I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

That’s horrendous, I can see how the idea could pop into someone’s head but a bit of thought shows you how awful it is

You are absolutely not wrong - nor does it take another bereaved parent to realise that.

I'm so sorry the email you got was so passive aggressive :(

I'd go back with something like 'it's unfortunate you felt uncomfortable about my reaction" - making it clear you have nothing to apologise for.

It's a both condescending and insulting to bereaved parents to think they can replicate the pain of the loss of a child and its disgusting that they should try.

Why would anyone sponsor someone to be away from their child for 24 hours anyway? Its a rubbish idea for more than just the fact it is incredibly insensitive.

I cant believe it. The message came probably a couple of hours after the idea so they have had time to think, hear my objections and still think it's a good idea.

If they go ahead with this plan I think the local community will have something to say, and I think I'll have to leave as well

There idea show a complete lack of empathy to anyone who has had a child die. If anyone on the receiving end of the result of the funding knew how the funding was raised, they would be appalled and it could negate some small comfort the equipment might have given.

I can’t even comprehend your feelings, I am so sorry ? I am sure someone more articulate will come allow and give a better non emotional response. YANBU thought!

It's both a ridiculous idea and extremely insensitive. I'd be horrified at causing upset to you if I were the spokesperson, not trying to imply you've been over sensitive yourself.

It's really not appropriate to do this as a fundraiser with such a sensitive subject. If there is even the smallest risk that this could cause distress to anyone bereaved, they need to rethink and find another activity. A cake sale or something which isn't connected.

I'm so sorry you're having to explain this.

You're not wrong. I'm not a bereaved parent either. It's a bizarre idea. I'm sure a lot of parents are away from their children for that time for normal mundane reasons (shared custody, just have a night away etc) why on earth would I sponsor anyone for it?
And then there's the fact it's insensitive. I hope maybe once they have thought about it a bit more they would realise..

Oh I'm so sorry.
It's an awful idea and you are completely right to have pointed that out.

In terms of a non-emotional message... I suppose just point out that although well intentioned, you fear it could be offensive and attract a negative reaction.
I think it is easier to get points across in writing, than speaking.
Also, maybe suggest a couple of alternative fund raising ideas (not that you should have to, but it might make them more likely to drop the original idea).

I am actually astounded that so many people thought it was a good idea tbh! And even more shocking that they STILL think it's appropriate even after you pointed out how insensitive it is.

Jeez Louise, that's horrendous. I started to think about what to write back, but honestly, if they won't accept that it's massively inappropriate, gross and offensive even after being told so in strong terms by a bereaved parent...and then tried to make it sound like your problem...what can you say except to distance yourself from the lot of them?
Not very helpful I realise, but no, you're definitely not wrong OP, and sorry for how you must be feeling.

OP first of all I am sorry for your loss, secondly to have to listen to that rubbish. What a horrible insensitive idea. I agree with previous poster who suggested apologizing if your reaction ad a bereaved parent made them uncomfortable. You believe that this reaction would be shared by other grieving parents and the general community. While their fundraising enthusiasm is coming from a good place , this idea and the logistics is tone deaf and inappropriate. In a way it's comparing not seeing your children for a day versus bereaved parents. Shocking idea.

OP, I too have lost a child. This is absolutely horrendous. Appropriating someone's grief. Playing make believe with another parent's tragedy. Deeply insensitive.

I would suggest they consult with a bereavement charity such as Compassionate Friends and ask them to advise whether their suggested action is appropriate.

I can’t think of a word to do justice to how utterly repugnant this idea is. It’s horrifying

You aren't wrong in any way, shape or form.

And I think the message from the spokesperson sounds incredibly passive aggressive.

This is not only incredibly insensitive but also likely to cause a lot of negative publicity for the fundraisers, the recipients of the funds etc.

Is it a formal meeting format? If so I'd definitely table a motion of no confidence in the chair/spokesperson.

If less formal I'd resign at the next meeting, and write a few lines to read out at the meeting explaining exactly why.

I'm not doubting you by any means but this can't be real, I've never heard such a completely ridiculous stupid idea if you can call it that.for you and sorry for your loss

Thanks, I didn't think it was just me being too emotional.

I guess I can see where the idea came from initially, but it should have been just as quickly dismissed.

We do things like raise money for pirate themed play equipment so we would have a sponsored pirate pub crawl (not an actual example) so I sort of see why not having your child in your arms anymore so have sponsored time away from your kid to raise money may pop up but WTF.

I just keep trying to say it's not a good idea and being unable to explain why properly without bringing my own experience into it. I think it's because of my own experience that they think I'm just being emotional.

I might message some of the ones who were quiet and see what they think and try and get someone who agrees with me.

Bloody hell!!! This is a horrible idea. Shame on them. How inconsiderate and downright ridiculous.

I'd respond and reiterate why it's a bad idea, and tell them they're free to do whatever they like but you won't be playing a part in it.

Disgusting behaviour on their part.

I would say something like,

My reaction tonight was a true insight to the potential reaction of the people we are raising money for if they were to hear about this campaign. It is not appropriate. It is offensive and it should not go ahead. We need to continue to brainstorm different ideas.

That is a truly awful idea.

In terms of response can you step back a little bit and suggest that they run the idea past the hospital ?

Maybe using their own words to say that the strength of your reaction is likely to be mirrored by other bereaved parents and so it would be worth talking it over with the hospital pr team.

Not that you should have to soften the message but that would give them a way to change without losing face....

You’re not wrong and you have nothing to apologise for! They forgive you? Fuck off. They should be begging for your forgiveness for their horrific suggestion.

Oh my goodness. This is a horrible horrible insensitive idea. Cruel, even. Staggeringly thoughtless.

Tell them to sense test the idea with a neutral party, but bloody hell. Poor you to have had to be the one who told them.

Oh no that’s awful. I’m an emotional bull in a china shop kind of woman and even I can see that’s just a terribly insensitive idea.

Im so sorry for your loss op. What a bunch of insensitive oafs those people are. I hope the hospital squashes the idea so nobody else gets hurt.

'Dear volunteering group. The fundraising idea you have suggested suggests that being separated from your living child for a brief, finite period of time is somehow analogous to being separated from that child forever due to their death. As a bereaved parent I am appalled at quite how tone deaf this suggestion is, and implore you to consider other options for fundraising in this instance.'

I'm so sorry OP

Just to say, I appreciate the above suggestion is incredibly emotive in itself and I'm sorry for that.

Also, I understand wanting to have fundraising that reflects the charity but surely the focus should be on “spending time together as a family” not “pretending our children have died”

Its not really a formal group as such.

We got together as our kids were all part of the same group and we raised money for something they needed and because we did such a good job another member of the fundraisers asked us to help out with something for a school a few months later and so it went on and raised a fair bit locally over the last 6 or 7 years.

If I wasn't there myself I would definitely say it wasn't real, I wish it wasn't. I think that's why I didn't object initially, I was shocked and didn't believe my own ears and then didn't know how to respond.

Maybe it would be a good idea to get a charity involved, I still have some people at SANDS I talk to. Maybe they could articulate it better than me.