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Original poster

I took my toddler to a funeral today...

243 replies

Georgepigismylife · 01/02/2022 19:14

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

OP posts:
AddingMustard · 01/02/2022 21:47

You had every right to be there. I think your mistake though was this sat on the back row closest to the door. - you were trying to be too considerate. Probably she had no clue who you were, whereas if you'd been sat at the front with family, it would have been obvious.

I'm sorry for your loss. Try not to dwell on it, you did nothing wrong.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2022 21:59

I had a funeral today. My Uncle passed and his grandson has severe physical and cognitive disabilities. He was noisy because thats how he is, and it made me cry because I know how much him and my uncle loved each other.

Ignore the bitch who made you feel bad, you know your aunt, you know that she wanted you both there and this grief vampire will go home and make herself feel superior when she was probably (at best) a passing aquaintance and not someone your aunt geruinely loved like she loved you and your child

Flowers from someone else who has had a bollocks of a day x

Briony123 · 01/02/2022 22:04

My first sleepover was aged 4. I stayed at my friend's house so my parents could attend my grandfather's funeral. No one ever considered me going, it's totally inappropriate.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 01/02/2022 22:08

@Briony123

My first sleepover was aged 4. I stayed at my friend's house so my parents could attend my grandfather's funeral. No one ever considered me going, it's totally inappropriate.
It's not at all inappropriate for a small child to attend a funeral if the family wants them to attend. My 3 year old brought me much joy at a recent funeral. And I went to my grandparents' funerals when I was 4,8 and 10 and I'm glad I did.
derxa · 01/02/2022 22:09

@PyongyangKipperbang

I had a funeral today. My Uncle passed and his grandson has severe physical and cognitive disabilities. He was noisy because thats how he is, and it made me cry because I know how much him and my uncle loved each other.

Ignore the bitch who made you feel bad, you know your aunt, you know that she wanted you both there and this grief vampire will go home and make herself feel superior when she was probably (at best) a passing aquaintance and not someone your aunt geruinely loved like she loved you and your child

Flowers from someone else who has had a bollocks of a day x

Flowers M'dear
PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2022 22:10

@derxa Thank you my love

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2022 22:15

@Briony123

My first sleepover was aged 4. I stayed at my friend's house so my parents could attend my grandfather's funeral. No one ever considered me going, it's totally inappropriate.
No it isnt.

At one point it was considered inappropriate which is why you have full on proper grown ups who struggle with the concept of death. But historically, death was as much a part of getting on with life as was everything else, work, love, harvest, death, birth....it all happened and was just one of those things.

You are not protecting a child from death by not allowing them to attend funerals, just projecting the pain forward and increasing it massively.

derxa · 01/02/2022 22:17

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@derxa Thank you my love[/quote]
The thing is that those of us who have had to endure horrific bereavements wouldn't have noticed who was at the funeral. my brother died when he was 32. If 60 toddlers had started to cry it wouldn't have made any difference. My brother has gone.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2022 22:19

I feel I need to add that when my Grandfather passed my son and daughter both attended his funeral. DS was 11 and very very close to him, DD was 4. DD was sad and confused that this meant he really had gone. DS was heartbroken and had the right to say goodbye.

A couple of weeks later I got a letter from my Great Uncle saying he felt moved to write after being touched by my sons pain and the dignity he had shown. My son has the same condition that my cousins son (I mentioned above) has but to a lesser extent.

I am genuinely confused about why anyone would think that a child grieving is somehow inaproppriate tbh.

GlamGiraffe · 01/02/2022 22:20

@ahcmonnow Seriously? Did you miss the part where OP is a grieving family member of the deceased? Or are you just unkind?

Funerals, like life happen, it us important you were there to say goodbye, grieve and mark the occasion. The main members of the party were happy for you to be there with your child, you are a family. Don't let one sour person spoil your experience. In death we also remember life, a small child should be the perfect reminder of that.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 01/02/2022 22:23

I wouldn’t take my toddler to a funeral as I wouldn’t want to upset or traumatise him with what is a very sad occasion and adults who are very upset. However, I would not judge you for bringing you child and think you 100% did the right thing so don’t need to worry about this other lady’s opinion.

KERALA1 · 01/02/2022 22:24

Personally wouldnt take a young child to a funeral. Each to their own but also think its inappropriate.

penguin23 · 01/02/2022 22:28

It amazes me how children are unwelcome at most life events these days, weddings, funerals, you name it. It’s something I will never understand. Children at a funeral would give me hope and the feeling that life goes on. I had children at my wedding, family and friends children, couldn’t imagine it any other way. Each to their own but the judgement of children in general astounds me, we were all noisy children once. Don’t worry OP, you did nothing wrong, that woman should have kept her judgment to herself, she probably had no idea you were family so you and your child likely had even more right to be there than her! 💐

MaChienEstUnDick · 01/02/2022 22:33

I think this is one of my rare but heartfelt 'catholicism does things right' moments. We were brought up to believe that mass is a sacrament for the whole family. In fact, I remember as a Guide suggesting a crèche for fundraising and the priest putting a hard stop on that as children belonged inside the congregation.

By the time I was 8 I must have been to 100 funerals as they tended to be on a Wednesday which was the day the whole school went to mass, usually because the family wanted the school there.

Children are part of life. So is death.

sillysmiles · 01/02/2022 22:38

imo death is a part of life and something the while upsetting shouldn't be mysterious to children.
But I'm Irish and it's perfectly normal here for children to attend funerals.

BooksAndHooks · 01/02/2022 22:39

There were 7 toddlers at my Nan’s funeral, exactly as she’d have wanted doesn’t matter if they make noise. If the family have said it’s ok there’s nothing to be sorry about.

boringcreation · 01/02/2022 22:51

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.
She was family, she was grieving. Her and her child have every right to be there
Pbbananabagel · 01/02/2022 23:07

I firmly believe that a baby/toddler or two is really good for everyone at a funeral. They remind us that life is a cycle and you can’t experience they great joy of a new life without also experience the sorrow of its ending. I took my baby to a family funeral and the mother of the deceased came straight over to us at the wake and sat with my son on her knee for a good half hour or so. She said it made her feel so much better. You did the right thing by going OP and the idea that children shouldn’t experience funerals is a specifically western, fast becoming outdated concept. I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/02/2022 23:24

The earlier kids realise that death is a part of life ,the better. You did nothing wrong OP and left when they got noisy. Sorry for your loss.

LynetteScavo · 01/02/2022 23:36

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.
This is one of the most ridiculous things I've read on MN, and I've read quite a few ridiculous things on here.

Please don't feel bad OP. You did nothing wrong- you and your toddler had every right to be there. I've heard some horrible singing at funerals, so I'm sure a toddler shouting wasn't that bad. The disapproving woman was in the wrong. How very rude of her to make you feel bad.

PizzaCrust · 02/02/2022 00:00

@Kite22

The fact you didn't even know her makes me feel like she probably turned up for the food rather than to actually grieve.

Oh, fgs, don't be ridiculous.

I haven't known most people at any of my Aunts and Uncles' funerals, because I don't live with them and don't go to their activities so I obviously don't know most of their friends (or, indeed family from the in laws side).

I didn't know may of the people that came to my Dad's funeral, or my Mum's funeral but was very touched that they took the time and trouble to come and pay their respects, and tell us how my Mum, or my Dad had graced their lives.

I’m not being ridiculous, at all, “for God’s sake”.

If defending a snot nosed witch at a funeral who thinks it’s acceptable to give a grieving family member a dirty look because they brought their child to a funeral of a close member of their family is what resonates with you, then I’m incredibly glad I don’t know you.

Also, note how in your little anecdotes these people were telling you good things about the family member who passed away? Not sitting a few pews over looking at you like they would when they’ve stepped in a dog shit.

The whole point of a funeral is to celebrate the life of those who have passed. That’s why you read out passages that resonate with them, play their songs, tell stories about them. OPs Aunt was clearly very found of OPs child so she would have obviously wanted them to be there. It’s incredibly bad taste to give anyone a dirty look at a funeral (or any time in life, to be honest- it’s just childish), but even more so because this cow genuinely thought her opinion on what a funeral should be should override the person who’s funeral it was and their families’ wishes.

It’s disgusting and really quite disrespectful behaviour.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 00:28

[quote OkPedro]@Luredbyapomegranate
Why would anyone be disturbed by the presence of a child Confused[/quote]
@OkPedro

Because little children are noisy, obviously Confused

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 02/02/2022 00:46

Your aunt would likely have considered him cute.

Trinacham · 02/02/2022 07:23

I think it is appropriate to take a young child when it was a close relative. So many snowflakes on this thread!

steppemum · 02/02/2022 07:33

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.
I couldn't disagree more.

If it is close family, then the occasion is for the family. If the family want the kids there, then they have every right to be there.

Obviously no appropriate if not close family. But this was.