Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

262 replies

brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 15:17

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 11/02/2022 16:01

How long have you been married?

timewillhealabrokenheart · 11/02/2022 16:15

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. Your OH is despicable to treat you this way, especially when you're expecting his child. He clearly has zero respect for you to treat you in such an appalling way. Most men keep their affairs secret, or at least try to. I've never heard anything like it!

It's really important that you keep your self respect and as others have said, please don't continue to provide meals, clean up after him, or do his washing. He needs to start seeing you as a strong person, even being a little afraid of you, or at least of what you might do. If he's so worried about people finding out, I think you should start telling others; start with his work. It will probably be frowned upon. A married man, whose wife is pregnant having an affair with a young girl. Could you tell her parents? I'm sure they wont be happy about it. What about your family and friends, his friends? Don't let him have everything his own way. This is undoubtably just a fling, but he needs to know it has consequences. Show him you're not a pushover!

AgathaX · 11/02/2022 16:19

This will get harder to deal with the further through your pregnancy you get. You need to make changes starting now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy Relationship problems
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/02/2022 18:57

@brokenmumtobe

Perhaps I just need someone to talk too. Can you imagine being in my shoes? Trust me you wouldn’t want to be.
Your user handle and this post in particular made me so sad for you, OP. And 20 weeks pregnant, too.

He's a horror. Sending you a hug, if you'd like one Flowers

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 11/02/2022 19:12

We’ve been married 3.5 years together 8.5 been through hell and back to get here.

I don’t think there’s any going back, he’s just took a low blow and took £500 out the babies account to fix his car.

And now he’s on a night out with work (and her)

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 11/02/2022 19:23

@brokenmumtobe

I know you are all right. But I just can’t accept it currently. He claims we can be best friends & he can come and see me and the dog afew days a week 😭😭😭
Why does he think you would want to be friends with someone who has shafted you? If I understand this right, he's shagged someone else, who he is still seeing, and wants to continue to see, but refuses to leave, and wants you to pretend that it's not happening? And all this, while you are pregnant. Tbh, he sounds like a low life who cares only for himself. If he had the slightest regard for you, he would be moving out at your request, but he doesn't, he just wants to make your life even more difficult. He's actually asking you to pay his rent! In answer to your question, what you should do is tell him to get out, tell all your friends and family what a scumbag he is, and move on. If necessary get someone bigger than him to move into your house temporarily to help him realise that it's not in his interests to hang around. You are going to have to manage the baby by yourself, but you'll never be able to rely on him anyway, so you may as well cut your losses now. Does he actually see this as being his baby too? Anyway, get divorce proceedings underway.
DelphiniumBlue · 11/02/2022 19:26

@brokenmumtobe

We’ve been married 3.5 years together 8.5 been through hell and back to get here.

I don’t think there’s any going back, he’s just took a low blow and took £500 out the babies account to fix his car.

And now he’s on a night out with work (and her)

This is an ideal opportunity to change the locks and move the rest of the money to where he can't touch it.
RainingYetAgain · 11/02/2022 20:34

Not sure about changing the locks,but definately move the baby's money. Leave £5in the account if you both need to sign to close the account.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2022 21:09

@brokenmumtobe

We’ve been married 3.5 years together 8.5 been through hell and back to get here.

I don’t think there’s any going back, he’s just took a low blow and took £500 out the babies account to fix his car.

And now he’s on a night out with work (and her)

Are you seeing who he is now?
Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 11/02/2022 21:35

Yes….

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/02/2022 09:23

Did he come back last night after spending the evening with her?

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 12/02/2022 09:44

No… stayed at a friends because it was easier… obviously

OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 09:47

Ffs op he’s taking the piss

TheWeeDonkey · 12/02/2022 10:06

Oh this is awful. I think you need to realise that he has checked out of your marriage. At this point it looks like it's just a convenience to him.

MrsWooster · 12/02/2022 10:24

@brokenmumtobe

I was going to wait for my mat leave to try and sort this mess out, but it feels like every day is living hell and it’s 4.5 months away.
Don’t wait. It seems like the baby is all consuming now but that’s NOTHING to what it will be like when s/he gets here. Use this time to get things sorted and get him out and facing the consequences of his choices so when the baby arrives s/he can be your focus. If not, the baby will push all this into the background and there’ll be an amazing babymoon and everybody will be loved up -and he will still be exactly the same person underneath and will go back to exactly where he is now and you’ll be bereft. Again.
NewYearNewMinty · 12/02/2022 10:36

Just seen your thread and I am absolutely gobsmacked at the cheek of this man.

That said I can absolutely see why you're struggling to move forward.

Do you know where this girl lives? Because to be honest, subject to legal advice, I'd be very much inclined to pack H's things, deliver them there and tell her and her parents 'he's all yours'.

Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 10:36

Tell everyone, I would even tell the girls parents if you can

beautifullymad · 12/02/2022 11:00

@brokenmumtobe

I know this is his fault but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me. I can’t do the nursery runs and keep up with my job. I also just can’t deal with any of this.
I know a lovely doctor who, when she was pregnant employed a nanny. The nanny was so lovely. We are all still in touch with her. She did those early mornings and late nights. She was just such a lovely person. She stayed for four years until she started her own family.

There is help out there. You don't have to do this alone.

NaerDoWell · 12/02/2022 14:26

Would really suggest that you kick him out and disengage from him now and certainly before baby is born.

Babies are all- consuming so you'll have no headspace or time to be dealing with his shitty behaviour once baby comes along.

He's not going to change so why prolong the heartache and sadness?

kobacat1981 · 12/02/2022 15:32

@brokenmumtobe I'm so so sorry for how you have been treated. It sounds like your husband wants the best of both worlds' on the one hand he wants to keep his marriage with you' yet expect you to facilitate his affair aswell. It also sounds like he is gas lighting you. I would say to get him to leave now or to buy him out. Later on in your pregnancy if he is still living with you, you will be exhausted and things will be a whole lot harder. Please take care of yourself and your health. You are amazing and way too good for this road

kobacat1981 · 12/02/2022 15:34

Ahhh typo meant to say toad not *road

Ursusmajor · 12/02/2022 16:56

If the IVF was for male factor infertility, is the baby biologically his? If you needed to use a donor, maybe he’s just freaked because he’s not feeling connected to the baby?

Ursusmajor · 12/02/2022 16:57

Although he may have freaked out for the same reasons even if he is the biological father as well as the social/legal father.

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 12/02/2022 18:18

It was male factor & he is biologically the father

OP posts:
Whysolong7 · 12/02/2022 18:22

I have literally never said this on mn but Chuck him out. Short term he can live with friends or family.

Get a solicitor and buy him out of his share of the house.

You are about to be a mum. You can’t mother him through this as well. Deep breath and start planning a life for you and the baby.

Give any access you want, but don’t feel guilty for the consequences he faces for betraying you in the way he has.

Swipe left for the next trending thread