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Original poster

Booked to visit friends, now asked to book an airbnb

195 replies

nellienellie · 10/02/2022 08:53

Just the title really. These are old old friends of dh.

They live in Madrid. Dh and I are on a bit of a budget this year. When he was passing through Madrid on a work trip, he met up with them. And they said "please please, come and stay with us". So DH and I thought, well if the accommodation is covered then we could go out and have a break. Obviously we would have taken them to dinner as thanks.

Dh organised it, and it was clear that we'd be staying with them. They warned that it is a sofa bed (for 3 nights that's not an issue).

We booked our flights and train travel. Then they text dh saying they'd been having a think, and it might be quite squished, so maybe we could look into getting an airbnb?

They didn't say that we couldn't stay with them full stop. But now if we reply asking to stay with them, we will feel like an imposition.

Why agree to host someone if you don't actually mean it? Especially after we booked travel. For what it's worth, they are due to come over here shortly and we were going to offer our spare bedroom.

DH really isn't keen to ask 'oh is it ok if we stay with you actually, we are looking to save money' as he is embarrassed about admitting that we aren't flush. He was at university with them, and they have since done a lot better financially than we have (career break due to kids).

OP posts:

OnlyAFleshWound · 10/02/2022 18:04

@Opus17

They've said you must come stay. They've said it's a sofa bed, hope that's ok. Now they're saying you can't stay. What arseholes. I'd cancel and reduce contact with people like that.

I think they've said to her husband, "oh, you must stay with us next time you're here for work". And that's been interpreted as "it's fine for the entire family to turn up for a holiday".

Some people don't take hints...

BadgerStripes · 10/02/2022 18:10

Be honest with them, tell them you can’t afford it

WombatChocolate · 10/02/2022 18:11

Either way, this friendship has been seriously compromised and probably spoiled.

If you now cancel and say you’re not coming, you will feel aggrieved about the whole thing. They might feel a bit offended you don’t come.
OR
If you say you’d like to stay with them and don’t mind it being cramped and/mention tight budget, you’ll feel awkward being there and unwelcome. They might feel imposed upon.
OR
You book the Airbnb and feel aggrieved about the extra expense you hadn’t budgeted for.

The poor thing in this having offered soace on a sofa, which you accepted and the travel on the basis of, they then pulled the accommodation offer. You’d already incurred the costs. If you want to re-think an offer of accommodation, you do it BEFORE someone books their travel.

Of course, it could be that OP had a vague conversation about staying and booked the travel without confirming it all.

Lesson to learn - never book travel until you’ve had a detailed conversation with friend who has offered accommodation. Make sure it is clear how long they are happy to have you, know who is coming and there’s a SNES elf how much time/hospitality will be available and how much you’ll be fending for yourself. Check that they have discussed it with their spouse before booking travel. If necessary, have the conversation and finish it with ‘well I know you’re saying it’s all good, but please would you just chat with DH first and then drop me a message before we book the travel. We’d love to come, but would feel happier giving you a chance to talk it over first. And no problem if it isn’t doable’

When you’re accepting hospitality over several days, and especially if it’s in a popular location where lots of people might visit, it’s really important to follow-up on what can be general and vague offers made, and make sure the details are clear and everyone in the household is onboard. Too often you hear of one spouse offering generously without discussing it with the other and the other really isn’t happy. Rescinding offers isn’t good, but I think a guest needs to check the offer is fully thought out and made by the whole house.

In this scenario it sounds like the friend made an offer without thinking it through and fully discussing with spouse. This was their error. In this situation and if friends had booked travel, I would honour the original offer, but think more carefully in future. Some people are flakey though and make plans and do cancel plans left right and centre, with no real thought to how it affects others.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Holidays

SunshineCake1 · 10/02/2022 18:15

I would cancel. No shame I'm not having or wanting to spend money on a hotel unexpectedly.

NalPolishRemover · 10/02/2022 18:32

OP Madrid is fabulous! I'd book a cheap apartment in the heart of city & go & enjoy the sights. And I wouldn't be too bothered about going out of my way to meet up with the 'friends'
Go & have a great time

CrappyXmasMarket · 10/02/2022 18:41

Depends what the deal is with flights. If they're refundable, I'd get your money back. If they're not refundable but you can change them without penalty I'd delay the holiday so you can save up. Otherwise I'd scrape the money together for accommodation and make a point of not meeting up with the friends. Madrid is lovely, you can definitely have a nice time on a budget.

unlikelytobe · 10/02/2022 18:52

Personally I wouldn't take the offer of a few nights on a sofa bed to be code for 'don't want you here really'. I expect a lot of smaller flats in Madrid have people to stay this way and if you're out and about for much of the day it shouldn't be a big problem but that's me. Depends on how well you know them, the layout of the flat, their lifestyle.

Still go but get some affordable accommodation asap and meet up with them once or twice. There's plenty to do and see in Madrid.

IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2022 18:55

[quote OnlyAFleshWound]@HoppingGreen
Absolutely do this That will confuse them

It certainly will. They live in Madrid...[/quote]
😂😂😂

Delatron · 10/02/2022 18:56

Was it both of them who invited you or just the DH? My DH has form for this. Inviting random people to stay without checking with me. Then he sheepishly has to cancel them.

Did you check back in with them before booking? Asked them if they were sure it was ok? With both of them not just the DH? If so then yes very bad form from them. Can you move the flight until later in the year and save up for a nice holiday. Or change the destination?

Don’t go and stay in their sofa bed though!

Happy36 · 10/02/2022 18:59

Madrid isn't expensive, you can get a private room in a hostel or an Ibis style hotel inexpensively. It's a lovely city to visit and you will find loads to do there. Also very cheap to eat, drink, and travel around.

KaptainKaveman · 10/02/2022 19:01

OP are you intending to take you dc with you?

DSGR · 10/02/2022 19:04

I’d just book a cheap air b n b if it was me and enjoy the trip! Squishing four adults into a tiny place isn’t much fun! You’ll have a better time with your own space.

user1460561714 · 10/02/2022 19:07

Having lived abroad and had many visitors come to stay, I’m with your friends on this one! Their home is not a holiday home and maybe they work from home and the reality of an extra couple staying & all using the same bathroom, living space, kitchen etc, is too much. We almost always (apart from parents) asked friends to book separate Accomodation.

MothExterminator · 10/02/2022 19:08

@nellienellie Can I just put forward a different perspective?

If they are well off, they may not consider that other people may need to watch the pennies. Maybe they feel that they can’t host in style and therefore suggest what they think is better? Especially if your DH never communicated that you are saving money?

I am just saying this because once upon a time (before children when money got more tight) I was cooking with some people I didn’t know very well (common hobby trip, long story). I still remember suggesting two bottles of wine for about £10 and being told that it was too expensive. The thought hadn’t struck me and I felt really stupid.

Is there any way of confirming before ruining a friendship?

pictish · 10/02/2022 19:11

If you can get your money back, cancel. Unless you really really want to go to Madrid of course. If there’s somewhere you’d rather, might as well spend out on that instead.
They reneged, who knows why…but I wouldn’t be flying out to see them.

pictish · 10/02/2022 19:12

@user1460561714

All true…but what’s with the ‘please come and stay with us’ then?

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 10/02/2022 19:20

@Nightlystroll I agree with you about the insincere invitations.

My mother was German and when she first came to the UK, people always told her to pop over for coffee whenever she felt like it. So she did and was visibly puzzled by their blatant irritation and unwelcoming attitude.

She was a very proper person and was mortified that she had misread the invitation. But who's to know?

EileenGC · 10/02/2022 19:25

I expect they just said ,come and stay with us ,to be polite ,and never really expected you to take them up on it .

Are the Madrid couple British, Spanish, or something else?

This ‘offering but expecting you not to take them up on it’ is a British thing (and maybe other places’ too, I don’t know. You shouldn’t offer something, just to be polite, unless you mean it.

I’ve lived in a few other countries, on top of the UK and my native Spain, and outside the UK people actually mean it when they’re offering something. You don’t worry about offending anyone if you accept the offer. Warning guests there’s only a sofa bed available wouldn’t be seen as ‘code’ for saying we’d rather not have you over.

And if the host’s message is also not straight forward. If you don’t want someone staying over, just tell them so. Don’t suggest they might be more comfortable in an Airbnb, etc. Just be a grown up and tell them, it’s not rude to be assertive.

Livelovebehappy · 10/02/2022 19:32

Airbnb can be pretty cheap. Have a look and check out the prices. Especially just three nights, the cost won't be huge.

Queenbee77 · 10/02/2022 19:35

I take my children to different play parks all the time for variety. We also have most things in out own garden too! Except the roundabout. I have never even thought it would be something thats not ok. Seriously? It doesnt belong to that particular housing estate, its council and we all pay our taxes....why shouldnt we use any pkayground we want? Not gonna stop me. Jeez.....there are simply tons of playgrounds around here and we have uaed them all as they are all different.

user1471443411 · 10/02/2022 19:36

I'd cancel if you could get your flight money back, and give whatever excuse makes life easier for you (maybe say you couldn't find any suitable alternative accommodation at the right price). If you can't cancel, or fancy going to Madrid anyway, I'd see if you can book a nice B&B or small hotel, but I wouldn't go out of your way to see your friends, maybe make a big deal of fitting them in for a meal in between your sight-seeing tours. Also, be the first to leave and leave barely enough money to cover the cost of your meal - actually on second thoughts this idea might not work out quite as funny as I picture it in my head.

Lifeismeh · 10/02/2022 19:40

I’d probably be honest in this situation and say you had only booked it as there offer of accommodation eas there, thank them for the original offer and then cancel if you can’t afford it.

erinaceus · 10/02/2022 19:47

This sounds like an awkward situation. For example it could represent one half of the couple gamely agreeing to host you and the other one having a strong preference not to do this, something like that.

In this situation: establish the facts. Are your travel tickets refundable, or a sunk cost? If they are refundable, calling the whole thing off might be your best bet.

If they are not refundable, I do appreciate that your DH feels a bit embarrassed to disclose that staying at an Air BnB will be a financial stretch for you, but it might be better to explain that you cannot afford accommodation as well as travel. Are you able to (for example) afford one night in a cheap hotel and a couple of nights at theirs, or similar? Would you want to? I do agree that it is improper to offer a sofa bed then withdraw the offer after your guests have booked travel, that is their bad. Please, if you are able, do not feel embarrassed at your differing financial situations.

DripDrip · 10/02/2022 19:47

To be honest dinner for 4 people would cost the equivalent of at least one night stay. Can you fund the remaining 2 nights? Life is too short and if you can make it work, you won’t regret it. Cities like Madrid can be as expensive or budget friendly as you like. Just check if you really can’t find anywhere to stay within budget.

Etten · 10/02/2022 20:11

Can you switch the flights to Valencia. Great city and some very good budget accommodation.

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