I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

I'm so sorry PP (I won't tag) I have just reported and asked for a trigger warning to be added. I usually do on sensitive subjects and in my shock at all this I totally forgot. I apologise sincerely

I'd say that it mocks the loss of those parents by making the absence of a child seem trivial and mimicking child loss as an 'event' makes their loss a pantomime.

@endofthelinefinally

OP, I too have lost a child. This is absolutely horrendous. Appropriating someone's grief. Playing make believe with another parent's tragedy. Deeply insensitive.

I would suggest they consult with a bereavement charity such as Compassionate Friends and ask them to advise whether their suggested action is appropriate.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think you have expressed really well here why this is a terrible idea.

OP - hopefully one of them is on MN and will see this thread

@saraclara

My reaction tonight was a true insight to the potential reaction of the people we are raising money for if they were to hear about this campaign. It is not appropriate. It is offensive and it should not go ahead. We need to continue to brainstorm different ideas.

I think that is the perfect response. It's extremely clear and unemotional, and that first sentence is especially good at explaining concisely, just why it's a terrible idea.

Yes I agree.

Even if it weren't gobsmackingly hurtful and insensitive, very few people will be able to take part in the fundraiser, they'll spend more in childcare then they'll raise

@Namechanged4obvreasons

I cant believe it. The message came probably a couple of hours after the idea so they have had time to think, hear my objections and still think it's a good idea.

If they go ahead with this plan I think the local community will have something to say, and I think I'll have to leave as well

I think you're right, if they go ahead there will be a wide ranging negative reaction from the wider community, which ultimately fold the group.

Only you know if you can continue to work with them in future, but I don't think anyone would blame you if you stepped away from the group. Your opinions of them all must have changed now surely? Particularly after the patronising "forgiveness" of your quite valid anger and emotion!

I’m so shocked by this actually, it shows a complete lack of emotional intelligence. And I hope one of them does see this thread.

Ugh. Wow, not in a good way.

So having a night away is akin to a dead child? OP, ask the committee to explain how that works.

You don’t have to say anything.

Their ‘reasoning’ is so extreme that it’s up to them, not you.

Anything this mad always feels hard to rebut. In this case, all the values and experiences are so different that to compare them would be bizarre.

Bizarre is difficult to articulate.

Sympathies. I would leave them to it. 💐

I think it might need repeating to them very slowly.

'So, your idea to link into a cooled cot so a mother can spend a few more hours with her child before they are taken away is for all of you to be sponsored to have a child free day and night in a hotel?

Really? To highlight the fact that some women will never get to hold their babies again, you're going to ask people to sponsor you for a mini break away from your children?

You're asking people to sponsor you to have a day off? A holiday?'

And if you are able to say it absolutely bluntly;

'You are going to say in public 'We want people to pay us to take a day's holiday because it'll be just like having a dead baby'?'

It’s a terrible idea. And I’m not a mother, bereaved or otherwise.
I think I would say something along the lines of ….

I’m sorry if you were shocked by my reaction, but I have to say I’m very surprised, given the hugely sensitive nature of the support our charity seeks to give, that anyone should think the idea was a good one.
Itmsyhave been borne from good intentions, but I fear it trivialises how dreadful childhood bereavement is, and will not encourage people to support our cause.
I would ask you all to think again, and consider how this will play out among the community if you choose to go ahead.
I cannot and will not align myself to the fund raising effort if it does not change course.

At the moment I don't really want to talk to the main instigators again.

I started the thread in absolute shock and am processing what's happened as I'm reading the responses, I've probably changed my mind about 100 times already.

All I'm definitely sure of at this point is that whether I'm involved or not this particular plan can't go ahead and that my response will be written because I will probably cry again if I try to talk about it to their faces.

I also want to apologise again about the lack of trigger warning, in my rush to talk about my own shock I forgot to add one in to save someone else feeling the same way, and I'm truly devastated that I've upset another bereaved parent through my own thoughtlessness. I have, and I think others have, asked for one to be added now.

I agrree with you, it's a horrific idea.
The concept that them being away from their child in any way gives them an insight into what losing your child permanently would feel like is disgusting.

As a pp pointed out, it's like the "one night of sleeping out" supposedly giving people an insight into what it's like to be homeless - of course it bloody doesn't!

I like the idea of contacting the bodies involved directly with bereaved parents - SANDS and the hospital - hopefully they can react with equal shock and horror and knock the idea on the head while the rest of the group are still capable of listening to sense!

I'm appalled for you, and for all the other bereaved parents on this thread

Horrendous experience OP. I'm so sorry.

an Agenda management pre financial allocation meeting might help.

Its one of the most crass insensitive bonkers idea I have ever heard. They must be idiots.

Absolutely agree with everyone else, and so sorry you've had to deal with this insensitivity. I would add that you only need one person on social media to find it upsetting/offensive to sink the whole fundraising event. For such a sensitive issue you need to tread extra carefully.

@endofthelinefinally

OP, I too have lost a child. This is absolutely horrendous. Appropriating someone's grief. Playing make believe with another parent's tragedy. Deeply insensitive.

I would suggest they consult with a bereavement charity such as Compassionate Friends and ask them to advise whether their suggested action is appropriate.

OP - the above is what you need to message them. The PP has hit the nail on the head. Grotesque appropriation. Absolutely vile.

I wonder, if asked to raise money for a multi ethnic event, they’d have suggested blacking up and experiencing 24 hours as a person of colour? I’m thinking not.

I am so sorry for your loss Namechanges4obviousreasons . I am also shocked that a fundraising group wanting to raise money for bereaved parents would not want to be be as sensitive as possible when fundraising. The message to you came across as quite insensitive, implying that you were upset because of the topic, not because of their bad idea.

When replying, you have already pointed out the insensitivity of using a temporary separation to replicate what it's like to be bereaved. It would also be good to highlight the impracticalities. Few people have the social networks that would allow them to take 24 hours out of their lives to be sponsored. Would it even create the right response? Wouldn't some people make joke about wanting 24 hours away from childcare too if they were asked to sponsor someone?

I think I'd also start my reply saying I was pleased to be part of a group that realised the importance of this equipment but that because of my experience I know it is a more challenging campaign than eg buying equipment for a play centre.

I think I've written this a bit like a draft reply so I've tried to underplay the shock element but I am really shocked that they got carried away with enthusiasm for such a bad idea.

Just send them all a link to this thread!

I'm so sorry, @Namechanged4obvreasons. This is so disturbing and inappropriate. The idea, the very idea, makes me a feel a bit sick. So awful to be appropriating the grief of a mother in this way - it is making a mockery in the worst possible way. I so hope they sleep on it and come to their senses, if they have any empathy at all.

I'm so sorry for your loss; it is an unbearable grief that you carry with you.

@2018SoFarSoGreat

I'm so sorry, *@Namechanged4obvreasons*. This is so disturbing and inappropriate. The idea, the very idea, makes me a feel a bit sick. So awful to be appropriating the grief of a mother in this way - it is making a mockery in the worst possible way. I so hope they sleep on it and come to their senses, if they have any empathy at all.

I'm so sorry for your loss; it is an unbearable grief that you carry with you.

Hear hear. I’m fortunate to not have suffered this loss and it makes me feel sick as well. Why are some people so DUMB?

"We will give up our cuddles so you can have yours"

I seriously do not know how you didn’t punch whoever said that. It is absolutely appalling, and that person should never be in the same room as a bereaved person.

Would they suggest a game of blind man’s buff to fundraise for RNIB? A sponsored hop for amputees? It sounds like actually they would, and the people they are actually fundraising for are secondary to their need to lark about and show off. Horrible people.

I'm so sorry for anyone who has suffered such a dreadful loss. I thought the fundraising idea was appalling. I didn't know what a cuddle cot is so I googled it. Now I feel totally outraged.

Email everyone on the fundraising group the link to this thread.

They want to raise money to help bereaved parents by trying to play at being bereaved? How would they raise money for breast cancer, a sponsored "hazelnut down your bra for a day"?

@Namechanged4obvreasons
I'm appalled that such a grotesque thing could be suggested.
A day's sponsored 'Separation' from children is absolutely bloody insensitive and ghastly.

Like having a ''Sponsored fast'' for a day for Famine struck Nations, it's entitles and grossly insensitive.

I'm so sorry you had to listen to such a suggestion as a Bereaved parent.

They are being utterly unreasonable.

So sorry for your Loss.

@CourtRand

I'd say that it mocks the loss of those parents by making the absence of a child seem trivial and mimicking child loss as an 'event' makes their loss a pantomime.

This. It is exactly what it is like.

My lovely In Laws suffered Child Bereavement, and never of course got over their terrible Loss.

To have someone mimicking a 'Separation' is actually sick~making in it's insensitivity.

This has to be one of the worst ideas ever as a fund raiser.

'I definitely won't be participating in the event because it is offensive to bereaved parents. If my response yesterday seemed inappropriate, it was only in proportion to the inappropriateness of this idea.

Drawing a comparison between voluntarily giving up a night with your living child(ren) and holding the body of your dead baby is cruel and triggering.

I strongly urge you to reconsider this idea.'

I'm so sorry you've experienced this OP.

It is a truly horrible idea and you are absolutely right to say so.