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Original poster

my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

262 replies

brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 15:17

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 09/02/2022 14:14

It's not about shutting him out, but realistically he's done that to himself. Nobody is going to expect a mum to hand over a newborn for overnights. The amount of time he can have contact will be short and regular for the first year, especially if you plan to breastfeed.

dietpepsi13 · 09/02/2022 14:15

@brokenmumtobe it sounds like your husband is now trying to play mind games with you and manipulate you into feeling guilt and upset you for all he has done himself. Please don't believe a word of his cruel comments , as others have said here, he is gas lighting you.

I'm so happy that your baby is doing well Flowers

LampLighter414 · 09/02/2022 14:16

Give him a chance OP maybe you can work things out and he can help with the baby.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy Relationship problems
Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 09/02/2022 14:19

He doesn’t want a chance… he wants his new woman and to live in his nice house and tell his family he’s the best. I know that.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 14:23

@brokenmumtobe

He doesn’t want a chance… he wants his new woman and to live in his nice house and tell his family he’s the best. I know that.
Then tell him that he can show his family just how great he is and fuck off to the far side of fuck! He can go live in his nice house. Just you wont be paying for it. He can do that all by himself.
DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 14:26

@brokenmumtobe

I really just don’t understand anything right now…. At all. When it all came out it made sense and the more it unravels the harder it gets to work out. I know sometimes you never know the answer - but I just don’t get anything that’s happening.

Baby is perfect, and I always swore I’d never shut him out of her life. Because I do have a brain and think about others usually before myself.

One thing we can say for sure is that this is not your doing. Affairs happen, they have different contexts, but to do it while your partner is pregnant, and then to make demands that she keep on bankrolling you and washing your pants while you get your end away elsewhere, and then do the doe-eyed "oh, am I the problem" crap....ugh. This is not a mistake or bad decision in a difficult time. This is just a self serving arsehole. I've often thought that with these things, the affair is less of a problem than what is done as a result of it, and this is a classic case.

And it is not your fault.

CaveMum · 09/02/2022 14:28

I'm so sorry that he is gaslighting you like this. I know it seems so hard right now but you've got to do three important things:

  1. Talk to a solicitor
  2. Tell him (not ask) to leave - if he says no then you tell him that you will be contacting all family (yours and his) and friends to let them know what he has done to you. To be honest I'd do that anyway once he has left.
  3. If you haven't already done so tell your midwife what is going on, she might be able to offer some support
DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 14:29

@brokenmumtobe

He doesn’t want a chance… he wants his new woman and to live in his nice house and tell his family he’s the best. I know that.
He actually only wants that for as long as it suits him. When it no longer serves his purposes, he will fuck right off.

How can he think this is a reasonable demand?

IsabelHerna · 09/02/2022 14:45

It's so enraging that he would do that after you guys went through the hell that is ivf... if you want to deal with this, and maybe get past it you can try counselling and he can surely have therapy on top of that (you simply dont go through IVF just to cheat on someone). Can you buy him out of the house?

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 09/02/2022 14:51

Not at the moment, and sadly as we’re married what’s mine is his and all that bullshit.

I know I’m better off without him, but I wish like him I could switch off any emotions.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 09/02/2022 15:01

@brokenmumtobe

Not at the moment, and sadly as we’re married what’s mine is his and all that bullshit.

I know I’m better off without him, but I wish like him I could switch off any emotions.

It's hard, right now you probably feel raw and that's not helped by all the additional raging hormones you have.

What you need to do is dig deep and get angry, if you can't do it for yourself then get angry on behalf of your daughter and what he has done to her. You now need to fight for what is best for her.

Yes you are married and there are shared marital assets but that doesn't automatically mean it all gets split 50/50. This is why you need to talk to a solicitor and fast, your baby is not here yet and once she arrives you will be so caught up in caring for her for several months that you won't have time or headspace for getting a resolution.

Zilla1 · 09/02/2022 15:07

Perhaps have a chat with a solicitor whether any mat leave you had planned and when you might be primary carer for the baby might be a good time to have a separation financial assessment looked at and, if so, when you'd need to initiate proceedings working backwards.

Sorry OP, it must be grim if you had no inkling about his character after so long.

Good luck.

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 09/02/2022 15:35

I was going to wait for my mat leave to try and sort this mess out, but it feels like every day is living hell and it’s 4.5 months away.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 09/02/2022 15:50

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by just sitting down with a solicitor to go over the basics right now.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/02/2022 15:55

At least seeing a solicitor gives you the advantage of knowing where you stand financially

Please do this without delay

DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 15:59

@brokenmumtobe

I was going to wait for my mat leave to try and sort this mess out, but it feels like every day is living hell and it’s 4.5 months away.
I can't imagine what this is like, but it's only going to get harder the longer you leave it. The more things you can sort out before the baby arrives, the better. You'll be exhausted, sleep deprived, all over the place mentally and vulnerable to whatever new acts of manipulation this prince has in store for you.

PPs are right...see a solicitor now. It doesn't commit you to anything but it will give you information, and knowledge is power.

Zilla1 · 09/02/2022 16:05

You might not need to wait to be on mat leave to disengage from this abuse, OP, it just might be that would be a timely period for any financial settlement to be framed, for example.

HelloKeith · 09/02/2022 16:17

Form experience it would be easier to get him out now before you end up with AND and/or PND from having this selfish fucker in your house. Once you get closer to the birth you will need to use what energy you have on you - not him. And when the baby is here and he's twatting around (literally) you are going to need your safe space.

Get him out, pay him off and it'll come out in the divorce settlement. Get legal advice. But get him out.

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 09/02/2022 16:20

I have asked a solicitor to contact me and see what my options are around the house and my savings. I also have cash in bonds. I’ll see what they say before I make any moves. I just want a calm stable environment, and I know this is not it, but I’m backed into a corner. His secret will come out one way or the other - and he has to live with that. Not me.

OP posts:
KnobJockey · 09/02/2022 16:38

Dont be dragged in to keeping it a secret. No matter what happens in the future, right now you need support, and you need people to know why. It might all blow over, your family might hate him, but why the FUCK should he sit in your house, with his baby in your body and get away Scott free with shagging another woman? Get to play happy families?

If you need to stay in the same house- which hopefully you change your mind- then right now it needs to b completely seperate from him. Otherwise, he's going to spend his fun time sticking his dick wherever he wants, then coming home to the house YOU pay the majority for, to the baby that YOU are growing. Don't let it be to the meals you are cooking, the house you are cleaning, the clothes you are washing, the nice chat you are giving.

Tell him every single day what he's done to you. Don't let him hide. You might want to work through it, but you don't win this 'prize' by bring the mug who gives him an easy ride and he doesn't have to work for. If he wants to get through it then he needs to grow up, see his mistakes, and go do work himself to rectify it.

You- and your girl- deserve so much more. Start being her role model now. Be strong. You can do it.

KnobJockey · 09/02/2022 16:39

Oh yes, echoing above- it might not seem it, but it's so much easier to deal with now than with a newborn too.

Jtb5790 · 11/02/2022 14:54

@newbohemian

More of a private matter, this sort of thing, I would have thought.
She hasn't exactly posted her name, address and sort code.
Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 11/02/2022 15:05

Perhaps I just need someone to talk too.
Can you imagine being in my shoes?
Trust me you wouldn’t want to be.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2022 15:32

Don't wait until mat leave. Because while you're pregnant you can move where you'd like, including overseas (I know you wouldn't but I'm making a point) but after you can't move with the baby if he's being an arse.

Sooner is better.

StartleBright · 11/02/2022 15:52

Write the problem down. Write out your plan of action to sort it. And do it. Do it now. You won't have the energy post baby, and any spare energy you have at that point needs to be spent on looking after yourself.
The situation you find yourself in now will cause 'hidden' anxiety if you let it run for the sake of a 'calm environment' - how can it be calm when your heart is in tatters? How can it be calm if you are having to swallow all your grief and anger to create it? Instead use those powerful emotions to your benefit.
Take control. If you have the money and can sort the problem with it, do it. Spend the cash, create your nest, invest in yours and your babies future.
Childcare can be sorted. You can do this, one step at a time.

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