I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

This is horrific.

Contact the hospital, get in touch with SANDs, send them the link - pull out all the stops, they can't do this. How can they think that compares to losing a child? How can they think this is appropriate? Disgusting.

No you are not wrong.

As you presumably enjoy being part of the group, polite and not aimed at anyone specific so:

Thanks for your email

I do appreciate you checking in with me. As you acknowledge, this is close to home for me as of course it will be for all those we are raising money for.

The reason for my extreme reaction is that, while well intentioned, my belief is that this will be triggering for those we are intending to help.
My interpretation is that it is insensitive and shows a lack of understanding for bereaved parents.

As you recognise, this is a particularly sensitive area even when fundraising and attempting to show support.

I think we would benefit from more expert experience and so I would recommend we speak to SANDS before taking a decision or proceeding with any planning.

I know that people give up their time to support good causes and are seeking to do their best and I do very much want to carry on with the group. I'll feel more confident in whatever is decided once we have outside perspective.

(Which will of course say, er no)

What a bunch of arseholes, you're a better woman than me for keeping your cool to the extent you did OP.

I lost my daughter in 2020, a cuddle cot was invaluable in allowing my DH and I to have those few precious moments with her. As were the incredible midwives and hospital team - all of whom I would imagine would be as disgusted as we all are with this plan.

Argh! This is so bloody aggravating! I'm really censoring what I write here as I fear I could tip into ranting...!

What a terrible idea. You are not wrong to be shocked!

I am so sorry OP. That quote is beyond words.

@PurBal

Also, I understand wanting to have fundraising that reflects the charity but surely the focus should be on “spending time together as a family” not “pretending our children have died”

This puts it perfectly and, by being blunt, shows how weird this whole idea is. Beggars belief that anyone would think simplistically enough to equate not seeing your child for a set period of time with your child actually being dead. It’s odd to say the least.,,

@DefiniteTortoise

'Dear volunteering group. The fundraising idea you have suggested suggests that being separated from your living child for a brief, finite period of time is somehow analogous to being separated from that child forever due to their death. As a bereaved parent I am appalled at quite how tone deaf this suggestion is, and implore you to consider other options for fundraising in this instance.'

I'm so sorry OP

Great response.

for you OP

@MsChatterbox

I would say something like,

My reaction tonight was a true insight to the potential reaction of the people we are raising money for if they were to hear about this campaign. It is not appropriate. It is offensive and it should not go ahead. We need to continue to brainstorm different ideas.

That sounds like a pretty good response - short and to the point.

The idea that they should forgive you for your response was just adding insult to injury.

Agee with all PPs saying how horribly insensitive this is, in the context. It's also an utterly crap fund-raising idea. It would be cruel to the children, if they're at an age to mind being separated from parents.

Who is going to sponsor parents to distress their children unnecessarily? I've sponsored some stupid activities, in my time, if it was for a good cause, but this would get a hard pass from me.

Firstly, I am so sorry you had such a horrible experience, and your reaction is completely understandable. Perhaps a message worded along these lines would help?

"I can understand that the concept for this fundraiser has been built along the same principle as fundraising for the '48 Hour famine' – that if someone is forced to go 48 hours without food, the discomfort they experience will give them a small yet tolerable taste of the terrible reality that millions of children must live with every day.

However as a bereaved parent, I know from personal experience that 24 hours away from your child will not deliver anything like a realistic taste of the terrible reality of a lifetime without your loved and cherished child. I feel that a 24-hour separation minimises the experience of permanent child loss to the point of making a brutal mockery of it.

If you are determined to go ahead with a fundraising event based on this principle, as someone who has been through the experience of child loss, may I suggest that the period that participating parents should be forced to be apart from their beloved children should be a month, not 24 hours. This would give them a more realistic, yet still tolerable, understanding of the aching experience of permanent loss for the bereaved parent."

This is a horrific idea ..what is WRONG with people who agreed . Grief is hard enough without roleplaying . Step away and heal from this toxic group for a bit. I’m sorry you’ve been so upset.

I would go with a mixture of @Calmdown14 and @DefiniteTortoise letters. It absolutely needs to be pointed out that the finite time makes a mockery of what it is to be a bereaved parent.

Hmmmm. I wonder what form this "sacrifice" would take? They wouldn't be taking the chance for some "me time" surely? I don't think it will garner the support they hope it will.

That's quite apart from the fact it's horrifically inappropriate for the cause they want to support.

Horrific. So you not only have to deal with such insensitivity but then the response that they forgive you your emotions…
I would seriously question the sanity of such people.
That cuddles quote, I’m almost speechless. It’s so crass that it is like they’ve tried to be as offensive as possible.
And now you (a bereaved parent) have to suffer the pain of going into battle to stop it happening, and no doubt suffering further distress.

No, just no

That is so insensitive and crass - really can't believe someone thought that was a good idea

This is so awful and I'm so sorry that your very valid feelings have been ignored. The idea and the horrific slogan are abhorrent and condescending. So insensitive to the parents who will make use of the cuddle cots. I think getting a paragraph from a bereavement charity, as suggested by a PP, is a really good idea

Absolutely appalling idea

for you OP. I’m sorry for your loss.

Thank you all.

I'm going to have a look at the suggested responses tomorrow again when my head is a bit clearer, thanks for taking the time to help me with what to say. I'm at a point now where I'm in tears and I don't know if its grief or anger anymore.

I cant see how I'll go back to the group again, but, regardless of my involvement I'll definitely be letting them know that their plan is terrible, offensive, stupid and fucking insensitive.

I keep going over it in my mind and thinking I should have just stood up right away before they wound each other up, I suppose it's easier with hindsight though. The more I think about it, the more I realise that there were more quiet people than those in agreement. Hopefully someone else will speak out too.

I just can't believe it, over a decade of being a bereaved parent and I thought I had heard every stupid thing, that I heard all the clichés and every insensitive comment there is and I go and get floored in a fundraising group of all things.

I cannot articulate how deeply offensive and inappropriate I would find this, and I have not lost a child. What the fuck?!

That is awful. I am shocked someone thought it, said it to someone who agreed then when they heard your point of view still didn't get it!!!

Sorry, I don't think I expressed myself well there. I mean that it might help to hint that others may not want to sponsor Jocasta and Quentin's date night while Granny has the kids.

As a salaried fundraiser who has worked in the voluntary sector for 20+ years I would be advising your group to think again. The person in charge of fundraising at the beneficiary charity should veto this idea as ultimately the buck stops with them and it could be seen very negatively.

Just send this thread in response. It speaks volumes.

Oh God, that still came across awful. I'm sorry, I'm tired and emotional and shall now retire.

"You know you'll get your children back at the end of it, so you are not feeling any grief, nothing remotely close. You are getting a little break from your children for one day, bereaved parents have to live knowing they will never see their children again. It's taunting bereaved parents to compare the two in this way. Would you think it appropriate to actually tell a bereaved parent, to their faces, that you understand and empathise with their suffering because your child went to a sleepover at grandma's? No? Because that's exactly what this looks like."

How can they not see that?!