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Original poster

my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

262 replies

brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 15:17

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/02/2022 15:47

@brokenmumtobe

Am I deluded to think it could work? 9 years done.
Yes you are Sorry
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 08/02/2022 15:48

And the guilt? It isn’t yours to have love.

He was the master of his destiny.

godmum56 · 08/02/2022 15:49

@brokenmumtobe

Am I deluded to think it could work? 9 years done.
yup....kick him out

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yorkshireteaspoonie · 08/02/2022 15:51

No no no... there is NO guilt on you for him missing out on his child's life. That was HIS decision alone and not yours, you're not taking anything away from him.. he made that decision the moment he prioritised instant gratification over you and your child. Do NOT let him make you think you are taking anything away or doing anything to him. His decision, his consequences- you are the person being done to here not him.

CaveMum · 08/02/2022 15:51

@brokenmumtobe

I know this is his fault but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me. I can’t do the nursery runs and keep up with my job. I also just can’t deal with any of this.
The guilt is not yours - HE has chosen to not be involved in his daughter's life by shagging around.

There will be ways to work out how to do the nursery run - what about a childminder instead, or an alternative nursery, or talking to your employer about flexible working.

Think about what message you would be sending to your daughter as she grows up if you allow this man to walk all over you. You owe it to her as well as yourself.

thisplaceisweird · 08/02/2022 15:52

@brokenmumtobe

Am I deluded to think it could work? 9 years done.
YES. He has shown you more than once how little he cares and respects you and his future child. You really want to lower your standards that much?
Staryflight445 · 08/02/2022 15:53

You’ve got to stop clinging on to your life as it was and look at the bigger picture of 1- how hes behaved and 2- how he’s behaving now.

He isn’t sorry. He isn’t grovelling, he isn’t trying to win you back, he isn’t doing anything. You’re pregnant and stress is the last thing you need and you’ve asked him to get out and he’s refused. He doesn’t care about you, or the baby, or anything. He just cares about himself.

Some couples can make it work after cheating, but you’ll never make it work with this man. He is too self absorbed and just wants what is easier.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 08/02/2022 15:54

I can’t do the nursery runs and keep up with my job

Could he do nursery runs?

Au pair to do nursery runs?

Get a Nanny? The price difference may not be as much as you expect during the years before the free hours kick in. Also, any chance of doing it as a salary sacrifice / tax free childcare vouchers which reduce your tax and NI bill?

Sell and downsize for somewhere smaller for you and your baby?

It’s really horrible as the practicalities sink in, snd my heart breaks for you that he has betrayed you like this.
Plus, he will have to pay maintenance.

Staryflight445 · 08/02/2022 15:55

‘ He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.’

Oh and stop making excuses for him.
It’s normal to be scared, it doesn’t mean you have to jump into another womens underwear though.

Arewethebadguys · 08/02/2022 15:55

I just echo what everyone else is saying. It's over. You know this already. Give yourself time to be absolutely heartbroken for the loss of your imagined future but you also need to get your game face on for a few hours and get really feckin angry with your pos husband. Get to the solicitor asap

bengalcat · 08/02/2022 16:03

You say you’re married ( damn ) but you earn 3x more than him - most important thing is to get to a solicitor and explore how things would divvy up financially ie your losses if you divorce - be one step ahead - sorry for your situation

HollowTalk · 08/02/2022 16:04

Who was going to take the baby to nursery?

T00Ts · 08/02/2022 16:04

Cannot cope with the constant conveyer belt of shit men on here…

I’m sorry, OP. Tell him to fuck off out immediately. The damage is done. The relationship is already over.

HerRoyalNotness · 08/02/2022 16:05

If you kick him out now your baby won’t know any different. Being raised without a father in the same house will be the norm. You can make this work as a single parent, buy in the help you need. Ask about flexible working at work.

If you dither over this and let him call the shots you’ll be kicking him about in a couple of years anyway, that will cause greater damage to your DD and yourself!

AllOfUsAreDead · 08/02/2022 16:06

You deserve so much better than him. He has essentially said he wants you to pay for his new girlfriend and good lifestyle and pretend it's not happening. Why would you want to go along with that?!

Please see that you can do better.

UserBot9to5 · 08/02/2022 16:07

What a loser. Get rid of him now.
He thinks you're stuck with him now you're pregnant but you're not.
So sorry this is happening when you should be feeling happy.

Original poster
brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 16:07

Do you think he’ll be able to keep it up?

I really just want him to be a man and make a choice and do what he needs.

OP posts:
Ohdoleavemealone · 08/02/2022 16:10

@brokenmumtobe

I know this is his fault but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me. I can’t do the nursery runs and keep up with my job. I also just can’t deal with any of this.
You can do it! You have the best part of a year to learn how to do it without him and when you return to work after MAT leave you can negotiate new terms that allow you to do nursery runs. Look into childminders as they are more flexible.
VivX · 08/02/2022 16:12

@brokenmumtobe

Do you think he’ll be able to keep it up?

I really just want him to be a man and make a choice and do what he needs.

He has already made his choice - he's chosen to have an affair. He's only sorry now because he doesn't want other people to know.

Don't pay his rent. See a solicitor.

deeplyrooted · 08/02/2022 16:12

He’s not delusional - he’s abusive. Pregnancy brings this out in a certain type of man. Sometimes its physical but in your case it’s emotional/psychological.

He’s showing you who he is and I understand that you need time to grasp that he isn’t the man you thought he was.

thebabessavedme · 08/02/2022 16:12

throw him out and get a nanny, it will save you your money, your sanity, your well-being, your happiness and your sense of peace - throw him out, tell everyone why and then make your home a calm safe space in which to enjoy your baby, babies are babies for a very short while, make sure you enjoy your beautiful liitle one, only surround yourself with people who really love you because this twat clearly doesn't!

Dillydollydingdong · 08/02/2022 16:12

Keep what up, Broken? We know what you want but we know what he wants too. To be "best friends" (yeah right!) with you, and shag some other girl as well!

ShootForTheBars · 08/02/2022 16:13

You should have no guilt at all. None.

You should worry about your DD growing up and watching her mother be made a fool/doormat.

You are a strong woman, you can be alone and independent. You can be a single parent and Co-parent with him. But he does not deserve your protection at all.

I’m so sorry.

Iamthedom · 08/02/2022 16:13

Deed of trust and your the higher earner
You are fucking wonder women

So many women don’t protect there hard earned deposit let alone ensure they can financially support themselves
They then end up screwed paying to get rid of the asshole

Don’t take him back - the longer you stay with him the more he can get from the rising house prices

Make the choice for yourself
Don’t let him make him choose
Take that power away from him

sunflowerdaysinbeautifulmay · 08/02/2022 16:14

So sorry you're going through this OP. He is taking advantage of you, which is despicable! You are not responsible for his feelings in any of this situation. You do not need to make any of this easier for him. You deserve more x