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Original poster

my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

262 replies

brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 15:17

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

OP posts:
Ursusmajor · 12/02/2022 18:26

When he was talking about ´visiting you and the dog’ a few times a week I thought the baby was conspicuously absent. He’s not even thinking ahead 5 months. Chuck him out to his family for the time being. Tell them why.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2022 18:56

Was the 500 quid definitely for the car? Because the staying out screams 'hotel' to me.

pompomseverywhere · 12/02/2022 19:01

I would start by telling his family and some of your friends. It will help to get a perspective from real people in your lives. Leave your family for now until you feel ready. (Unless they might find out from others).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy Relationship problems
CaitoftheCantii · 12/02/2022 19:38

He is stealing from your daughter. Come on OP, lock him out, tell his family, put your daughter first. The more stressed you are, the more stressed the baby will be as well. You owe it to her to act now. No one could ever criticise you for doing so.

1FootInTheRave · 12/02/2022 20:16

It's over.

Grumpsy · 13/02/2022 07:09

@Ursusmajor

Although he may have freaked out for the same reasons even if he is the biological father as well as the social/legal father.
Whether he’s freaked out or not, it doesn’t give him a get a free pass to act like the worlds biggest ass.

Op tell someone you know so that you have support, go and see a solicitor before your daughter is born, and personally I’d ring his parents/family and let them know what he’s been up to and that his proposed solution to this is that you facilitate his behaviour.

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 13/02/2022 07:29

I have old my best friend. I haven’t yet told his family, I am speaking to a solicitor this week.
He invited me out with him last night to the cinema and for food.
I know he was really in a hotel with her, because I am not stupid and he let slip her took her home in the morning and added another friend in after the event, but I’ve not been wrong about this so far.

Solicitor advise on Wednesday

OP posts:
CaveMum · 13/02/2022 07:46

Oh OP he’s an absolute shit, he’s trying to keep you sweet so that when the OW realises he’s not such a great catch after all he can come crawling back to you.

You need to grey rock him now. If you can’t bring yourself to tell him to leave then you need to ignore him. Don’t engage in conversation with him, don’t cook for him don’t wash his clothes or clean up after him, etc. You need distance.

Good luck with the solicitor, I hope they can give you the answers you need to get things moving on a divorce.

RainbowToes · 13/02/2022 08:39

I'm a single mum. I wish I had ended my marriage far sooner than I actually did. Looking after my daughter by myself when she was born would have been easier, her dad contributed zero. I did it all. You sound incredible able to look after yourself and your baby. Definitely get all the solicitor paperwork done now. Tell him to leave.
Then you can enjoy your lovely baby when she arrives.
Taking money out of your baby's bank account is a very low low. Do not tolerate one more second of his awful behaviour.

pompomseverywhere · 13/02/2022 10:54

It never ceases to amaze me what a bunch of bastards there are out there. Tell the solicitor you want them to be ruthless and go for the jugular. Leave him with as little as possible and publicly shame him. Ensure his family and work get to find out. I'm absolutely mad as a snake on your behalf.

MamaJoRo · 13/02/2022 11:27

@brokenmumtobe so sorry to read this. I hope you are eating and sleeping and being very kind to yourself.

If you can, I would suggest getting as much objective professional advice as possible; therapist and solicitor firstly. You do not need to decide anything now (although your gut may already have ideas) however legal information on where you stand may help you.

I note you say this was out of character, this must be such a shock to you.

Couples therapy could help, even if that transpires as help to separate, however going takes willingness on both sides.

My advice would be to focus now on meeting you immediate and future practical and emotional needs and specifically focusing on navigating this time to mitigate its future impact (lots of tears, support, acceptance of the facts on the ground). It may be comforting to think of all those who have gone through terrible upsets before us and managed and come out the other side happy and well.

There is a wonderful book called When Things Fall Apart which may help although you may want to leave a bit more time to process where you are at first.

Take care of yourself

Grumpsy · 13/02/2022 11:37

Op - so glad you have taken steps to protect yourself and your daughter.

See how it goes with the solicitors advice on Wednesday, my gut feeling is that he won’t come out of a divorce settlement as well as he thinks he will given that it’s a short marriage.

Take care of you and your daughter OP - I am so sorry that that poor excuse for a human has out you in this position Flowers

nicesausages · 14/02/2022 06:54

Your priority has to be sorting this out now and you need to firmly boot him out. When the baby arrives, you will not have the emotional or physical energy to deal with anything else. You will find inner strength to to this that you perhaps never knew you had before.

Newestname002 · 14/02/2022 10:15

Taking money out of your baby's bank account is a very low low. Do not tolerate one more second of his awful behaviour.

Agreed. @brokenmumtobe remove any risk of him withdrawing any more funds by changing any passwords you have to personal bank accounts, email accounts etc. Change the password to your baby's account or remove it all, and open a separate account which he will have no access to. Change the password to your computer and unsync it from other devices. Change the pin-code on your smartphone.

When you speak to your solicitor on Wednesday, have the details to the Deed of Trust anything similar with you, plus discuss changing your Will with immediate effect. Have as much financial information for both you and your husband for your solicitor's meeting.

Regarding work: ensure you change the beneficiary to your death in service benefits and, if he's named on your occupational pension as a beneficiary see if you can change that to your child, with all finances held securely in trust in case something happened to you.

Good luck OP. 🌹

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 14/02/2022 10:32

Gather your strength and dignity and kick him out.

TheWeeDonkey · 14/02/2022 12:42

A situation like this happened at my very first job. Manager with pregnant wife had a fling with my much younger colleague. She was just taking him for a ride it was a bit of fun for her but he seemed to completely lose his mind. It was embarrassing really. Anyway when his wife found out he started siphoning off money and saving it in this girl's bank account, of course she kept the money and dumped him. Not much he could do about it. He ended up losing his family and lots of money because his head was turned by a pretty girl.

Keep your wits about you. Don't trust him, he is no longer your friend. Trust your gut and keep your boundaries 💐

willieversleep · 16/02/2022 23:07

How did the solicitors meeting go?

booplefloof · 16/02/2022 23:15

Hope solicitors went ok

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 17/02/2022 06:25

To be honest… not as I hoped, 50% of everything and he could claim financial hardship.
She suggested putting some of the money back as it’s gained in marriage so owing to him also.
Basically until baby is here he gets 50% regardless… 😢 it’s a short marriage so easy to sort but from April adultery is no longer reason for divorce - so at the moment.. he’d get 72.5k from the marriage and I really am not happy with that at all… so thinking

OP posts:
buddylicious · 17/02/2022 06:35

Don't feel guilty that your daughter will be brought up without a father.

It's better than her being brought up in an unhappy and anxious home.

Never allow your daughter to see that a woman should put up with this from her partner. Kick him out now!

AdultingInTheCountryside · 17/02/2022 06:37

Tell him to fuck off

solbunny · 17/02/2022 07:22

Hi OP I'm afraid I don't have much useful to add about the divorce proceedings, but I just wanted to send you a message about the guilt for your daughter you mentioned in your early posts. Growing up I was your daughter and my mum was you, except she decided to stay with my dad. It was a very bad family dynamic to grow up in and eventually I showed my mum proof of the multiple affairs my dad continued to have and they divorced when I was 14. I have always wished and wished that they just separated when I was a baby. It would have made life so much easier for me, and it would have spared my mum's spirit (and finances!) being trampled on for over a decade. I have such guilt over the fact that my mum went through all that for my sake. The feeling of guilt started when I was young, before they even split, because I knew that our difficult family dynamic was my "fault".

I turned out alright, though and am close to both parents still. What I'm trying to say is that if you raise your baby with love and care that's the main thing, and it will turn out okay. But from my perspective, parents sticking out a dysfunctional relationship isn't what's best for the child. You're doing the right thing so feel no guilt or shame x

wishuponastar11 · 17/02/2022 07:24

@brokenmumtobe

To be honest… not as I hoped, 50% of everything and he could claim financial hardship. She suggested putting some of the money back as it’s gained in marriage so owing to him also. Basically until baby is here he gets 50% regardless… 😢 it’s a short marriage so easy to sort but from April adultery is no longer reason for divorce - so at the moment.. he’d get 72.5k from the marriage and I really am not happy with that at all… so thinking
I'm really sorry, that's so so shit.

Even though the legal/financial side of it isn't as ideal as you'd like, I'd still say the emotional side trumps that and you'd be best getting him to leave now.

As others have said, it gives you 20 weeks to get things practically sorted and get your head sorted before baby comes. The early days are all-consuming and you will be vulnerable, you really want things in place before then.

You've had lots of good practical advice on here, but not so much emotional advice. I really hope you're ok, your emotions must be everywhere right now. Have you got a good support network? Could you speak to your GP or midwife for some support?

Mix56 · 17/02/2022 07:46

Its a relatively short marriage, I'm surprised its 50%
Tell everyone. Including his boss.
Tell him you have seen a sol. & he will NOT get half if your money. Throw him out.
Tell him you'll pay him a (small) lump sum, & he can fuck off with this girl. (to crawl back under a rock)
This has to end. You will never be happy with him now.
Dont put his name on the birth certificate, he doesn't deserve it

Grumpsy · 17/02/2022 07:55

@Mix56

Its a relatively short marriage, I'm surprised its 50% Tell everyone. Including his boss. Tell him you have seen a sol. & he will NOT get half if your money. Throw him out. Tell him you'll pay him a (small) lump sum, & he can fuck off with this girl. (to crawl back under a rock) This has to end. You will never be happy with him now. Dont put his name on the birth certificate, he doesn't deserve it
Not putting his name on the birth certificate would be childish behaviour, and it wouldn’t last long.

This is an ivf baby so it would take him minutes to prove he is the father, and baby’s birth would be registered again with his name on the birth certificate anyway.