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Original poster

my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

262 replies

brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 15:17

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 08/02/2022 16:34

You want him to "make a choice" - you don't need him to make a choice - YOU make the choice.

If you don't want to stay with a loser like this, then make it so, and get rid of him. You and your child will be better off without by the sounds of it.

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2022 16:35

OP you can do this. You said you earn 3x as much so look at live in nanny or other types of childcare

Bundaberg84 · 08/02/2022 16:35

@Drinkingallthewine

You know, we had DS during the recession. Both of us had times of unemployment, pay cuts, tax hikes and were in a bad place financially when DS came along. We'd also wiped out most of our savings for IVF.

Anyway, I couldn't figure out at the time how we would manage. We basically lived off OH's salary for a year or two because nursery + rent just wiped my wages instantly every month.

It's tricky for a year or so then the next stage comes along and you think "how will I manage that?" but somehow, you do until the next thing and before you know it, they are starting school and those years you thought you couldn't cope you somehow just did.

So don't think about nursery at the moment. Focus on what's happening now, not something you might need in a years time.

Right now you need to get out of this situation. No more chances for him. Put the house on the market, given him his share and start divorce proceedings.

Oh and get an STI check - the fact that he could have put you and your pregnancy /baby at risk of an STI is not something I could personally get over.

All of this. And doubling the STI check.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy Relationship problems
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/02/2022 16:35

No one would treat their best friend the way he has treated you.

It's shit at the moment but you will be fine because you are in a far better position than he is. And your baby will be fine because you are a stronger and better person than he could ever be. (22 yo gf, what a fucking cliche)

Flowers
Zilla1 · 08/02/2022 16:35

Pregnancy can lead some me to think they can change their behaviour as their partner is dependent and weak, unfortunately, as can newborns with disrupted nights and stress. I'm sorry OP as I expect a planned for IVF pregnancy was based, on your part, on an apparently rock-solid relationship. That must be a lot to come to terms with while pregnant. Try not to accept poor behaviour by trying to capture the dream of a family and relationship with the partner you thought you had.

Good luck.

cookiemonster2468 · 08/02/2022 16:36

I know this is his fault but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me

If he wants to be in his daughter's life then he will be.

It doesn't mean you have to keep living with him and make things easy for him. He's treated you very badly.

It doesn't have to be one or the other. You can assert your boundaries and make your decisions without denying him access to his daughter in the future.

TheApexOfMyLife · 08/02/2022 16:36

Btw I agree you’ll find a way to make it work.
You are earning a reasonable wage. You have your house. And he will pay some CM to you.

If anything you have the chance of having plenty of time to get organised.

Those first years are crap financially but you will manage. Just like tou would have if you had been together (I doubt he would have fine part time or stoped work so you didn’t have any nursery fees to pay…)

DrSbaitso · 08/02/2022 16:36

@brokenmumtobe

Am I deluded to think it could work? 9 years done.
He's told you the terms to which he'll agree. You big him up as the devoted family man in public and behind closed doors, you obediently look away and allow him to shag a 22 year old while you care for the baby.

If you're OK with this, sure, it can work.

fishingeagle · 08/02/2022 16:37

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
You're in shock right now because the person you love is standing in front of you, looks the same, but is talking like a crazy person you no longer know.
It sounds like he's on some wild delusional ride, but at the moment nothing in his life has changed. Living at home, pretending you can still be friends, fantasy girl on the side, no-one knowing so zero impact or consequences for him thus far.
My honest advice would be to absolutely insist that he leaves. Get a really good and sympathetic lawyer and be careful about paying his rent or he may claim you're maintaining him. Change the locks, get his stuff delivered to his family. Tell his family why. The only way this works out at all is if he realises what he stands to lose very quickly and it dawns on him that this whole ridiculous fantasy will die real quick in the face of reality. And even if he does come to his senses, you then have to build a new relationship with the person he is, not the person you thought he was. A big ask, and it will take years and years. I wish you strength and all the best.

Gowithme · 08/02/2022 16:39

No that can't work because you and your baby are way too good for that shit.

Theunamedcat · 08/02/2022 16:39

For nurser look into a nanny or an aupair it's not insurmountable

Don't rely on this entitled twat for anything

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2022 16:39

Is the house in your name only? I'd be changing the locks when he's out
You've got a while to worry before you have to do nursery run unless the plan was a v short mat leave. But either way there are options. Nanny? Child minder? Do you have family support?

Either way, you deserve more than to be what he ends up with when the 22 yo decides she doesn't want a middle aged divorce with a baby

HyacynthBucket · 08/02/2022 16:39

So sorry you are going through this betrayal at a time when you are more vulnerable than usual - he is dishonourable as well as all the other things people have said on here, to treat you like this, and at this time. Maybe he is really immature? But you have at least one other DC already? He is also completely deluded about being "friends". How can that happen after what he has done and why should it? Please get really good legal advice, and you don't need to keep his secret. Maybe go on social media and tell everyone you know what he has done, so they can see what a jerk he is. This might be useful because he will almost certainly try and re-write the narrative in future if you don't get the truth out there first. Flowers

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 08/02/2022 16:40

It's very important you get this sorted sooner rather than later. If he did then end up doing all the nursery runs and you still wanted to leave him, which you will if he continually cheats, then you might have to pay him maintenance as he might claim he's the primary carer. I would seek legal advice now on how the future might look and then make a decision.

It's irrelevant that you have been together 9 years to him sadly, and so it will have to be to you to. There's no reason why he can't be a dad though, he can still do care and have a relationship with his child, what he can't do is openly shag someone else whilst you are pregnant and paying for his lifestyle!

MsMeNz · 08/02/2022 16:40

Why wod you wait for him to make a choice? It's been made. He's a d bag, how could you trust him again? Get divorce sorted protect yourself asap money wise. You will need a support network if possible, good luck

Jtb5790 · 08/02/2022 16:40

Time for him to go. Best thing for all three of you.

AgathaX · 08/02/2022 16:42

He has made that choice though. His choice was to play around with a younger woman whilst his wife expects his first child. His choice was not to support you, not to cherish you, to abandon you. His further choice was to compound that by trying to get you to pay for him to move out so he can officially live the single life. And he expects you to keep all of this quiet so that he doesn't look like the dickhead he is.
It's time to accept he's changed, he's no longer the man you thought he was. You need to protect yourself and your baby emotionally and financially from him. You need to plan for your future as a single parent. Do it now, get everything in place to make it easier for yourself when your lovely baby gets here.

Justkeepon · 08/02/2022 16:43

I hate reading posts like this because they really really frustrate me! Yes you are mad to think this could work! I am infuriated on your behalf and I can't understand how anyone would even consider playing along to this game, don't let your child be raised into this shitshow.

jytdtysrht · 08/02/2022 16:46

You unwittingly married a stupid, selfish, little child. He sounds like a pathetic loser and you’d be better off on your own. Does he want you as his mummy looking after him whilst he shags the 22yo?

newbohemian · 08/02/2022 16:46

More of a private matter, this sort of thing, I would have thought.

RampantIvy · 08/02/2022 16:50

but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me.

It isn't crippling him.

Please take the excellent advice you have had on here and don't play the "pick me" game.

PrinnyPree · 08/02/2022 16:51

I am so so sorry OP what a shock. He is an absolutley disgusting disgrace to do this when you are so vulnerable and to his unborn child. You must protect the both of you now, he thinks he has you trapped by circumstance, it is abuse IMO. DO NOT let this happen, get your ducks in a row and speak to a solicitor ASAP. Flowers

Biggest hugs imaginable, also tell whoever you wish, get some real life support. X

dietpepsi13 · 08/02/2022 16:52

So sorry op, this is the very last thing you need right now. This twat sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. He wants you, to stay in the home and also have the 22 year old and act like nothing has happened. I would get yourself a solicitor as soon as you can, I certainly wouldn't play happy families with him. He doesn't even deserve respect after how he has treated you

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 08/02/2022 16:53

How old is he OP? I don’t think it sounds like the pressure of becoming a dad is the issue here, I think it’s far more likely an attractive young (22) year old has started at his workplace and he’s infatuated. Are they actually seeing each other? My bet is once all this is out in the open she will think ‘fuck’. and end things because it’s only a bit of fun for her, not a long term thing.

At. 22 lots of women and men are out to just have fun, fun without consequences, fun without commitment!

He wants you to keep quiet because he knows people will say ‘what the fuck are you doing? You idiot!’

You don’t have to do anything at the moment. You don’t have to kick him out if you can’t handle it at the moment but I would ask him to go and stay somewhere else for the time being. Certainly don’t help him financially! Put yourself first! I think in time you will move from feeling hurt to feeling really angry with him.

DrSbaitso · 08/02/2022 16:53

@brokenmumtobe

Do you think he’ll be able to keep it up?

I really just want him to be a man and make a choice and do what he needs.

If you facilitate it, of course he can keep it up. You funding a lifestyle he can't afford and being childcare on tap while he shags his mistress. What's not to keep up from his perspective?

But if you want him to be a man, you'll continue to be disappointed. I actually feel more contemptuous of him for not owning his choices and the consequences of his actions than I do for the affair. He shat over you and his unborn child, and his solution is to keep doing what he's doing, making no hard choices or commitments, with you facilitating him and protecting his reputation. He truly thinks that's actually an acceptable outcome.

I'd have more respect if he owned the fact that he wants to leave to be free to shag 22 year olds, and was looking at practical ways to co parent. Man up and make a choice, as you say.

The snivelling cowardice, the sheer fucking weakness on top of the infidelity, is contemptible. You cannot give your life and your child's life to this. It will destroy you.