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Original poster

I took my toddler to a funeral today...

243 replies

Georgepigismylife · 01/02/2022 19:14

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

OP posts:
glittereyelash · 02/02/2022 12:04

Honestly don't worry about some random woman's opinion it's your own family who matter. Toddlers are unpredictable at the best of times. I brought my son to my grandfather's funeral when he was one and there were five other children there a similar age all crying at one time or another nobody batted an eye.

yumyumpoppycat · 02/02/2022 12:07

You did nothing wrong don't worry Thanks children aren't often at these so they could be why she shook her head but really why should funerals have young family members who were likely very loved by the person the funeral was for excluded?

DappledThings · 02/02/2022 12:09

As for your second point, sometimes when you have young children and no childcare you do have to miss out on things. Should the OP also take her toddler to the theatre or out clubbing if she wants to go but can't find a babysitter?
Theatres (unless a performance specifically aimed at children during the day) and nightclubs are accepted universally as not appropriate for children. In the case of nightclubs that would include a legal minimum age for entry. Funerals, as we can all see from this thread if not our own experience are absolutely not universally seen as inappropriate for children. Many, myself included, see them as positively appropriate for all ages.

Machina01 · 02/02/2022 12:16

Sod her. Just think about what your Aunt would have wanted.

I went to a work colleagues funeral a couple of months ago. One of her nieces had their toddler there being looked after by her husband during the service. They stayed at the back and he was taken outside after a little noise and disruption. I just thought about what my colleague would have wanted and that would have been for her grand-nephew to be there. You have nothing to feel bad about.

buddylicious · 02/02/2022 12:16

You may find this recent thread interesting:

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4453107-baby-at-funeral

AddingMustard · 02/02/2022 12:19

Friends matter too and many people are closer to friends than they are to family.
If they were friends with the OP's aunt, then they would have known who she was. I've been to several funerals and friends of my uncle/aunt/grandmother all knew who I was even if I'd not a clue who they were. Either because I'd never met them or I was a child when I had.

I had to travel several hours to get to family funerals. The only people my child or I knew in the area were at the funeral themselves. This can't be an uncommon occurrence. Not everyone has someone who can take a toddler overnight.

pantjog · 02/02/2022 12:20

Wrong and strange from the tutting woman. Sorry for your loss OP.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 02/02/2022 12:20

Dc1 was just 3 when my dad died. They adored each other and my mum wanted him to attend because she felt that was right. He understood why we were there and whilst him saying goodbye grandad to the coffin reduced both me and my mum to tears, over all he was a positive addition to a difficult day. Dad wanted to be remembered not mourned.

Dc2 attended her first funeral at 14 months (although she was technically at my dad's, kicking enthusiastically to the organ music). We tired her out in the morning and she slept through. It was her great grandmother's and my aunt's first words when she phoned to discuss arrangements were "you'll bring the children won't you".

I personally believe that the feelings of the deceased where known or that of close family matter more than anyone else's in these situations.

Satingreenshutters · 02/02/2022 12:23

I think a lot of people overestimate how many people find their "little cherub's" shouting, running up to the coffin, making a din or making "adorable" comments delightful. People are polite and they are understanding and they put the parent at ease by saying it was fine.
Always those feckers on here..."oh my child absolutely MADE the funeral with his cute quips" or "Everyone thought it was hysterical and it lightened the mood". Blah Blah entitled Blah.

SartresSoul · 02/02/2022 12:25

You didn’t do anything wrong. Your Aunt loved you both and would have wanted you there and your family wanted you both there too. Forget the random woman, she isn’t important. Sorry for your loss Flowers.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 02/02/2022 12:28

I can't believe anyone thought that a funeral was an appropriate place for a toddler!

BuickMcKane · 02/02/2022 12:29

sometimes when you have young children and no childcare you do have to miss out on things. Should the OP also take her toddler to the theatre or out clubbing if she wants to go but can't find a babysitter?

Are you actually trying to make a comparison between a social event which is optional and can be done at a time that IS convenient, to a funeral?? Confused

HangoverSquare · 02/02/2022 12:29

@wanttomarryamillionaire

I can't believe anyone thought that a funeral was an appropriate place for a toddler!
I can't believe people think a funeral is an inappropriate place for a toddler.
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 02/02/2022 12:29

@Satingreenshutters

I think a lot of people overestimate how many people find their "little cherub's" shouting, running up to the coffin, making a din or making "adorable" comments delightful. People are polite and they are understanding and they put the parent at ease by saying it was fine. Always those feckers on here..."oh my child absolutely MADE the funeral with his cute quips" or "Everyone thought it was hysterical and it lightened the mood". Blah Blah entitled Blah.

Absolutely this. Parents are desensitised to their own children. The toddler was probably shouting longer than the OP realised before the woman made a face. People probably smile and nod as they don't want to appear rude.

And FFS - she might not have been a random! I have no idea who my uncle's closest friends are.

Marvellousmadness · 02/02/2022 12:33

Kids can have a place at a funeral
Toddlers shouldn't be there
They are too young. Too young to behave and too young to understand what's going on. So basically all they do is disrupt someone's saying goodbye process.

And taking chocolate? Aka giving a toddler sugar to keep him quiet? Uh.. what were you thinking. Just no.

Marvellousmadness · 02/02/2022 12:34

*Kids could have a place at a funeral BUT toddlers shouldn't be there

AlternativePerspective · 02/02/2022 12:46

Friends matter too and many people are closer to friends than they are to family. the funeral is for everyone though. Not just for those who demand quiet.

There’s more than one way to celebrate a life.

Personally I’m having a direct cremation because funerals are horrible and I certainly don’t want some event where people are expected to turn up and be mournful and sad and mourn my loss while expecting silence yada yada. No thank you.

If people really must have some kind of grief-stricken event then they’re free to pay to have one. Whatever they can afford and all that. Personally I refuse to put my money behind anything of the sort.

AlternativePerspective · 02/02/2022 12:47

And taking chocolate? Aka giving a toddler sugar to keep him quiet? Uh.. what were you thinking. Just no. oh do get a grip.

But I suppose there’s always one.

BuickMcKane · 02/02/2022 12:59

Personally I’m having a direct cremation because funerals are horrible and I certainly don’t want some event where people are expected to turn up and be mournful and sad and mourn my loss while expecting silence yada yada. No thank you.

I'm considering this too. The last thing I want is people giving my children stern glares because my future grandchild makes a noise. Knowing my lot they'll do something to make the occasion that's not miserable and certainly doesn't involve silence. I bloody hope so anyway.

DappledThings · 02/02/2022 13:01

And taking chocolate? Aka giving a toddler sugar to keep him quiet? Uh.. what were you thinking. Just no
Yeah cos when she said chocolate she obviously meant cocaine. You know sugar highs are a myth? And even if true wouldn't cause any child to shoot up the noise levels instantaneously.

Judicious chocolate would keep mine quieter when needed.

Noisyneighneigh · 02/02/2022 13:59

@Satingreenshutters

I think a lot of people overestimate how many people find their "little cherub's" shouting, running up to the coffin, making a din or making "adorable" comments delightful. People are polite and they are understanding and they put the parent at ease by saying it was fine. Always those feckers on here..."oh my child absolutely MADE the funeral with his cute quips" or "Everyone thought it was hysterical and it lightened the mood". Blah Blah entitled Blah.
Confused I wouldn't have taken my DS to my great uncle's funeral but lots of people including his children and his siblings insisted. When the death isn't a very tragic one- like a 40 year old dying of cancer or something, children really can lighten the mood. My son did and he was well behaved. I didn't overestimate how much pleasure people took in his company at all and if he had been naughty I'd have taken him home.
onedayoranother · 02/02/2022 14:04

I think you did the right thing - you left when your child started shouting.
I think it's fine to bring children to services - my own, at 3 and 5, went to my father's. They behaved well as they were old enough to understand the circumstances and solemn ness of the occasion. But I didn't bring them to the lunch after as I knew they'd be bored and start acting up.
Ignore the woman - it was not her place to make her disapproval cheat - in fact she may have been unaware her face was betraying her so well - I know my mother found it harder and harder to mask her feelings when older.

Billandben444 · 02/02/2022 14:05

@Satingreenshutters
Yup,100%

FelicisNox · 02/02/2022 14:12

It was agreed you could take it him therefore you did nothing wrong.

Funerals are sad but they are also family gatherings and I dare say your aunt would be horrified to know what happened.

Life goes on... that's the reality and funerals are a celebration of life... if people want to weep and wail, do it at home is my recommendation.

steppemum · 02/02/2022 14:45

@Trolleedollee

In our culture children dotn come to funerals so it wouldn’t occur to me to see a toddler there, it’s unheard of but if your family wanted it then fine
who'se culture?

because many people on this thread obviously do think it is part of 'our' culture.

What you mean is YOU don't think they should be there.

But it is not your choice, it is the choice of the family, and they are the only ones who matter

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