I’ve been cheated on, but it’s so much worse.

[Mumbunmum]

I’ve just found out that I’ve been cheated on by my Partner of 12 years.

We have 2 children together, a 7 year old Daughter and a 4 year old Son. We have a house together, everything together and we were due to get married in just under 11 weeks.

What’s worse is that it was with one of my best Friends and he’s been texting her, meeting her for over 6 weeks. Today is day 2 of all of this and I am crushed to pieces, I don’t know how I will ever cope. All I do know is that my heart hasn’t stopped thumping out of my chest for 2 days and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Please please help me, I honestly don’t know where to even begin and I’m trying so hard to stay strong for our two children who are just number one in all of this.

I’m so lost, hurt and I’ve been betrayed so bad that I can’t even get my head around it.

It’s impossible to imagine a happy life when yours is upside down, but one day this will just be a distant memory.

Re their relationship - It rarely lasts. One of them will likely cheat. It usually plays out that they spilt up within 12 months and he tries to come back to you. But by then you will have moved on. Stay strong OP

Been there op but not a best friend but I thought a good one

I know you don't want to deal with stuff but I'm afraid there are certain things you really MUST Deal with asap

1 close the joint account! My ex within DAYS of everything coming out emptied the joint accounts and left me up shit creek! Do not risk being in that predicament (and I didn't think he'd ever do that and neither did his own family! Do NOT assume he will play fair at all!)

Open your own sole account WITH A DIFFERENT BANKING GROUP there's a loophole I think is still in place where if you have a joint account with someone if they run up an overdraft funds can be removed from EITHER party's other accounts to cover the debt

2 secure any other valuables inc official documentation for you and dc - my ex also one eve when he knew I'd be out went back to marital home and took valuables inc family heirlooms of mine and the computer

3 cancel the wedding vendors asap - the longer you leave this the more likely you are to lose deposits etc (I used to work in this industry - after my own divorce weirdly)

4 get a claim with cms started NOW because they only backdate to date of CLAIM not when you split and the sooner you start this the better. That said don't depend on cm it's poorly enforced in this country

5 get legal/financial advice asap

6 sorry about this one genuinely - but get a full Sti screening asap. I was LUCKY and despite him not practicing safer sex there were no issues but I know of others in real life and on here who weren't so lucky and early dx and treatment is important

6 as much as possible keep all communication in writing or at least confirmed in writing for evidence of what was said

Regarding taking care of yourself:

Sleep wherever and whenever you can, I couldn't face sleeping in the marital bed for the 1st few months, and slept on the sofa. I didn't really admit it to myself at first and left myself uncomfortable and cold sleeping just on a cushion with a throw initially. Then I thought "this is daft" acknowledged I wasn't up to sleeping in the bed yet and sorted a proper pillow and a quilt and was much more comfy and slept better.

When I'm stressed I don't eat I can't cope with it. Gp at the time made what seemed an odd suggestion but actually made sense - slim fast/nutrisip type drinks. They not only have enough cals but they're also fortified with all the vitamins etc you need. She also prescribed iron supplements for me. So I basically lived on those, sometimes soup with the occasional slice of toast for a while - better than nothing

Don't beat yourself up or set time limits on yourself - it'll take as long as it takes for you to start to feel like yourself again.

What he's saying and you've discovered and it sounds like what she's said to her husband etc is very much "cheaters script"!

I wish I'd known about mn back then my exes behaviour would have been identified much earlier on!

Mentionitis
Possessive with phone
Suddenly "working late" when previously he'd been a clock watcher
Rewriting history
Blaming me for our relationship not being like honeymoon period!
Claiming he'd not been happy for years (bullshit!)
Denying the affair (despite a baby being conceived!)

It really is quite something! And astonishing how many of them follow the script even though I don't think they discuss with other men/cheaters

You WILL get through this - you'll have days/times when you don't think you will but you will

I understand what you're saying about not wanting the children around her, unfortunately you don't get a say in this so as soon as possible you need to get your head around that - it's hard!

In my case she had babysat dd and knew her well so it was easier from that pov but emotionally for me it was rough!

DO NOT trust the in laws, mine were generally lovely but ultimately he is their blood not you

Don't tell them ANYTHING you wouldn't want him knowing immediately

He will promise all sorts at this stage yep - it doesn't last long! DAYS in my case op DAYS!

Don't believe the marketing - my ex and his ow are now married with 6 kids of their own. However they tried to convince me all was rosy, then over the years I have learned from mutual friends and even ex in laws have let things slip that they are in fact miserable together! She won't leave cos she's afraid he'll screw her and her kids over the same as he did me and dd, he's a serial cheat who won't leave either

I felt awful when I was believing he was being a better husband and father with her than he had been with me. My mum kept telling me people don't change and not that much that fast and not permanently - she was so right! She obviously has more life experience than me and although she hasn't been divorced herself many of her friends and family have and she's supported them through similar situations and was reminding me of some of them which I knew of. I still struggled to believe it.

Then a few things worked their way back to my ears, the whole situation really culminated in the DAY before THEIR wedding - he propositioned me! Honestly! I mean Wtf!! That was the point at which I knew all was not as they were trying to portray it! Even so I learned even more after that inc former sister in law letting slip things like he questioned the paternity of their eldest, that he almost left her for HER oldest friend at one point...

But that's really down the road

For now - get the money and legalities sorted asap! You WILL kick yourself later if you don't

Oh yea - also if you are now eligible for benefits now he's left you need to claim them asap too, same as cm goes from date of claim.

When I read that you'd left the house I was horrified and I'm so glad you moved back in. I really agree with those who have said that after the initial guilt and tears men like him have a habit of turning mean so please get legal advice about the house and your joint account ASAP. Do not do what I did years ago and put off sorting out your finances, it will cost you if you do and now is a time to put yourself and your DCs first. I also agree with those who have said it's better now than after you were married. It may seem that it's the worst of times now but you will get through it by concentrating on the DCs and being kind to yourself. Wishing you all the best.

People that cheat like this with friends are just the lowest of the low, you just don’t go there do you? Morals in the gutter. They will never be happy as they’ll know they are never ‘safe’, and relationships that start this way, always end this way.

I have never understood how anyone with a young family could betray their own children like that! In order to have an affair that means spending any downtime away from the kids. It shows a complete lack of empathy towards the impact and suffering that infidelity causes. No one can answer whether things will work out for the two of them, but bear in mind that if they do move in together and your husband gets joint custody, between having her children and then your own visiting, they will never have a weekend or any downtime alone together. Five children under the age of seven means that they will be in for a baptism of fire and it won't be pretty. So no, I actually think that it probably won't work. What you do need to focus on right now is bringing your anxiety levels right down and eating properly. Do you have the Calm App on your phone or tablet? Could you download it? There are really good short breathing exercises for emergency panic/emotional crisis. They also do good sleep stories which can help get you off to sleep or help comfort you if you wake up feeling overwhelmed in the night. I have an eye mask with built in blue tooth speakers (from Amazon) which really helps as I can drift off to sleep at night listening to a sleep story. I recently went through a family crisis and was also in a state of upset and shock/couldn't eat or sleep etc and that helped me. The other thing that helped was a hot shower before bedtime, a hot water bottle at night and an extra blanket, because I felt cold due to the shock of it all. Make sure you are getting enough fluids and even though you have no appetite, have some bananas or cereal bars at hand, including next to your bed at night. Also, find an easy book to read an get into bed early to help your body relax. Consider also seeing the doctor for some short term anxiety relief if needed. Can your mother come to stay? Just take it one day at a time. Focus on doing what you can to try and relax, even if only for a few minutes at a time. In a few weeks time you'll start to process things more and then you can start taking small steps to untangle your future. Xx

Read Graphista’s post over and over again and act on her advice @Mumbunmum. She’s a very wise woman.

Graphista’s post is excellent advice. First you really need to look after yourself. Can you try peppermint or camomile tea? Peppermint should make you feel less sick and camomile should help calm you down. Even if you only drink water, please keep yourself hydrated.

It's irrelevant but I know you are hurting so I'll say that it is unlikely it will be a bed of roses for them. They've had the excitement of their secret but now they will have to face reality. You and his best friend have been deceive. He has 3 of his own dc and 4 of hers to juggle. It will be a freaking nightmare. They will have little time for cozy get together. Just whatever you do, sure you your finances. He WILL turn nasty

What I fear the most is that my poor children will suffer at the lack of respect he’s paid to us 3. I cannot believe that he’s done this to them mainly.

As daughter of a mum who had an affair

1. They need a stable loving home, it doesn't matter whether that is 1 or 2 homes
2. One parent should never bad mouth the other in front of them, because this is very conflicting for them.
3. Honesty and openness is important. This is what happened and when and this is why it was wrong. The difficult thing is one parents account will never match the others. Always give a consistent account. This is why keeping records also helps as memory fades.
4. Repeat number 2.
5. They will come to their own opinions.
6. Its not what you would wish for them but it is a lesson in what not to do (their dads behaviour).
7. Repeat number 2. but know that when they become adults, they 'get it' more. So when it bears down on you remember there will be a day in the future when you will be able to laugh with them in relief about what an absolute plonker he was.

I have paranoia worrying that he will rush me to sell our house and this morning we’ve spoken and he promises that he will not leave me in the lurch. I do actually believe him there. He said the account will stay joint and we will work through each step.

I am so so sorry to hear this has happened to you. You will be devastated and in shock for a good while yet.

One massive word of caution regarding your above statement: I truly hope he keeps his word but I have heard of men behaving appallingly once they've run off with someone else. I fear you'll have another major devastation if he does get nasty about money and the house so please keep a realistic expectation of how this may turn out in the future (his guilt will be doing the talking now -- in the future it may well be the other woman calling the shots).

Again, so sorry for what you're going through 💐💐💐

@Blossomtoes and @Whatamesssss
aww thank you

What I actually wish is nobody went through this but unfortunately they do. Hopefully my advice (gained from not knowing better myself at the time!) will be helpful

@MistySkiesAfterRain I'm torn on the "never bad mouth the ex to the dc" cos I followed that initially to an extreme! My dd is now 21 and tells me that certain aspects of that weren't actually helpful for her

1 me saying dad does love you he's just not good at showing it - made her feel confused and unworthy of his efforts apparently

2 me bending over backwards to make sure she had as much contact as she did with dad (which still wasn't enough or regular or consistent due to his behaviour - there was only so much I could do) this meant me doing all the travel AND paying for everything which skint me! I'd have been better keeping that money to use directly on her. There came a point when

A she found out

B I could no longer do it either practically or financially

At this point the ball was very much in exes court and he didn't even pick it up! Within a year he'd completely stopped all contact with dd - I don't mean lost passively I mean stopped! Inc blocking her on sm.

With hindsight he was withdrawing from dd as soon as we split when he was a 10 min walk away, I pushed for contact and now think it would have been better for dd if I'd just let him slide out of her life she'd have forgotten him at that age. When it did happen she was a pre teen/teen and it was MUCH harder on her.

TY @FlowerArranger & agree about ChumpLady.

Blisteringly good post @Graphista.

Sound advice on here about creature comforts, cosy duvets, hot water bottles (wrapped in fluffy towels feels like a hug) & easy nutritious food & snacks - the nutri/Ensure type drinks are a good idea & bananas for sweet treat, nutrition & fibre. Ultimate comfort food - banana & heated up posh ready made custard, easy to do any time day or night.

Oh yes, camomile tea.
Smells like cat’s pee at first but that soon passes.
Very calming, helps with sleep & brilliant for period pains.

note to self: get back on the camomile, put iPad down & get some sleep!

More good stuff @Graphista.

I recognise the situation with your DD & her father, & have seen this repeated in families many times since. You made a good point about not distorting yourself to facilitate or prop up a shaky relationship between father & child is important because the relationship is between them, it is not a triangle.

Even in the best of father/child relationships, a time will come the child’s ‘rejects’ the father as they becomes more independent & gains autonomy.

Yes to not slagging off or slating the absent parent. No matter how much the adults fall out, the child still loves & needs the love of that absent parent, particularly if the split is recent & raw. Rubbishing the absent parent degrades the child’s sense of self that belongs or is attached to that parent.

It can be hard but keeping a neutral & honest stance about the wretched Ex is a better strategy.

Open your own sole account WITH A DIFFERENT BANKING GROUP there's a loophole I think is still in place where if you have a joint account with someone if they run up an overdraft funds can be removed from EITHER party's other accounts to cover the debt

Such good advise

Llyods allowed my dad to remove £500 from my sole account as we also had a joint account

I’ve got two accounts h knows about one told him it was for Christmas both virtually empty at the moment everything has gone wrong financially but it will get better. He moaned like hell doesn’t know about the other.

Oh lovely lady I am so sorry.It is perfectly normal to be so numb as you have had a real shock, However you need to get angry,Being angry is going to be very productive for you, the fact that he has looked you and your children in the eyes and decieved you all,how could he? How could he put his dick before your children? You need to think this way I am not saying that to hurt you but to motivate you,To open your eyes, Every single commentor is right you now need to push past being hurt and protect you and your kids,Get home change the locks sort the finances out.Have no contact with him or anyone else except your own family.Let them look after you then you can have time to grieve. This man has shit on your children he has purposely hurt them without a care in the world.This is not a man who you need to be reasonable with ,certainly not one you can depend on to do as he says,He wouldnt know truth if he fell over it,You have to protect you and your kids and take the stance of not believing he will do as he says he will.He wont I promise you. I am sorry I dont mean to upset you further you and your children do not deserve any of this. I am really sorry. I wish you strength.He will regret this I know he will,He will look like an idiot to all who know him,He will look like a father who failed his kids and a man who purposely caused all this heartbreak,He has to live with that,The man who is a cheater,never to be trusted,the man who destroyed a home with a loving partner and their children in it, He has to live with that shame of everyone knowing what kind of person he really is and he deserves it. He will never ever know a minutes peace again especially with this woman as if she can do this and he can do this what trust wil there ever be? They are fucked before they start with each other, You will get through this I promise you. You and your children will form such a team,such a bond he will have no idea,Take care and I send you a hug and best wishes, Let him and her rot they are not worth your tears,thoughts or time.

"I have paranoia worrying that he will rush me to sell our house and this morning we’ve spoken and he promises that he will not leave me in the lurch. I do actually believe him there. He said the account will stay joint and we will work through each step."

I missed this from your OP.

This will NOT happen - in very short order (days to a few weeks) he will change his mind totally.
Currently it's the guilt talking - soon he will have got rid of all his guilt, and then he "won't see why" he can't take "what is his" and empty the account, or at least take some/most of it.

You MUST take action on this and get there first - you MUST take what is owed to you before it's too late. While it's a joint account, he can take it all and leave you with nothing - and believe me, most of them will do this.

He has to look at finding somewhere else to live, probably with your ex "friend" - that will cost money, and your joint account will be his first port of call.

Close that door.

If you can, do it TODAY. I know the inability to eat, the nausea and sickness, the wanting to lay down and, if not actually die, at least pretend the world isn't there. But you have 2 children to protect as well as yourself, so PLEASE focus on what they need (home, money) and get this sorted ASAP.

I'm going to agree with Graphista here too - I don't think it's the right thing to protect your kids entirely from their father's behaviours.

I think it's important to ensure that the kids know it's NOTHING to do with them, and that anything that IS said is age appropriate - but I don't believe in allowing them to think he's done nothing wrong either, because then they're left wondering what the hell happened - if they didn't do anything, and he didn't do anything, then the only person left to blame is Mum.

I do agree that they shouldn't be exposed to vitriol about him - but explaining that his behaviour has been bad/wrong etc. at an age appropriate level is better than pretending he's fine.

We have an adopted family member whose mother abandoned them at an early age - we've had to do the same with that situation - ensure that the family member knows it was nothing to do with them and everything to do with the inability of their mother to do the right thing by them.

You sound like you have good support in your mum. Don’t be afraid to use it. People genuinely want to help you, don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t be embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong.
You have had excellent advice re getting legal advice and financials protected. I know it seems easier not to face it but it will be even harder if you go to buy petrol or food for the children and your card doesn’t work as he’s cleared the account.

I am so sorry OP

Oh OP I’m so sorry

Hi everyone.

The last few hours have been so mind clearing.

I do honestly believe he’s riddled in guilt, we met back at our house last night and I told him he was to come clean to me about absolutely everything. He was blubbering like a baby 99.9% of the time and I was letting rip into him about how I’m feeling. I didn’t hold back and I do believe I needed to see him to finalise all of this.

He’s been very open (which is more than can be said for the last 2 months) but with the fact that they both feel like they’ve got so much in common, and he feels that I am not calm, and she is. I opened up a can of worms last night, because my curiosity got the better of me, and I began researching affairs and cheaters, it turns out that it’s very rare for one to last due to how the relationship started. He is currently trying to make me feel like I’ve done something wrong to create problems which is why he’s chased excitement and happiness.

My DP is an amazing father and I wouldn’t take that away from him, but I cannot honestly wrap my head around the fact that he can’t even listen to our Daughter playing a keyboard without wanting to put ear plugs in but he’s happy to cosy up with her and 3 kids under 4.

This morning my head is even clearer than yesterday, and today I’m thinking that what they think they know about each-other now is shocking. They’ve met at 4 events where they’ve both been seriously drunk 1 that I attended too…. And the 3 times that they’ve gone back to her house whilst her DH has been at work, they’ve been child free whilst she’s had a babysitter…it will be a very different “relationship” once you aren’t drunk , flirting, dancing & childless.

I know that a lot of you will think that I sound like I’m dwelling on worrying about their future together but to be honest, I’m trying to fathom in my mind how they think this is going to be a fairytale. It’s a total shitshow, with 5 children involved and the foundations of it over 6 weeks have been built on drink and excitement - to be honest it’s quite pathetic.

He’s also told me that he feels right now he would be unable to ever cut her out of his life, so that told me all I need to know. However, I’ll be here praying that this all goes tits up and I can laugh myself silly thinking I’m such a better person.

I’m telling you, Google is my best friend at the moment, the more I read, the clearer I am!!!

In regards to finances and all of that jargon we will be being civil, I don’t wish to go into great detail about that but me and what I thought my future husband have been through in the last 8 years has been things that most people would die from. He openly admitted to be last night that due to the intensity of what we’ve been through and what it actually is, he won’t fuck me over - believe it or not I do believe him there. I know I shouldn’t because of what he’s done but that was genuinely him being a good Dad. I have in writing now about the house and finances from him, I have all of the paperwork I need and I don’t feel I need to rush anything this second in regards to that.

His Mum which is where he is staying is also completely fighting my corner saying how disgusted she is and how she’s told him he’s living in a dreamland.

Today the news has got out, people know and are messaging me. The storm is coming, but I have an umbrella…. He has nothing.

He is currently trying to make me feel like I’ve done something wrong to create problems which is why he’s chased excitement and happiness.

Haven't even read your entire post yet but this screams deflection. Don't fall for it. Will continue reading now ...

My DP is an amazing father and I wouldn’t take that away from him, but I cannot honestly wrap my head around the fact that he can’t even listen to our Daughter playing a keyboard without wanting to put ear plugs in but he’s happy to cosy up with her and 3 kids under 4.

Yup. Another red flag 🚩🚩🚩