I’ve been cheated on, but it’s so much worse.

[Mumbunmum]

I’ve just found out that I’ve been cheated on by my Partner of 12 years.

We have 2 children together, a 7 year old Daughter and a 4 year old Son. We have a house together, everything together and we were due to get married in just under 11 weeks.

What’s worse is that it was with one of my best Friends and he’s been texting her, meeting her for over 6 weeks. Today is day 2 of all of this and I am crushed to pieces, I don’t know how I will ever cope. All I do know is that my heart hasn’t stopped thumping out of my chest for 2 days and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Please please help me, I honestly don’t know where to even begin and I’m trying so hard to stay strong for our two children who are just number one in all of this.

I’m so lost, hurt and I’ve been betrayed so bad that I can’t even get my head around it.

You’re being so strong well done!!

Brava!!!

The whole thing is a total shitshow to be honest, I’ve never gone so long without speaking to him, on the first few days I wanted to send him huge long messages about how devastated I am. But now all I want to do is hurl abusive messages his way, however it’s pointless isn’t it.

I’ve heard through the grapevine today (which is lovely 😂) that they will be attempting to make a go of it, and believe that they will be really comparable. Had to laugh because, I mean, realistically I don’t think that’ll be possible. Deary deary me, it’s going from bad to hilarious!

That’s meant to say ** compatible

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻OP well done.

⭐️⭐️ Can’t even think of the words to say how impressed I am With how you’ve dealt with this with dignity

I saw the message that said "I wish I'd had Mumsnet in my day." I do so agree. I was pregnant when the OW, decided to send me instructions as to how to deal with the fact that "He's not happy, and you're not happy." There was a slight clue in the fact that, perhape one of the reasons that I was not happy was because I was not best pleased that you were sleeping with my husband, whilst I was pregnant with his child.... Shameless old slapper!

I am so impressed with you too 😁.

@Mumbunmum You so totally rock! And you've 'got this', you really have!

Yes, it would be pointless to send vitriolic messages. All it would do would be to justify his 'unhappiness with you' and that you cannot possibly understand 'their true connection' or whatever bullshit term they're using to justify what they've done.

Best to not add fuel to their fire. Maintain a dignified mien and satisfy yourself with a quirked eyebrow and pursed lips every so often. Oh, and a bit of eyerolling every now and again.

You are so strong OP, very inspiring honestly I don't know how you do it you deserve so much more than he could ever give you.

I also have suspicions that she's pregnant and trying to hurry her divorce because of this, I hope for your sake and her dh sake that it isn't the case as that's just sick.

I really don’t think she’s pregnant, last weekend she went out and got shiffaced with my DH at a party (again that I was unable to attend) I just think they are thinking they’re about to live the ultimate dream. Honestly I’ve got people asking me is there something mentally wrong with the pair of them!!! They’ve both started smoking too in the last week 😂😂😂

They are hoping they’re going to have weekends drinking and dancing. Whilst her kids and my kids just slot in I think. It’s highly embarrassing and weird!!!

You should organise with her ex for the pair of them to have each of your kids on alternating weekends 😉😂

@Mumbunmum, I think you really need to stop focusing on the ex, and concentrate on yourself.

Good that you have an appt for legal advice, but in the meantime, here are a few things to get you started.

1. Secure the roof over your head.
2. Do you have a job/income? If not, get one.
3. If you do not have one already, open a sole bank account.
4. Apply for tax / universal credits or benefits as appropriate.
5. CMS for child maintenance ASAP.
6. If you have joint bank accounts, apply to the bank for them to be frozen. (were you married, it would be frozen due to marital dispute). You will be liable for half of any overdraft he maxes out. He will not need your permission to take out a massive overdraft on an active joint account.
7. Ditto with joint credit cards. Freeze them, you will be liable for half. Double lives don't come cheap, you know.
8. Apply for your own sole credit card. Your credit rating will thank you.

That should get you started. Take your legal advice seriously. Do not assume that he will be friendly and helpful where finances are concerned. You need to look after yourself and your children first.

Of course, you could ignore all this, drop the kids at his new home, and start a new life foot loose and fancy free. That will bugger up their carefree plans.

No? Not your thing? Not mine either. So get focused!

Good luck.

I agree with PP, however painful it is, you need to stop focusing on him and his new relationship. It's none of your concern, and by monitoring what they are doing, you are just self harming.

Have you blocked them on SM? Tell friends you don't want to hear anything about them. Just concentrate on you and your DC. They might get married and live happily ever after - who gives a shit? That's the place you need to aim for. I do understand it's difficult, but it's for your benefit, not theirs.

@Gingembre

You should organise with her ex for the pair of them to have each of your kids on alternating weekends 😉😂

Genius 😄

This thread may seem like it’s helping you op
But I think PPs and myself are seeing that it truly isn’t

It’s just encouraging you to focus on him rather than what is actually important

Yours and your childrens focus. And in the short term - that involves a fair bit of “doing” (I speak from experience!)

Hi Everyone! I lost my log in details and for some reason it will not long me off! So irritating. So I’m just over a month on after the total shitshow. It’s been anything but easy but I’m absolutely done with who I though my partner was.

Everything has been sorted financially and the house will be going to the market soon, it’s all full steam ahead. He’s actually been living with the new woman for the 3rd week now. My children actually met her last week without me knowing (on the sly) they were told it’s his special friend. Sick I know.

I can’t wait to get this house sold and from there I can move on and forget about what he’s done to me. He repulses me and has treated me quite horrific to be honest. Especially over the last week. But my support base have been incredible and her ex DH has been beyond helpful and kind towards me.

Onwards and upwards. I will forever be grateful for all of your advice, and the one piece of advice that I would give anybody going through this, is if you think you’ve been shocked, think again, because the person you thought you knew, you truly didn’t!

Best wishes to you all in case I get logged off and locked out again!! X

So glad you got things sorted out so quickly (relatively speaking). You sound so strong and determined to get on with your life. Well done, you!

@Lunificent

You need to see a solicitor because typically cheats seem generous when they’re first found out but quickly turn very mean.

^^ This x 100. See a solicitor. Stay strong and tell him what is happening. Take control.

I’m so sorry, what a couple of shits they are.

you are amazing OP
I really hope they get their comeuppance, good luck with everything

You're doing brilliant.
My brothers wife had an affair - he found out when the blokes wife phoned him to tell him, and he checked his wife's phone.
BUT....my brother and the 'spurned wife' ended up together for 17yrs! They did split (he didn't want to commit 😳😂😳😂) but it was so amicable he was guest of honour at her wedding!

This does all seem rather rushed and 'midlife crisis' sort of thing. The reality will kick in eventually - they haven't had long to get to properly know each other, have they?
And you know what, when it goes tits up for them (and by Gods I hope it does!) you'll be there, sipping your drink of choice, laughing at the buggers. Living your best life, which is ultimately, the best revenge.