If you are going to ask your kids football coach to do any of these things, please don't...

[thefootballcoacheswife]

My DH coaches under 8's football. He gives up a lot of time to this, training twice a week, Saturdays for matches and lots of other time planning and scheduling (and dreaming of cup glory )
He loves coaching the kids. What he does not love is dealing with some of the parents.
In the last month he has been:
Asked to not let a kid join the team by a Mother of a child already in the team.A bit of digging revealed that this Mother didn't like the parents of the new kid as they were formerly friends and they had sided with her ex husband in the divorce. She called DH and messaged him repeatedly basically describing the new child as the incantation of pure evil. DH ignored her, the kid started with the team and unsurprisingly all was fine between the kids.

Asked by another Mother to refuse let her ex husband attend a team trip to watch a premier league game that the whole team and families were going on. We know this family. The parents have equal custody of the kids. They had both booked to come on the trip. This mother was seriously expecting DH to call the Dad and tell
Him he couldn't come because she doesn't like him.

Asked by a Dad to pick up and bring back his kid from training for the next three weeks because he was busy. It's a twenty minute detour to pick him and drop him back. Is DH now a cab as well?

Sworn at and threatened by a parent who felt his kid wasn't getting enough minutes (they all play the same amount usually sitting out one quarter each)

These are just in the last month.

Being a kids football coach is a Labour of love. DH does it as a volunteer basis as do lots of other football coaches. They are happy to coach kids. But what they aren't are referees in family / social disputes, marriage guidance counsellors, social engineers or cab drivers.

He is so stressed by the parental politics that he has considered quitting. So if you are going to do any of the above mentioned things to your kids football coach, or anything like them, please reconsider! They just want to show your kids how to play football. They don't want to be involved in your life outside of that at all!

Interesting thread. I've never been that parent, partly because I didn't have the confidence at the time, but looking back I wish I'd had spoken up. I know lots of selfless individuals who volunteer for different children's activities and I've also volunteered. But not all of them are perfect.
My childs sport was gymnastics, she has been in a few clubs and the treatment by coaches wasn't great, very much concentrating on the "squad", despite the fact that other children wanted to gain competence and were also paying to be there. One coach was seen as an angel by his wife, but let in a male friend to see his daughter perform, despite the guy only being allowed to see his daughter at a contact centre, due to DV. Her mum withdrew her child, he was also prone to body shaming the girls and wasn't alone in his bad behaviour.

Also the comment about GG and body pampering. In isolation it is fine, just another activity, but DD wishes she'd joined scouts instead, as her unit does very little outdoor stuff. She volunteers too and some leaders just aren't open to doing physical activities. Even cooking, is "pretty" baking, not practical life skills.

[quote JudesBiggestFan]@MsTSwift I just mean I suppose that it's a group effort.
Without the parents the team wouldn't exist. Without the coaches it wouldn't exist.
Of course I sign my kids up to clubs for their benefit, but I also take my responsibilities seriously...ensure they're on time, only cancel when I absolutely have to...basically don't let the side down.
That often means swapping shifts at work, my husband doing the same, taking my youngest out in all weathers from babyhood when it would have been easier not to. I don't expect thanks for that - my thanks is seeing my kids enjoying it - but to say the parents just rock up on the day is not true. It takes massive commitment.
[/quote]
Now imagine doing all that “massive commitment” plus time during the week to prep and post training

For a load of kids no way related to you in any shape or form!

I don’t volunteer
But the “massive commitment” you see - I see as enabling my child to do a sport they love

they’re three, they all run like little fat ducks

This made me laugh

Do you honestly think Scouts would run "pamper" sessions?
I was a leader for girls one year and we did homemade natural cosmetics once. I had a boys group a few years later and we did the same thing. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. And hell yes I choose activities based on mine and the participants interests. We discuss what they want to do and then I plan around it. We will have the same basic activities for both but then there are a few sessions where we do what they want and I'm not gonna stop doing that just because sometimes they fit to gender stereotypes.

I'm involved in scouts and this is one of the reasons I've moved to leading older kids. Where majority of the communication is with the kids themselves (I'm not in the UK so this is allowed here). I hated communicating with parents. They seemed to he under the impression that I was a paid employee and therefore needed to be available all the time.

I think volunteer coaches are amazing. But I also agree with @JudesBiggestFan

I am a parent to 3 DC who play multiple sports. I'm in Ireland so two of the sports are our National game, which is amateur at all levels. (So apart from at the very top, is voluntary, regardless of age / level). It's run with military precision.

My kids are sporty, pretty good & 2 of the 3 are ultra-focused. It's their lives.

I'm a single parent. I am absolutely exhausted from juggling the overlapping training slots (every night of the week, multiple at weekends), matches & meetings. I do everything I can to support the sports, including fundraising.

The coaches take no prisoners - and I respect this. But they expect a lot from the parents, no excuses.

Posted too soon!

One sport requires the kids there an hour before the match starts. There's a team talk afterwards. Factor in the travel & it's a full morning or afternoon, and it won't be our only game that day.

I find it impossible to explain that we may have to miss a session or match because I've to travel to see my mum or have a work commitment.

My kids are good players and the coaches want them there. They want to win & therefore want their best players. There's no latitude.

As much as I support all this & think sports are great, the level of pressure is sometimes insane for young children & teens. I do worry about how intense it all gets at times.

Yes but you are doing that for your kids benefit kids you chose to bring into the world with all the effort that entails. It is not the same at all as being a volunteer coach / running a club for no pay for the children of strangers. I find this looking for congratulations for ordinary parenting obligations very strange. And you chose to have 3! Suck it up!

@JuergenSchwarzwald

I have a plea for football coaches not to do the following:

(a) decide that all that matters is winning

(b) kick kids off the team who aren't very good because of (a)

(c) get involved in parental politics (clearly your DP hasn't! but some coaches definitely do!)

(d) kick kids off the team because of (c)

Swings and roundabouts OP although I accept that they are volunteers and giving up their free time.

Sadly a couple of kids have had to leave my DCs club recently because of their parent's behaviour. It's horrid when it happens as the children really don't deserve it but they are the collateral of their parent's shitty behaviour.

I run a kids club and I'd be chuffed if people just paid on time without me constantly chasing them. Then, by the time they pay for the lessons they ow on, they already owe again and so on goes the circle.

Nidan do what my dds dance teacher does send the payment link before term
starts with a reminder that there are many on the waiting list and if payment is not made by x date your child is replaced by a waiting list person no questions asked. Hard core! Quite right too

Wife of an U9s football coach and I wish parents (some not all) would appreciate the work it takes. My husband loves it but the training preparation, sorting match details out, FA retorts etc take time. Not to mention setting the goals up for matches when needed and then some parents get all shitty about helping up clear up after training/a match. If DH didn't coach them there wouldn't be a team, he's a volunteer! Also parents need to respect the refs more!

@thefootballcoacheswife

My DH coaches under 8's football. He gives up a lot of time to this, training twice a week, Saturdays for matches and lots of other time planning and scheduling (and dreaming of cup glory ) He loves coaching the kids. What he does not love is dealing with some of the parents. In the last month he has been: Asked to not let a kid join the team by a Mother of a child already in the team.A bit of digging revealed that this Mother didn't like the parents of the new kid as they were formerly friends and they had sided with her ex husband in the divorce. She called DH and messaged him repeatedly basically describing the new child as the incantation of pure evil. DH ignored her, the kid started with the team and unsurprisingly all was fine between the kids.

Asked by another Mother to refuse let her ex husband attend a team trip to watch a premier league game that the whole team and families were going on. We know this family. The parents have equal custody of the kids. They had both booked to come on the trip. This mother was seriously expecting DH to call the Dad and tell
Him he couldn't come because she doesn't like him.

Asked by a Dad to pick up and bring back his kid from training for the next three weeks because he was busy. It's a twenty minute detour to pick him and drop him back. Is DH now a cab as well?

Sworn at and threatened by a parent who felt his kid wasn't getting enough minutes (they all play the same amount usually sitting out one quarter each)

These are just in the last month.

Being a kids football coach is a Labour of love. DH does it as a volunteer basis as do lots of other football coaches. They are happy to coach kids. But what they aren't are referees in family / social disputes, marriage guidance counsellors, social engineers or cab drivers.

He is so stressed by the parental politics that he has considered quitting. So if you are going to do any of the above mentioned things to your kids football coach, or anything like them, please reconsider! They just want to show your kids how to play football. They don't want to be involved in your life outside of that at all!

Perhaps the head of the club should write to parents outlining the above.

For ours -I turn up with two huge flasks of strong coffee and paper cups -and one for thermos for hot chocolate. It's amazing how perky any injured child gets with a hot chocolate.
Coaches have coffee when then rotate or break etc.
There is a round robin at christmas for gifts and all the kids sign the card regardless of if parents have contributed.

Most mums/ dads offer lifts to matches on the group chat. Eg if I take one and have three spaces -I take 3. None ever ask the coaches to look after their children. However, in emergencies one of the parents will always offer to return a child -eg one mum had a call from eldest to say eek got a positive lfd -so she ran home to him to go get a pcr and her younger one -played on and we dropped him back after.

We recycle all kit. We have huge tubs of old football boots -pay £5 donation per pair they are yours -as long as you clean them and return them when your child grows out of them. So far -youngest has got through two football boots and returned to -club made £10 all good. Same with other kit eg shin pads.

We are all of the mind that our football club is beyond 'cheap' and 'affordable' because of all the volunteers and parents pulling together. Ours subs are much much lower than other clubs in the area. All kids play an equal amount regardless of ability -they ALL get cheered by ALL parents. We all celebrate winning and losing.

Tell your husband we are ALL grateful. Please don't give up -regardless of the parents -these children have had a shitty few years like all of us not being able to meet -and he is a force of good. Please ask him to remember that just like some child will remember him as a positive influence on his life. Although our club has boys and girls. At least 4 of the boys in our group have no 'active' male parent and their male and females coaches provide much needed positive role models. Thank you to him.

So much snobbery about football on this thread! My DC has played for years and 99% of the coaches, players and parents have been perfectly lovely people. Its been an added bonus that not only does DC enjoy it but the parents get to have a natter and reassure/support each other through the trials of raising kids. Honestly has been nothing but a positive influence in my DC's childhood.

@MsTSwift I don't understand why you think I'm looking for praise?? You could equally say that a coach chose to do what they're doing, suck it up! I hugely appreciate what the coaches do...but all im saying is most parents also play an important role too. It's a family...and like all families there's cross words and some forbearance needed at times, but all in the greater good of bringing up useful members of society!
And honestly, you should work with some if the families I do in my day job. The thought of driving their kids to a football match 15 miles away on a Saturday morning at 8am would be laughable to them. Mumsnet is a very middle class enclave/echo chamber, but all parents definitely do not make sacrifices for their children. They prioritise their sleep and save their money for themselves!

@MsTSwift

I totally agree with you

I’m not a volunteer
I’m a parent
I am a so single working parent, I do lifts for others and every week come rain or shine - we are there.

But - it’s ALL for my son.

And I find it totally baffling the, thankfully very few posters, who are going on about all the parents do to enable it to happen.

Yes. You do it for your child. Like I do it for mine. Difference is - most of us know that.

* The thought of driving their kids to a football match 15 miles away on a Saturday morning at 8am would be laughable to them. *

Yes there are crap parents out there or parents that just don’t want to do this. Pretty sure we’re all aware of that fact. It doesn’t make us golden parents that many are willing to do it. For. Their. Child!

Absolutely thanktor! Just find it such a baffling attitude acting as if you are worthy and going above and beyond when your actions are entirely self motivated to directly benefit your own child. Not getting it.

I don't get what's so difficult to understand about the concept of society?
Volunteers are amazing. But the single biggest defining factor in a child's life will be the quality of their parents.
We malign terrible parenting all the time as blighting a child's life chances. Prisons are full of people from terrible backgrounds. They are not full of kids from loving supportive homes, who've been ferried to football matches.
In the end, kids leave home and go out into the world. If their parents have done a crap job/the bare minimum, it's society that will pick up the pieces. It's ridiculous to say that any of us parent in a vacuum and it's only about ourselves!
I parent always with the thought in mind that my sons must go into the world and be good men...if other people genuinely only parent in their own self interest then I find that terribly sad.

@MsTSwift

Yes but you are doing that for your kids benefit kids you chose to bring into the world with all the effort that entails. It is not the same at all as being a volunteer coach / running a club for no pay for the children of strangers. I find this looking for congratulations for ordinary parenting obligations very strange. And you chose to have 3! Suck it up!

Is that directed at me? What a truly peculiar comment.

I chose to have 3 DC. I didn't choose to be a single parent! Not the point anyway.

You've missed my points. 1 The team as a whole couldn't function without committed team members and their parents. There's a lot required of us. 2. My DC happen to be pretty good. They are wanted by the coaches, and we are placed under a lot of pressure to be always available. Happy to be, just commenting on it's absolutely not a case of me dropping them & heading off, there's a big commitment from parents too, and coaches couldn't do what they do without it.

I greatly appreciate the coaches and ensure that I make that known.

You do it for your child. Like I do it for mine.

I do it for my children. Of course. I also do it for the sport & the community. (Especially in the case of our national sport). If I and other parents didn't, it wouldn't allow the sport to grow & thrive to senior level.

It's more than just 'my child'.

when your actions are entirely self motivated to directly benefit your own child

But they're not solely. My DC play for various clubs. Their involvement is also for their club, their teammates, to win matches & bring success to the club.

It's more than individual motivation. I cut short a family visit today to get the 3 DC back to their respective matches. We were all up early to make it back across the country.

It doesn't mean I don't also appreciate the coaches, I do. And we show that.

@JudesBiggestFan

Very good points, completely agree

Earrings I think thee doth protest too much

Exactly
Exhausting to read in fact!