I’ve been cheated on, but it’s so much worse.

[Mumbunmum]

I’ve just found out that I’ve been cheated on by my Partner of 12 years.

We have 2 children together, a 7 year old Daughter and a 4 year old Son. We have a house together, everything together and we were due to get married in just under 11 weeks.

What’s worse is that it was with one of my best Friends and he’s been texting her, meeting her for over 6 weeks. Today is day 2 of all of this and I am crushed to pieces, I don’t know how I will ever cope. All I do know is that my heart hasn’t stopped thumping out of my chest for 2 days and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Please please help me, I honestly don’t know where to even begin and I’m trying so hard to stay strong for our two children who are just number one in all of this.

I’m so lost, hurt and I’ve been betrayed so bad that I can’t even get my head around it.

And the 3 times that they’ve gone back to her house whilst her DH has been at work, they’ve been child free whilst she’s had a babysitter…it will be a very different “relationship” once you aren’t drunk , flirting, dancing & childless.

Exactly!

I’m trying to fathom in my mind how they think this is going to be a fairytale. It’s a total shitshow, with 5 children involved and the foundations of it over 6 weeks have been built on drink and excitement - to be honest it’s quite pathetic.

It won't be a fairytale the fact that he actually thinks this is both laughable and worrying at the same time

However, I’ll be here praying that this all goes tits up and I can laugh myself silly thinking I’m such a better person.

No need for prayers. It will go tits up. They don't say that patience is a virtue for no reason.

Will reply to the rest of this post shortly, duty calls!

My DP is an amazing father and I wouldn’t take that away from him

Amazing dad's don't treat their children's mother with such disrespect and explode her life like this. Amazing dad's don't endanger their children's mother's mental, emotional and physical well-being by shagging about. You give him too much credit OP, but I get it. In the early days I couldn't make sense of what the man I love so thoroughly had done. He was a stranger to me. Please take care of yourself, surround yourself with Team You, you don't need the opinions of him or his mother, they are on his side not yours really.

Get this moved to relationships for ongoing support. You sound positive today but it will be a roller coaster. I do very much agree with the don’t trust him re finances.
He won’t want to be at his mum’s forever. If he needs cash for rental deposit or equity from your home to buy a new home he won’t hesitate to change his tune.
He’s not a good dad. Good dads don’t do that to mother of their children. He’s left them. He’s left you reeling yet still expected to care for them and explain where he is.
Now you’ve spoken I’d minimise contact down to practicalities for children and finances. Will your mum or someone help with contact so you don’t need to see him. Try and get some time to yourself - let him deal with taking kids to activities this weekend.
He sounds thoroughly delusional a few snatched moments are not basis of long term happiness but that’s not your problem. Like you said if he was unhappy he should have spoken to you and worked on things or ended relationship not had an affair.

@Mumbunmum

1. He's not a great dad is he? Great dads don't frigg off and take on someone else's children
2. Get your ducks in a row and take all you can while He's feeling a little guilty,believe me that kindness will wear off at incredible speed,8m talking in days here

3.it doesn't matter if it works out with them or not in fact they both eeem perfectly suited 4.You have a great future just waiting for you

he’s happy to cosy up with her and 3 kids under 4.

They are in a new relationship, he's on his best behaviour and presenting his best self. He can't keep that up forever. When the shine wears off and they lose the excitement of the secrecy and being close about how guilty they feel about the deceit 🙄 and it gets down to whose turn it is to clean the bathroom that "connection" will quickly wear off and they will have nothing.

Not wanting her near your children is understandable, but I wouldn't phrase it that way. Keep the emotion and her out of it and say how you feel about new partners generally for either of you. To prevent the children being exposed to a stream of new people, ask him to agree none should be introduced to the children as a bf/gf until it is an established relationship and even then they should be introduced very gradually and in a way that is best for the children.

With you all being closely connected it is obviously going to blow up in your friendship group. I’d be very mindful that not everyone is on your side and be careful of things getting back to either of them. Likewise his mother is appalled now but she’s ultimately on his side as his mum.
My gut instinct after a few weeks of him being a McDonalds type dad to your children and reality of her with 3 small children as her priority he’ll be crawling back to you saying it was pressure of wedding etc. Please stay strong. You are worth far more than this.

Op, I'm so sorry, what a horrendous situation caused by selfish and immature people.Based on my experience this can go 3 ways

1. They will get such a backlash that the limerence bubble will burst - this could take months however. He could be back pleading with you.

1. They both continue to be completely selfish and force parenting on you and her husband so that they get their time away - the children will be dropped when it suits them. Whilst it's sad for you longterm the children will know which parent cares and you'll have the stronger relationship. This happens if both affair partners are entitled and don't genuinely care for their children.

1. They try to make a go of it as a blended family (my friend had the same situation) both pretending to be perfect but the divisions will appear. Initially my friend had to tolerate OW stepping in as mum (also 5 kids between them) but after a while that stopped as OW realised she was just working extra hard whilst his life didn't change. They are still together 10 years on but it is far from happy. They go on separate holidays as blending just didn't work. Both found out that they were not "perfect for each other" and there are often loud arguments that the children hear.

I despair at the childish behaviour of these supposed adults & parents. They are incapable of living a normal family life and expect honeymoon periods to last. Utterly deluded and selfish. I'm so glad you have support, especially from his family.

Likewise his mother is appalled now but she’s ultimately on his side as his mum.

Not necessarily. She’s also a grandma. You can love the sinner and hate the sin. If he were my son I categorically wouldn’t be on his side.

@UniversalAunt and @ThumbWitchesAbroad thanks

@ivykaty44 - same bank I had that with! Will never use them again!

but it will be even harder if you go to buy petrol or food for the children and your card doesn’t work as he’s cleared the account.

That's exactly what happened to me he hadn't even had the balls to tell me! Was in the supermarket doing the weekly shop and card declined! So embarrassing and so worrying as I had pre schooler dd to feed. I barely had enough fuel in the car to get us home too (we lived at the bottom of a slope at the time and I honestly thought I might have to coast the last bit or park a few streets away!

Then even when I challenged him he initially denied and said it must be a banking cock up! The lies they feel comfortable telling are quite something.

Then that night while I was asleep he came and took the car - I thought it'd been nicked!

Where we lived at that time there were 2 buses a day - one into town and one back!

I had to borrow money from a neighbour I barely knew until my parents were able to send a postal order of enough money to last me until benefits kicked in (I was sahm when we split, LUCKILY I found a full time job fairly quickly and a nursery place for dd but the economy was doing ok at the time - not like now!) this was in days before quick bank transfers and online banking being widespread admittedly it would be easier now.

Op my ex also was full of tears and guilt initially then it was just years because he realised how much he'd messed up this was when ow pregnancy came to light

He is currently trying to make me feel like I’ve done something wrong to create problems see?

That's the guilt ALREADY starting to wear off - be careful!

Don't admit to anything and don't agree to anything legally/financially without getting independent advice

My DP is an amazing father sadly always said on threads about badly behaved men

No - amazing fathers don't cheat on the mothers, don't rip their childrens worlds and stability apart because they're led by their dicks!

it will be a very different “relationship” once you aren’t drunk , flirting, dancing & childless.

Exactly

but me and what I thought my future husband have been through in the last 8 years has been things that most people would die from

My ex and I were married 10 years together 13. He was in the army. We went through LDR inc long periods of no communication because he was deployed and comms failed, we went through shock bereavements, serious illness, miscarriage, fertility issues, debt...all sorts!

Didn't stop him being a selfish thieving arse when we split!

His Mum which is where he is staying is also completely fighting my corner saying how disgusted she is and how she’s told him he’s living in a dreamland.

My ex in laws - generally lovely - were also like this initially and even on occasion since BUT ultimately he was their son and that's who's side they were on - you CANNOT trust them

yet but this screams deflection.

Agreed

I’d be very mindful that not everyone is on your side and be careful of things getting back to either of them.

Yes be VERY VERY cautious about this the only person definitely on your side is your family.

You could very well confide in a woman that is your friend and they mention it to their partner who is his friend and the next thing he has ammo against you!

My gut instinct after a few weeks of him being a McDonalds type dad to your children and reality of her with 3 small children as her priority he’ll be crawling back to you saying it was pressure of wedding etc.

Yea I can see that happening and it'll be bullshit

the children will know which parent cares and you'll have the stronger relationship. so true

My dd and I have an amazing bond my ex will never have that with her. Sad for dd but for ex it's no more than he deserves

I've said it before, I'll say it again:
Expect and plan for the worst he can be. Chances are, he won't disappoint you - he WILL sink to a lower level than you can imagine at this point.

You don't know this man any more. He has compartmentalised you and moved on in his head. Blubbering at you is stage managing on his part, to make YOU feel sorry for HIM - and to help you believe that he is truly sorry and will do anything to make it up to you.

Nah. He won't. He'll screw you over as quickly as he screwed the OW - sorry to be blunt but your belief in him will be shattered and if you don't have full protections in place (legally binding ones!) then you could find yourself in financial difficulties.

@Graphista - your ex sounds like a true shiteweasel, I'm so sorry!

Op
I’m confused
You say all financial related stuff has been agreed and “signed”

What does this mean?

‘ Open your own sole account WITH A DIFFERENT BANKING GROUP there's a loophole I think is still in place where if you have a joint account with someone if they run up an overdraft funds can be removed from EITHER party's other accounts to cover the debt ’

Very very good point @Graphistac@ivykaty44.

My DP is an amazing father

An 'amazing' father doesn't cheat on his children's mother.

I do honestly believe he’s riddled in guilt

That's not 'guilt'. He's just sorry he got caught and his life is being upended. If he hadn't got caught he'd still be sneaking around. If he truly felt guilt, he would have already stopped.

He is currently trying to make me feel like I’ve done something wrong

Because you caught him. He can't accept the blame, so he's pushing it on you. What a coward!

I’m trying to fathom in my mind how they think this is going to be a fairytale.

You have GOT to make yourself stop this. Their future or lack thereof has nothing to do with you. You are using it to stop yourself from thinking about what your future looks like. And you do need to focus on that.

he won’t fuck me over - believe it or not I do believe him there. I know I shouldn’t because of what he’s done but that was genuinely him being a good Dad

Again, he's not a 'good dad'. 'Good dads' don't cheat. 'Good dads' if they are that unhappy sit their children's mother down and try to explain and heal the relationship, or if that is not possible, they leave before they cheat. Yes, that's still painful, but it's not the double betrayal of ending a relationship/marriage combined with the pain of being cheated on.

I have in writing now about the house and finances from him

A piece of paper means nothing unless it's a legally drawn up (with solicitors) notarized agreement. Please don't rely on a 'piece of paper'. If nothing else, take it to a solicitor and ask them if it has any legal 'force'. I'm sorry but you would be a fool to rely on 'his word' and a 'piece of paper'. You need good solid legal advice even though you aren't married. You have a house and children. You need to protect your, and your children's, interest in these. If there's talk about him 'buying you out' that can be very complicated and so easy to get screwed over.

You want to 'trust him' because, again, it allows you NOT to focus on what you need to be focusing on. And that is the 'break up' of your relationship and your household . Don't bury your head in the sand or stick fingers in your ears going 'la la la la' to close out good advice.

His Mum which is where he is staying is also completely fighting my corner

Yes, for now. But do you really think she's going to choose you over her son when it comes right down to it? Once she realizes that he will never go back to you, she's going to start focusing on the future and the grandchildren. And the best way to have a 'guaranteed' relationship with her grandchildren will be to 'take his side', or at the very least remain neutral.

@Mumbunmum I read your post about having a mutual agreement about finances.

For the sake of our MN collective sanity, please take what you have in writing along to a family law solicitor for them to review it. Take their advice, it may be the best up front money you have ever spent.

Not got it in writing?

There are many here bearing their battle scars about how the peace treaties are worth the promises they are made on. Every army has casualties from ‘friendly fire’.

His attitude to money & responsibility will soon align with the plans he & OW are now making.

NOT worth the paper…

Do not trust him
He is not your friend
He will not be looking out for your best interests.
Do not agree to anything, (Give platitudes only until you have passed this by your SHL)
Do not show your hand,
Do not tell him who you are speaking to, just stall until you have professional advice.
Fuck him & his friendly home baked agreement

Your support is second to none. Your all getting me through this!

Ive taken everything you’ve said on board. My ducks are now in a row. Thank you everyone!!!! So much!!

[quote Graphista]**@Blossomtoes* and @Whatamesssss*
aww thank you

What I actually wish is nobody went through this but unfortunately they do. Hopefully my advice (gained from not knowing better myself at the time!) will be helpful

@MistySkiesAfterRain I'm torn on the "never bad mouth the ex to the dc" cos I followed that initially to an extreme! My dd is now 21 and tells me that certain aspects of that weren't actually helpful for her

1 me saying dad does love you he's just not good at showing it - made her feel confused and unworthy of his efforts apparently

2 me bending over backwards to make sure she had as much contact as she did with dad (which still wasn't enough or regular or consistent due to his behaviour - there was only so much I could do) this meant me doing all the travel AND paying for everything which skint me! I'd have been better keeping that money to use directly on her. There came a point when

A she found out

B I could no longer do it either practically or financially

At this point the ball was very much in exes court and he didn't even pick it up! Within a year he'd completely stopped all contact with dd - I don't mean lost passively I mean stopped! Inc blocking her on sm.

With hindsight he was withdrawing from dd as soon as we split when he was a 10 min walk away, I pushed for contact and now think it would have been better for dd if I'd just let him slide out of her life she'd have forgotten him at that age. When it did happen she was a pre teen/teen and it was MUCH harder on her.

[/quote]
@Graphista In fairness I had a bit of both. My mum went for a vile hatred brand of bad mouthing and I wouldn't recommend that as its unpleasant to hear. My Dad was more neutral - he did point out the home truths and I'd say that is a good leaning to have.

It is a balance though because teens will go through phases - sometimes you just don't want to listen, sometimes you want to talk

@Mumbunmum

Your support is second to none. Your all getting me through this!

Ive taken everything you’ve said on board. My ducks are now in a row. Thank you everyone!!!! So much!!

I hope this means you have an appointment with a solicitor AND have separated any joint finances (if there are any). Also, that you have put the children's BCs and passports in a secure location.

My standard advice to a woman in a new relationship is to keep her new partner away from her kids until they are well established as a couple. This ex of yours has decided he can't live without the OW after 6 weeks and really only 3 encounters /drunken shags ? I see an awful lot of children's tears in their future unless you and the husband she has betrayed really do your utmost to keep the kids away from the toxic twosome. Make them and your financial security your priorities and stop letting him manipulate you

He sounds like a complete bastard and completely untrustworthy. You deserve so much better than this. Change the locks on the house, open a new bank account and rally support.

OP you sound incredibly strong and rather badass.

I know you are still hurting but if your posts on here are anything to go buy you will get through this storm (and get through it way better than your cheating ex!!)

I'm so glad you are seeing things clearly and kicking his arse.