I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

They sound totally mad and insensitive. YANBU.

Sorry for your loss

It's dire , l can't believe they are being so crass, condescending and insensitive . What planet are they on ? You are wholeheartedly in the right here OP , they don't have a leg to stand on .

I'm the same, I couldn't articulate it at all.

I had a million words I my head and I opened my mouth and started crying.

I still can't quite articulate it, thankfully some lovely posters have given me some things to write that don't involve the words 'insensitive cunts' as that will no doubt lead them to think I'm just emotional and sensitive.

Now I'm thinking about it more the idea that they are using this as an excuse for a jolly is almost certainly part of the thinking behind this, a few weeks ago one said something about going away and another said her husband wouldn't like it. I hope that's a coincidence, they are usually all really nice, if a little opinionated, but then I wouldn't have thought this situation would be on the cards before tonight either. Maybe I'm just looking for reasons that don't involved a complete bypass of all human emotion.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐❤️

l meant to add but posted before l could write how sorry l am to hear of your loss , please accept my sincere condolences bless you

If I was a bereaved parent I would find it deeply hurtful for someone to 'appropriate' my pain & seem to play at having a go as a bereaved parent.

Particularly when anyone doing it knows full well they get to go back to their living child who they never doubted was fine & would still be there being fine.

It really is a bit like rubbing your nose in the fact they CAN do that when you are in a world of pain that you won't get to go home to your child ever again.

Deeply distasteful & if they go ahead they'll probably find it is seen as intentionally cruel to mock the loss of a child in this way.

Wow. You are not wrong

I completely agree with you, its dreadful

Would suggesting a sponsored cuddle a loved one help?

Sharing love is so important for everyone, so we are fundraising for a cuddle cot by giving extra hugs to everyone we love. Help us raise xxx by sharing love.

You are not wrong.

Absolutely fucking terrible idea. How frustrating being among a group of insensitive people who cannot see how wrong it is.

It is comparable to say, raising money for amputees by strapping your leg or arm up for the day so that you can’t use it.

Or the blind by wearing a blue fold for the day. So utterly patronising.

Surely to God they will see sense but yes I’m sure we will all be thinking of a cold, calm written response.

Which by the way you written your post OP I’m sure will do more than capably yourself once you’ve got over the shock.

Particularly when anyone doing it knows full well they get to go back to their living child who they never doubted was fine & would still be there being fine

This.

It’s the finality of death .. the idea of imitating it is just urgh

What a horrific idea. I can’t believe anyone is this tone deaf.

Just awful

I wonder could you text someone on the group who could be an ally? And then maybe they could deliver the message - to save you anymore headspace on this. My assumption is a bereaved parent would wonder why the fuck anyone would give up even a single cuddle with their child.

@MsChatterbox

I would say something like,

My reaction tonight was a true insight to the potential reaction of the people we are raising money for if they were to hear about this campaign. It is not appropriate. It is offensive and it should not go ahead. We need to continue to brainstorm different ideas.

This. Be clear and unapologetic.

Omg that quote is appalling!!

The hospital won't associate themselves with such a crass and insensitive approach however much they might need the cot, I'm sure.

Do not apologise for your reaction as some pp have said. I have heard too many bereaved parents make allowances and exceptions for the uncomfortable feelings of others who have never had a child die. It sounds like they needed the full force of your grief and wrath and still haven't learnt from it.

So sorry about your child

It's ridiculous. And perhaps they should stop trying to "team with the theme" because I'm sure they'll blunder into plenty more insensitive stunts that way.

I'm guessing some of them fancy a break from the kids and this is their excuse.

PLEASE CAN SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO ASK to put a trigger warning on this. i started reading this not knowing what what the subject matter would be. i am also a bereaved parent and now i am in tears. i wouldnt have clicked on it if i had known it was about this.

So their fundraising idea is basically “Sponsor us mums to have a night off parenting” but dressed up in really offensive language to bereaved parents? FML. Nope.

——
Dear fundraiser

As you couldn’t fail to notice, as you’ve mentioned in your email, last night’s discussions over fundraising for bereaved parents hit a nerve. I’m aware I behaved with a strength of emotion that might have seemed inappropriate, but unless you’ve been in the position of a bereaved parent you cannot understand just how devastating I found the conversation.

One of the most insensitive things anyone can say to a bereaved parent, even with the best and most genuine of intentions, is “I know how you feel”. No one does, unless their own child has died too. It’s not something that can - not should - be in any way replicated.

The fundraising suggestion that as a group of mothers we ask for sponsorship for what is effectively a night out is grossly insensitive to bereaved parents and totally inappropriate. It’s not comparable to “sleeping on the streets for Shelter” - there’s no element of the proposed scenario that is at all comparable to your child dying.

I won’t be returning to the fundraising group, but I strongly advise you to seek the advice of the bereavement team at the hospital and to get in touch with SANDS, who will also be able to guide you on this.

Yours,
———

I’m so sorry you had to go through that @ Namechanged4obvreasons.

for the pain it has dredged up. I know about loss. x

I did try a few times to write a response, but I kept veering off into describing what it's like to have your child die, I cant seem to write how awful an idea it is without describing what it's like, and I'm not sure that I want them to know my personal pain to that depth given how insensitive they have proved themselves to be.

We are all friendly, but most of us aren't friends as such so I think tonight was the first they heard about my child.

I hope while I'm sleeping on it, they will too, and will wake up tomorrow horrified and apologetic, that's the only way I can see things getting back to normal with us all.

I've got some good ideas of what to write, I'm definitely contacting SANDS and the maternity unit, and am 50/50 on sending them this thread. I'll decide tomorrow if I am. It is a distinct possibility that one will see it which will save me a job. I've always suspected one of them of being a closet MNer.

A sponsored cuddle a loved one is a much better idea, if we get sorted I'll suggest that, I wish I had that in my head earlier, I think the quieter members would have spoken up in agreement of that, which is much easier than standing up to a bad idea I guess.

@izzywizzywont I’m so sorry.

How awful

Oh lord, that is one of the most stupid, insensitive, tone deaf fundraising ideas I have ever heard.

These people completely lack empathy or any understanding of what it's like to be in someone else's shoes.

Fair play to you for speaking up. It sounds like others agree with you but remained silent. How dare someone even thing that loss of a children and 24 hours away from theirs are even remotely comparable.

I suspect a lot of people will take on board what you have said and it will never happen.

@izzywizzywont

PLEASE CAN SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO ASK to put a trigger warning on this. i started reading this not knowing what what the subject matter would be. i am also a bereaved parent and now i am in tears. i wouldnt have clicked on it if i had known it was about this.

I’ve reported your post so that MNHQ pick it up to add a trigger warning to the title. If you report your post too (click on 3 dots) then they’ll see it. I’m really sorry for your loss, and to all the other bereaved parents reading this.

My reaction tonight was a true insight to the potential reaction of the people we are raising money for if they were to hear about this campaign. It is not appropriate. It is offensive and it should not go ahead. We need to continue to brainstorm different ideas.

I think that is the perfect response. It's extremely clear and unemotional, and that first sentence is especially good at explaining concisely, just why it's a terrible idea.

Yanbu xxx