Page 5 | When did weddings stop being family occasions?

Quackpot · 2022-02-18T21:51:14+00:00

Just that really. Child free weddings are boring

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/02/2022 06:06

@RJnomore1

Don’t any of you have children you love?

Well that's the stupidest comment I've seen. So if someone attends a wedding without their children, they just not love them. How about, they simply aren't that entitled to think that every occasion should involve their child. And realise that a wedding is about the bride and groom and their family, not everyone else's. I'm a mother but expecting your child to be invited to a wedding simply because you are, smacks of entitlement. Child free weddings are great fun, and there's no screaming or talking child through the ceremony or speech, that the adults won't take outside.

Imdonna · 19/02/2022 06:13

Love that people talk about weddings bej g performative, I agree to a certain extent. Some weddings are, but if the people who are paying for it want that, they can crack imo.

But let's not pretend alot of the parents who are desperate for their kids to attend everything are not driven by the same. They want their kids, cooed over in their lovely outfits. They see it as a chance for their kids to see relatives, that the parents don't really think are important enough to actually visit, ever. They have this vision of their kids on the dance floor with everyone being in awe of the child's presence and attempts at dancing. They want comments on how well behaved their little one has been. They imagine to have plenty of the focus on their kids.

Imagine thinking an event won't be any fun unless your own little darling attends.

Cyclingforcake · 19/02/2022 06:20

As I say frequently on these threads my parents got married in 1971 - child free wedding except the obligatory niece as bridesmaid - as was utterly traditional among all the social circle at the time.

Tickledtrout · 19/02/2022 06:34

@Bullandbush

I don't think weddings in general are as nice now. Years ago people got married younger, they didn't already have dc and most didn't have a lot of money. A wedding gift was something really appreciated. Families mucked in to give their dc a good day. And people didn't get in debt to get married.

Now it's hen dos and stags in expensive locations.
5k wedding dresses and matching platinum rings, venues in castles or smart hotels.

And it's always the most important day of their life and everything has to be perfect.

The only important bit of the day is the legal contract you make.
People forget this because they're focused on perfection in unnecessary details.

Weddings aren't family occasions anymore they're 3 ring circuses.

This

MumWithYOPD · 19/02/2022 06:37

The only child at my wedding was my 18mo niece. None of our friends had children and apart from her there were no children in our extended families. What should I have done? Got the local brownies from the church to attend?

bigred22 · 19/02/2022 06:38

Weddings don't have to be family affairs (and definitely not community affairs!) if the B&G are closer to their friends than relatives why would they all of a sudden ensure family are pleased above all else.

If people want to get married and invite 1,10,50, 100 or 0 children, it's up to them. If they want to have it at a fancy ££££ place which may or may not get them in debt, again their decision. Abroad hen and stags? Cool, enjoy yourself! If you get invited to any of these and they don't suit, then don't go- there are so many guests invited, you're never going to please everyone.

it's not fair for guests to expect the B&G to cater purely to their own wants and it doesn't give you any more of a say on someone's day just because you're family.

And no, I haven't had a ££££ child free wedding and given that option I probably wouldn't but I'm not entitled when I get invited to one either.

shivbo2014 · 19/02/2022 06:39

I agree I always think of weddings as big family occasions and think it's lovely seeing lots of kids dressed up running round having fun. The ones I've been too usually have a separate room with some kids activities and a movie later in the evening. My little girl loves a wedding. The excitement of staying at a hotel, dressing up etc.

imamumgetmeoutofhere · 19/02/2022 06:40

As a mother myself I love a child free wedding. Means we can relax and enjoy the day with our friends / family without the responsibility

SnakeLinguine · 19/02/2022 06:47

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I can remember my parents going to weddings without me, in the 90s.

The first wedding I attended was my best friends when I was 23.

I certainly remember my parents going to weddings without us in the late 70s and 80s.

But yes, in general, I think it’s the couple paying for their own wedding meaning that there are fewer ‘should s’ on the guest list.

Cocogreen · 19/02/2022 06:47

Wedding receptions are so expensive why would you invite 10-20 children and have to pay all that money for their seat and dinner when they'd be bored and probably not eat the food?
At a more casual wedding kids are fine ( outside, at home, where they can run around) but at a more formal venue - no.
I've been to a few weddings where our kids were welcome at the church and then we took them home to be babysat for the evening reception.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/02/2022 06:48

Child free weddings were 'a thing' when we got married 35 years ago, it's not new.
Usually children of immediate family (nephews/nieces) or young cousins included but not the children of friends.
This was the decision we also took mainly because the venue had limited numbers, so children of friends would have taken the place of friends. We only had one couple refuse because of that.
I have never been to a boring child free wedding, not sure how you equate those two things OP?

TimBoothseyes · 19/02/2022 06:56

@RJnomore1

Don’t any of you have children you love?

Yes, but just because I found her cute and funny when she was young (I still do now she's an adult btw), I'm not arrogant enough to presume everybody else did.

yikesanotherbooboo · 19/02/2022 07:19

I like the symbolism of the whole family celebrating a marriage from the ancient to the newest member..in general a wedding isn't fun in the same way for the children of friends and many (most?)parents would prefer to attend without the distraction of their children.I really don't recognise the characterisation of babies as screaming nuisances with tone deaf parents sticking it out in the church , and I have b en to dozens of weddings with babies in attendance.
To sum up, I don't think child free weddings are boring but children can enhance the occasion. I also think that the B and G have a responsibility to their guests and that babes in arms or the DC of parents who have spent hundreds and sometimes thousands of pounds to attend should be accommodated if this is the only practical option.

TreesoftheField · 19/02/2022 07:28

We had our 11 nephews and nieces, 3 babies in arms too small to be left and my cousins son who I was particularly close to.
I did not invite my 15 other cousins children as that would have been about 20 more!!

We were limited to 100 and wanted friends there as well as our huge family. Can't fit more than 100 in my village church.

HumunaHey · 19/02/2022 07:30

@Zilla1

When it became increasingly a vehicle for performative display where everything had to be special, unique and better rather than a celebration.

Agree.

whiteroseredrose · 19/02/2022 07:34

But if you go to a friend's wedding it isn't your own friends and family that are there, it's the bride and groom's friends and family. And yes, having to make small talk with them can be boring!

The child free weddings that we went to tended to be glamorous events, in posh venues, mainly with B&G's friends rather than wider family.

The more fun ones had elderly great grandmas doing the chicken dance or the macarena, and a mixed group of cousins delightedly jumping about together. Venues were church halls or a marquee in the garden. I preferred those because the overall feel was exuberant joy rather than sophistication.

GrendelsGrandma · 19/02/2022 07:35

When weddings became less about cramming people in a church hall with a load of sandwiches and more about an elaborate and expensive show designed to look good on camera.

ArcheryAnnie · 19/02/2022 07:36

One of the enjoyable things at the big family weddings that I went to when my DS was a lot younger is that he got to hang out with the wider groups of young cousins and second cousins, etc - they all ran around in a pack while we adults had a good time. These were cousins that we weren't particularly close to, so wouldn't do a special visit, but it's a joy for him (and me) to hang out with them.

Cavagirl · 19/02/2022 07:45

What is going on there's about 3 threads a week on this at the moment?!?!

Is it because weddings are happening again now covid is "over"? Should I try to be happy for the dull tedium of Yet Another childfree wedding thread as a sign that life is returning to normal, like a packed commuter train??

mariotime · 19/02/2022 07:47

@RJnomore1
I've got great relationships with the children of friends and family. I enjoy spending time with them and getting to know them. I like kids in general but I don't agree that kids are central to big celebrations like weddings.

I had children at my first wedding, they made up about 20% of my fairly small guest list. Some I still see but there were children there I'd never met before and have barely seen since (kids of childhood friends).

I really don't see how they enhanced my day at all but because I invited them there were 10-15 other people I couldn't invite. People I knew well and would have liked to celebrate with.

I had two flower girls. They came to the service, did photos, played in the garden whilst it was light and then their grandparents came and took them home.
Perfect except I'd had to include them in numbers.

Then you're left with the dreaded evening invite option that mumsnet hates.
All the people you want there but couldn't because of all the bloody kids can now come and party.

Avarua · 19/02/2022 07:48

Wedding receptions are usually in the evening; kids start going off to bed at 7 usually. Weddings often involve a lot of drinking; kids shouldn't be round drunk adults.

Not sure why people think they're suitable events for kids at all.

mariotime · 19/02/2022 07:50

@ArcheryAnnie

One of the enjoyable things at the big family weddings that I went to when my DS was a lot younger is that he got to hang out with the wider groups of young cousins and second cousins, etc - they all ran around in a pack while we adults had a good time. These were cousins that we weren't particularly close to, so wouldn't do a special visit, but it's a joy for him (and me) to hang out with them.

The thought of feral children running round in a pack at my wedding is exactly why I wouldn't invite them again. Why do you think that's cute or fun? It's not. I remember those weddings from childhood. Relatives getting twatted and tripping over annoying children. Urgh.

Cocomelonearworm · 19/02/2022 07:54

We had kids at our wedding and I loved it. It meant that everyone could attend regardless of childcare and from my pov as the bride none of the kids were the slightest bit disruptive. Apparently there was some noise during the service but I didn't notice it as I was too wrapped up in the ceremony.

I loved having my cousins' kids running around at the reception. It made it feel like a big, family-friendly Italian-style affair rather than something serious for grown-ups. Appreciate that's just my view though.

TarcasticSwat · 19/02/2022 07:55

@GrendelsGrandma

When weddings became less about cramming people in a church hall with a load of sandwiches and more about an elaborate and expensive show designed to look good on camera.

Showing your age Grandma!

"Back in my day..."

BogRollBOGOF · 19/02/2022 08:04

Family children were non-negotiable if we wanted to have family there. For family, and all but our most local friends, it was a distance wedding and expecting siblings in-law to attend without their children would have been deeply impractical.

We talked to friends. If they could and were happy to have babysitters that was great, but no one was put in the position of having to decline and the conversations took place before the invitations were sent.

Capacity was our issue and it was hard enough finding a hotel for 100 and there were limited options to go bigger. We invited guests in batches, so family, friends then colleagues so we could see where the ground lay on capacity.

The Brownies did parade at the church
Some church congregation also turned up which was lovely.
An IL did a reading and toddler DN came up and tagged along. It was very sweet and added poigniancy to the words "when I was a child, I acted like a child". Not in the plan, but a beautiful, spontaneous moment.

Child-free weddings are very much "know your audience"
If the wedding is very small and intimate that's one thing, but the upset creeps in when couples are unrealistic about the needs of their family and close friends.