If you are going to ask your kids football coach to do any of these things, please don't...

[thefootballcoacheswife]

My DH coaches under 8's football. He gives up a lot of time to this, training twice a week, Saturdays for matches and lots of other time planning and scheduling (and dreaming of cup glory )
He loves coaching the kids. What he does not love is dealing with some of the parents.
In the last month he has been:
Asked to not let a kid join the team by a Mother of a child already in the team.A bit of digging revealed that this Mother didn't like the parents of the new kid as they were formerly friends and they had sided with her ex husband in the divorce. She called DH and messaged him repeatedly basically describing the new child as the incantation of pure evil. DH ignored her, the kid started with the team and unsurprisingly all was fine between the kids.

Asked by another Mother to refuse let her ex husband attend a team trip to watch a premier league game that the whole team and families were going on. We know this family. The parents have equal custody of the kids. They had both booked to come on the trip. This mother was seriously expecting DH to call the Dad and tell
Him he couldn't come because she doesn't like him.

Asked by a Dad to pick up and bring back his kid from training for the next three weeks because he was busy. It's a twenty minute detour to pick him and drop him back. Is DH now a cab as well?

Sworn at and threatened by a parent who felt his kid wasn't getting enough minutes (they all play the same amount usually sitting out one quarter each)

These are just in the last month.

Being a kids football coach is a Labour of love. DH does it as a volunteer basis as do lots of other football coaches. They are happy to coach kids. But what they aren't are referees in family / social disputes, marriage guidance counsellors, social engineers or cab drivers.

He is so stressed by the parental politics that he has considered quitting. So if you are going to do any of the above mentioned things to your kids football coach, or anything like them, please reconsider! They just want to show your kids how to play football. They don't want to be involved in your life outside of that at all!

My sons coach was also an ex premier league player. Whenever the parents kicked off about anything he’d ask them how long they had played professional football for and give them ‘the’ look. It worked every time.

Wow, but sadly I am not surprised. People like your husband do a great job, and sacrifice their own time to do this. My DS was in an inclusive team for years, but sadly towards the end a lot of the kids were not well behaved and at one games some of his teams behaviour was disgusting and it was the last straw for the coach and he threw in the towel. I can't even repeat some of the language, and spitting in people's faces. so I had to find another team for my DS. It was so sad as he had been there for years. And then there are the awful parents at football, with the awful language. So I feel for your DH. Just let him know there will be parents that appreciate him and know how hard he works. Good luck.

Just tell him she’s thinking of quitting, then when he asks why tell him.

Bit OTT @GingerWit. The first sentence was sufficient and the rest totally unnecessary, and no one will bother reading it. Remember less is more!

Eldest was in a team where few parents offered to ferry kids to games, many miles away. It was always me there. But coach rarely let son play. Only when I made husband take him and have ‘male footie chat’ with coach did he get on pitch. Coach was subsequently banned for fighting with opposition parents! Was all quite mad.
Youngest had a much better time with a team run by dad from school. We all got on and helped out with it all.

boyblue commented that lots think coaches are paid. They think that Guiders and Scout Leaders are paid as well. They aren’t. They run self funding units and are often out of pocket because the subs just don’t cover everything and they don’t want to increase subs and cause problems for families. Then they have to deal with the parents who are exactly as the OP described. After almost 20 years I am on the point of giving up because of parents who are constantly on the phone complaining.

I've noticed very many parents drop kids off for swim lessons, go off then come back. Very few seem to want to watch. Same with junior cricket. The same few parents stay every week to watch and support.

Wow, what entitled people! My son plays on a local soccer league (we're in the US) and I'm SO grateful to the coaches, because I don't know the game well enough to coach myself (and neither does DH). It would never occur to me to us to ask them to do anything beyond coaching. Same with DD's athletics coaches, and they're paid! The soccer ones are volunteers.

@lugeforlife have a quiet word. I've coached for years and it's likely that they just haven't realised.

I like the Canadian system your kid does a sport you have to run a session. No parental involvement no place for your kid. That would sort it.

That’s fine until the children that can’t swim drown i. The pool with a clueless parent who can’t swim ?

Can’t parents just stop being apita

@thanktor Most coaches have a horror story or two every season. They have a parent who messages them all the time. They have someone complaining. They have people talking behind their back. They have someone worried about own child.
Trust me it's often not visible to anyone else.
We keep it private and only discuss with other coaches

Sounds like the parent politics of being a teacher - always the other child’s/mothers fault. At least he’s only doing once a week and it’s not his income.

My DH coached my sons team through primary school. The team asked if he would carry on, so he arranged for them to join another squad and coached them as a separate team. Some wanted to carry on once they went to college and this will be their final season. My sons are five years apart. So all in all DH has coached this team for 18 years, the whole of younger DS's life!

None of the things that OP has asked not to say comes as any great surprise to us. And yes we have acted as taxi drivers multiple times. DH feels that it's not the kids fault and unfair for them to miss out. The most important quality a coach can have IMO is patience and that is mainly dealing with the parents (or parents of the opposing team). The lack of gratitude to people who are giving their time and energy to help bring on other's children is truly gobsmacking at times. DH doesn't just turn up for practice and matches there's a LOT of admin that goes into it as well. He's incredibly patient and, at times, I don't know how he does it and I'm the calm one. The only thing that really ruffles his feathers is when parents pull their kids out of matches literally at the last minute for pretty trivial things as this can mean the match may not go ahead and, like I already said, a lot of organisation goes into this plus payments.

The only time DH got really angry was after the team had been given free tickets and gone to a match at a premier league stadium and a mum rang him to complain about something she felt had not gone the way she wanted. I can't remember exactly what it was but it was trivial. He tore her off a strip.

Having said all that there are some lovely, grateful and very involved parents too.

These people, and others doing similar voluntary work (eg Scouts, etc) deserve medals

@MsTSwift

What the hell is wrong with people?!

When my friend was a guide leader one session they did a chill out pamper session and one set of parents sent an email of complaint signed from both of them! My friend was a fucking volunteer!

I like the Canadian system your kid does a sport you have to run a session. No parental involvement no place for your kid. That would sort it.

That type of system massively discriminates against the children of lone parents.

@lugeforlife

So I have a question. My yr 7 dd plays football - she's regarded as one of the more able girls on the team

Until very recently she loved it. At 12 she is coming up to an age where I'm aware a lot of girls give up sport and it's been so positive for her I'd hate to see that happen

Recently she's been quite disillusioned - there appears to be a higher level of expectation and less engagement from the coach. She feels she's either being ignored or criticised. For context she's the only player who hasn't won player of the match this season whereas todays player was a girl who had been feeling a bit 'down' so needed the boost

Coach is a great guy and dh especially gets on well with him. He has all the stresses which everyone describes and we do really appreciate all he does for the team

So my q is should we quietly mention that she also needs a bit of encouragement and coach can't just assume she's ok all the time. Or would we be 'those' parents everyone is complaining about

I'd absolutely mention this. My DH is very open to parental input. The parents that complain tend to do it multiple times. Just do it in a balanced and non-critical way. If he is a good coach he should take this on board or at least be open to a discussion with you.

One girl who DH coached, up until the age that they can no longer play mixed games, is going to a US university on a football (soccer) scholarship

'@JuergenSchwarzwald

I have a plea for football coaches not to do the following

(a) decide that all that matters is winning

(b) kick kids off the team who aren't very good because of (a)

(c) get involved in parental politics (clearly your DP hasn't! but some coaches definitely do!)

(d) kick kids off the team because of (c)

Swings and roundabouts OP although I accept that they are volunteers and giving up their free time

Except it's not swings and roundabouts is it? More like swings and the London Eye in terms of time and energy put in by these coaches/volunteers.

When DH's team were in primary school, he would share out playing time and reward effort and got quite a hard time from some parents ie fathers. He has never kicked anyone off the team for a) or c). However, at secondary age, when you are playing in leagues and it all gets a bit more serious, coaches do have to try to help their team to win and that's what the players want to. Otherwise it's all a bit pointless.

Believe me, DH would not get involved in parent politics. He has got enough on his plate coaching (and admining) their kids. We have never heard of any coach interfering in this manner - it would be a surprising thing to do as you know you'd end up getting it in the neck, why would you bother and it would be unprofessional.

If you want someone to spend hours and hours of their time, effort and energy in the rain and shine looking after (and hopefully bringing on) your child or children for free, then you may have to accept you are not going to get a Perfect Peter. Coaches are probably going to be sporty and competitive people.

If a coach is doing any of the things you mentioned, then vote with your feet and leave the club.

OP made a perfectly reasonable comment IMO about the unreasonable flak that volunteer coaches get from SOME parents. We've seen it to. So I totally get where she's coming from.

@caringcarer

I've noticed very many parents drop kids off for swim lessons, go off then come back. Very few seem to want to watch. Same with junior cricket. The same few parents stay every week to watch and support.

And your point is?

@JuergenSchwarzwald

I have a plea for football coaches not to do the following:

(a) decide that all that matters is winning

(b) kick kids off the team who aren't very good because of (a)

(c) get involved in parental politics (clearly your DP hasn't! but some coaches definitely do!)

(d) kick kids off the team because of (c)

Swings and roundabouts OP although I accept that they are volunteers and giving up their free time.

I agree with this 100%

Agree with a PP who says that football is worse than rugby. My DS played both & the experience at rugby was much nicer. Another friend coaches cricket and says that, possibly due to the long length of the sessions, they are treated as childcare providers by many of the parents.

@caringcarer

I've noticed very many parents drop kids off for swim lessons, go off then come back. Very few seem to want to watch. Same with junior cricket. The same few parents stay every week to watch and support

It was a legal requirement that parents stay in the building for my DS's swim lessons, so I spent many many hours over several years watching them and was bored out of my mind. I would watch the odd football or cricket match but not the training. Neither were geared up for parents to stay and I am not sure how it would have helped.

@caringcarer Parents on my kids' teams aren't expected to stay for the practices, the coaches don't particularly encourage it. They're both teenagers though so perhaps that's why.

We're definitely there for all the games, we're quite rowdy supporters, we get over-excited cheering and jumping around. I'm sure we look ridiculous, a bunch of middle-aged parents jumping and shouting on the sidelines, but the kids don't seem to mind.

Coaches wives
I agree with everything said, my little addition is be careful not to get too moany / involved in the negativity.
The coaches should deal with these issues as they arise.
My experience has shown me that sometimes the moanfest from coaches to their wives about other parents ends up in a cluster of coaches wives turning things quite bitchy.
Leave it to the coaches ….

I am a coaches wife and I am laughing my head off.

When he talks about the team I switch off and nod. 😂😂

I don’t care at all about it to be honest. He switches off too now at all the moaning.

@Pecially

Coaches wives hmm
I agree with everything said, my little addition is be careful not to get too moany / involved in the negativity
The coaches should deal with these issues as they arise.
My experience has shown me that sometimes the moanfest from coaches to their wives about other parents ends up in a cluster of coaches wives turning things quite bitchy.
Leave it to the coaches

I am a coach's wife too @HariboMaroon and I'm with you - I really couldn't give a shiny sh*t about the parents personal politics and neither could DH. We don't get involved or want to. He will tell me if someone has been unreasonable and I nod along, but it isn't going to change how I interact with that parent or probably how he deals with them.

That said, I can quite understand a partner of someone who spends literally hours and hours... of their time and energy to coach other peoples' children who then gets moaned at by a parent or parents being a bit , The coach has to make sacrifices to do this voluntary job and this has an impact on his partner and family.

I'm incredibly grateful to all of my sons' football coaches. However, I'm finding these threads/posts on here and social media a bit tiring. As in all areas of life, you need to set your own boundaries. If parents are treating you disrespectfully, then manage it

But what a terrible shame the coach should have to set boundaries and “manage it”. Basic respect from parents should be expected as a minimum - such a shame that people forget that.

If not, please stop...with football at least there is never a shortage of dads willing to step up

Ha ha ha ! Rubbish !
My DH was a kids footie coach for years. When my DH stopped (mostly due to the crap he encountered with a small number of parents) nobody stepped up and the team folded.

I’m a cub leader, and while the majority of parents are lovely, there’s always one or two that get you down. I’ve got one cub parent who is a difficult man - moans when we’re 5 mins late finishing, never offers help, doesn’t read emails so usually has no clue what his child needs to bring to a meeting.
After a tiring weekend camp , he managed to be in the wrong place to collect his child, meaning he was an hour late picking up - and somehow that was our fault, even though 25 other parents had managed to be in the right place at the right time.

So @JudesBiggestFan, if you’re finding these kind of threads a bit tiring, just imagine how tiring the volunteers across all kinds of kids clubs are finding it, not only having to organise and run the club, but also dealing with the parents. Perhaps this is just somewhere they can safely vent!