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Original poster

my husband is carrying on with another woman.. 20 weeks

262 replies

brokenmumtobe · 08/02/2022 15:17

20 weeks pregnant and my husband wants a relationship with another woman.
I found out recently he had cheated on me, and he admitted it and said he was desperate to try again - it lasted a week until he told me he had feelings for his 22 year old work friend who he has known 3 months.

I asked him to leave our home and he wont unless I pay his rent.

As I wouldnt do that, he wants to play pretend happy families so no one finds out what he's done - and see the other woman.

He strikes me as a man that is so scared he doesnt know what he wants and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2022 16:15

He sounds mentally unwell. I can't make out what's going on except that his life is a mess and you're dealing with the fallout.

What do you mean by 'could this work' - work in what sense? If he's having some kind of breakdown, he should perhaps see his doctor. It sounds as if he behaves completely inappropriately.

Pembertonrd · 08/02/2022 16:15

Tell everyone.
Don't keep it a secret.
If his new love is so pure he should be proud of it.

Please do not let him manipulate you.
You are the innocent party here.

Get a good solicitor and put yourself and your baby first.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 08/02/2022 16:15

Nursery runs are way down the line. Don't look too far ahead. One step at a time. Kick his arse out, even if it's under the guise of "I need time to think and space to think about this". Tell anyone who needs to know exactly why he's gone - do not try and shield him, he can answer any questions.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy Relationship problems
ElleGB · 08/02/2022 16:16

A daughter yes? Would you want her growing up accepting the same? Is this the example of a relationship you want to show.

He has cheated, twice. Please, please take the advice here and tell him to go. NOTHING will change he is literally having his cake and eating it, he is showing you such disrespect! Take him back now and it will happen again and again.

Better now than when you’re daughter is 8. 10, 12 years old surely?

You still have 20 weeks until she’s born, and then maternity leave to figure out childcare and work arrangements .

You CAN do this. You’re in such a good position compared to him. Get him out the house, focus on you and your baby and come back and thank us all in a few years time when he’s on his mums sofa and you’re happy with a man who treats you as you deserve.

Find your dignity. Please.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/02/2022 16:16

YouLl be waiting a long time for a man who cheats to do the right thing because they enjoy doing the wrong thing.

Turn it around though, you had 9 happy years, you have a baby out of it and a good career plus 20 weeks notice he’s a wrongun.

He’s faulty. You can’t build a solid house on a swampland.

needmoreshinys · 08/02/2022 16:19

Put it another way, it could work, as long as you are fine with all the problems you are looking as a single mother and still dealing with the emotional trauma of him being there and seeing someone else.

Is he going to be doing the nursery runs, or is he going to be too busy seeing his girlfriend, who will get up in the middle of the night? Probably not him, because he cant cope with the crying so he is with his girlfriend.

When your daughter gets older, and she asks were daddy is and you say oh he is with his girlfriend (probably a new one)

meanwhile the whole situtation is eating you up and after 10 years, maybe another child? You go fuck it and kick him out anyway. Or even worse, he fucks off with his new 22 year old girlfriend when he is 59, after getting you into crippling debt spending it all on her and then you still have to give some sort of financial support, half your pension and half your house to him

Or you could just do it now and save yourself the heartache of 10 years

Justtobeclear · 08/02/2022 16:20

You are going to need tough love for this one. He’s an absolute dick and you need to find your anger and channel it into getting him out.
He’s relying on you being vulnerable and scared to stop you from making the only choice that is right for YOU and your baby.
Please don’t fall for the best friend line - it won’t last and as soon as you do kick him out the venom will start. It’s unfortunately an tale as old as time.
You can and will do whatever you need to. You will figure it out. Stop thinking in terms of guilt and start thinking about your baby. Would you want them to be treated as he’s treating you? What would you tell them to do?

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 08/02/2022 16:21

Hi OP
I am so sorry to read this but the cold hard truth of it and I am so sorry to say this,I don;t mean to add to your pain but the truth is he has let you and your unborn child down. He doesn't care,he cannot care otherwise this would not be happening.An affair is not an accident. In your position I would take a break and not tell him anything,Can you go to your parents for a few das or a friend,just to get some breathing space? Tell him nothing of this.I think it would help you, I would also disgrace him and let his parents know what you are going through and how badly he has treated you. Show him up. This man is not a good kind decent man and you can be a wonderful mum and you will manage millions do, You and your baby can have a wonderful life trust me but stay with him and you will never ever know a minutes peace again and thats no way to live, I am really sorry.

viques · 08/02/2022 16:23

@brokenmumtobe

I know this is his fault but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me. I can’t do the nursery runs and keep up with my job. I also just can’t deal with any of this.
Yes you can.

There are all sorts of ways you will find to cope, at the moment you feel overwhelmed because you are trying to process too many things at once, nursery runs are in the future so forget about them for the moment.

Your immediate priority is shot of getting the man who thinks having sex with a pregnant wife and a twenty two year old who still lives at home is a sign of maturity. Where he goes is not your problem, when he goes is.

Sunshine847 · 08/02/2022 16:23

So sorry this has happened to you. I am sorry to tell you this but I think the relationship is over. He has been cheating on you and now treating you even worse by expecting you to be OK with this all and act normally and have him still live with you. It sounds like he is using you for your stability and kindness.

This is not a family relationship you would want to bring a child into. Do not focus now on how you'll manage on your own with nursery etc. That will honestly all get worked out. Go and see a solicitor ASAP, most give you first 30 minutes free. You need solid legal advise and then follow their guidance and get him removed from the mortgage and out of your life.

You will have an amazing life with your baby, maybe not the one you planned but who knows the joys ahead in your future. Get rid of this man treating you so terribly and think what you'd say if it was your daughter this was happening to. Set an example thar you will not be walked over. Be strong, seek support and build a new life.
Good luck

viques · 08/02/2022 16:23

Getting shot

AuntMargo · 08/02/2022 16:23

Come on, don't let him do this to you. Stand up for yourself and get rid of him asap ! He does not love or respect you. Look after yourself and your baby and get rid. You can do this, you deserve more. How will he ever have any respect for you if you allow him to treat you like your nothing.

NaerDoWell · 08/02/2022 16:24

You and your baby deserve far better than a man who is repeatedly unfaithful to you and lives off your money.

Raise your standards and start divorce proceedings.

The fact that your child will have divorced parents is ALL his fault - his unreasonable behaviour.

You will be a fabulous mother to your child. And there are ways around the nursery run issue - making a flexible working request, hiring a childminder or nanny instead as they are often more flexible, your (ex) husband doing the nursery run... and don't forget he will have to pay child maintenance so there will be money to throw at solving any problems!

AKASammyScrounge · 08/02/2022 16:26

@brokenmumtobe

I know you are all right. But I just can’t accept it currently. He claims we can be best friends & he can come and see me and the dog afew days a week 😭😭😭
You can never be best friends after he developed feelings for someone else when you are pregnant. After IVF too and all the hopes and upsets that brings. Is he afraid of the responsibility of being a father?Does he seriously expect you to keep him in a comfy lifestyle, smiling happily to preserve his image, and be his pal? See a lawyer, OP. Speak to your family about this - you need their love and support.
SarahBellam · 08/02/2022 16:26

Get rid of this shit man. He’s treating you like an absolute doormat. It’s all about him isn’t it? And while you are pregnant too. What a low grade man. You deserve a better life than this.

Spookytooth · 08/02/2022 16:27

I would speak to a solicitor because if you are the high earner doesn't that mean there is a possibility you end up subsidising him - plus he might want to claim primary carer if you are working long hours. So you would pay child maintenance. You need an expert's advice.

There's no saying he might change his mind and want to come back but meanwhile you should be gathering all the info you need if things go bad.

CayrolBaaaskin · 08/02/2022 16:27

It’s hard to accept it’s over op but it is. Get him to move out and start divorce proceedings

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/02/2022 16:29

Basically now you’re pg he thinks your vulnerable and he can do as he pleases because you won’t leave now there’s a baby.

A drawback of staying is one day the leave you. I know two women who stayed, both got left for women old enough to be their mum with houses paid off.

SpiderVersed · 08/02/2022 16:29

Yiou can do this, it's just overwhelming at the moment. It won't always be.

See a solicitor. The kind of man cheating on a pregnant partner isn't outstanding father material. Protect yourself and your baby.

Nsky · 08/02/2022 16:31

He’s very foolish, a 22 yr old won’t want him? Why should she.
Wanting the best of both worlds, a fool, maybe the reality of being a dad is hitting home.
For yourself, you need calm, happy and productive, as others have said pratical stuff can be dealt with later.
Sort the divorce and mortgage out, and try to move on, your daughter needs one strong parent

ElEmEnOhPee · 08/02/2022 16:31

I know you're feeling vulnerable now and it's easy for people to say walk away but when you're pregnant and you've made all these plans to be a happy little family and think it's all forever it's extremely difficult to just throw the towel in. That said, he won't change, if anything he'll get worse because he's already got away with so much. It's honestly going to be easier to walk away now than 5 or 10 years down the line when he's destroyed every single scrap of self esteem you have left. You deserve better.

Drinkingallthewine · 08/02/2022 16:32

You know, we had DS during the recession. Both of us had times of unemployment, pay cuts, tax hikes and were in a bad place financially when DS came along. We'd also wiped out most of our savings for IVF.

Anyway, I couldn't figure out at the time how we would manage. We basically lived off OH's salary for a year or two because nursery + rent just wiped my wages instantly every month.

It's tricky for a year or so then the next stage comes along and you think "how will I manage that?" but somehow, you do until the next thing and before you know it, they are starting school and those years you thought you couldn't cope you somehow just did.

So don't think about nursery at the moment. Focus on what's happening now, not something you might need in a years time.

Right now you need to get out of this situation. No more chances for him. Put the house on the market, given him his share and start divorce proceedings.

Oh and get an STI check - the fact that he could have put you and your pregnancy /baby at risk of an STI is not something I could personally get over.

TheWeeDonkey · 08/02/2022 16:33

He's not developed feelings for a 22yo He's known for weeks. He's panicking because now he has to man up. And he doesn't want you telling people because he knows he's made a dick of himself.

If he thinks you're best friends then he's a shit friend. What an absolute total and complete and utterly wanker

I'm sorry OP, you don't need this right now but you deserve so much better BrewCake

TheApexOfMyLife · 08/02/2022 16:33

I know this is his fault but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me.

Why are you feeling guilty? It’s his responsibility. His choice to have an affair. His behaviour that he will miss out of seeing his dd.
The guilt is all his. Dint take it on and make it yours.

TheGratefulBread · 08/02/2022 16:34

I know this is his fault but the guilt of him missing out on his daughters life is crippling me.

It isn't you guilt to carry. You didn't cause this. He did.

Four years ago, a friend of mine was in a similar boat, and it wasn't easy to accept her marriage was over, and to take the necessary steps. However she did what needed to be done. I won't lie, and tell you she got over it overnight, she didn't. However four years down the road, she can look back and know, she did the right thing.