AIBU, how was I racist?

[tumpymummy]

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

Can I ask if this is really a thing in 2022, that a black or other POC would be asked if they are lost and for it to mean that the white person is saying they don't belong there? I don't mean to sound ignorant if this kind of thing does happen, but I just couldn't imagine anyone asking that in 2022, but then I haven't lived in exclusively white posh neighbourhoods. Working class people tend to all mix together so it seems alien to me that this would happen, like something out of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' and not the UK in 2022. Is this a thing or is this all white people replying about what they think POC think? I mean, I have been in posh neighbourhoods in London where I didn't feel welcome myself as a mere white pleb, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but it seems extreme to me.

@wateronthebrain

Can I ask if this is really a thing in 2022, that a black or other POC would be asked if they are lost and for it to mean that the white person is saying they don't belong there? I don't mean to sound ignorant if this kind of thing does happen, but I just couldn't imagine anyone asking that in 2022, but then I haven't lived in exclusively white posh neighbourhoods. Working class people tend to all mix together so it seems alien to me that this would happen, like something out of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' and not the UK in 2022. Is this a thing or is this all white people replying about what they think POC think? I mean, I have been in posh neighbourhoods in London where I didn't feel welcome myself as a mere white pleb, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but it seems extreme to me.

Maybe you should ask some PoC rather than assuming it is 'extreme'. When people talk about 'micro agressions', these are the kinds of things they mean.

Maybe you should ask some PoC rather than assuming it is 'extreme'. When people talk about 'micro agressions', these are the kinds of things they mean.
Erm, that's exactly what I am doing!

@wateronthebrain

Maybe you should ask some PoC rather than assuming it is 'extreme'. When people talk about 'micro agressions', these are the kinds of things they mean. Erm, that's exactly what I am doing!

Well, you're not really, are you? You're fairly clearly expressing doubt that it could possibly happen.

Yes, it happens.

‘ Can I ask if this is really a thing in 2022, that a black or other POC would be asked if they are lost and for it to mean that the white person is saying they don't belong there?’

Yes it’s a thing. White people questioning why someone of colour is in their neighbourhood, calling the police or reporting non-white people ‘hanging around’ or white police officers using stop and search laws to repeatedly stop non-whites.
It’s well documented.

OP there must have been more to this than you're letting on, otherwise you'd be constantly offering directions to everyone on the streets as 99% have phones in their hands. What other factor gave you the impression he was lost? Was he looking at a map? Squinting at street signs/house numbers? Had he walked past several times looking around for something? If it was purely because he had a phone and was a different race, then yes, you probably were racist unless you do this to every single person regardless of race.

From his POV, I don't think white people can really understand the 'othering' most minorities experience. Subtle hints that they are being watched, that they have been noticed and if something happens their card is pegged. Clutching bags a little tighter, crossing the road to get away, being side-eyed by security etc. It's constant and exhausting.

This. 100%.

OP, only you know what assumptions and judgements you made and only you can know if they were based on his race.

Well, you're not really, are you? You're fairly clearly expressing doubt that it could possibly happen.

Yes, that's exactly what I AM DOING, I AM ASKING POC IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO THEM. Don't know what part of that you find hard to understand. I genuinely want to know because yes, I would find that extremely racist and find it hard to imagine as the areas where I've lived have been mixed. It sounds very 1950 deep south rather than the UK I know. Learn to read a bit more carefully, you might get to have more productive conversations.

My black friend was twice TWICE taken for staff in a London restaurant and asked for service.
She says it happens all the time. I couldn’t believe it. She was dressed beautifully and elegantly as always, whereas I, as always, actually looked like I might be a waitress but no one was trying to order drinks off me as I came back from the loo.
It’s part of the daily micro aggressions or racial bias that my non-white friends say is very common even in a city as diverse as London.

Working class people tend to all mix together so it seems alien to me that this would happen, like something out of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' and not the UK in 2022. Is this a thing or is this all white people replying about what they think POC think? I mean, I have been in posh neighbourhoods in London where I didn't feel welcome myself as a mere white pleb, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but it seems extreme to me.

Are you really suggesting racism is a class thing? Really? That working class people aren't racist and "posh" people are? That's quite a statement.

And you have also just suggested there are no posh people of colour living in those posh London neighbourhoods.

It sounds very 1950 deep south rather than the UK I know

Than the UK you know as a white person who isn't paying attention.

You'd have to be living under a rock not to know racism is a huge problem in the UK.

@wateronthebrain

Well, you're not really, are you? You're fairly clearly expressing doubt that it could possibly happen.

Yes, that's exactly what I AM DOING, I AM ASKING POC IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO THEM. Don't know what part of that you find hard to understand. I genuinely want to know because yes, I would find that extremely racist and find it hard to imagine as the areas where I've lived have been mixed. It sounds very 1950 deep south rather than the UK I know. Learn to read a bit more carefully, you might get to have more productive conversations.

Yes it happens.

Am white, have heard countless stories from POC of examples happening of just this (in multicultural places like London).

Just recently a high profile barrister tweeted about the constant assumptions that she must be the defendent and is treated as such.

@BoredZelda

Working class people tend to all mix together so it seems alien to me that this would happen, like something out of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' and not the UK in 2022. Is this a thing or is this all white people replying about what they think POC think? I mean, I have been in posh neighbourhoods in London where I didn't feel welcome myself as a mere white pleb, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but it seems extreme to me.

Are you really suggesting racism is a class thing? Really? That working class people aren't racist and "posh" people are? That's quite a statement.

And you have also just suggested there are no posh people of colour living in those posh London neighbourhoods.

Wow, you're really contorting yourself because you so desperately want to be a racist. I'm saying I wouldn't expect a POC to be asked if they're lost in a mixed area, with the suggestion being that they don't belong there, because many people of their ethnicity would be living there. And yes, believe it or not I know posh people aren't all white, but thank-you so so much for educating me with this fascinating and brand new information. Now go and pick a fight with the wall, I can't be arsed with this.

He was the racist, to assume everyone’s actions are driven on account of a persons ethnicity. Ignore him and move on.

*desperately want me to be racist.
OK, yeah, just tell yourself I'm a massive racist if that makes you feel better, and have a nice day.

@wateronthebrain

Can I ask if this is really a thing in 2022, that a black or other POC would be asked if they are lost and for it to mean that the white person is saying they don't belong there? I don't mean to sound ignorant if this kind of thing does happen, but I just couldn't imagine anyone asking that in 2022, but then I haven't lived in exclusively white posh neighbourhoods. Working class people tend to all mix together so it seems alien to me that this would happen, like something out of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' and not the UK in 2022. Is this a thing or is this all white people replying about what they think POC think? I mean, I have been in posh neighbourhoods in London where I didn't feel welcome myself as a mere white pleb, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but it seems extreme to me.

Yes it really is a thing in the UK in 2022. I'm amazed that you don't realise this.

I live in a very white town (not post, but old coal-mining area up north) and have seen posts on the local facebook groups about suspicious black men in the area. They were my brother's-in-law. What were they doing that was so suspicious? Well, one was eating a Greggs pasty and one reading the nature sign thing by the park (you know the one that says what wildlife you might find in the area). The post included a picture of them and plenty of people went on to comment about the lack of police presence, how they have had to install cameras or ring doorbells because of the increasing number of 'suspicious' strangers.
Someone even suggested sending some people over to find out what they were doing.

No this isn't the first time its happened to them.

@wateronthebrain

Can I ask if this is really a thing in 2022, that a black or other POC would be asked if they are lost and for it to mean that the white person is saying they don't belong there? I don't mean to sound ignorant if this kind of thing does happen, but I just couldn't imagine anyone asking that in 2022, but then I haven't lived in exclusively white posh neighbourhoods. Working class people tend to all mix together so it seems alien to me that this would happen, like something out of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' and not the UK in 2022. Is this a thing or is this all white people replying about what they think POC think? I mean, I have been in posh neighbourhoods in London where I didn't feel welcome myself as a mere white pleb, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but it seems extreme to me.

Yes, it's very much still a thing. One of the positive things about social media is that it allows you to get insights into the experiences of people in different situations / backgrounds. Have you looked into that?

You can't apparently be 'racist' to someone white.

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

You can't apparently be 'racist' to someone white.

Correct you can't. The ignorance or faux wow can't believe this still happens here is depressing. As is the well I don't see colour brigade.

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

You can't apparently be 'racist' to someone white.

No you cannot.

Just as you can't be sexist to a man. These concepts depend on historical oppression of a minority group.

@Eggshausted

He was the racist, to assume everyone’s actions are driven on account of a persons ethnicity. Ignore him and move on.

Not this again.

Learn what the word means.

Of course it happens in 2022. I live in a predominantly white WC/deprived area of the north and the local FB group is 25% complaining about dog shit on the pavement, 25% people asking for recommendations for a plumber/fencer/electrician and 50% “watch out for the white van driven by an Asian/black/Arabic guy, looks dodgy, has anyone reported it?” style posts

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

You can't apparently be 'racist' to someone white.

You know what, I'm absolutely sick to death of this type of ignorance. Educate yourself for Christ's sake. And I'm white with few black friends and a acquaintances. So lord knows how dog tired black people are of it.

@Lovelteers

My black friend was twice TWICE taken for staff in a London restaurant and asked for service. She says it happens all the time. I couldn’t believe it. She was dressed beautifully and elegantly as always, whereas I, as always, actually looked like I might be a waitress but no one was trying to order drinks off me as I came back from the loo. It’s part of the daily micro aggressions or racial bias that my non-white friends say is very common even in a city as diverse as London.

One of the most famous cases is the black editor of Vogue, Edward Enninful, in his own workplace.

@wateronthebrain

Well, you're not really, are you? You're fairly clearly expressing doubt that it could possibly happen.

Yes, that's exactly what I AM DOING, I AM ASKING POC IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO THEM. Don't know what part of that you find hard to understand. I genuinely want to know because yes, I would find that extremely racist and find it hard to imagine as the areas where I've lived have been mixed. It sounds very 1950 deep south rather than the UK I know. Learn to read a bit more carefully, you might get to have more productive conversations.

Wow, so much aggression.