my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

[brokenmumtobe]

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

My midwife is aware and says this is not uncommon sadly… I have some amazing friends who I am sure are sick of me now, but feel stronger every day, then some days I don’t. I am sure I’ll get there! Thank you all x

@brokenmumtobe

To be honest… not as I hoped, 50% of everything and he could claim financial hardship. She suggested putting some of the money back as it’s gained in marriage so owing to him also. Basically until baby is here he gets 50% regardless… 😢 it’s a short marriage so easy to sort but from April adultery is no longer reason for divorce - so at the moment.. he’d get 72.5k from the marriage and I really am not happy with that at all… so thinking

From what I understand, adultery had nothing to do with a financial settlement anyway, there's no 'cheating penalty' in a divorce.

Basically until baby is here he gets 50% regardless So, did the solicitor indicate that if you 'wait it out' until the baby is born it might make a difference?

IDK about putting the money back exactly. My question would be as long as you don't spend it, can you keep it separate until the finances are worked out? Not an uncommon thing here (US) as long as it's understood that it's part of marital assets to be divided.

What would claiming 'financial hardship' get him? Spousal support? A higher percentage of assets? Because if it simply meant no child maintenance AND if you can make it without it, that would be fine with me.

What constitutes a 'short marriage'? I thought that with a 'short marriage' it was easy come/easy go and each one left with what they came with.

Do you think a second opinion might help clarify things? I mean, if you had seen a doctor and were given unsettling advice you'd get a second opinion, right? Why not with legal matters, especially something that you will be basing your future life decisions on.

Do you think a second opinion might help clarify things? I mean, if you had seen a doctor and were given unsettling advice you'd get a second opinion, right? Why not with legal matters, especially something that you will be basing your future life decisions on.

I 100% agree with this, @brokenmumtobe.

Please don't take just one viewpoint on an issue which will so very much affect the finances and future for both you and your child. Are your friends able to recommend a Rottweiler solicitor they've used before? 🌹

I’m doing some research now into a second opinion. Sadly the more I read - the more it looks accurate! So he’s basically got the best of everything.

I wonder if you can spend it on things for the baby? Maybe things with long return periods.

It is a difficult stage, there are mixed feelings and also a confrontation between the hormones in pregnancy.
I'm not an expert or anything, but it would be great if you always keep talking to a friend or family member, who gives you advice and doesn't make you feel alone.
but remember, the most important thing of all is the well-being of your baby, think that as a mother you must protect him, take care of him and give him a lot of love, that if that man left you for another woman it is because in the end you are a spectacular woman and he is definitely not is for you.
In my country we say, what does not serve, that does not get in the way.
For now I'll give you some advice, and just try to focus on your baby, your baby and you are the only thing that really matters.
in the end the one who will lose will be him, he will not have a good wife and he will lose the most valuable time with his baby.
The moment will come when he feels guilty and feels like garbage for having done what he did, and it is at that moment when you will feel peace and tranquility, there will no longer be pain or sadness in your soul, on the contrary you will be fine and happy.

He hasn't got the best of everything because he won't have his family.

And while he might claim he needs financial support, you will have child care costs and other support costs to do your job without him.

I think he's well aware of the financial situation.

When were you married?

Also yes if you put money into something for the baby, he can't touch that. Check with a solicitor if you can put money in trust or an account fir looking after the baby, etc. Over wholly you have sole control.

And why can't you remove savings and say you spent it? On counselling and retail therapy to cope with the stress of him 🙈🤦‍♀️

I'm so sorry, @brokenmumtobe

Please don't be broken. You have the most amazing little person growing inside you and this is their and your very precious and special time.

I know it's asking a lot, but only you can make the mental shift to ditching him. The practical arrangements will then follow.

I think he’s fully aware whichever way he comes out on top currently.
He’s too busy arranging days out with his new friends to give a sh!t and vanishing acts have happened once a week so every day is a new thing.
But for the best he’d like to go out on a date night with me next weekend 👍🏼 I think not.

I'm surprised solicitor is saying 50/50 on a short marriage. I'd have thought it was back to where you were given currently no kids. Have you really earnt/saved £150k in 3.5yrs?

I think you need a second opinion, and need to consider when is the best time to move before or after baby. Ideally you'd want it done before so you don't have to live with this prat through your pregnancy. Id clear any joint accounts- how dare he take money put aside fort he babynfor his own selfish purposes. Something to ask is whether you can freeze the financial now. So that if you cut off his access to cash can he then take credit which counts against you? I'd be tempted to pay the rent to get him out if that then comes off his share too...

Unfortunately for me yes I have earned that much, I am waiting to hear back from another solicitor about the situation.

You need a shark. A real SHL. If you know of anyone who has 'come out on top' in a divorce even if they don't have your financial position, ask them who they used. You can always say you're asking 'for a friend'.

Ages ago, in our small city it became pretty well known who the 'shark' attorneys were.

Hello @brokenmumtobe please tool up with the best solicitor you can find with the reputation of getting razor sharp deals for their clients.

Much of this may seem unfair on the financial front, but thems the rules. But the silver lining is that you will be free of any future obligations for him - particularly more likely if your solicitor is shit hot.

This is the worst of times as his betrayal is being played out day by day right in front of you. This hurts so bad. But you have so very much to look forward to, wounds heal over & life goes on. Your life with your new baby is going to be lovely.

You will overcome any organisation or administrative blips because you are smart & capable, & as time goes on you will let go of your ‘fantasy family’ to have a great life.

He has played his cards & he has done so based on what has gone before. But the future will be different, he won’t have further access to your finances or your goodwill, & his access & responsibilities to his child will be fixed. I have little doubt that he will mess you about but you can mitigate that by building strong boundaries, very clear communication & by your attitude to him.

@brokenmumtobe how are things with you now?

Spoken to another solicitor. Sadly at the moment, I am still in the same position with another round of "me and her have no life together" "I am embarrassed" as we had round 2 of confessions and the night he stayed at a friends they stayed in a hotel. (OBVIOUSLY) and he was seen with her in town by all his work friends kissing in public which is delightful.

I am still at a loss with the financials and have been spending it like it's going out of fashion. With yet another round of I have told her it is over, but she is texting him saying she is staying at her ex's and she is messaging his younger brother on insta. I don't believe for 10 minutes that it is over, I think they are both horrible toxic people that deserve each other but still havent been strong enough to fight my own corner. Other than asking him to just be honest with me and tell me the truth so we can be amicable.

With that said, I have at least managed to get things in order for arrival of baby girl ordered everything we should need now and even booked us a week away in September just the two of us.

I have no idea what to do, but in my head I do feel it is over - it is just finding the end.

God what a prick, so is he telling you it is over with OW so you take him back?

That's good you have all the stuff ready for your DDs arrival at least there is some good to come of all this. Have your family been supportive? If possible it would be fantastic to have someone help you out in the first few weeks.

Thinking of you OP & congratulations! 💐

I'd be inclined to proceed with divorce & get rid asap. If yo

Gah! If you have to give him more than you'd like, just bite the bullet & do it, unless it makes you very significantly better off after baby arrives. No amount of money could keep me
From kicking him out of my life. Easier said than done though. I hope things get easier & agree you should spend the money if it reduces his share

Even if he left the OW I don't think you'd be able to move on with this man, doing this to you when you are pregnant aswel, you'll hold the resentment forever.

He told me it hadnt stopped but theyd decided it should and he only ever saw his life with me. Which I know is a lie. I am financially better off when baby arrives and leaves him with less options. At the moment I know I am done, so happy to play the game because what this guy is showing me is he cant play a good game and he has a works day out at the end of the month where she is there so wont take him long to crack. I will then be ready to execute my plan with the research I have been able to do, and humiliate them both - not worth it and childish I know but it's time. no one knows at the moment apart from his workplace but I know where her boyfriend works and where to drop his stuff off at her parents.

Very cathartic,

@brokenmumtobe

He told me it hadnt stopped but theyd decided it should and he only ever saw his life with me. Which I know is a lie. I am financially better off when baby arrives and leaves him with less options. At the moment I know I am done, so happy to play the game because what this guy is showing me is he cant play a good game and he has a works day out at the end of the month where she is there so wont take him long to crack. I will then be ready to execute my plan with the research I have been able to do, and humiliate them both - not worth it and childish I know but it's time. no one knows at the moment apart from his workplace but I know where her boyfriend works and where to drop his stuff off at her parents.

Good for you OP

The saga has continued, THERE is a suprise!
Last week, I told him I was not going to do it anymore as I knew it was still going on, I said some really awful things and I left. He begged me not to go, and I had no choice but to go back as I havent yet told anyone what he has been doing.
He claims he has told HER that it is over, and he is with me and keeps posting really odd things on his instagram about our dog and the baby I assume for her to see. He went out this week with work, and told me she wouldnt be there we all know she was, but his timing was impecable and I think although she was there he was where he said he was... he's out again next weekend in liverpool for an entire day at a football match and SHOCK horror she will be there they are then all going for food and drinks. I'd love to know what happens on that day because I dont trust a word he is saying, I have asked him not to go but he doesnt want to let anyone down. Other than me obviously. I know I am a complete fool, but this really is it and I know I will just know what happens on that day but wish I could prove it. I am so glad I said what I said and I made him cry, told him he didnt deserve to be a father and I wish I had asked him more questions before going through this with him. I hope I have hit him where it hurts, but I just cant shake the feeling it's not over, he has outright refused to give me the password to his phone... so tells me all I need to know claims he talks to her about the football and they can still just be friends but they cant can they, and I'm right.

How are you feeling now OP? When are you going on mat leave?

I dont finish work until 15/06 baby is due 27/06
He has booked us a weekend away in london in 3 weeks time...
I thought I felt more confident but I just am not - baby is doing perfectly though which is all that matters to me currently.