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Original poster

I was out with a group of middle aged men last night

163 replies

DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 14:49

And I had a nice evening. We went to see a band in a pub and just by a fluke of who was/wasn't able to make it, I ended up being the only woman.

The youngest was 49 up to 57, I'm at the lower end. One single the rest either married or living with a partner. Two I've known since school although seen little of them in recent years, two I know through a hobby and two I didn't know at all until yesterday.

We all had a lot to drink, they were good company, but not overly charming (which I hate) they are all (I realised afterwards) in surprisingly good shape, not a beer belly between them, especially considering the beer that was consumed last night Grin and had made an effort to be pub smart for a Saturday night.

No one did or said anything inappropriate and no one even came close to making any kind of move on me.

There's no point to the post, except that this is my experience of most men. Have I lead some sort of charmed life or is the picture often painted on here reality for the majority?

OP posts:
Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 14:54

Oh and if it makes a difference, I'm a widow, which according to a number of threads on here makes me appear easy prey.

OP posts:
x2boys · 20/02/2022 14:54

That's my experience too but this is Mumsnet so ..

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/02/2022 14:56

Yep that sounds pretty normal!

Betty000 · 20/02/2022 14:56

Yep, me too. This is mumsnet though so we have to hate all men Hmm

JaninaDuszejko · 20/02/2022 14:57

Gen X men are the best.

Cakequeen1988 · 20/02/2022 14:57

Most men are normal, it’s the idiots though that make themselves known!

ANameChangeAgain · 20/02/2022 14:59

Yes, its my experience too. The bad guys are a minority, the problem is we don't know who the bad guys are. I've worked in mostly male environments and in my late teens had an predominantly male friendship group. I used to be considered reasonably attractive but not once had a problem with any of them. The problems were always from randoms.

TheVolturi · 20/02/2022 15:00

Glad you had a lovely evening! Yeah, I think that most men are good.

GCAcademic · 20/02/2022 15:01

That just sounds like my male colleagues, who are all lovely.

x2boys · 20/02/2022 15:03

@ANameChangeAgain

Yes, its my experience too. The bad guys are a minority, the problem is we don't know who the bad guys are. I've worked in mostly male environments and in my late teens had an predominantly male friendship group. I used to be considered reasonably attractive but not once had a problem with any of them. The problems were always from randoms.
Yes definitely from random,s there are definitely some arse holes ,but most men I have met are just ordinary people trying to get through life.
DramaAlpaca · 20/02/2022 15:04

That is my experience too.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 15:06

Yes, I did 24 years in a male dominated industry and those people were mostly good too. I did experience some appalingly sexist attitudes from middle aged men when I was in my early 20s, but those men will be long retired, probably dead now. Even then it was sexist rather than predatory.

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 20/02/2022 15:10

That's mine and my husband's generation and yes, sounds pretty bog standard male behaviour to me. Maybe slight drunkenness but not even then have I encountered anything unduly dodgy.

dreamingbohemian · 20/02/2022 15:13

Sounds like my life but I don't think you can generalise to all men.

In my experience the 'good guys' and the 'bad guys' tend to hang out with each other, so if your friends/colleagues tend to be mostly 'good' then you won't see so much bad behaviour.

I've worked in male dominated industries that were horribly sexist and abusive, and others where I never experienced any sexism at all.

There are male friendship groups that love to go to strip clubs and drink all night and cheat on their wives, luckily my DH and his friends aren't like that at all.

Bellalastrasse · 20/02/2022 15:13

The thing is these men are decent to us who they know but are they the same guys who when in all male environments or at work when challenged by a woman the other side comes out? I don’t think all of them do personally but some must no?

I am thinking about someone I know who is married to a ‘good husband/father’ type all very good but the same man was horrendously sexist and predatory around women when on drugs. She didn’t see that side of him but other women did.

It’s hard to call, isn’t it?

dgirluk · 20/02/2022 15:29

I really don't subscribe to the "all men are b*stards" at all - like anybody, there are good ones and bad ones. But I will say that I work in a male dominated industry and I've seen really bad behaviour from men who are charming and lovely to their wives and children. They are sociable, intelligent, great company. But can also be dishonest, have affairs, and be quite rotten really.

I'm mid 40's now but it put me off getting married for a while, because I thought, how can I tell how a man who's lovely on one hand, is a nightmare on the other - how could I tell? Are they all like this ????

They definitely aren't all like that, happily!

Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 15:30

Yes, I'm sure men can be good at home and letches when out on the beer, but these men were out with the lads last night.

OP posts:
dworky · 20/02/2022 15:31

It's circle the oestrogen wagons around men, day.

MsTSwift · 20/02/2022 15:32

When I was in my twenties in massive law firm the majority of male partners were genuinely decent family men. There was a hardcore minority who were “shaggers” and always would be. God help any woman unlucky to marry one of them.

Lesperance · 20/02/2022 15:33

You posted it, but it's not very interesting is it? You only posted it because you have read other types of messages on here where men don't come over so well. That's because people don't usually post to write about what is normal and not bothering them. It doesn't mean there are not people up and down the country who regularly have the experience you have, it just means they have no reason to post about it on mumsnet.

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 20/02/2022 15:34

I'm a bit confused about your point. You think because a group of friends weren't rude/misogynist/abusive to you on one night out then it follows that most men treat women well all the time Confused

I can't believe I'm even having to type this but people modulate their behaviour.

Taking this to an extreme - if abusers, violent people, thieves (insert any criminal or unacceptable behaviour) acted the same way all the time to all the people then it would be very simple to find and catch criminals; to stop abusive behaviour before it started.
That's not how life works. I can't quite believe you've reached the age you have without realising that. It's like saying no man has ever murdered anyone because he didn't murder his mum ... or best friend ... or his female friend. Can you see how ludicruous that sounds? Or teens never swear because they don't swear in front of their mums? Or racists aren't racist because they manage not to be racist at work?

Alexandra83190 · 20/02/2022 15:34

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Gwenhwyfar · 20/02/2022 15:34

Normal for me, but that's because men don't fancy me.

MrsBerthaRochester · 20/02/2022 15:35

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IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 20/02/2022 15:38

Is your point that other women are liars when they say they have been mistreated? Or are they 'oversensitive'?
Abusers groom their allies as carefully as they groom their victims, that's how they operate.

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