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Original poster

I took my toddler to a funeral today...

243 replies

Georgepigismylife · 01/02/2022 19:14

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

OP posts:
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 01/02/2022 20:30

A lot of assumptions going on. The 'old rude lady' might've been a close friend of your Aunty for many years. I have immediate family that I'm not close to but have long standing friends who I'd choose any day over them. Yet she is being dismissed as a nobody.

Some people may welcome the distraction of a child making noise at a funeral but I'd bet that many many people wouldn't when trying to reflect on that person's life they are mourning and trying to do so in peace and quiet contemplation. Other people's children are irritating at the best of times which most parents are oblivious to.

Just because people may appear to be smiling on the outside doesn't mean they probably aren't wishing you would take the child outside, like the PP's child storming down to the coffin and being entertaining which gave people an 'outlet for their grief'. I'd bet they didn't share that rose tinted view.

Ohpulltheotherone · 01/02/2022 20:31

@SickAndTiredAgain

If your aunt’s immediate family had said it was fine, then I think that woman was rude.
Exactly.

The wishes of the deceased and the immediate loved ones are what really matters here.

One of my closest relatives died recently and I took my toddler to the funeral. Relation had absolutely doted on my child, loved him to bits and would have wanted him there, so everyone could see him and meet him etc.

I was their closest relation and I organised the funeral. There was no question of DC not attending with me.
When he inevitably started to make noise, one of my friends took him in pushchair for a walk through the gardens.

The woman was rude to make a face at you - it wasn’t her families funeral so even if she personally wouldn’t choose to bring a child, she had no right to pass judgment.

Sorry for your loss OP

Chocoqueen · 01/02/2022 20:31

@ASimpleLobsterHat

Sorry this happened to you OP. If your family were happy for your toddler to be there then that is all that matters. Ignore the other woman. Sorry for you loss Flowers
This.

I took DD to a family members funeral when she was 2 months old - the deceased's widow and children all wanted her there and sat at the front with the rest of the family, even after I offered to leave her outside or at the back with DH. She was (fortunately) pretty quiet throughout but as far as i was concerned the most important people there had expressed their wishes and that was that.

You were right to take him.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 01/02/2022 20:34

My grandaughter was at my Nanas funeral. If anyone had given dirty looks they'd have been the ones asked to leave.

My nanas immediate family were more important to her than any friend or other family members

ahcmonnow · 01/02/2022 20:34

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

A lot of assumptions going on. The 'old rude lady' might've been a close friend of your Aunty for many years. I have immediate family that I'm not close to but have long standing friends who I'd choose any day over them. Yet she is being dismissed as a nobody.

Some people may welcome the distraction of a child making noise at a funeral but I'd bet that many many people wouldn't when trying to reflect on that person's life they are mourning and trying to do so in peace and quiet contemplation. Other people's children are irritating at the best of times which most parents are oblivious to.

Just because people may appear to be smiling on the outside doesn't mean they probably aren't wishing you would take the child outside, like the PP's child storming down to the coffin and being entertaining which gave people an 'outlet for their grief'. I'd bet they didn't share that rose tinted view.

Absolutely this.
VivX · 01/02/2022 20:35

To be honest, I brought my own toddler to a close family funeral. dc was a bit noisy but there was nobody who could have had dc as they were all at the funeral too.
Not that anyone minded, anyway.

If a bit of toddler noise at a funeral is all people have to worry about, well, then they're very lucky.

Whoever that woman was, don't spend another minute worrying about what she thought.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/02/2022 20:35

I took my then 7 and 11 year olds to my aunt's funeral. No one else to leave them with (they were also at the funeral) and my cunt of an ex refused to come home from work early to care for them (he wasn't an ex at the time). I wasn't going to miss my aunt's funeral, but the kids were really good as gold.

I also took the youngest to the funeral of my godmother when he was 4 months old. Sat at the back ready to nip outside if he made a noise, but he slept right through it.

I'd do it again.

DappledThings · 01/02/2022 20:36

None of which is unacceptable any more than it is unacceptable in a normal Sunday mass or a wedding
Really, that would be acceptable to you at a wedding? During the vows and the video, that shouting would be ok?
Well I think videos are naff anyway but yes, a little interruption does no harm. At my wedding one 18 month old shouted "Noooo" just as the question about just impediments was asked. It was funny.

The child wasn't being allowed to run around, or go up to anyone else or shout for any length of time before being temporarily removed. All totally normal and fine
The child was only removed when another mourner showed her disgust at the racket.
Probably because it wasn't actually that loud or disturbing given only one woman seems to have reacted.

Massive fuss over nothing.

ahcmonnow · 01/02/2022 20:39

Well I think videos are naff anyway but yes, a little interruption does no harm. At my wedding one 18 month old shouted "Noooo" just as the question about just impediments was asked. It was funny

Absolutely NOTHING funny about that....especially for the bride and groom.

DappledThings · 01/02/2022 20:40

Absolutely NOTHING funny about that....especially for the bride and groom.
As the bride I disagree! And I can confirm DH would also disagree.

ahcmonnow · 01/02/2022 20:43

@DappledThings

Absolutely NOTHING funny about that....especially for the bride and groom. As the bride I disagree! And I can confirm DH would also disagree.
Ha ha I missed the part where you said it was your wedding, of course you would think your little one shouting was funny but I am sure if it were not your kid it wouldn't have ticked your funny bone so much.
MindyStClaire · 01/02/2022 20:44

This is a topic that always gets a huge range of responses.

In my culture children at funerals is completely normal. Death and funerals are seen as a normal part of life. When my dad died my baby was at the funeral, and if it had been a church service my toddler would've been too but we left her elsewhere as it was an open coffin. The only person I'd discuss it with is DH so we could decide whether it was logistically easier to bring them or not.

You and this woman had a culture clash. You acted appropriately. She did not.

derxa · 01/02/2022 20:44

@mathanxiety

Some people hate children and also have poles up their butts.

You met one of them today.

So sorry for your loss.

Absolutely right.
sadpapercourtesan · 01/02/2022 20:44

At my wedding the 3yo flower girl farted fulsomely all the way through the vows and the entire front pew was in stitches. DH and I were laughing too - because we were delighted to be surrounded by our loved ones who had made the effort to be with us. All of them, including the babies and toddlers.

For us our wedding was about celebrating a major life event with loved ones. Not insta-worthy photos/matching seat covers/narcissism.

OP's aunt and her family clearly felt the same way about funerals, and as such they wanted her and her child there.

BoredatHome321 · 01/02/2022 20:45

@PaleGreenGhost

I took my then 5 year old to the funeral of a close family member. They most certainly got something from going, because they were affected by the death in their own way too. They came in fancy dress, which the deceased would really have approved of, ditto the fact they were not especially quiet 100% of the time. Children and death are both inescapable, necessary parts of life.
I went to my grandads funeral in a bright football kit when I was young. He would of absolutely loved it.
tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/02/2022 20:45

So sorry for your loss OP.

My children went to a funeral aged 5 and 7. It was their dad’s. There were quite a few little ones there because all our mates were in their 30s like us. I felt held up by all generations.

DappledThings · 01/02/2022 20:46

Ha ha I missed the part where you said it was your wedding, of course you would think your little one shouting was funny but I am sure if it were not your kid it wouldn't have ticked your funny bone so much.
Still wrong I'm afraid. Wasn't my kid (didn't have any when we got married). Friend's child. Friend apologised profusely afterwards, I told her it was funny and not to worry at all.

PurBal · 01/02/2022 20:47

Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss.
Secondly, your toddler did absolutely nothing wrong. Churches are living, breathing organisms and your son is an amazing part of that. Yes you did have every right to be there. Children should be at funerals, we shouldn’t be coy about death. Also the people that tut in church generally don’t go to church. (I assume church funeral due to hymns, but even if it wasn’t my points still stand).
I got my boobs out at the front of church on Sunday. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I walked to the altar rail and took communion on Sunday whilst my son breastfed. Very traditional church, all other congregation retired except me. Not one person tutted and 3 people came up to me to make positive comments. Please continue to take your toddler to life events, they’re important.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 01/02/2022 20:47

Sorry but it’s weird that children aren’t welcome at funerals in their country

Where I’m from we have toddlers at the wake and everything with the open casket and everything -

We had lots of small ones at my Nana’s funeral and it made the whole thing less gloomy and more of a nice celebration of her life and she would have wanted it that way.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2022 20:48

I tthink it unwise to take a toddler to a funeral. Its just not done, Many people find it disrespectful and inappropriate.

HangoverSquare · 01/02/2022 20:50

you had checked with the chief mourners in advance, so of course you weren't being disrespectful or inappropriate.

Momijin · 01/02/2022 20:51

I don't think young kids/kids should be at a funeral but that woman was being a dick. Of course she is probably grieving

derxa · 01/02/2022 20:51

@tunnocksreturns2019

So sorry for your loss OP.

My children went to a funeral aged 5 and 7. It was their dad’s. There were quite a few little ones there because all our mates were in their 30s like us. I felt held up by all generations.

Flowers tunnocks The attitudes to death and funerals on here is bizarre and disturbing.
MindyStClaire · 01/02/2022 20:52

@Viviennemary

I tthink it unwise to take a toddler to a funeral. Its just not done, Many people find it disrespectful and inappropriate.
Clearly it's absolutely done for a great many people on here.

Where I'm from, judging someone for bringing their child to a family event just isn't done, even if that event is a funeral.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 01/02/2022 20:55

We took DS to his great grandmother’s funeral when is was 2.5. There were 6 children under 3 there, all great grand children of the deceased. One by one they got taken out.

FiL (son of the deceased) said later, that coming out of the crematorium and seeing all his grandchildren and great nephews/nieces running around lifted his heart.

At my DF’s funeral, my toddler nephew escaped his parents’ arms and “discovered” light switches. Again, a little light relief.

I’m sure there were a few people who appreciated your son’s presence OP.