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Original poster

I was out with a group of middle aged men last night

163 replies

DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 14:49

And I had a nice evening. We went to see a band in a pub and just by a fluke of who was/wasn't able to make it, I ended up being the only woman.

The youngest was 49 up to 57, I'm at the lower end. One single the rest either married or living with a partner. Two I've known since school although seen little of them in recent years, two I know through a hobby and two I didn't know at all until yesterday.

We all had a lot to drink, they were good company, but not overly charming (which I hate) they are all (I realised afterwards) in surprisingly good shape, not a beer belly between them, especially considering the beer that was consumed last night Grin and had made an effort to be pub smart for a Saturday night.

No one did or said anything inappropriate and no one even came close to making any kind of move on me.

There's no point to the post, except that this is my experience of most men. Have I lead some sort of charmed life or is the picture often painted on here reality for the majority?

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/02/2022 17:15

@PlanetNormal

Sounds completely normal to me, too. I was out in a busy city centre pub last night watching the boxing. It was full of young and middle aged blokes. I was treated with courtesy and respect by all. I can only apologise for the fact that my experience doesn’t fit the misandrist MN narrative.
Yeah, that not usually interested in women while the matches are on. Its afterwards the 'fun' starts.
Bellalastrasse · 20/02/2022 17:15

@5128p

We are all capable if bad behaviour though. Where is the line drawn? If a man behaves badly when out and is drunk does that define him? I think it does but at the same time I am aware of the sheer volume of men that do that.I am also struggling with how this plays out in peoples minds because I realise that some of the people I consider badly behaved, aggressive, manipulative justify their behaviour by saying they are protecting themselves and are supported by the majority. What I mean is that most people view themselves against an idea of who they are, what they want to be - the old social standards of right and wrong seem to have gone. So someone can say it’s ok to be aggressive at work to get what you want because traditionally they or their identity have been excluded from successful roles. This is a weak argument to me yet I see it all the time in terms of what people tell themselves to justify their behaviour.

SlashBeef · 20/02/2022 17:16

I think I'm millennial and sadly a lot of my experienced with male peers aren't brilliant. Generally I really enjoy the company of gen x males over millennials.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 20/02/2022 17:17

Sounds like the men I know...... Mumsnet seems like a parallel universe to me...... And if we dare to say otherwise we get shot down for it. Confused

user1481840227 · 20/02/2022 17:19

Definitely not my experience at all.

There are a hell of a lot of awful men out there.

I know a few men who seem decent enough if they're on their own but they hang around with some of the sleaziest, creepiest men that I know and are well aware of their behaviour and don't seem to care...so they're all part of the problem.

BringMeTea · 20/02/2022 17:19

Don't mistake 'disagreed with' for 'shot down'. Flowers

EmoIsntDead · 20/02/2022 17:21

@LorelaiDeservedBetter

I'm a bit confused about your point. You think because a group of friends weren't rude/misogynist/abusive to you on one night out then it follows that most men treat women well all the time Confused

I can't believe I'm even having to type this but people modulate their behaviour.

Taking this to an extreme - if abusers, violent people, thieves (insert any criminal or unacceptable behaviour) acted the same way all the time to all the people then it would be very simple to find and catch criminals; to stop abusive behaviour before it started.
That's not how life works. I can't quite believe you've reached the age you have without realising that. It's like saying no man has ever murdered anyone because he didn't murder his mum ... or best friend ... or his female friend. Can you see how ludicruous that sounds? Or teens never swear because they don't swear in front of their mums? Or racists aren't racist because they manage not to be racist at work?

Absolutely.
DillonPanthersTexas · 20/02/2022 17:21

That's my experience of the man I hang around with, I tend to avoid being friends with dickheads.

I think that's the crux of it. I don't hang out with dickheads either so there is no need for me to police their behaviour.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/02/2022 17:24

I didn't realise this was a NAMALT thread when I posted. This is my experience of middle age men but when I was younger it was much more hit and miss. Used to socialise with some right letches.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/02/2022 17:26

I’m fascinated at all these men and women who just know their Male colleagues and friends are 100% good guys, I like men, I know some lovely guys but I never presume to know what they are like 100%, because relationships, marriage and friends relationships and marriages have taught me to never fully judge a book by its cover— sad I know, but at 60 you think you have heard it all- but never have.

RantyAunty · 20/02/2022 17:26

Well glad you settled that for all the women with your few hour several men anecdote.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 17:30

I've never once said I think all men are like this or even that the men I was with last night are always like this. I said this was my experience and asked if I've been exceptionally lucky or if my experience is more common than the very traumatic things some women have experienced at the hands of men.

Some people here have an agenda. I'm not one of them, I was just looking for light Sunday conversation on the human condition.

OP posts:
MrsBerthaRochester · 20/02/2022 17:30

[zwellers] how dare I? HOW DARE YOU. Creeping about a forum that should be a safe space for women and telling us our experiences are invalid? Off you fuck to Dadsnet.

BringMeTea · 20/02/2022 17:31

Uh huh. Smile

MeaCuppa · 20/02/2022 17:31

Some people here have an agenda. I'm not one of them,

Yeah Hmm

WetLookKnitwear · 20/02/2022 17:36

Forums like this are for venting op.

lljkk · 20/02/2022 17:36

OP can't speak about her good experiences of people (who happen to be men) without those statements "quietly" shaming women who had a different experience & want to talk about it... did I get that straight?

quietly shame women for speaking of their bad experiences of men...

The only sense I can make of that comment is to presume that PP thinks it's outrageous to ever say anything positive about any male person.

So that's MN nowadays. No one must EVER say anything nice about any person who happens to possess a penis. Simply intolerable.

Remember this MN rule when you want to say anything about your SONS.

SoItWas · 20/02/2022 17:38

Jonny1265

Yup, I had a friend whose stepdad couldn't top up the electric (hit bottom left button, type in code, hit bottom right button), never mind use a washing machine. He was in his 30's, we were teens, and had to cancel our plans, to go all the way back to her house, because it was beyond him. He'd be in his late 40's/early 50's now, and doubtless hasn't changed a bit.

My mum did my dads laundry, and now does my stepdads. Ex mil's does ex fil's (and I suspect she started doing my ex's again, when he moved out). My aunts/cousins do all the family laundry (on both sides of the family).

My boss used to joke you could tell which male clients were married, as their shirts were whiter and had actually been ironed/ironed well.

Even with the younger couples I know, 9/10 the woman starts to take over the laundry, when they move in together, or when the woman starts doing the laundry for their first baby/"the family".

Regularsizedrudy · 20/02/2022 17:39

Maybe next time you see them give them all a good boy sticker?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 20/02/2022 17:46

@PlanetNormal

Sounds completely normal to me, too. I was out in a busy city centre pub last night watching the boxing. It was full of young and middle aged blokes. I was treated with courtesy and respect by all. I can only apologise for the fact that my experience doesn’t fit the misandrist MN narrative.
Literally nobody has asked you to do this. And I think all of us have known/do know good men.

What makes me roll my eyes is the vibe of "this has never happened to me or other women I know" as if we should pipe down with our experiences.

I'm genuinely very happy so many other women haven't dealt with the shit I have. It reminds me there is hope. And also depressingly that the bad apples out there are very bloody busy.

BigFatLiar · 20/02/2022 17:47

@DetailMouse you'll not get a lot of support here though I would admit that I've spent most of my life hanging out with a group of men and I've always been treated well and never felt uncomfortable with them. I've always had more problems with women, sexist behaviour, drunkenness, foul language etc.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 20/02/2022 17:49

Sport is an interesting factor in abuse. I've read in a few sources (none to hand, sorry) that domestic violence often spikes around key games in many sporting events. Maybe some of those nice chaps at the boxing show a different side to the women in their life when they get home.

dottydodah · 20/02/2022 17:49

Im glad you had a nice time this is my age group too .However I (despite being short and not exactly slim!) seem to attract all kinds of random attention from a guy in SB making suggestive comments to me while shopping!(luckily not with my DD but still) ,to a guy smiling at me in the pub when with my SON FFS! Apart from all those "Little comments "of course! Obv not all men are like this ,but just pisses me off that women are seen as "fair game"if we call them out .of course we "cant take a joke,whats wrong with us"

Crikeyalmighty · 20/02/2022 17:54

Following on from my post above I can honestly say I’ve never as an adult women had a disrespectful experience when out socialising with a bunch of middle aged guys — my experience of disrespectful behaviour has always been behind closed doors in relationships/marriage— if you haven’t experienced it in a relationship context OP you are indeed a lucky lady.

Cameleongirl · 20/02/2022 17:54

What makes me roll my eyes is the vibe of "this has never happened to me or other women I know" as if we should pipe down with our experiences.

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding the original post, but I don't think the OP was saying that she's never experienced anything bad. I've been surrounded and sexually assaulted by a group of men (luckily other people heard my yells before anything worse happened), felt up on public transport, and followed, but I still think that most of the men I know IRL wouldn't do this.

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