I’ve been cheated on, but it’s so much worse.

[Mumbunmum]

I’ve just found out that I’ve been cheated on by my Partner of 12 years.

We have 2 children together, a 7 year old Daughter and a 4 year old Son. We have a house together, everything together and we were due to get married in just under 11 weeks.

What’s worse is that it was with one of my best Friends and he’s been texting her, meeting her for over 6 weeks. Today is day 2 of all of this and I am crushed to pieces, I don’t know how I will ever cope. All I do know is that my heart hasn’t stopped thumping out of my chest for 2 days and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Please please help me, I honestly don’t know where to even begin and I’m trying so hard to stay strong for our two children who are just number one in all of this.

I’m so lost, hurt and I’ve been betrayed so bad that I can’t even get my head around it.

You started the thread four days ago

You’re “sorted” on the legal stuff

I’ll bow out

I’ve seeked legal advice, I’ve been told my rights as the Mother living in our house. I’ve been reassured our deeds are 50/50 straight down the line even though we are only engaged due to the contract we signed together when we purchased our house. I also have a call back next week with a financial advisor… I’m really not sure what else I’m meant to do right now? I’ve taken all of the advice?

@Mumbunmum

In regards to the legal stuff I am very much sorted now. But that is the one thing I am struggling with talking about even on here because that’s when everything became so final , after 12 years of a life with the person. So thank you for your advice in regards to this. I am sorted in that dept.

Above, yes your correct, I suppose I am moving to the angry stages, I am beginning to realise that he’s not treated me like this in 12 years and that’s not only killing me but is enraging me.

I’m beginning to believe more and more now that by him picking all of these problems out about me, and telling me “he isn’t in love with me” was just all a huge cop out for the fact he knew he was going to get rumbled? Would we all agree. Because I’ve heard from various people that he’s saying there are now TWO SIDES TO THE STORY??????? 😂

Yes, of course he's starting to talk shit. Not because he thought he was going to get caught, they all think they're going to get away with it. But because they have to justify themselves to themselves. He had to have a 'reason' that made the cheating OK. And that reason could only be because you 'made him' cheat. It couldn't possibly be because he's simply a lying cheat, could it? Oh no, of course not!! So it has to be you. It's one of the insidious things about cheaters, they are so good at justifying themselves and then they turn the lies they've told themselves on their poor OH. And since the poor OH is totally 'flailing in the air' looking for reasons after having the rug jerked from under them, they are susceptible to believing the lies.

And it then follows that they have to justify themselves to others. Do you really think that he would be the kind to stand up in front of his friends and family and say "Yes, I'm a cheating bawbag. Mumbun has been a good partner to me and I just shit all over her life". Of course not! So, prepare yourself for the 'two sides to every story'. You are probably going to hear some nasty things about yourself that have come from him, some of them may have a 'pinch' of truth in them but they will be gross exaggerations. Like 'please pick up after yourself' will turn in to 'screamed at me if I put anything out of place'. Or 'could you please tell me if you're going to be home late" turns into 'She was so controlling, demanding to know exactly when I was coming home'. Follow me? So anyway, know your truth. Do not let this shit make you question who you are. It will be your decision whether you want to fight fire with fire or whether you want to keep a dignified silence.

Remember though that 'them that minds don't matter and them that matters don't mind' . Your true friends know who you are and will believe in you. The rest don't deserve your time. And you don't owe ANYONE an explanation.

And keep that anger coming

@implantreplace yea I don't think op means everything is settled legally/financially but that she has noted our advice and is progressing in applying it as and when she can.

Do you really think that he would be the kind to stand up in front of his friends and family and say "Yes, I'm a cheating bawbag. Mumbun has been a good partner to me and I just shit all over her life".

Haha just love the wording here!

It's true

My ex tried (note TRIED) claiming that I had ALWAYS been too hard to be with - for 13 years!

Most of it was total shite!

When he tried telling his closest female friend (aside from ow I mean, this was a friend who shared interest in same music) that I had supposedly "always" been "the jealous type and I got to a point I thought I may as well do what she was thinking" (total bullshit!) she turned around and said "if Graph had "always" been the jealous type she wouldn't have been ok with all the concert trips we went on sharing hotel rooms and everything! You're talking out your arse!"

She then rang me and said "you get me in the divorce! Don't care if you want me or not after the shite he just waffled"

She and I are still friends nearly 20 years later! Despite her dodgy music taste

Also don't be fooled by him into thinking "his" people are on his side/believe him either!

I learned later (from reliable sources)

That ow family barely have anything to do with him - even now.

That his parents absolutely went through him - not just once! For MONTHS after the split, every time he moaned about the divorce, the hassle, how much it was costing him, that he was missing dd (ha! As if!) etc apparently his parents and siblings were just giving it "should've kept your dick in your pants then eh!" "Made your bed! You gotta lie in it" etc apparently that 1st Christmas after was basically "exes families cheaters bingo game"

Remember though that 'them that minds don't matter and them that matters don't mind'

One of my favourite sayings

So, prepare yourself for the 'two sides to every story'

"Yes it's true, there are two sides to the story. I was at home minding the kids, he was out fucking my friend". That should clears things up for the "two siders".

Sending you a handhold OP, you're doing great.

@Mumbunmum You are fabulous.
Keep on keeping on!

It is good you have seen a lawyer.

I can't help you with the emotions, but he will try to screw you over. Do not let him. You cannot trust him.

Your goal now is to protect your children's home and needs.

@Mumbunmum - it's good that you have the house sorted, and that you've had legal advice about staying in it, and I'm REALLY sorry to keep harping but if you have money in that joint account, and you haven't already done this, get it out NOW and put it somewhere else [different bank]. Change direct debits if you need to (and are able to) but safeguard your money.

You say you've no trust in him now - take that to the nth degree. Assume the worst at every turn. You no longer know this man, he no longer cares about you.

The message probably doesn't mean he is missing you, to be honest - it's just him realising that you might not be the soft pushover he thought you would be, so he's making an effort to "keep you sweet" before he does something else completely heinous (like empty the joint account).

When mine fucked off, he called me one Friday and made it sound like he was missing me, thought he'd made a mistake etc blah blah - I was going to a friend's for the weekend and made the enormous mistake of believing any of his shite! - but when I called him on the Monday to see what was going to happen, he was fully back into the new relationship and it was like a bucket of ice water going all over me.

Momentary doubts get sat on VERY quickly in their heads - along with any feelings of guilt - because, as I said, they REALLY don't like to be made to feel uncomfortable. So at its best, that message is to reassure himself that you're not suffering, so he doesn't feel guilty; and at worst, it's hugely manipulative to make you think he still gives any kind of shit about you.

And yeah - now you've read the Cheater's Script, you can watch it all play out. They all think they're sooooo original, yet they all stick to it.

I agree with the nonsense of "two sides to every story" - again, that's just him telling people his re-written version of events to make himself look better. Anyone who believes his shite isn't worth bothering your head about. You truly find out who your real friends are at this point, and that can be hurtful too - sometimes it's the most surprising people, ooh, like your best "friend", for example - but also you might be surprised about who stays in your corner. Beware of male people staying in your corner though - a percentage of them will be thinking "opportunity!" - best avoided.

Morning everybody.

Another morning of a clear head.

Unbelievably I’ve now found out that the day that I find out about the cheating, they went for coffee and lunch to talk everything through, last night whilst all of the children between us were with their other parent they met for dinner. It’s quite pathetic to me that my vile (DP) thinks that I should be okay with just going with the flow now? It’s really shown to me that he really is not the person I thought he was atall. They’re going full steam ahead 100mph so it’s bound to crash. Fingers crossed anyway.

I have come to the conclusion though, that I WILL be okay, and I will have days that I think I can’t do it, boy I’ve been there and done that! But I will go through this, I’ll take my time, with baby steps and I will push through. I felt very depressed and low on Monday but today I feel like I’ve … I suppose, checked out? I don’t feel ridiculously bothered about the situation and now I just feel like he’s a selfish pig with no thoughts for anybody but himself.

I would like to thank you , every single one of you for your support. You’ve pushed me through some days where I’ve felt like I have almost crumbled.
Please know that even though I’m a total stranger to you, you’ve all played a really big part in helping me get through this last week. It means more than you’ll ever know. ♥️

I just want to send my support to you. You can do this!

Any message from him such as having a good day and etc. is him trying to make his own life easier and possibly so he has something to show the courts.

My ex buggered off with an OW. It was all rainbows and roses at the beginning and I had a front row seat to that. I withdrew at the first chance I had because while they were united against me, they had something in common. I took that away from them. It was all the influence I had. Within nine months they fell apart but the damage they had done was appalling. Her DH found someone new and so did I. My ex had another similar affair and again that fizzled. It's like the early stages were interesting to him but the real life stuff like kids, mortgages, insurance and appointments were not part of the fairytale and thus had to be left to someone else! He went on to have a full blown midlife crisis to a laughable degree. I just quietly observed and smiled to myself, glad that I was out of that shitshow.

Morning Mumbunmum

Just wanted to say how well you are doing.

You seem so very level headed and yes you WILL be fine.

Keep posting, we do know some days are tougher than others.

You are doing so well and should be incredibly proud of yourself!

You got this.

Warning though, be really for other really bad days ahead. The whole process is so up and down and unpredictable. Wishing you so much luck over the coming weeks and months.

You're doing great

There will be ups and downs, don't let the downs take hold they won't last.

Hardest day for me was when I got my decree, even though I had started the divorce. By that time it had been a few years and I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did as I thought I was "over it" by then

My friend reminded me that I had never wanted to split that it had only come about because of his cheating and I was reacting to that. She was right of course. She was also a divorcee but had married v young and they'd grown apart she'd fallen out of love with him and also started the divorce but admitted she also found it hard when she got her decree because "nobody marries planning to divorce"

Be kind to yourself on those days - but don't wallow in them for too long. Pick yourself up dust yourself off and get on with whatever you need to do.

You are doing so great. You really should be so proud of yourself, you have had a terrible time.

Just think about your amazing future you have ahead of you without him, you deserve so much better than that. I just know when you do meet Mr Right you will see he is so much better - and hopefully hung like a donkey 😁.

Get yourself a new dress, get your face on and get yourself out this weekend with a friend xxx

Thank you so much.

I think that I do feel I’m over the worst shock now, now it’s turning to anger. I’m starting to get mad that he’s done this too me and the children.

We are trying to arrange days for him to have the children to stick to a routine and I said your more than welcome to have them Friday or Saturday night for a fun sleepover (at their Nans because that’s where he is) and he said “I’m out Friday and Saturday night” so he can hardly say I’m the one being awkward about them. I’m keeping it all. Every last message.

I feel embarrassed, for the pair of them, believing their going to ride into the sunset and it’s all going to work out. The shock of reality I’m beginning to realise will far outweigh their 5 mins of excitement!! 😂😂

What an absolute disgrace he is as a father.
The children will know they have been discarded for his new conquest soon enough.

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👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗well done hang in there. L keep going.

Father of The Year award goes to...oh sorry I mean Prat of The Year. Those children are so lucky that they have such a strong mother who is there for them. Keep going, you are doing a great job. Remember, he doesn't get to set the terms.

‘… 5 mins of excitement!!’

Is that all he can manage?

tsk, tsk, tsk

So his children come second to his new relationship already, and it's only been a week? Typical.

Insist he has them EOW, from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. He has to do his share. Too bad if he wants to go out every weekend. he's a parent.

@Mumbunmum

Thank you so much.

I think that I do feel I’m over the worst shock now, now it’s turning to anger. I’m starting to get mad that he’s done this too me and the children.

We are trying to arrange days for him to have the children to stick to a routine and I said your more than welcome to have them Friday or Saturday night for a fun sleepover (at their Nans because that’s where he is) and he said “I’m out Friday and Saturday night” so he can hardly say I’m the one being awkward about them. I’m keeping it all. Every last message.

I feel embarrassed, for the pair of them, believing their going to ride into the sunset and it’s all going to work out. The shock of reality I’m beginning to realise will far outweigh their 5 mins of excitement!! 😂😂

This does not surprise me one bit. And you're right to say "Oh well, then" and just let it drop. Let him be the one to initiate access and you to decide if it 'works' for you. Although I have a feeling once his mother realizes she won't be seeing her DGC unless HE has scheduled access, she'll probably kick up a fuss with him. At this point I wouldn't facilitate his mother seeing them unless it was on 'HIS time'.

He's out both nights at the weekend so he doesn't give a stuff about the kids does he?

This is what my ex was like too.

Yes to be fair he SHOULD be having them equivalent to half of weekends, unfortunately I think you're going to have to accept that he's likely to just not bother.

Another thread I'm on the mother is despairing at the dad making zero effort. You can't make them be good involved parents unfortunately- believe me I tried!

Anger is good op, anger is motivational and easier to bear than grief.

But as with grief you will go through stages and not necessarily in a linear manner. As with grief you can have anger one day depression another then back to anger etc

All very normal - as is bargaining! That's the tricky one that's the one where you're more likely to be tempted to do the pick me dance - don't!