Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you are going to ask your kids football coach to do any of these things, please don't...

188 replies

thefootballcoacheswife · 26/02/2022 08:05

My DH coaches under 8's football. He gives up a lot of time to this, training twice a week, Saturdays for matches and lots of other time planning and scheduling (and dreaming of cup glory Grin)
He loves coaching the kids. What he does not love is dealing with some of the parents.
In the last month he has been:
Asked to not let a kid join the team by a Mother of a child already in the team.A bit of digging revealed that this Mother didn't like the parents of the new kid as they were formerly friends and they had sided with her ex husband in the divorce. She called DH and messaged him repeatedly basically describing the new child as the incantation of pure evil. DH ignored her, the kid started with the team and unsurprisingly all was fine between the kids.

Asked by another Mother to refuse let her ex husband attend a team trip to watch a premier league game that the whole team and families were going on. We know this family. The parents have equal custody of the kids. They had both booked to come on the trip. This mother was seriously expecting DH to call the Dad and tell
Him he couldn't come because she doesn't like him.

Asked by a Dad to pick up and bring back his kid from training for the next three weeks because he was busy. It's a twenty minute detour to pick him and drop him back. Is DH now a cab as well?

Sworn at and threatened by a parent who felt his kid wasn't getting enough minutes (they all play the same amount usually sitting out one quarter each)

These are just in the last month.

Being a kids football coach is a Labour of love. DH does it as a volunteer basis as do lots of other football coaches. They are happy to coach kids. But what they aren't are referees in family / social disputes, marriage guidance counsellors, social engineers or cab drivers.

He is so stressed by the parental politics that he has considered quitting. So if you are going to do any of the above mentioned things to your kids football coach, or anything like them, please reconsider! They just want to show your kids how to play football. They don't want to be involved in your life outside of that at all!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2022 21:26

@ThisIsGroundControl

Earrings I think thee doth protest too much
What do you mean? I'm entirely in agreement with OP.

I have nothing but respect for all the coaches I know. I'm involved myself in voluntary work with my DC school.

So there's no protesting. I'm just adding to a point made by another poster, that actually, it's not just about individuals.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2022 21:28

@thanktor

Exactly Exhausting to read in fact! Grin
Why do snide? Really, a few posts on an Internet forum are exhausting to read? Surely not (😀)

I always wonder about posters who have no meaningful contribution other than to disparage someone else's

MsTSwift · 26/02/2022 23:21

Because we really don’t agree with you on this. Am sure the club would manage fine without your family most decent clubs here are massively over subscribed. They would fold entirely without the volunteers running them though.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
WindyKnickers · 27/02/2022 05:27

I don't stay and watch my DS at football training. Its cold and muddy and he doesn't care if I'm there or not. The only parents who stay are the ones who think it's OK to shout instructions over the coaches. I watch matches and I'm never late to drop off or pick up.

I am currently annoyed with his coaches though because the best players (they're U7) get double the amount of playing time during a match than than the less co-ordinated or strong kids. I haven't said anything yet but I'm going to if it happens at the next match. I think I am allowed to speak up if something isn't right. Parents don't have to bow down to the saintly coaches and allow their children to be sidelined at 6 years old. As long as you're polite and respectful I don't think you just have to put up and shut up.

Bearsar90 · 27/02/2022 06:06

He should publish some rules...

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2022 07:44

Am sure the club would manage fine without your family most decent clubs here are massively over subscribed.

Not the case here. As I explained, it's our national sport here, which is voluntary / amateur all the way, including senior level. They literally depend on having a very large junior involvement, and look for talented players from v early on.

They would fold entirely without the volunteers running them though.

Please try to read. I do volunteer. And fundraise. They'd fold without parents, children volunteers and coaches.

Perhaps you should stop making up stuff about other people's lives?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2022 07:51

I am currently annoyed with his coaches though because the best players (they're U7) get double the amount of playing time during a match than than the less co-ordinated or strong kids.

My DC sports are v competitive. They are all in leagues / graded games. Therefore winning matters and the best players get played. However what they do is ensure that they have a big pool of players (back to earlier post to a poster who finds it difficult to understand) and form several teams, usually 3 (A, B,C). This then allows all players to get game time. They manage it well, but it can still be disappointing for the child on the C team who'd like to be on the better teams. They do allow them the chance to 'play up' at times too.

For soccer, this isn't possible though & it does mean some DC get less game time.

At 7 I agree that's too young for that level of competition. By 8 it's pretty standard in my experience though.

The aim to have enough opportunity for every child to progress & enjoy the sport, I know it doesn't always work like this.

thanktor · 27/02/2022 07:52

@MsTSwift

Because we really don’t agree with you on this. Am sure the club would manage fine without your family most decent clubs here are massively over subscribed. They would fold entirely without the volunteers running them though.
And that’s the nub of it

It’s embarrassing- the thought that some parents truly feel their “individual” contribution is important to the club.

If they were to bugger off because their child didn’t want to do it - nothing would change

Essentially as a parent but non volunteer - I know my place. My motivation is for my son. Yes I’ll take other kids, us I’ll hall out at the bake sale and turn up on any weather BUT a) I’m doing it solely for my son and b) if I never turns up again and withdrew my son, absolutely nothing would happen in terms of the club… it would flourish without me! Not. The. Volunteers. Though!

As i say - it’s embarrassing to think otherwise (and yes - exhausting to read the defence of the pro-parent stance! Grin)

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2022 08:00

@thanktor

I'm going to leave it here after this because posters like you who refuse to accept other people have different experiences are just irritating (and rude).

I can tell you 💯 that if parents were not involved in my DC activities, they would be able to continue.

I can also tell you that individual contributions also matter - I don't care either way but it happens to be the case that my DC are sporty and in one sport in particular, make a difference when they are there. We've been asked to change our plans to be there, when we'd planned to be away. It's difficult for family life at times but the DC love it & I do my very best to support them & the sport.

And finally - as you seem unable to read too! - I do volunteer. I don't coach. But I do other tasks that support the club, team & my DC. I'm off to a fundraiser in about an hour, in fact. It is a fact that without the parents, children, coaches and volunteers the sports my DC are in would not be possible to run. This is a point made repeatedly by the club. It may be more how things are done here than where you are, but it is the case & it's beyond rude to keep insisting you know better. 🤷🏻‍♀️

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2022 08:01

they would not* be able to continue 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mostlyjustrunning · 27/02/2022 08:06

@EarringsandLipstick

I am currently annoyed with his coaches though because the best players (they're U7) get double the amount of playing time during a match than than the less co-ordinated or strong kids.

My DC sports are v competitive. They are all in leagues / graded games. Therefore winning matters and the best players get played. However what they do is ensure that they have a big pool of players (back to earlier post to a poster who finds it difficult to understand) and form several teams, usually 3 (A, B,C). This then allows all players to get game time. They manage it well, but it can still be disappointing for the child on the C team who'd like to be on the better teams. They do allow them the chance to 'play up' at times too.

For soccer, this isn't possible though & it does mean some DC get less game time.

At 7 I agree that's too young for that level of competition. By 8 it's pretty standard in my experience though.

The aim to have enough opportunity for every child to progress & enjoy the sport, I know it doesn't always work like this.

My dc’s team is non selective which is great. But then some kids were getting picked for the team more often than others. Eventually someone asked the coach to clarify. Turns out he didn’t have a strategy for picking, or even a list of who had played and would just randomly pick kids. Some were getting more games by saying (untruthfully) that they hadn’t played for ages.
MsTSwift · 27/02/2022 08:12

I don’t see any rudeness - we are allowed not to agree you know!

Where we live all decent clubs are massively over subscribed with long waiting lists - we need them far far more than they need us no matter how many fundraisers we attend, lifts given or biscuits baked. I am incredibly grateful that each of my teens have kept up one sport/activity. Neither of them are amazing at it but it’s physical activity and they meet new friends etc such a positive in their lives so yes I do think the volunteers that facilitate this are sainted!

WellThatsMeScrewed · 27/02/2022 08:24

Ha after commenting yesterday at my Dcs football match one of the opponents coach was being really aggressive and rude. Two parents had to take him aside to speak to him.

So it’s not just parents!

My mantra is ‘it’s not the premiership FFS’

thanktor · 27/02/2022 09:02

Yes best to leave it @EarringsandLipstick

I’m going to take my son to rugby now. Abs collect another child. We will be on time. And I will serve serve at the cafe.

And know in my heart that I’m doing it for my son. And no one else.
Meanwhile I could be standing next to a parent who thinks that without them serving coffee too… the club would crash and burn!

MsTSwift · 27/02/2022 09:13

And actually some of the parents benefit a lot from these clubs themselves and centre their own social lives around them!

Mostlyjustrunning · 27/02/2022 10:35

In some of my dc’s clubs the coaches are paid professionals not volunteers.
Which led to this very awkward conversation recently…
So ds had told the coach his mum was being mean, and she said to tell her what it was and she would decide (i wasn’t letting him have a fizzy drink)
Ds: well of course you’re going to agree with my mum - she pays you
Me: hmm that’s not really how it works- we pay fees to the club for your training and the club pays the coaches
Ds: so you are paying the coaches
Me: (trying to laugh it off) oh dear I didn’t realise I had so many employees 🤣
I was totally mortified and it’s certainly not something he’s heard from me. Luckily the coach is lovely and explained to ds that she’ll always back up the parents as she remembers being a little horror to her mum. And I agreed that I’ll always back up the coaches!

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 11:32

[quote WindsweptPidgeon]@ThePennyJustDropped Do you honestly think Scouts would run "pamper" sessions? And Guides running them because "it's driven by the interests of the pack" are just enforcing the social conditioning girls are subjected to. Do you think girls are born wanting to paint their nails?[/quote]
Seriously? A pamper session is healthy, teaching children (girls and boys) how to look after their feet, nails and skin is a good thing, so why are you making this into a gender thing, @WindsweptPidgeon ? It has nothing to do with gender! You're the one making it into that. What is wrong with a pamper session occasionally? Fucked if know what is wrong with it, for the life of me I can't understand what's wrong with it.

Oblomov22 · 27/02/2022 11:39

Don't put up with this nonsense. Both my ds's have played football for the last 10+ years and we haven't had any such nonsense in any of our 2 teams.

boyblue · 27/02/2022 13:16

Lots of parents assume all these coaches are paid

thanktor · 27/02/2022 13:26

@Oblomov22

Don't put up with this nonsense. Both my ds's have played football for the last 10+ years and we haven't had any such nonsense in any of our 2 teams.
To be fair If you’re not a coach How would you know?

Ihave no idea what arrives in our coaches inboxes

GingerWit · 27/02/2022 18:21

@thefootballcoacheswife

My DH coaches under 8's football. He gives up a lot of time to this, training twice a week, Saturdays for matches and lots of other time planning and scheduling (and dreaming of cup glory Grin) He loves coaching the kids. What he does not love is dealing with some of the parents. In the last month he has been: Asked to not let a kid join the team by a Mother of a child already in the team.A bit of digging revealed that this Mother didn't like the parents of the new kid as they were formerly friends and they had sided with her ex husband in the divorce. She called DH and messaged him repeatedly basically describing the new child as the incantation of pure evil. DH ignored her, the kid started with the team and unsurprisingly all was fine between the kids.

Asked by another Mother to refuse let her ex husband attend a team trip to watch a premier league game that the whole team and families were going on. We know this family. The parents have equal custody of the kids. They had both booked to come on the trip. This mother was seriously expecting DH to call the Dad and tell
Him he couldn't come because she doesn't like him.

Asked by a Dad to pick up and bring back his kid from training for the next three weeks because he was busy. It's a twenty minute detour to pick him and drop him back. Is DH now a cab as well?

Sworn at and threatened by a parent who felt his kid wasn't getting enough minutes (they all play the same amount usually sitting out one quarter each)

These are just in the last month.

Being a kids football coach is a Labour of love. DH does it as a volunteer basis as do lots of other football coaches. They are happy to coach kids. But what they aren't are referees in family / social disputes, marriage guidance counsellors, social engineers or cab drivers.

He is so stressed by the parental politics that he has considered quitting. So if you are going to do any of the above mentioned things to your kids football coach, or anything like them, please reconsider! They just want to show your kids how to play football. They don't want to be involved in your life outside of that at all!

DH needs to send out a global E-mail to the entire parental group as follows;

Hello,

I need to ask that parents do not request personal favours regarding who gets to play and who cannot come on trios. This is not my job, nor is it in my remit to become involved with personal disputes that have no bearing or relevance on the football I am coaching your children to play. I am just that - Their football coach. Putting me in the middle of personal drama has a drastic effect on my mental health and I don't want to feel like disbanding the club because of the stress it is causing me. It takes away from the enjoyment and the energy it drains from me could be better used on your children. If you have problems with other parents, their children, or family members please direct it to your school, legal adviser, and/or other support network. Anymore personal requests will see you banned from watching your children or attending trips away. A call to social services will also be made if I think you are using your children to abuse custody orders, and/or to manipulate situations.

Kind regards,

Coach

wellstopdoingitthen · 27/02/2022 18:27

I work in a school & get this with parents a lot. I once had a parent call & ask me to tell the child's other parent to swap their days over Christmas. Apparently the parent had refused but they thought that if the school intervened they would do as asked!
During lockdown, when making weekly welfare calls a parent asked the headteacher to call back and tell her son to go to bed on time. When he refused she reported him to ofsted.

And don't get me started on some of the requests I had as a cub leader.

Thank you for the coaching, I bet the children really appreciate it.

1forAll74 · 27/02/2022 18:42

I expect that this would happen quite a lot these days, and I am not surprised that your Husband gets worn down with some odd ball parents behaviour. Its a great job that your Husband is doing, but long gone are the days, when there would be no iffy spikey parents making comments about all and sundry. Those kind of parents are a total nuisance, but there are a lot of them about now.

Glittertwins · 27/02/2022 18:55

I've quit coaching due to the way I've been spoken to. Nothing surprises me.

lugeforlife · 27/02/2022 19:20

So I have a question. My yr 7 dd plays football - she's regarded as one of the more able girls on the team.

Until very recently she loved it. At 12 she is coming up to an age where I'm aware a lot of girls give up sport and it's been so positive for her I'd hate to see that happen.

Recently she's been quite disillusioned - there appears to be a higher level of expectation and less engagement from the coach. She feels she's either being ignored or criticised. For context she's the only player who hasn't won player of the match this season whereas todays player was a girl who had been feeling a bit 'down' so needed the boost.

Coach is a great guy and dh especially gets on well with him. He has all the stresses which everyone describes and we do really appreciate all he does for the team.

So my q is should we quietly mention that she also needs a bit of encouragement and coach can't just assume she's ok all the time. Or would we be 'those' parents everyone is complaining about.

Just to reiterate this is about helping her feel engaged and part of the team only. For the Ted Lasso fans, she is Jamie Tartt and her Coach is Roy Kent (I mean he's not, I can only dream....)

Swipe left for the next trending thread