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Original poster

I took my toddler to a funeral today...

243 replies

Georgepigismylife · 01/02/2022 19:14

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 01/02/2022 19:31

@SickAndTiredAgain

If your aunt’s immediate family had said it was fine, then I think that woman was rude.
^ this Your aunt would have wanted you there, your family agreed. The End.

Flowers I’m sorry for your loss

Kite22 · 01/02/2022 19:34

I am sorry for your loss, but what did you think was going to happen ?
I can't understand why anyone would want to take a toddler to a funeral.
my son had every right to be there

This doesn't make any sense. What was your son getting out of the experience ?

Cakeandcardio · 01/02/2022 19:35

This reply has been deleted

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Enko · 01/02/2022 19:37

I love toddlers and young ones at funeral they to me reaffirm thst life goes on. However I was brought up in a culture of it being utterly normal for a child to be at a funeral and noone would bat an eyelid

Tiramysu · 01/02/2022 19:37

My family loved hearing my little one start babbling at a family funeral. One member came up to me at the end and said how it had given them hope. You can't help it and the family said they were happy for them to attend.

doitwithlove · 01/02/2022 19:40

Personally I would never have taken a toddler or kids up to 10yrs old to a funeral service.

TallulahHula · 01/02/2022 19:42

Some horrible comments here. Only a really nasty person would stick the boot in with a grieving person after an incident like this. Shame on you.

Op the family said it was ok for your toddler to be there. You are family. Ignore the vile woman who was eyeballing you, she obviously wasn't close to your aunt if she didn't realise you were her niece and she would have wanted you and your child there.

You left as soon as your dc started making noises, nothing else you could have done. Don't beat yourself up at all. Sorry for your loss x

Flaxmeadow · 01/02/2022 19:42

Christenings, weddings and funerals are part of life. Children are part of life.

I really don't understand this idea that children should not be at these events, and that if they are at these events then they shouldn't behave like children.

Please don't let this woman upset you OP, you have done nothing wrong Flowers

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 01/02/2022 19:42

Snacks, chocolate and quiet toys at a funeral Confused I'm with the lady on this one, sorry.

Ginger1982 · 01/02/2022 19:45

I had to take my then 3 year old to my Gran's funeral as it was during lockdown in 2020 and there was nowhere else he could go and no-one to look after him. I know it's what my Gran would have wanted, but he didn't sit still and wasn't particularly quiet so I felt as though I couldn't really grieve in the moment. Plus I wasn't able to sit with my mum who had to sit alone.

If I'd had a choice I wouldn't have taken him. But it's done now, so I wouldn't worry about it.

TheCanyon · 01/02/2022 19:47

I took my twins to my grans funeral when they were 1. I wouldn't ever do it again, they were fine but I felt really uptight just incase they were noisy. A lot of the family hadn't met the twins as we live far away so they all asked for them to be there.

But it was a proper family affair as my grans brother was a Benedictine monk and did the mass himself.

Kite22 · 01/02/2022 19:48

Some horrible comments here. Only a really nasty person would stick the boot in with a grieving person after an incident like this. Shame on you.

a) no-ne has made nasty comments
b) no-one is sticking the boot in

The OP has posted on an open forum on the internet, so can expect people to offer their opinions.
Just because people's opinions vary, it doesn't mean that a differing opinion is 'nasty'.

Eeiliethya · 01/02/2022 19:49

Toddlers are going to toddle and make noise. It was your Aunties funeral, your immediate family were ok with it so fuck anyone else.

I took my nearly 1 year old to my nans funeral. My Nan loved the bones off my DD and by god she had more right to be there than bloody 3rd cousin once removed Joan or whoever. Noise during hymns or not.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 01/02/2022 19:49

Sorry for your loss.
I’d be happy to have babies, toddlers or DC at my funeral.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 01/02/2022 19:51

@Kite22

Some horrible comments here. Only a really nasty person would stick the boot in with a grieving person after an incident like this. Shame on you.

a) no-ne has made nasty comments
b) no-one is sticking the boot in

The OP has posted on an open forum on the internet, so can expect people to offer their opinions.
Just because people's opinions vary, it doesn't mean that a differing opinion is 'nasty'.

Well she posted in chat not AIBU for starters, and I don't know how else to read the first reply, never mind some of the later ones, other than that they are sticking the boot in.

strawberrrycheeesecake · 01/02/2022 19:51

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.
What a load of shit.

If the alternative was that the OP couldn't go then she had every right to attend with her child and do the best she could.

I wouldn't take a child to a distant relative or an acquaintances funeral, but hell no would I be missing a close relatives funeral because some snooty cow might pull their face about a child.

Testingprof · 01/02/2022 19:52

@Kite22

I am sorry for your loss, but what did you think was going to happen ? I can't understand why anyone would want to take a toddler to a funeral. my son had every right to be there

This doesn't make any sense. What was your son getting out of the experience ?

That she’d be allowed to pay her respects to a beloved member of her and her sons family.

Her son likely go nothing out of it but I’m sure the OP would have got more out of it if others were to have minded their own business or be kind and offer support.

I too had to take my toddler DC to a close family members funeral, it was miles away from home so I couldn’t get him to nursery and also attend the funeral. All of my family was attending the funeral, in my case I was trapped at the front so couldn’t escape if DS decided to shout.
Thankfully he was quiet and sat playing with the order of service. However, I wouldn’t have wanted to be the person to say anything about him being there, there were plenty of family members who’d have given them what for.

@doitwithlove lucky you, in the first 8 years of my DSs life he lost two grandparents and a great uncle. Should I/he not have attended those funerals due to your arbitrary age limit?

iklboo · 01/02/2022 19:53

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.

The grieving family wanted the toddler there.
The head shaking judgey woman was some random who probably fills her time going to funerals of complete strangers.

strawberrrycheeesecake · 01/02/2022 19:54

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

Snacks, chocolate and quiet toys at a funeral Confused I'm with the lady on this one, sorry.
Would have been a whole lot worse without these things.
FrugalFrancine · 01/02/2022 19:55

I don't get why anyone would object to a toddler who is in the family, being at the funeral and making toddler noises, especially since op took him outside straight away. I have lost loved ones like everyone else, and I just don't know what gets into people like like head shaking woman. Who do people like that really think they are?

Tiramysu · 01/02/2022 19:55

@ahcmonnow

I am sure people wish you didn't either. No place for a toddler shouting during a funeral mass where there are grieving people.
The family were happy for the toddler to be there. No one mentioned Mass. And OP took them out as soon as they were loud.

You did fine OP. And I'm sorry for your loss.

DappledThings · 01/02/2022 19:55

You did nothing wrong. There have always been children at funerals I've attended of all ages. They have always been seen as family events in my experience and family means all family. Same as weddings.

I think I am very influenced by having been taken to church all my life and then taking my own children from birth. So children in a quiet, contemplative environment has always had its place.

TheOccupier · 01/02/2022 19:55

You made a bad choice. Saying you and your child "had every right to be there" sounds very entitled and shows a complete lack of consideration for other mourners.

OkPedro · 01/02/2022 19:55

Sorry for your loss op Flowers
I wouldn't have left because someone you didn't know at YOUR aunt's funeral was annoyed!
Both my children were at my Mam's funeral there was no question about that.. my cousin's brought their children too. My daughter was 4 and shouted out a few times which made everyone laugh.. a bit of laughter and a child's innocence was needed that day

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/02/2022 19:56

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think if you could possibly have left your toddler with someone that would have been better. A toddler can't get anything out of the event, and your aunt likely had friends as well as family, at least one of whom found his presence disturbing. Of course, if you can't, you can't, but the woman's position is also understandable.

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