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Original poster

I took my toddler to a funeral today...

243 replies

Georgepigismylife · 01/02/2022 19:14

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 01/02/2022 20:56

@Fupoffyagrasshole

Sorry but it’s weird that children aren’t welcome at funerals in their country

Where I’m from we have toddlers at the wake and everything with the open casket and everything -

We had lots of small ones at my Nana’s funeral and it made the whole thing less gloomy and more of a nice celebration of her life and she would have wanted it that way.

It is weird to you with the traditions and expectations you are used to. Surely you are capable of then seeing that taking a toddler to a funeral is strange to other groups of people, who have grown up with a different culture / experience / way of thinking ?

MN is a whole community of people who have different traditions and expectations in life.

grey12 · 01/02/2022 20:59

@Viviennemary

I tthink it unwise to take a toddler to a funeral. Its just not done, Many people find it disrespectful and inappropriate.
It is "not done" but why???!!! What's the issue? Hmm I would personally avoid seeing the body, but what's so horribly wrong with the service?
A580Hojas · 01/02/2022 21:00

I don't think you should feel awful because one person gave you a look. Most average people in the world are OK with the fact that toddlers are too young to understand the etiquette at a funeral.

booklover164 · 01/02/2022 21:00

My god some people on here are so vile.

Op, of course you should have taken your toddler to the funeral.

As a society, we have a such a taboo around death and it's really not surprising if we shy away from taking children to funerals.

Do not feel bad about it and ignore the nasty fuckers on this thread!

So sorry for your loss.

PizzaCrust · 01/02/2022 21:01

As long as you and your family wanted the both of you there, and it was something your relative would have wanted, the opinion of this random, rude woman doesn't matter.

The fact you didn't even know her makes me feel like she probably turned up for the food rather than to actually grieve. If she knew your relative at all, she would have surely had some sort of idea that your toddler was important to your Aunt. She wouldn't have behaved so disgustingly during a time which was a lot worse for you, than her.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/02/2022 21:02

If your family was happy for him to come, that’s all that matters IMO - not some random woman.

I once took a dd of only about 15 months but newly walking, to my granny’s funeral. She didn’t shout but wanted to run about, at one point nearly colliding with the coffin on its stand. So I took her out, but the v nice vicar later said there was really no need, and my DM said my granny would have been the first to laugh about it.
At the same funeral a toddler nephew, maybe 3, who had no idea what it was all about, was playing with his toy cars -making ‘roads’ in the earth at the edge of the grave - nobody turned a hair.

SuPerDoPer · 01/02/2022 21:02

I think we need to demystify death and rituals around death and departure. Death is an inevitable part of life, and grief, life changes and the emotions around fear and loss should all be spoken about much more. Children should go to funerals. They should learn how to behave at one and when it's appropriate to dance, shout, sing and when it's not. My ex's family refused to allow my DC to attend their great grandparents funerals and that if their grandfather and it pissed me off (I didn't say anything and I respected their wishes of course). But in my family children are included in everything and they are allowed to ask questions and be involved.

That being said toddlers are a tricky age for this sort of thing. Babies are easy and from about 5+ they can understand the need to listen, sit still etc. I think a toddler should be removed if they are a distraction or upsetting people but they are part of the family and should be included in the event if possible. In this case I wouldn't want to be distracted by your babbling child but I would be happy for them to be around in general.

Tee20x · 01/02/2022 21:06

This is silly. Who even is that random woman to be passing judgement, you're at your aunts funeral! Of course you should be there and bring DD if you feel that's appropriate.

Bunnycat101 · 01/02/2022 21:10

If your family were happy for you to bring him then you did nothing wrong. Personally I wouldn’t bring my own toddlers to the funeral itself but I have brought children to a wake. But, you’ll see from here that there are some strong views in the appropriateness of small children at funerals.

Firkinhavinalaugh · 01/02/2022 21:11

We took dc1 to dh’s grandmothers funeral.

At the request of MIL

There was MIL and her dh/dc/grandchildren, DH uncle and his wife and dc, DH great aunt and one of her dc, and two people from her care home. In total there were 17 in total and the vicar officiating. The vicar asked me to leave the service with dc1.

MIL hasn’t been back to that church as she was SO angry. The only person that was offended by dc being there was the vicar.

Clymene · 01/02/2022 21:12

It's fine, you took him out.

Fantasea · 01/02/2022 21:15

OP, I took my DD to my great aunt's funeral when she was 18 months old. I didn't have any childcare, so it was take her or not go myself. We sat at the back so we could shoot out if necessary but luckily she was quiet.

The wishes of the immediate family and your auntie trump the wishes of some random woman. You shouldn't have had to experience this and I'm really sorry for your loss Flowers

Mum2jenny · 01/02/2022 21:16

I’ve taken an 8 month old child to a funeral and she behaved much better than some of the adults. It was one of my dps funeral. I would always take children to funerals as they do need to say goodbye to loved people.

Nemorth · 01/02/2022 21:16

@doitwithlove

Personally I would never have taken a toddler or kids up to 10yrs old to a funeral service.
Really? Any funeral service? If given the choice at 8 I would have gone to my Mum's funeral.

I don't think it can be as hard and fast as that perhaps.

Youngstreet · 01/02/2022 21:19

Both my 3 year old dgs and dgn went to fil’s funeral.
Played quietly at the back. My dh and his db were very glad to have them there.
They obviously didn’t go to the crematorium.

StellaGibs · 01/02/2022 21:19

You didn't do anything wrong, people just have different ideas of respect. Her idea of it was to be disrespectful to a grieving person for not showing her perceived idea of respect. It's all silly really.

Sorry for your loss and that this happened to you on top of it.

XenoBitch · 01/02/2022 21:20

@Mum2jenny

I’ve taken an 8 month old child to a funeral and she behaved much better than some of the adults. It was one of my dps funeral. I would always take children to funerals as they do need to say goodbye to loved people.
I don't think an 8 month old will understand saying bye at a funeral.
WeAllHaveWings · 01/02/2022 21:20

Personally I wouldnt take a toddler to a funeral, but if the chief mourners were ok with it then you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

SparkleSpangle · 01/02/2022 21:21

At my funeral I want many inappropriate shouty toddlers the louder and more inappropriate the better. If one of them can throw in a swear word Brilliant. I will be watching from heaven and lmfao!

The woman was unkind and im sorry you were upset. Try not to think about her, you and toddler were wanted at the funeral, by family, who are the important people not Mrs shaky head.

Mum2jenny · 01/02/2022 21:21

I got really pissed off as a child as I was not permitted to attend a funeral for my very much loved grandparents so I’m very much wanting for all my children to attend any family funerals, if they want!!

Verbena87 · 01/02/2022 21:24

It makes me cross that people are so weird about children and funerals. If your family were happy with your child being there, it was right to have them there.

We took my toddler to a great grandparents funeral. They loved him deeply and would’ve wanted him there. A friend took him out for a look outside when he got fidgety but nobody made us feel unwelcome. I do wonder if it’s because they were Catholic - I have major issues with the Catholic Church but on an individual level we’ve found there’s a real sense that family is welcome and kids are part of life.

girafferafferaffe · 01/02/2022 21:26

I took my dd to my aunties funeral. I had no childcare (everyone was there!) and everyone wanted her there as they wanted a happy remembrance. Dd was v well behaved but everyone smiled and welcomed her which made a difference. It works for some. I'm sorry for your loss op x

Mum2jenny · 01/02/2022 21:26

I have had no issue with Church of Scotland.

ConstantCougher · 01/02/2022 21:33

You and your son had every right to be there. Sorry for your loss and please don’t give that mean woman another thought.

Kite22 · 01/02/2022 21:45

The fact you didn't even know her makes me feel like she probably turned up for the food rather than to actually grieve.

Oh, fgs, don't be ridiculous.

I haven't known most people at any of my Aunts and Uncles' funerals, because I don't live with them and don't go to their activities so I obviously don't know most of their friends (or, indeed family from the in laws side).

I didn't know may of the people that came to my Dad's funeral, or my Mum's funeral but was very touched that they took the time and trouble to come and pay their respects, and tell us how my Mum, or my Dad had graced their lives.