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Original poster

I’ve been cheated on, but it’s so much worse.

297 replies

Mumbunmum · 10/03/2022 06:06

I’ve just found out that I’ve been cheated on by my Partner of 12 years.

We have 2 children together, a 7 year old Daughter and a 4 year old Son. We have a house together, everything together and we were due to get married in just under 11 weeks.

What’s worse is that it was with one of my best Friends and he’s been texting her, meeting her for over 6 weeks. Today is day 2 of all of this and I am crushed to pieces, I don’t know how I will ever cope. All I do know is that my heart hasn’t stopped thumping out of my chest for 2 days and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Please please help me, I honestly don’t know where to even begin and I’m trying so hard to stay strong for our two children who are just number one in all of this.

I’m so lost, hurt and I’ve been betrayed so bad that I can’t even get my head around it.

OP posts:
GandTfortea · 10/03/2022 11:38

My advice
Is play along
100% marry him ,for security and for the children
You will be in a much stronger position separating,if you are married .
It’s possibly just cold feet over the wedding

Original poster
Mumbunmum · 10/03/2022 11:39

I feel like I’m dying inside. It’s only been 2 days but I’m mulling over in my head how he could do this.

He’s saying that he’s got a connection with her? How can that be. He’s been very open, it started with a drunken kiss.. they agreed to not tell anyone and it was a mistake but now look, 2 months down the line and they’re connected?

It’s wrong on so many levels. Do you think things will work out with them both? She has 3 children under 4 and is married by the way, to one of HIS best friends, I don’t know if I said that. I’m petrified for my Children’s future with her possibly in it.

OP posts:
Girraffe1968 · 10/03/2022 11:40

My daughters fella of 10 years beat my daughter because she found out he was seeing her best mate of 15 years. Non of em have shown any remorse I’m glad he’s gone he’s a scum bag.

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Relationship problems
GandTfortea · 10/03/2022 11:41

Is she married ,with children ?
Does her partner / husband know ?
It becomes a different ball game when they realise they have to tell the children,and it’s very near to the wedding,
Is the morgage in joint names ?

GandTfortea · 10/03/2022 11:43

Does his best friend know ?
I’d be having a chat with your dp ,and asking him how he sees this going when he’s lost his best friend and ripped apart two families,
I can’t see her telling her husband,or leaving her husband

Readytopop2022x · 10/03/2022 11:43

@Mumbunmum

I feel like I’m dying inside. It’s only been 2 days but I’m mulling over in my head how he could do this.

He’s saying that he’s got a connection with her? How can that be. He’s been very open, it started with a drunken kiss.. they agreed to not tell anyone and it was a mistake but now look, 2 months down the line and they’re connected?

It’s wrong on so many levels. Do you think things will work out with them both? She has 3 children under 4 and is married by the way, to one of HIS best friends, I don’t know if I said that. I’m petrified for my Children’s future with her possibly in it.

I can categorically say OP that it will never work out. Especially this situation. Your best friend is married to his best friend! When it comes down to it, she won't leave her Husband. After 2 months? No way!
grapewines · 10/03/2022 11:43

Do not believe a word he says about anything. Make sure that you get legal advice. He can turn around and leave you in the lurch in a second. He is not your friend or partner anymore.

GandTfortea · 10/03/2022 11:45

I still say 100% try to work it out so you get married ,it’s better for you financially to be married when you separate.
Are you on the morgage

lunar1 · 10/03/2022 11:46

Does the husband know?

Remember you don't owe these people anything, tell who you need to in your circle for support. You aren't responsible for keeping their secrets.

GandTfortea · 10/03/2022 11:47

Honestly
In my experience I can’t see them telling her husband,I really don’t think this will go anywhere,hang in there ,maybe tell him your going to tell his best mate ,if he doesn’t and see his reaction…I bet he comes to his senses and you still get married

Original poster
Mumbunmum · 10/03/2022 11:47

This is the thing… she’s already left him. Everything has come out, so many people know today. News travels fast.

She had a “chat” with her husband on Monday too and said things weren’t working out. It’s almost like they’ve hatched a plan, he’s telling me nobody was ever meant to get hurt but I keep telling him that I would so much rather he just left me if he genuinely didn’t feel that he wanted to be with me.

The people that I have told have said that him saying we have nothing in common, and that he loves me but isn’t “in love with me” and feels he could be happier apart, is just guilt and a cop out. I sound so pathetic but I’ve spent two days wondering what I could of done differently to make him want me and love me. It’s all very sudden. I’m so sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
GandTfortea · 10/03/2022 11:50

Ah ,I’m sorry op .
How did the husband take it ? Who has her children?
She’s left and gone where ?
This is a mess ,after 2 months together they are throwing everything away from long term relationships …
Where will they live together..
Start by making sure you have copies of all paper work

Readytopop2022x · 10/03/2022 11:52

@Mumbunmum

This is the thing… she’s already left him. Everything has come out, so many people know today. News travels fast.

She had a “chat” with her husband on Monday too and said things weren’t working out. It’s almost like they’ve hatched a plan, he’s telling me nobody was ever meant to get hurt but I keep telling him that I would so much rather he just left me if he genuinely didn’t feel that he wanted to be with me.

The people that I have told have said that him saying we have nothing in common, and that he loves me but isn’t “in love with me” and feels he could be happier apart, is just guilt and a cop out. I sound so pathetic but I’ve spent two days wondering what I could of done differently to make him want me and love me. It’s all very sudden. I’m so sick to my stomach.

Please do not blame yourself OP. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is a betrayal of the highest order. Even if he does have a change of heart and wants to come back, you cannot allow that. You might not ever be able to trust him again and forget what he did. You need to stay strong and hang in there for the children. Play nice for the time being until all your financials are in order then move the fuck on from him! You've got this!
Girraffe1968 · 10/03/2022 11:54

My daughters has 2 kids 11& 9 she found txts on his phone and said girl was staying at my daughters house he hit her once in public then went to her house smashed tv unplugged cctv and beat her in fount of my granddaughter who jumped in the middle of them. Also trashed her house they had to live with me because the SS got involved but she’s had her house re done and Is now happy. He’s still trying to control her she also got a non molastion order.

ArianaDumbledore · 10/03/2022 11:58

People that have affairs always wang on about how extra special their feelings for each other are. It's how they justify their deceitful behaviour and that they were powerless to resist Hmm

It's all fantasy bullshit. They're going to put everything in to fronting it out and rewriting history, but just try to disengage beyond practicalities of house and DC.

Lean on those who will support you and try not to torture yourself with the future right now.

Holothane · 10/03/2022 12:00

You poor thing those two deserve each other. Get advice huamdh9ld hugs.

teaandchocolate1 · 10/03/2022 12:01

I don't think this will work out for them.

They will soon find out the reality of being a patchwork "family" with five young children.

On top they will have major financial worries and will be constantly short of money.

No time for sweet romance.

Original poster
Mumbunmum · 10/03/2022 12:01

I know that people are thinking that it may not work with them two. But the torture for me is that I do not want her near my Children.

I cannot comprehend how he could do this to me and the children; I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 10/03/2022 12:07

I'm so sorry you're going through this, ask MN to remove this to relationships, the ladies there are really good with advice for this kind of situation, like next steps, advice, amongst other things.

Readytopop2022x · 10/03/2022 12:09

Just set clear boundaries with him when it comes to the children. She cannot be near them. And I'm sure her husband will have the same feelings regarding your partner x

Landedonfeet · 10/03/2022 12:11

Have you told work OP?
Close friends?

OhMygodddd · 10/03/2022 12:11

Her not being around your children is a separate issue and unfortunately one you don’t have a say over, it’s horrible but realistic. Concentrate on something else and don’t bring it up with them, you will add fuel to their fire….star crossed lovers who the whole world is against and all that bullshit. Don’t give them the satisfaction

mrsbitaly · 10/03/2022 12:13

Absolutely disgusting behaviour on your friend and partner.

I'm just glad you found out now and not after you have got married. People will be looking at them with disgrace for what they have done to you.

No words here are going to make you feel better as you are going through it right now but this feeling isn't forever just remember that.

tkwal · 10/03/2022 12:13

You have done very well handling this situation so far, you have been far braver than I could ever have been. Thank goodness you found out before you married him. He can't rush you into selling the house because of the children. If you don't already have one get a separate bank account and only transfer your share of bills into the joint one. If you also have joint savings, split it fairly now. See a solicitor and take their advice. I'm glad you have your Mum , she's probably the best person to vent to or cry on her shoulder when the kids aren't around

Finallylostit · 10/03/2022 12:19

OP - you re doing everything right but get legal advice asap.

The part that adds to it- is she is one of your best friends. YOu are going to lose friends over this and do not trust any of them with details of what you are doing. It takes a while for the snakes to slither out and show which side they sit on.
There will be an awful lot of lies coming from the other side justifying their behaviour.

I thought my DH was having an affair and confided in a friend from our social group. Fucking idiot move - she was the one he was shagging. Sadly you will have no say in her being involved in their lives - it bloody hurts but you do need to stay neutral on that for your children

Keep it close and you will get through this. Neither of them deserve you as a partner or friend - hold your head up and take each day as it comes.