I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

@Neenawneenaw76

Just send them all a link to this thread!

Yeah, I was thinking that too...

@Namechanged4obvreasons

At the moment I don't really want to talk to the main instigators again.

I started the thread in absolute shock and am processing what's happened as I'm reading the responses, I've probably changed my mind about 100 times already.

All I'm definitely sure of at this point is that whether I'm involved or not this particular plan can't go ahead and that my response will be written because I will probably cry again if I try to talk about it to their faces.

I also want to apologise again about the lack of trigger warning, in my rush to talk about my own shock I forgot to add one in to save someone else feeling the same way, and I'm truly devastated that I've upset another bereaved parent through my own thoughtlessness. I have, and I think others have, asked for one to be added now.

It's dreadful from the point of view you've already stated (and I'm so sorry for your loss) It's also not a particularly bright idea for the children. Why should they be apart from their parent for this 'event'? Some might not cope or understand.

They are fools and I hope more are having second thoughts.

It is the most insensitive idea and absolutely horrendous. What a horrific link/comparison to even suggest. Maybe edit the question in this post and even add a voting poll and show them the response from strangers.
I think maybe making picture frames( for memories) and selling these would be a lot more considerate or making pretty pretty memory boxes.
God I am sorry you even have to be part of that discussion OP. I think most people were just agreeing to have an excuse for getting a night away from their kids

It’s just an absolutely disgusting idea from the perspective of mirroring a bereavement, but as a busy mum who has never suffered the loss of a child, if someone came to me with this for fundraising I’d suggest !how about instead you pay me for 24 hours break from my dc? Just kidding this is a terrible idea and you should be ashamed.’
‘'You are going to say in public 'We want people to pay us to take a day's holiday because it'll be just like having a dead baby'?' this sums it up

I really am horrified at the mere suggestion of this

Fucking hell that is an utterly dreadful idea. The host sounds like a dick. She "forgives" you for being emotional? She can get to fuck with that attitude, you didn't do anything wrong!

Honestly op the shitty idea was one thing, but how it has been handled is an absolute disgrace, I just couldn't go back after that.

They don't deserve someone as caring as you.

I am not a bereaved parent but I feel sick about that cuddles comment. Having a 24 break from your presumably healthy child is not comparable with a parent staying goodbye to a stillborn baby. I find it hard to believe there were 19 people who thought it was a good idea. Even having the insensitivity of bricks, I thought that the 19 might reconsider having heard from an actual bereaved parent and be ashamed of their crass behaviour.

I would respond to them and then have nothing to do with any of them. I am sure there are other groups who would appreciate your help and input.

So sorry for your loss OP, I cannot imagine what you have been through. How about something like….

Dear …

Thank you for your message. I understand the teams want to fund raise in relation to what is being produced. However, in this situation it is completely inappropriate. There is no way that the sheer loss and devastation felt by the death of a your own child can be emulated. Attempting to do so is not only insensitive but disrespectful to the memory of my child and the pain we continue to feel.

@FelicityBeedle

That’s horrendous, I can see how the idea could pop into someone’s head but a bit of thought shows you how awful it is

Too right.

Grim.
Sort of similar to people saying "oh my husband is away all week so I feel like a single parent"
Yes because that is totally what being a single parent is like.

Sorry for your loss op xx

Sympathies, OP.

I have no idea what they’re thinking, but I wouldn’t sponsor someone to spend 24 hours away from their child for the following reasons:

1. It’s a bit of an insult to the parenting of people who regularly have to leave their children overnight with others (for work, shared custody, etc.).

1. Sounds more like a holiday than a challenge. It’s more of a challenge for the person who is taking care of someone else’s child for 24 hours.

1. If it is a genuine challenge to leave a child, I’d question whether it was detrimental to the well-being of that child for their main care giver to leave them with someone else.

1. As you pointed out, it’s very poor taste and triggering for those who have lost a child.

I can see all of this and I don’t have children. I’m genuinely baffled that so many people thought it was a good idea.

The spokesperson is basically saying oh dear you were a bit emotional we understand and forgive you for reacting so insensitively to our good idea.

I think whatever you reply, you may wish to say you’re appalled they’re blaming your reaction to a disgusting idea on your bereavement.

Please ensure whatever answer you give, it will make you feel better.

Omg op. I hope you are okay. Is there a neighbor you could ring?

Sorry wrong thread

Surely the item/facility is such a deserving one that your organisation wouldn't need a themed fund raiser. I think they mean well but they have taken the 'fun event' thing too far. It's inappropriate and the letter from your organiser is patronising.

It may have been suggested but if they plan to go ahead perhaps approach the person/group making the request - could they steer them away from this idea.

About four months after my son died, a friend rang me in tears after she'd just dropped her DC off for a week long school camp.
Said she couldn't stop crying as they'd never been parted for more than one night and could she come over for coffee.
I told her to fuck off and never contact me again.
Totally sympathise OP.
The sheer ignorance of some people.

I can really see how some virtue signalling type could come up with that kind of suggestion.

It’s up there with spending a night on the streets to raise money for the homeless or spending a day in a wheelchair to raise money for people who have lost the ability to walk etc.

Totally “look at me aren’t I so empathetic” and yet so bloody brain dead.

i actually agree with PP that I would send them a copy of this thread.

I would also point out that threads like this routinely appear in the tabloids, and they might want to think about what the reaction of the local press would be once they started to advertise their ill thought out idea. Surely they want to be seen to be doing a positive thing, not alienating the local community and offending the bereaved into the bargain.

Just tell them to imagine you are raising money for an amputee by hopping on one leg. Help them mentally grasp why their suggestion is insensitive.

I am so sorry for your loss.

You are in my thoughts

Fucking hell! I'm a bereaved parent that had use of a cuddle cot. You can have our cuddles? They can have my fucking middle finger!
Who would pay for that idea? I don't have any words.
Our hospital did fundraise for this and needed about £25,000, they made it through traditional runs, cake sales and go fund me etc. I feel so angry. If you're the only one in this group that's experienced this they need to listen to you and not speak to you as if you're being an hysterical woman.

Suggest they run their idea by the hospital who requested it and see what they say. There is no way they would support it.

Even if you set aside how crass it would be. Say for arguments sake the goal was to raise money for a playground, how on earth would separating children and parents for 24 hours even function a fundraising event. It has so many problems. Many children would find it hard and stressful to be away from their parents for that long. So for them it is stupid and mean to make them take part. Parents would fall into two camps, thoes for whom it would be hard logistically to sort out And thoes who it would make little difference too because they have a capable partner or other support. For the first group, well they probably won't take part and for the second group - who is going to sponsor them? Why would I give money to Sarah who is going to spend 24 hours at a hotel while her husband looks after the 7 year old? It just doesn't make any sense. Maybe this needs to be pointed out to them.

I’m a bereaved parent and am horrified they think that what they are thinking of doing can in any way equate with the life changing experience of losing a child. As others have said they should contact a charity that deals with parent bereavement. This could well be very poorly received by other parents who have been through the same thing.

This is an awful idea and so disrespectful to the people they should be trying to help.

I think this would have to be the end of my relationship with this group. The vocal members are too stupid for words and anyone who may see the ignorance of this idea lacks the character to have spoken up about it.

Really insenitive OP and very disrespectful.
I too would send a link to this thread.

@Hellocatshome

Why would anyone sponsor someone to be away from their child for 24 hours anyway? Its a rubbish idea for more than just the fact it is incredibly insensitive.

This In addition to being insensitive it’s a stupid idea