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Original poster

I took my toddler to a funeral today...

243 replies

Georgepigismylife · 01/02/2022 19:14

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

OP posts:
Satingreenshutters · 02/02/2022 14:54

@steppemum maybe her OWN culture? Maybe she is speaking collectively about her own nation, her own people. What do you know about her, where is from, what her customs are?
Wind your neck in.

steppemum · 02/02/2022 14:55

The thing I don't understand on this thread, is that while there may be a discussion to be had about funerals in general, the family at this one actively encourgared the OP to bring their ds.

And in all the stories mentioned, where the kids have been at funerals, the family have encouraged them to come.

and yet some people think that the family's view carries no weight at all. That their view of what is and isn't acceptble at a funeral is all that matters.

if my best friend died, I would be heartbroken, I probably know her better than her family.
But the funeral would be according to what they want, even if I disagree.

How the funeral runs is the family's business.
Toddlers or not, not up to you, up to the family

steppemum · 02/02/2022 14:56

[quote Satingreenshutters]@steppemum maybe her OWN culture? Maybe she is speaking collectively about her own nation, her own people. What do you know about her, where is from, what her customs are?
Wind your neck in.[/quote]
If that is the case, I apologise, but it reads to me as 'in our culture' as in 'in the UK'

'wind your neck in' Hmm charming

Satingreenshutters · 02/02/2022 15:14

@steppemum

The thing I don't understand on this thread, is that while there may be a discussion to be had about funerals in general, the family at this one actively encourgared the OP to bring their ds.

And in all the stories mentioned, where the kids have been at funerals, the family have encouraged them to come.

and yet some people think that the family's view carries no weight at all. That their view of what is and isn't acceptble at a funeral is all that matters.

if my best friend died, I would be heartbroken, I probably know her better than her family.
But the funeral would be according to what they want, even if I disagree.

How the funeral runs is the family's business.
Toddlers or not, not up to you, up to the family

I reckon a lot of family agree when asked as saying no causes offense. VERY few people will refuse to have a toddler there for fear of upsetting the person bringing them. At the end of the day, there is absolutely No benefit to bringing a toddler except heartache for the person trying to keep them quiet and having to go outside at a funeral of someone they love PLUS disrupting everyone else's experience aswell. Nobody wants to hear a toddler scream at a funeral. It's ridiculous. An older child is completely different, they can understand what's going on, you can explain to them not to be noisy, they know why they are there but to bring a toddler armed with toys and chocolate and snacks to a funeral KNOWING they will kick off is of NO benefit to anyone.
CrackerGal · 02/02/2022 15:27

You should have stayed - it says a lot if you had no idea who the woman was, obviously not family then.
Very rude of her you did nothing wrong.
I once had to bring my 3 year old to my grandma's funeral.
I had to fly over for it & there wouldn't have been anyone to mind my child while I was at the funeral.
My grandmother had absolutely loved my daughter.
She was well behaved in the service & afterwards at the wake yes she was running around.
This random neighbour (who my grandmother actually hated because she was so nosy) was talking sh*t about my kid being there behind my back. Didn't have the courage to challenge me. Other family members told me after she'd left what she'd been saying.
Nosy cow I know my grandmother wouldn't have been happy!
Sorry for your loss OP 💐

BuickMcKane · 02/02/2022 15:36

I reckon a lot of family agree when asked as saying no causes offense. VERY few people will refuse to have a toddler there for fear of upsetting the person bringing them.

Thank god my family aren't this disingenuous.

iklboo · 02/02/2022 16:08

As for your second point, sometimes when you have young children and no childcare you do have to miss out on things. Should the OP also take her toddler to the theatre or out clubbing if she wants to go but can't find a babysitter?

That's such a straw man argument they want it for the next remake of The Wicker Man.

And no, friends do NOT trump family's wishes at a funeral in any way. OP already said her family did AND auntie would have wanted the child there - sounds like they were close to me.

That linked thread below is a totally different scenario. The parents DIDN'T take the child out and WEREN'T family.

AlternativePerspective · 02/02/2022 16:24

Life goes on... that's the reality and funerals are a celebration of life... if people want to weep and wail, do it at home is my recommendation. amen to that.

And actually, weeping and wailing can be equally intrusive.

When I was at school I was in the choir and we sang at the funeral of one of the teacher’s husband’s. And there was a woman there who was absolutely wailing as loudly as she possibly Could. It even sounded fake iyswim. But even if it wasn’t, it was far more intrusive than any toddler could have been.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 02/02/2022 17:39

Unfortunately I have been to far too many funerals in my time and I have never seen a child in the congregation either in the church (C of E) or in the crematorium. My husband is Irish and he said that in Ireland it far more acceptable.
I would not beat yourself up about this OP, after all you took your toddler out when they started playing up.

Mum2jenny · 02/02/2022 20:35

I’d welcome all children at whatever ages at my funeral. Funerals can be seen as a depressing scenario or a celebration of life. Then all children and babies are welcome.

Eeiliethya · 03/02/2022 17:22

@Satingreenshutters

I think a lot of people overestimate how many people find their "little cherub's" shouting, running up to the coffin, making a din or making "adorable" comments delightful. People are polite and they are understanding and they put the parent at ease by saying it was fine. Always those feckers on here..."oh my child absolutely MADE the funeral with his cute quips" or "Everyone thought it was hysterical and it lightened the mood". Blah Blah entitled Blah.
Yeah but... if the close family are happy with it and the child meant a lot to the deceased then unfortunately nobody gives a fuck about what anybody else thinks of their cherubs 🤷🏼‍♀️.
buddylicious · 03/02/2022 21:06

I wouldn't want young children or babies at my funeral. Not that I'll have much say in it!!!!

Zwellers · 03/02/2022 23:55

Not talking about this specific scenario, but Are some people really so dense they can't understand why having a screaming shouting toddler disrupting a funeral might be upsetting to some people who have lost a loved one.

Seasidemumma77 · 04/02/2022 00:07

In both my immediate and extended family, children from newborns upwards attend family funerals and family weddings. Yes there have been times where a parent has slipped out to soothe a crying baby before returning to the service, or a toddler has bolted up the aisle, or a child has loudly asked a question about the coffin, why certain things are happening etc. For us, the children being their is important. Wouldn't suit every family but works for us.

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 04/02/2022 07:32

@Zwellers

Not talking about this specific scenario, but Are some people really so dense they can't understand why having a screaming shouting toddler disrupting a funeral might be upsetting to some people who have lost a loved one.

Apparently so.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 04/02/2022 08:48

For me children are welcome at weddings and funerals. It's part of life so why exclude them?

Whilst some might be sad, I'd have no problem with a loud toddler. Part of life. Funerals should also be a celebration of the person's life.

When my mum died, both dc came (we had no childcare anyway). They were 18m and 3 yrs. it was fine. We all coped. It was important to us and my mum too.

BuickMcKane · 04/02/2022 09:36

Not talking about this specific scenario, but Are some people really so dense they can't understand why having a screaming shouting toddler disrupting a funeral might be upsetting to some people who have lost a loved one

Insensitive much? You do realise the person with the toddler has ALSO lost a loved one, or is their mourning not at important because they couldn't have a day off parenting to attend?

BorgQueen · 04/02/2022 10:15

To the poster saying they wouldn’t want children at their funeral, I take it you have no young children or Grandchildren?

My toddler Grandson is the light of my life and if others were ‘offended’ by his presence at my funeral, should I die while he’s little, they can fuck off to the far side of fuck then when they get there, fuck off some more.

I’d rather he be there, shouting, singing, dancing, than 100 po faced dickheads.

KindleBeKind · 04/02/2022 10:24

I'm sorry for your loss but it was a ridiculous thing to do.

iklboo · 04/02/2022 10:33

I'm sorry for your loss but it was a ridiculous thing to do.

It really wasn't.

KindleBeKind · 04/02/2022 10:41

@iklboo - if I was at a funeral and a screaming toddler was running around I'd be furious. It's entitlement from the mother's perspective thinking only of herself and not of her fellow mourners.

Antsgomarching · 04/02/2022 10:44

In my culture children don’t attend funerals so it “feels” wrong to me, maybe why thats why the lady reacted that way? It may be that she’s not accustomed to children at funerals. Either way she was out of order, she can think what she likes but its not her place to make your uncomfortable.

iklboo · 04/02/2022 10:44

@KindleBeKind - quite possibly. But since OP's toddler was doing neither, and she took her child out as soon as he shouted, it wasn't ridiculous.

KindleBeKind · 04/02/2022 10:45

She took a toddler to a funeral. Hardly a stimulating experience and the toddler was 100% guaranteed to need taking out.

DappledThings · 04/02/2022 11:03

[quote iklboo]@KindleBeKind - quite possibly. But since OP's toddler was doing neither, and she took her child out as soon as he shouted, it wasn't ridiculous. [/quote]
Exactly. And it's ridiculous to say it's 100% guaranteed they would need taking out. My children have attended church since birth, now 4 and 6. Only a handful of times have they needed taking out.