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Original poster

I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

401 replies

Namechanged4obvreasons · 02/03/2022 22:06

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 02/03/2022 22:30

It’s an awful idea. You are right.

Timetobuckup · 02/03/2022 22:31

Maybe ask them if they would like to choose hymns and poems as well ?
Maybe design a coffin ?
Choose which one of their children's outfits they will be buried in and Maybe they could raffle off the favourite?

All just as crass as the 24 hour nonsense. Do they really think that will give them any insight ?

Also what is the oractical plan of that ? Sensing kids to grandparents or all of you having a jolly in a hotel ?

Obira · 02/03/2022 22:33

How awful. I take it they haven’t asked the children in question how they feel about being separated from their parent for absolutely no reason.

Timetobuckup · 02/03/2022 22:33

Sorry for the typos. Too cross to check first.

Lovemylittlebear · 02/03/2022 22:33

Fucking stupid idea!!!

MargotEmin · 02/03/2022 22:34

Apart from explaining why this is hurtful to actual bereaved parents might it get through to them more if you explain it is a major reputationak risk to your group?

I'm involved with a small charity and we wouldn't touch a fundraising group with a barge pole if we thought they might do something so grossly distasteful in our name.

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 02/03/2022 22:34

I'm sorry for your loss @Namechanged4obvreasons and that you had to be placed in that position.
I think I would reply.
Thank you for your email and I'm sorry if my reaction and emotions made people feel uncomfortable. However I cannot agree with the proposed idea. It is insensitive and I am concerned not only for the impact on the families for this project but for future fundraising projects if this idea is picked up in the local paper. Many other people within our community will feel that whilst the intention to raise money is good the idea of a sponsored 24 hrs away from a child to raise money for bereaved families is wholly inappropriate and insensitive. We as a group have raised a significant amount of money previously and I am sure that on reflection the group members can suggest something less upsetting to raise money. Can we pit this on hold and discuss this further at the next meeting

Original poster
Namechanged4obvreasons · 02/03/2022 22:35

I suppose the post is outing anyway if one of them is on here so I can be more specific. We are going to raise money for a cuddle cot for the maternity department so they actually said "we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours".

Even writing that makes me feel sick. I think I'm going to have to go all out to make them see it's a bad idea and leave. It doesn't help that I'm just a few days before the anniversary of my child's death.

I actually hope one of them is on here, I may even send it to the group, I see that bandied about on MN all the time and usually think it's a horrible idea, but on this case it may be a very good idea.

OP posts:
Wnkingawalrus · 02/03/2022 22:35

I guess I can see where the idea came from initially, but it should have been just as quickly dismissed

Yes exactly. It’s ever so slightly similar to the fundraising that Centerpoint do when people sleep out on the streets for the night to raise money for the homeless charity.

Only it’s also completely different and quite honestly one of the oddest suggestions I’ve heard.

Im so sorry for your loss OP and that you’ve had to deal with these insensitive nob heads.

MargotEmin · 02/03/2022 22:36

Maybe ask them if they would like to choose hymns and poems as well ?
Maybe design a coffin ?
Choose which one of their children's outfits they will be buried in and Maybe they could raffle off the favourite?

I agree, their suggestion is very much in keeping with these (disgusting) ideas and I wouldn't be shy telling them so.

AppleFairy · 02/03/2022 22:36

This is shocking and I’m not surprised you had the reaction you did Flowers

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 02/03/2022 22:37

Sorry for typos and lack of commas/punctuation. I think the use of hurtful and distasteful by pp would be well used here

heywhatswrongwitu · 02/03/2022 22:37

@Namechanged4obvreasons

I suppose the post is outing anyway if one of them is on here so I can be more specific. We are going to raise money for a cuddle cot for the maternity department so they actually said "we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours".

Even writing that makes me feel sick. I think I'm going to have to go all out to make them see it's a bad idea and leave. It doesn't help that I'm just a few days before the anniversary of my child's death.

I actually hope one of them is on here, I may even send it to the group, I see that bandied about on MN all the time and usually think it's a horrible idea, but on this case it may be a very good idea.

That quote is obscene, I'm so sorry you had to witness that.

I've used and been thankful for a cuddle cot for my baby - and cannot believe the insensitivity displayed by these people.

PinchOfVom · 02/03/2022 22:38

@Namechanged4obvreasons

I suppose the post is outing anyway if one of them is on here so I can be more specific. We are going to raise money for a cuddle cot for the maternity department so they actually said "we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours".

Even writing that makes me feel sick. I think I'm going to have to go all out to make them see it's a bad idea and leave. It doesn't help that I'm just a few days before the anniversary of my child's death.

I actually hope one of them is on here, I may even send it to the group, I see that bandied about on MN all the time and usually think it's a horrible idea, but on this case it may be a very good idea.

That actually makes me feel sick and I have no experience of this type of tragedy OP

I am so sorry Flowers

Littlepaws18 · 02/03/2022 22:38

I would contact the hospital directly and explain to them their plan. The hospital are not going to want their reputation put into question during fund raising and will probably tell them to rethink their plans. You have spoken and they ignored you so next step is go above their heads.

Who in their right mind thought this was a empathetic way of raising money!

goingpearshaped · 02/03/2022 22:38

Wow. I too am a bereaved parent and think that is just awful. What are they thinking? Shows such a complete lack of understanding.

SunshinePie · 02/03/2022 22:39

Omg Shock that’s horrific!

SunshinePie · 02/03/2022 22:40

Let me get this right…they think taking a baby or toddler away from their mother…to get money from people…is a good idea???

BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 22:42

I would maybe get in contact with a child bereavement charity and ask them to provide a paragraph outlining why this is completely unacceptable?

To be honest, I abhor any charity drive that tries to do an empathetic fundraising stunt. Sleeping out all night for the homeless, shaving hair for cancer, going a day without food etc. They are usually completely tone deaf and quite offensive. But this goes way beyond those examples and there is a real risk they end up making themselves look very, very insensitive and foolish.

There is no good way to do this using an empathy angle. They shouldn’t even try.

Littlepaws18 · 02/03/2022 22:42

Just read your last post- we give up our cuddles?!! How sanctimonious of them! It's an absolutely disgusting plan to think they can even consider being away from their children for 24 hours even close to the torment of loosing a child. It's insanity and utter ignorance under the pretence of being charitable.

Original poster
Namechanged4obvreasons · 02/03/2022 22:44

Thank you all for getting my head a bit clearer.

I'm not going to do anything tonight now.

Tomorrow I'll contact the person in the maternity department and SANDS and maybe get them to write an email about this being a bad, to put it lightly, plan.

I'm not going to do anything irrational tonight, but I'll have a sleep on it and I think I'll leave the group tomorrow.

I cant know for certain, but I think I'm the only bereaved parent in the group, looking back I think the ones being quiet maybe agreed with me though, there are maybe 4 or 5 of the members who are very forthright with opinions and all back each other up and I think they were really only ones talking.

I don't think I could stand to look at them again tbh.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 22:44

I would contact the hospital directly and explain to them their plan. The hospital are not going to want their reputation put into question during fund raising and will probably tell them to rethink their plans. You have spoken and they ignored you so next step is go above their heads.

Yep. This might work too.

And yes to sharing this post with them too.

ChudraWouldaShouldya · 02/03/2022 22:46

I actually have no words.

That quote is horrific.

I’m sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Rrrob · 02/03/2022 22:47

Bereaved mum here. What a fucking horrendous idea. I would have more than lost my cool with the insensitive idiot who suggested it. Perhaps the group needs some training from sands on what it’s like to go through the death of a child?

Original poster
Namechanged4obvreasons · 02/03/2022 22:49

To be honest, I abhor any charity drive that tries to do an empathetic fundraising stunt. Sleeping out all night for the homeless, shaving hair for cancer, going a day without food etc.

This is why it's so odd, this isn't the sort of thing we normally do at all, we try and theme the events but we've never done the whole shave our heads and pretend we understand the devastation it causes for cancer patients or slept on the street so we can say we know how it feels. It's more like arranging a party with a theme or doing a themed bingo night type thing.

I've no idea where we are supposed to go, or even if they are planning a night away and just thought they could tell their partners they are doing an event so they are on duty for 24 hours.

I genuinely feel as though I'm in shock.

OP posts:
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