you saying that this man is never capable of misreading or misinterpreting a situation? He can never actually be wrong?

As I don't think that is fair or reasonable.

Fairyliz · 16/03/2022 10:48

I actually find this thread really sad. What the op is learning is not to interact with people as this could be taken the wrong way, whatever her intention.
Soon we will all just communicate through screen, never raising our head to look at the world or anyone else.
Yes I am aware of the irony of that statement as I type on my phone.

RedWingBoots · 16/03/2022 10:49

[quote DasAlteLeid]@tumpymummy If he wasn’t white he might have thought you assumed he was a Deliveroo/Just Eat delivery man looking for an address. In my part of London I would say 90% of takeaway delivery drivers are non-white, and I’ve helped many looking clueless and pissed off in the rain squinting at tiny house numbers and phones!

Ma’am extremely common way of addressing women in the UK if you’re South Asian (and possibly other regions).[/quote]
The OP didn't say this guy had a bike with him.

SeasonFinale · 16/03/2022 10:50

The reality is even if you are asked for directions a lot he didn't ask you for directions.

Your question as explained above therefore came across to him as either (a) you don't belong here or (b) you are up to no good. If he is a different race to people of that neighbourhood then the question was perceived by him to be being asked for either of the 2 reasons above which would be racist.

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 10:52

@Fairyliz

I actually find this thread really sad. What the op is learning is not to interact with people as this could be taken the wrong way, whatever her intention. Soon we will all just communicate through screen, never raising our head to look at the world or anyone else. Yes I am aware of the irony of that statement as I type on my phone.
hopefully what the OP is learning is not to start goady 'how was I racist' threads.
CellophaneFlower · 16/03/2022 10:53

@Fairyliz

I actually find this thread really sad. What the op is learning is not to interact with people as this could be taken the wrong way, whatever her intention. Soon we will all just communicate through screen, never raising our head to look at the world or anyone else. Yes I am aware of the irony of that statement as I type on my phone.
This.

I was also just thinking perhaps I should tell my son if he sees an elderly lady struggling, to just walk on by, as she might assume he's trying to nick her handbag. Of course, she may not and be grateful for the help, but best to be safe in case she interprets it wrongly.

Rosehugger · 16/03/2022 10:54

This thread just reinforces my opinion that white people largely don’t care about being racist - they just care about being called racist

It might be punching up but that is actually racist: "white people" this, "white people" that.

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 16/03/2022 10:55

I was also just thinking perhaps I should tell my son if he sees an elderly lady struggling, to just walk on by, as she might assume he's trying to nick her handbag.

Where in the OP does it say this man was “struggling”?

Why do people have to bring in all sorts of false equivalences and strawmen to try to justify their views? [rhetorical question; I know why].

Thehonestybox · 16/03/2022 10:55

I still don't get the ma'am thing. Was it mam like jam, or ma'am like farm?!

Guineapigssweak · 16/03/2022 10:55

Obviously he had a chip on his shoulder seeing racism in everything! That card is getting boring now! He was an idiot!

DasAlteLeid · 16/03/2022 10:56

@RedWingBoots delivery drivers in my area use cars a lot. I often see them just on foot, and I assume their cars are parked up on the street.

RedWingBoots · 16/03/2022 10:57

@Rosehugger

This thread just reinforces my opinion that white people largely don’t care about being racist - they just care about being called racist

It might be punching up but that is actually racist: "white people" this, "white people" that.

It isn't racist.

If you don't understand why then you need to educate yourself.

Rosehugger · 16/03/2022 10:58

Consult a dictionary - yes it is.

DasAlteLeid · 16/03/2022 10:59

@Thehonestybox OP hasn’t clarified but I assume this man wasn’t white, in which case the use of ‘Ma’am’ could be attributed to being from Asia, where it is common parlance.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 16/03/2022 10:59

@Rosehugger

You don't get to decide if it was racist or not. He does

So are you saying that this man is never capable of misreading or misinterpreting a situation? He can never actually be wrong?

As I don't think that is fair or reasonable.

I think this is a valid point.
CellophaneFlower · 16/03/2022 10:59

@OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg

I was also just thinking perhaps I should tell my son if he sees an elderly lady struggling, to just walk on by, as she might assume he's trying to nick her handbag.

Where in the OP does it say this man was “struggling”?

Why do people have to bring in all sorts of false equivalences and strawmen to try to justify their views? [rhetorical question; I know why].

Well it doesn't. It's also not about an old lady. I was responding to the idea that before some of us innocently offer help, we had to be judgemental, in case we're perceived to be someone we're not.
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