Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I took my toddler to a funeral today...

243 replies

Georgepigismylife · 01/02/2022 19:14

Wish I hadn't.

Family had all ok'd him being there, I was worried he would start getting loud so I took plenty of snacks including chocolate, Quiet toys and sat on the back row closest to the door.

A few little murmurs which was understandable, nothing loud. Until the hymns then he started shouting. Told him to be quiet or we would have to leave and looked to my right to see a woman looking at me in disgust shaking her head.
I took him out the door straight away.

I felt awful but especially because it was my aunties funeral and both myself and my son had every right to be there. Family wanted us there and my auntie would have wanted us there.

No idea who this woman was but it's made the day even sadder.

OP posts:
Eeiliethya · 01/02/2022 19:57

@TheOccupier

You made a bad choice. Saying you and your child "had every right to be there" sounds very entitled and shows a complete lack of consideration for other mourners.
Are you having a laugh?
OkPedro · 01/02/2022 19:59

@Luredbyapomegranate
Why would anyone be disturbed by the presence of a child Confused

Eeiliethya · 01/02/2022 19:59

@TheOccupier

You made a bad choice. Saying you and your child "had every right to be there" sounds very entitled and shows a complete lack of consideration for other mourners.
Can you explain exactly how the presence of a toddler shows lack of consideration to other mourners? How exactly does a toddler affect your grieving at a funeral?

I'm genuinely interested.

AliceW89 · 01/02/2022 19:59

@TheOccupier

You made a bad choice. Saying you and your child "had every right to be there" sounds very entitled and shows a complete lack of consideration for other mourners.
The family had asked OP and her toddler to be there. Other mourners should show some respect for the wishes of the immediate family.
Ilkleymoor · 01/02/2022 20:00

I think it's good to have your child there if the close family are happy. Last funeral I went to was a very family friendly church, including loud older children with SEN and it made for a lovely service and an inclusive vibe that very much suited the person we were grieving and celebrating.

Look after yourself, sorry this person thought being rude in a church took precedence over your attendance.

BuffaloHigh · 01/02/2022 20:06

Whether or not it’s appropriate to have young children at a funeral completely depends on what the close family want. There’s no rule saying they shouldn’t attend.

PaleGreenGhost · 01/02/2022 20:07

I took my then 5 year old to the funeral of a close family member. They most certainly got something from going, because they were affected by the death in their own way too. They came in fancy dress, which the deceased would really have approved of, ditto the fact they were not especially quiet 100% of the time. Children and death are both inescapable, necessary parts of life.

ahcmonnow · 01/02/2022 20:08

The OP was worried he was going to be loud from the outset so brought snacks, "quiet" toys and chocolate into the church to try avoid this. When hymns began he started shouting, the OP did not bring him outside but told him to be quiet or they would have to leave. it was not until the disapproving look from another mourner was the child brought outside.
That DOES disturb other mourners... most of all the OP herself who ended up taking her child outside because he was too noisy..as kids are. So SHE missed out on her Aunt's funeral too as well as disturbing everyone else. Makes no sense at all.

Soakitup37 · 01/02/2022 20:10

I’m sorry for your loss, you absolutely should have taken them. When my nan died (mums mum) I took my then 18 month old son, we sat at the back and when the one of the hymns finished he started cheering and clapping. The family turned inc my mother and others and they all gave a little smile, it was a relief for them in a really high intense situation, when I explained to my son at the end that we needed to go to the front to say goodbye he frog marched down the front where the coffin was and shouted a very abrupt BYE! And stomped off. Again it made people laugh and gave them an outlet for their emotions.

The rest of the day he was cheering people up by being a focus and a point of conversation. Your auntie would have wanted them there like you say. Anyone who’s going to get huffy about this is in the wrong. Nothing you did was bad at all.

In fact thank you for reminding me of that day, my son helped make a very difficult more manageable and everyone said how much my Nan would have laughed her head off if she’d known what he did! :)

Mo1911 · 01/02/2022 20:11

If your aunt would've wanted you there then that's all that matters. Everyone else can take a long walk off a short pier.

Sorry for your loss.

sadpapercourtesan · 01/02/2022 20:15

Some people do the cat's bum face when they see a child in a place they don't think a child ought to be, whether or not said child is actually misbehaving. I've seen posters on MN up in arms about a child being in a smart restaurant in the evening - sitting nicely and eating - because they think they've got some god-given right to "adult space". They don't. If the restaurant didn't allow children, they wouldn't be there. If your aunt's family hadn't wanted your son there, he wouldn't have been there.

I'd write it off as an unfortunate encounter with one of life's professional sourpusses, and be grateful you don't have to live with her Grin

MissMaple82 · 01/02/2022 20:16

You were in the wrong taking your toddler to a funeral. It's no place for a young child. Makes no odds to him being there yet impacts others final goodbyes massively. I'd of shot you a look too

ThreeRingCircus · 01/02/2022 20:18

If the immediate family were happy with your toddler being there then that is all that matters. I've taken DD1 to a funeral when she was 18 months and DD2 to another at the age of 2. In both cases it was immediate family members and the rest of the family were absolutely fine with it. Your family were fine with it too OP, ignore that rude old cow shaking her head at you.....you and your toddler are family members of the deceased!

itwasntaparty · 01/02/2022 20:18

I took dts to their great grand mother's funeral just shy of two years. We stayed outside for the whole of the service / in the crying room, wouldn't have considered taking them inside. At the wake they were a wonderful distraction. Guess it depends on your family and what's 'normal'.

FrownedUpon · 01/02/2022 20:19

I would never take a toddler to a funeral. It’s just not appropriate.

HeddaGarbled · 01/02/2022 20:19

I actually think this is a situation where nobody did anything wrong. It was just bad luck and was quickly resolved.

Don’t dwell on it, and don’t demonise your fellow mourner. The day was not about you, your toddler nor disapproving-look-lady.

Lollypop701 · 01/02/2022 20:20

Your little one is a continuation of your aunts family. Your family wanted you there. You were celebrating her life. Both of you had more right to be there than the cantankerous old woman. Quite frankly when I go, all the people who would look at a child and her mum in that way can stay home. Saying goodbye is not just for people with no kids or people lucky enough to have child care

Bwix · 01/02/2022 20:21

I took my dd to my grandmother’s funeral. Seeing her great-granddaughter was a huge pleasure for dgm and she’d not have batted an eyelid about dd being a toddler in the service. Dd must have been about 16m: newly walking and a little bit chatty. She was very good in the service but did an oooh when the coffin went behind the curtain. Fortunately the family know each other well and valued her presence. I don’t think a lot of people who tut at babies. Clearly if they’re making a racket they need to be taken out or for a walk, but not the odd squawk and wobble.

Flickflak · 01/02/2022 20:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ParkheadParadise · 01/02/2022 20:23

You and your child had every right to be there.
I wouldn't let it bother you.
All of my mum 7 Great Grandchildren went to her funeral age 6 and under. They were loud no one said anything.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

DappledThings · 01/02/2022 20:24

@ahcmonnow

The OP was worried he was going to be loud from the outset so brought snacks, "quiet" toys and chocolate into the church to try avoid this. When hymns began he started shouting, the OP did not bring him outside but told him to be quiet or they would have to leave. it was not until the disapproving look from another mourner was the child brought outside. That DOES disturb other mourners... most of all the OP herself who ended up taking her child outside because he was too noisy..as kids are. So SHE missed out on her Aunt's funeral too as well as disturbing everyone else. Makes no sense at all.
None of which is unacceptable any more than it is unacceptable in a normal Sunday mass or a wedding.

Children are welcomed to the church, to every church and funerals are part of the life of the church and its congregation.

The child wasn't being allowed to run around, or go up to anyone else or shout for any length of time before being temporarily removed. All totally normal and fine.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 01/02/2022 20:24

I don't think it was wrong to take him. You took him out when he shouted . I'm very sorry for your loss.

I took my almost three year old to my mum's funeral. We had a slideshow of photos of my mum set to her favourite song, and my daughter shouted 'look that's my grandma!' to every photo Grin

mathanxiety · 01/02/2022 20:25

Some people hate children and also have poles up their butts.

You met one of them today.

So sorry for your loss.

ahcmonnow · 01/02/2022 20:28

None of which is unacceptable any more than it is unacceptable in a normal Sunday mass or a wedding

Really, that would be acceptable to you at a wedding? During the vows and the video, that shouting would be ok?

The child wasn't being allowed to run around, or go up to anyone else or shout for any length of time before being temporarily removed. All totally normal and fine

The child was only removed when another mourner showed her disgust at the racket.

mathanxiety · 01/02/2022 20:28

@Kite22, the fact that people disagreed wasn't what made the comments nasty.

Swipe left for the next trending thread