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Original poster

my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

262 replies

brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 15:17

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

OP posts:
Bigkingdom · 08/02/2022 17:55

Think of it like this. You are pregnant with his much wanted baby that he has put at risk of STDs. He had no respect for his own baby’s health. Him having sex with some girl seemed far too important.

That is what i told myself when my child’s father cheated on me when i was pregnant. I very quickly got over any guilt i felt for finishing with him.

Flamingpantoufles · 08/02/2022 18:01

Just wanted to say, OP, that I'm so so sorry you are going through this. You sound lovely and very understanding and it's just awful that he has put you in the situation. But, from what you say, he is not going to change so all the advice upthread about solicitor etc is very wise. Very best of luck, am thinking of you.

3xmonsters · 08/02/2022 18:04

You can do it on your own. Use a childminder or Nanny, they will be more flexible over timings that a nursery.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy Relationship problems
Cherrysoup · 08/02/2022 18:05

Please don’t demean yourself by doing the pick me dance. Has he not given you the severe ick?

What do you want to do. Take him back, knowing he’s highly likely to carry on cheating? How much do you need to buy him out?

Honestly, I would start by telling everyone, present the proof etc. He’s disgusting.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/02/2022 18:22

OP

Before you start squirrelling away your savings (potential marital asset) you really should see a solicitor.

I'm not sure how long you have been married but you need legal advice here.

You also seem a bit deluded I'm afraid. Where is your anger?

InnPain · 08/02/2022 18:35

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor I agree ☝️

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 18:39

I am completely deluded. And I don’t know why…

OP posts:
BreathingDeep · 08/02/2022 18:47

You're still processing - and it's a lot to take in. Right now it feels like a dream, and that's to be expected.

For years, you've believed your husband to be one type of person and he's never deviated from that. The two of you have created a life together, including the trials and tribulations of IVF. And yet now, completely out of the blue, he seems to be someone different. It's hardly a surprise that you can't take it all in and accept that actually, your good guy has been a bastard all along.

Take some time to get your head around this and insist on some space from him. He is not your best friend and he is treating you with utter contempt, even if it's dressed up with smiles. Let yourself accept the difference between who you thought he was and who he is now, and the anger that's lacking will come as you realise that he has let you down in the very worst way possible.

While this is all going on, please tell people in real life so they can support you.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

millymae · 08/02/2022 18:47

He’s scared of people finding out what he’s done ………. because he knows he’s wrong.
Easy for me to say I know, but for now he needs to go and you shouldn’t be brow beaten into not telling people why you’ve asked him to leave or into paying his rent! No-one would think you were being unreasonable in wanting some space to at least think things through before any permanent decision about the future is made
Bear in mind that his secret may not be as much of a secret as he thinks it is at work. How would feel if work colleagues discovered you knew yet were allowing him to live at home as though nothing was going on.
I’d like to believe that If he sees you won’t tolerate his affairs any longer he will come to his senses and knuckle down to life with you and his baby but I’m not sure that leopards ever really change their spots. Only you can decide whether you want to live your life with the constant worry about what he’s up to
Your priority at the moment has to be to look after yourself physically and mentally and your unborn baby and I don’t see how you can do this with him living in the same house.playing happy families, when they are not.
Don’t worry too much about the future for the time being. It wouldn’t be a bad idea though to get some legal advice about protecting your assets should you decide to end the marriage.
If he so chooses he can still be a good dad to his little one even if you live apart .

Duckswaddle · 08/02/2022 18:51

Be a strong independent woman for your daughter. You don’t need this pathetic pillock. The youngster he loves so much can pay his way. Protect yourself and your children, you have no responsibility for or towards him at all.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 08/02/2022 18:58

And you aren’t deluded lass. You are hurting. And he did that.

Process it and find your inner steely core of cow.

He may well be a fabulous dad but he has proven that he is pure shite as a partner.

You deserve him not flaunting this in front of you. You deserve someone who is supportive through your pregnancy and beyond. You deserve someone who is a proper partner who treats you with love and respect.

He can be a fab dad at a distance (if he can step up that is).

You deserve to be happy with your baby and your dog without wondering what he is doing or plastering on a smile.

Take a minute and breathe. But you need to find that inner strength.

You deserve better than this boy. Because no decent man would do this. Flowers

DrSbaitso · 08/02/2022 19:03

@brokenmumtobe

I am completely deluded. And I don’t know why…
Because you've had years of thinking he was a certain person and now it turns out he's an absolute turd. You'd have to be psychopathic not to be affected by that.

But you can't live your life aiding and abetting this insane demand of his. He'll only up and desert you when it suits him anyway.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/02/2022 19:12

@brokenmumtobe

I am completely deluded. And I don’t know why…
Because you are normal. You've just been hit by a truck, metaphorically speaking, and you're brain is playing catch-up. ((hug))
AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2022 19:32

Before you 'dispose of' or 'hide' any money you need to speak to a solicitor. Courts do NOT look kindly on people who try to hide assets in a divorce. Let a solicitor tell you what you can and cannot do, and which are shared and separate assets. Just because an asset is in your sole name that doesn't mean it isn't a 'marital' asset.

As far as 'can he keep it up?', well yes, if you keep on enabling him by doing nothing. You don't want to jump the gun before you've gotten legal advice, but sitting on your hands doing nothing is facilitating his cheating. You know, he knows you know, and yet he sees you doing nothing. To him, that's pretty much agreeing with his suggested 'let's just carry on living together whilst I screw around, shall we?'.

Many single parents manage to do school runs and keep their jobs. Sure, you may have to adjust routines, childcare, or timings but it can be done. Millions of parents, single and not, are already doing it so why would be so impossible for you? Stop thinking about what you 'cant' do. What you are doing is putting roadblocks in the way of having to make a decision that you don't want to make.

I'm sorry I sound so harsh. But it sounds to me as if you have a well paying job and a bit of 'finances' behind you. You're already starting miles ahead of a long term SAHM with no training and no money of her own.

mowglika · 08/02/2022 21:06

Seriously OP. Find your anger. He’s been sleeping around and you feel guilt that he’s missing out on his kid? He won’t move out and wants to keep shagging his gf while you pretend all is fine while 20 weeks pregnant? He sounds like absolutely scum.

Get rid of him, you will parent better without this losers antics hanging over you. Don’t let him walk over you. Good luck OP, you will figure it all out including nursery runs etc. One step at a time. Start by going to see a solicitor.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 09/02/2022 13:01

How are you today @brokenmumtobe ?

I hope you have some RL support, a friend? Because otherwise you are stuck listening to his warped view of things.

In general men seem to lose all perspective, decency and loyalty once a new woman is in the scene. He is not the person who can help you through this, or feel better.

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 09/02/2022 13:10

Thanks for checking todays a bad day.
Was the 20 week scan today and he sat there like life was just normal, and then asked why I left the house crying “am I the problem”

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 13:31

@brokenmumtobe

Thanks for checking todays a bad day. Was the 20 week scan today and he sat there like life was just normal, and then asked why I left the house crying “am I the problem”
God he sinks low. Don't allow this emotional manipulation. It's adding insult to injury.

I'd be tempted to tell him that yes, his sexual incontinence and desire to be supported in shitting over his family is a problem, but of course it depends on the energy you have for any more of his obtuse bullshit. Say nothing and don't engage if you don't want to. And you know he has no right at all to be at the scan if you don't want him there, much less the birth. Definitely don't let him guilt you on that one. You need a calm, supportive and caring environment and it's nothing to do with him wanting "the experience" or whatever.) You're the patient, not him, and if his presence is only going to cause distress at scans or anywhere else, out he goes.

Honestly, there are no prizes or moral points for kowtowing to this kind of manipulative bullshit. All it does is cause you extra stress, which is the last thing you need in pregnancy.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 09/02/2022 13:38

Well yes he is the problem, the very serious and damaging problem. I wonder what else he thought you might be crying about? A broken fingernail?

OP, I hope all was well with the scan.

Scans are first and foremost health screening appointments. In your shoes I would take a friend or relative to any further scans.

PragmaticWench · 09/02/2022 13:43

OP you need to get some decent legal advice, although I appreciate that your scan takes emotional priority today.

A Declaration of Trust on a property deposit can be overturned by marriage, depending on how you own the property. Legal advice will help you to plan on a solid footing

lunar1 · 09/02/2022 13:49

He's really not adding anything to your and your dd is he? I would make damn sure you are the primary caregiver for your baby. He will be trying to claim maintenance from you at this rate!

RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 13:50

@brokenmumtobe

Thanks for checking todays a bad day. Was the 20 week scan today and he sat there like life was just normal, and then asked why I left the house crying “am I the problem”
Hes emotionally abusing you now.

He's gaslighting you by raising the question 'but why are you upset?' or 'a what have i done?' innocent act. He KNOWS hes the problem. What he's doing now is trying to undermine you and have you question whether you are right to be upset.

He's trying to twist things and make it sound as if he's completely reasonable and your expectation for him to be faithful isn't.

Remember this fucker think he can sleep around, say he loves someone else and then get YOU to pay his rent for him after screwing up your life and destroying your sense of self worth.

You need rid of him, or he will do this over and over again.

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 09/02/2022 14:03

I really just don’t understand anything right now…. At all. When it all came out it made sense and the more it unravels the harder it gets to work out. I know sometimes you never know the answer - but I just don’t get anything that’s happening.

Baby is perfect, and I always swore I’d never shut him out of her life. Because I do have a brain and think about others usually before myself.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 09/02/2022 14:12

Thats cos he is fucking with your head and making out as if its normal and reasonable to have done what he has and then pretend everything is just fine and he can ask you for rent to fund his lifestyle with his new bit on the side at the very moment you have the responsibility of a baby.

Honestly he doesn't care about you one little bit. Hes actively trying to harm you even now.

Having crushed your boundaries by having an affair hes now rubbing your nose in it and trying to normalise it and make out as if you are being unreasonable.

The longer you stay with him the more he will continue to fuck up your life until you decide to say no more.

How far do you want him to take this and ruin your life?

caringcarer · 09/02/2022 14:12

You can make it work for you and new baby. Hire an aupair to drive baby to nursery or live in Nanny to live in and help/ look after baby. He is scum to cheat on you after all you went through to get pregnant. See a solicitor. Show him you are serious.