I took my toddler to a funeral today...

[Georgepigismylife]

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

When I die I hope anyone who disapproves of a child acting like a child chooses not to attend my funeral.

Funerals aren't just for the miserable and sour faced.
They're a celebration of life.

What I think this thread shows is how people's ideas of church and funerals differ enormously. Are they for the family? For celebrating a life lived or only for sadness and grieving? How formal should they be? Does grieving always mean silence/quiet/formality?

I attend a large lively family church. There are always kids in the aisles and playing at the back.
In fact the pastor regularly says - the kids are part of the church, they are welcome here, Sometimes when a toddler runs to the front, he picks them up and carries them round while he continues to preach etc.

The CofE church down the road from us has a large toddle space at the back, so that familes can attend and their kids play during the service. So this is not a denominational thing.

Of course a funeral is more serious, and there should be space for that.
But I find that people who don't regularly go to church think that church is as it was in the Victorian era where children should be seen and not heard. It is the occasional visitors who are po faced at children being part of the life of the church, not the regulars.

But I find that people who don't regularly go to church think that church is as it was in the Victorian era where children should be seen and not heard. It is the occasional visitors who are po faced at children being part of the life of the church, not the regulars.
I agree. Same with breastfeeding in church and requirements to dress for a Christening as you would for a wedding. Those of us who attend regularly know bf is totally fine and that you can dress in jeans if you want to. It is others who are shocked by the suggestion.

Also reminds me of the sermon at Harry and Meghan's wedding. Apparently it was seen as shocking and inflammatory and uncomfortable. Nobody at my church (average age about 60 probably) would have batted an eyelid.

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.

Speak for yourself. Preferably in the under stairs cupboard!

@Georgepigismylife

Who matters most? Your Aunt/your family? Or some random judgemental twat?

Your Aunt would have wanted you both there, so stop giving a flying f what some random thinks?!

I think it's great to have babies/toddlers/children at funerals, I find it very circle of life.

I have a lot of children in my life, the youngest is not yet a week old, and the next one up is 6 months... an absolute delight. She's loud!! And her sister is 6 and living being big bossy sister, so loud too. I hope all the kids would be there if it was my funeral and I'd hope judgey pants would stay away!!

Don't let her further upset you 🌷

This is IMO why funerals are such bloody awful things and I won’t be having one. Far too much expectation that they’re events for people to go and weep and wail and anyone who dares not do so is being disrespectful. No thanks.

OP you did nothing wrong, but I think that possibly where it went wrong for you is that you went with the expectation that you might have to leave, and this would automatically have made it an even more tense occasion for you, and then when the witch opposite started disapproving you felt as if you had no choice because you’d already resolved to take him out and possibly expected to do so but hoped you wouldn’t.

personally I wouldn’t take a toddler to a funeral but neither would I judge someone who did. My cousin’s DW took their 11 week old to my nan’s funeral and she bf her throughout the ceremony. I’ve no doubt some might have cast judgement on that as well. Fuck them.

I love babies and toddlers at funerals. When my uncle died his grandson was playing at the front and around the coffin area, it was lovely. My aunt loved it. Proper celebration of life

My mum's funeral, I gave the eulogy. I think I was still in shock because I don't remember anything really about that day. Apart from when my three year old grandson jumped down from his dad's lap, ran to the end of the pew and peered around, stage whispering my name as I stood on the pulpit. I looked over and he grinned and waved. I waved back and smiled at him. It was just so 'right'. Don't think I could love that kid more!

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.

‘Funeral mass’?! Who even uses terms like that in 2022?!

Don’t be a dick.

My Aunt loved my grandsons and on the day of her funeral there was nobody to babysit them . I know she would have wanted them there and the Minister was more than welcoming . Ignore that woman . Times are changing and death is no longer hidden from children. Funerals should be a celebration of someone’s life .

@Eeiliethya
Can you explain exactly how the presence of a toddler shows lack of consideration to other mourners? How exactly does a toddler affect your grieving at a funeral? I'm genuinely interested.

OK. For what it's worth, I am a churchgoer and my church has a kids' area at the back where little ones can play (quietly) during services. We keep an eye on them and the ones who attend regularly get to know that it's a place for looking at books, colouring etc rather than rushing around shouting (there's a park next door where the kids run about before and after church, so that helps). I do think churches, synagogues etc should include and make space for children.

However, I don't think toddlers need to be at funerals. Both actual noisy interruptions and the mere worry of there being an interruption will distract some other mourners from quiet contemplation, prayer and remembering the person who has died (I'm only talking about shouty toddlers/preschoolers, not children who are old enough to sit quietly through a church service and have some understanding of it). This is especially true for older people, I'd imagine, for whom funerals are often important and serious - can't we respect that? Toddlers don't get anything out of attending a funeral, and their presence could distract attention from remembering the deceased and spoil the service for others so I wouldn't bring one, in the same way I wouldn't bring a puppy. Saying they "have every right to be there" is entitled and selfish because really it's the parent asserting their own importance - a 2yo does not know or care what a funeral is and they won't feel deprived if they don't go. A formal event where people are grieving isn't an opportunity for you to performatively teach your toddler about death/saying goodbye - there are more age-appropriate ways of doing that with under-5s than taking them to a funeral.

As for the lovely PPs trying to show what warm-hearted and tolerant people they are by calling a mourner who clearly was grieving, showing respect, and taking the service seriously a "bitch", a "random judgmental twat", a "grief vampire", a "snot nosed witch"... words fail me. Have a bit of compassion for someone who may have just lost their best friend - that person is certainly feeling the loss more keenly than the OP's toddler DS.

Everyone insisted I took my then just turned 3 year old to my great uncle's funeral. I wasn't going to but people thought it might cheer the day up a bit. He was actually well behaved and everybody made a fuss of him at the afternoon tea. It sounds strange to say but we had a good time and my uncle was quite old-pushing 80. I wouldn't take a toddler to the funeral of a young person unless they were close.

Could be worse. Front row. Coffin brought in. Ds asked where the deceased was.

(Front row for the reason of being close family so the rest of close family knew this was likely )

And wanted him there.

I’d like to know where the line is drawn at what should be allowed to interrupt someone’s period of quiet reflection and mourning.

Someone coughing? Sneezing? Someone loudly crying in their own grief?

Or is the line drawn at a small child who dares to be happy?

TheOccupier

but your LOOONG answer misses 2 key points.

1. the family wanted the toddler there
2. the OP had the right to be there as a close family member, and had no-one to look after dc, so no dc also means that OP can't be there.

Given that THE FAMILY wanted the dc there, I find it ironic that anyone else's opinion matters really, in real life or online

@BlackeyedSusan

Could be worse. Front row. Coffin brought in. Ds asked where the deceased was.

(Front row for the reason of being close family so the rest of close family knew this was likely )

My cousin, age 5 at my grandmother's funeral. She had requested a wicker casket. Cousins had had it explained to them carefully that Granny was going to be in a special box and this was part of us saying good bye.

Wicker casket is carried in, 5 year old pipes up in indignation to my aunt, "that's not a box, it's a basket".

Nobody minded. Granny would have laughed too.

I had to take all mine to funerals as toddlers. I was mourning just as much as anyone else, only I had to do it whilst parenting my little ones. I'm sure some people weren't thrilled but quite honestly that's their problem not mine. I know my relatives wanted them there. I know my deceased relatives would've been grinning from ear to ear at the thought of them singing or giggling.

We always take our children to funerals of people they knew. At my uncle's funeral his grandchildren ran up to his photo on the coffin and said loudly "that's my grandad" and everyone cried.

When my then-baby daughter cried at a funeral I took her outside.
Family members thanked me for bringing her and said the deceased person would have been pleased that I brought her and you know, they were pleased to be reminded that life goes on, especially as funerals are ofter a long time after the death and people are over the initial shock.
You were perfectly all right OP.

It's up to you and the family. I'm sorry this woman spoiled your experience.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I took both my children to my mums funeral, at the time they were 4 and 7. The eldest is autistic so does not understand societal norms. They were a great source of comfort to me and my family during the day. It was a non-religious and non formal service at a natural burial ground in the countryside with space for them run around and be themselves at the wake.

However, I did not take them to their great grandads funeral as I sought guidance from my MIL who said that although her father lived them dearly, she felt the formal and church environment was not right. We met them at the pub for the wake afterwards instead.

If the family have invited or have otherwise ok'd young children being there then it is entirely inappropriate for randoms to start shooting judgey looks. For what its worth OP I think you did the right thing. I'd put the judgey lady firmly out of your mind.

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.

Rubbish! As a family we specifically asked my niece to come with her small baby when my father died. He did make some small noise but so what? He brought some life into an otherwise dreadful event.

Never mind a toddler I took my mum who had dementia to her sisters funeral. We sat at the back.
Mum - what are we doing in here
Me. - We're at Mass
Mum - Is that a Coffin
Me - Yes, you need to be quiet in here.
Mum - This is fucking stupid everyone looks miserable let's go to the pub.
Me - You need to be quiet
When we stood to sing a hymn she started to sing loudly(she knew every word) she then took my hand as if she wanted to dance.
My family members insisted that mum came to the funeral. She was the last sibling left out of 10. Personally, I found it stressful. I'd rather have a room full of toddlers.

I have never understood the 'funerals are no place for children' thing.
The only reason not to take a child to a funeral is if the child would be upset by the funeral. (I don't mean upset because they are grieving, I mean overcome by the service/church/large numbers of people/the idea of a body etc)
I wouldn't take a random child though, I'm referring to children who are part of the mourning family and friends.

I was at a service at our church recently. The family had asked for the church-goers to attend as the family weren't religious and wanted help with the responses and singing.

The deceased's grandkids were there. Their mum apologised to me for their behaviour. I thought this was super strange. The kids were the mourners, I was the random.
(Also being very used to the behaviour of kids in church, I thought they were immaculately behaved and you wouldn't have known they were there.

In our culture children dotn come to funerals so it wouldn’t occur to me to see a toddler there, it’s unheard of but if your family wanted it then fine

My grandma with dementia caused more of a disturbance at the last funeral I went to than my toddlers ever did. No one would say she shouldn't be there.

@steppemum

TheOccupier

but your LOOONG answer misses 2 key points.

1. the family wanted the toddler there
2. the OP had the right to be there as a close family member, and had no-one to look after dc, so no dc also means that OP can't be there.

Given that THE FAMILY wanted the dc there, I find it ironic that anyone else's opinion matters really, in real life or online

Unless THE FAMILY were the only people attending, it's not only about what they want. Friends matter too and many people are closer to friends than they are to family. And in any case, most people would find it hard to tell someone not to bring their child to a service, especially if it meant they wouldn't be able to attend themself - doesn't mean they actively wanted the child there. As for your second point, sometimes when you have young children and no childcare you do have to miss out on things. Should the OP also take her toddler to the theatre or out clubbing if she wants to go but can't find a babysitter?