I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

People like madame point taken generally have the hide of a rhino, she's more likely to be feeling utterly disgusted thatyouve ruined her lovely, thoughtful idea.

And if she does ever see this :

It is an absolutely horrendous idea and I can't believe people sat by and let her get away with it.

I have used cuddle cots with two of my three children. The feeling of putting your cold, dead baby down in a mortuary and walking away knowing the next time you see them it will either be in a coffin or a jar of ashes is the stuff nightmares are made of.

You wrap them up in a blanket, kiss them, Tey to envelop them in your love and show them just how desperately wanted and adored they are, and then you leave them and break your heart every day for the rest of your life. It is not the same as having a night off from your kids, which is performative bullshit and I'm embarrassed for you.

You don't get a night off from grieving your babies.

Sadly I think too many people are like the people in this group. They are fund raising because it makes them feel good, they like the comradery and the social aspect, even possibly the moral high ground and so as a result the actual objective and the people they are trying to help becomes lost. Hence why hurtful ideas like this happen.

The world needs volunteers, fundraisers- it's a great noble way to spend your time- but the people you are fundraising for shouldn't be lost, it's not all about you.

Potentially be perceived

Even now she still won't accept that it is a really bloody awful idea.

It isn't "potentially perceived as" disgustingly tone deaf and very hurtful.

It is!

Is she incapable of saying I was wrong and I am sorry?

Speaking generally now because obviously I don't know her but there's a certain type of jolly hockey sticks I wanna be group leader type who if faced with this would certainly be all I was right. It was a good idea. I'm not going to accept people who've actually lost children telling me how it would feel! Maybe they might think it's not right that's all. I'm here to get my picture in the paper and be told how amazing I am. I don't want actual bereaved parents sticking their beaks in. 🙄

Hopefully PT will come to realise that when you are involved in a group raising funds to help people in a specific situation, you listen to those people because they come first. It's about them.

@endofthelinefinally - your post made me cry - I'm so sorry for your loss, and for everyone else on here who has experienced a similar loss.

I am glad that "point taken" has at least taken the point and this enormously crass idea has been taken off the table - I think it's very telling that they have not only not had the grace to apologise appropriately, but have also now blocked you, @Namechanged4obvreasons. Some people just can't handle being told that they're wrong - seems like "point taken" is one of them.

I'm in Australia and a small charity was set up among our local schools where we had cupcake sales to raise money for our local children's oncology unit, thanks to the family of one child who was undergoing treatment there for leukaemia. Each school had their own sale within a certain month, and then the profits were given to the charity co-ordinator who paid the money to the oncology unit.
It was, prior to covid, an annual event that we did - could you consider maybe doing something like that instead? I'd totally understand if you didn't want to get involved in any charitable fundraising again after this - but if you did, I offer you this idea, which worked very well for our local community.

Well done OP.

If any other members of the group are still here you KNOW what should be done. Rather than lose the brave OP from the group who stood up for grieving families everywhere, you ought to oust 'point taken'. Any other action makes you as bad as she is.

OP your reaction was entirely understandable and appropriate, and the fundraising idea was very ill considered, to put it mildly.

I’m glad you have persuaded the committee otherwise and I’m delighted to see other people donating on the back of you raising awareness.

I don’t like the pile on to “point taken” person, and feel this has taken a bullying turn by others on this thread.

Perhaps she didn’t type more because she didn’t have the words, and was worried about causing more offence. Perhaps she was going to speak to OP in person next time they met up. We don’t know the answers, and I don’t think we should cyber demonise a person for poor handling of a situation.

OP made her point very forcefully in the meeting and has been very powerful and brave throughout this thread. I think the pile on needs to stop now.

I don’t like the pile on to “point taken” person, and feel this has taken a bullying turn by others on this thread.

Perhaps she didn’t type more because she didn’t have the words, and was worried about causing more offence. Perhaps she was going to speak to OP in person next time they met up. We don’t know the answers, and I don’t think we should cyber demonise a person for poor handling of a situation.

Yes. We should learn from the graciousness that OP has displayed.

@saraclara

I don’t like the pile on to “point taken” person, and feel this has taken a bullying turn by others on this thread.

Perhaps she didn’t type more because she didn’t have the words, and was worried about causing more offence. Perhaps she was going to speak to OP in person next time they met up. We don’t know the answers, and I don’t think we should cyber demonise a person for poor handling of a situation.

Yes. We should learn from the graciousness that OP has displayed.

I agree.

I also agree that Point Taken has come in for a bit of a pounding. But I can understand why. Because - if ever there was a "point" worth "taking" - it is that however many cuddles you get, there are never enough, because you always, always ALWAYS want just one more. And that's the one more that you can never have.

Framing that against the context of a 24-hour separation 'to see what it's like' and raise funds/awareness is just... well, it's already been put more eloquently than I could.

Thank you for the link to the charity, OP, I will be happy to send them a few quid.

Every good wish to you all. xx

I think, while I agree that "point taken" has come in for a bashing, her graciousness (or lack thereof) has been fully demonstrated by her blocking the OP.

That doesn't mean she deserves some of the comments here which would be considered personal attacks if directed at a poster.

Definitely not a ‘challenge’ that relates well to this in terms of raising the money. Literally anything else would have been better; 5km run/bungee jump/give up chocolate for a month. I’m not surprised you were upset.

@SoupDragon

That doesn't mean she deserves some of the comments here which would be considered personal attacks if directed at a poster.

But I didn't say that it did.

What I meant was that some people are trying to excuse "point taken" for her curt response, because they're looking to find the best in her - which all seems a bit unlikely since she blocked the OP without apology.

Yes a couple of pages back I was thinking “I’m glad Mumsnet is anonymous”. So that once this is blown over, Ms point taken can forget about it all and move on. I mean I hope she’s learned something from it, but we don’t need another broken person in the world.

I’d point people towards the documentary’15 Mi utes of Shame’ which demonstrates that people’s lives can be ruined because of one mistake.

Namechanged, in your place, I think I would give the local fundraising group a miss. You can still do charitable things without being a part of it; they sound like an insensitive lot to me.

I think people are angry with Point Taken as she has made no attempt to show any acknowledgement of the legitimacy of OPs response, or any compassion.

I can understand a bad idea being put out during a brainstorming session. But when OP,, who has lived the experience of the people the fundraising is for, showed such a distressed response, that was when PT had an opportunity to reflect and draw back. Despite having time to think about it after the meeting, she instead decided it was still a great idea and dismissed OP as having a one off reaction peculiar to her that she needed to be forgiven for.

Even when faced with a thread of people agreeing how insensitive and painful that fundraising would be, she still could not show any compassion in her response to OP.

So I guess people have got angry in face of that uncompassionate intransigence.

I have no doubt that Point Taken is still reading. Perhaps they might unblock OP just long enough to thank her for being more gracious and classy than most would be in very carefully giving away no details about her location, lest PT’s employer and friends learn about their performative grief tourism.

Just wanted to give a little update on this, and thank everyone for their help once again. If it wasn't for the wisdom of MN things wouldn't be where they are at this point, I definitely wouldn't be.

Point taken and a few others left the group shortly after this kicked off, I was asked to come back, which I have, with the understanding that things are restructured so it isn't just a few loud people that decide everything, so we have a fairer system now, and, even better, this weekend we reached more than our target and the hospital is now able to purchase more than 1 cuddle cot, they are going to help far too many families, but I'm delighted that those families will have the option to stay with their children a little longer.

We haven't got anything else planned, but I'll be sending thank you emails to all the members, including those who left, and I hope once our next fundraiser is underway and we have established the new way of doing things that some, or all, of the others may return, we, collectively, did a lot of good, and its a shame things went so wrong this time around. I'm hoping that we can put it behind us and move forward.

Anyway I just thought I would share the good news, and thank you all again

Great update, and you are really a good human. Well done, in every respect.

Fucking hell that's horrendously ill thought out and I'm amazed that they didn't immediately think better of the idea when you became upset.

I mean I can't see the hospital really wanting that headline. 'Utterly selfless parents spend 24 hours away from their healthy, living children so others can spend more time with their deceased children'. It's a bit nauseating really.

Also for those lucky enough to have healthy kids, 24 hours without them is a bloody break, not an ordeal to be sponsored for. I'd sponsor myself to spend even 12hrs without toddler DD frankly, I'm not sponsoring some other fucker to have a child free break.

Sorry I didn't RTFT, delighted you've managed to raise the money and things have been restructured within the group.

Thank you so much for the update. And good to hear that money was still raised for this cause.

Lovely to hear your update!

we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours
This gets worse and worse. These people must be some of the most insensitive idiots on the planet. So sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Great update. You have handled this painful situation in a very thoughtful way.