I’m going to look horrible on my own wedding day

[Caramelvanillafudge]

Arghhh, I’m an idiot.

I am getting married next month. I’ve put on a bit of weight and thought I could lose it in time but it hasn’t happened. I do look fat: there’s no way I can avoid that.

I’ve never been brilliant at putting on makeup and I only wear foundation and mascara. I just don’t suit lipstick or eye shadow or blusher. Stupidly, I thought I’d get someone to do my hair and makeup. And I had a trial run yesterday and it looked RIDICULOUS! The hair style made me look even fatter and I looked like JK Rowling’s description of Dolores Umbridge. The makeup just made me look stupid. There was nothing wrong with how she did it, it just looked silly on me.

I know I could just do my own hair and makeup but then I’ve messed everyone around and spent money I don’t have.

I just want to get married in jeans and a cardigan in a registry office

No, I’m not ‘complaining’ at all.

That's debatable.

I am telling you how things are

We can see this. We can see how you feel, we can see your upset, and we can see you think it's futile.

but people keep insisting that if I do this diet, or wear this, or do this, or have confidence, or smile, or go to therapy, all will be well.

No. Not "all will be well."

People are suggesting that if you diet, you will lose weight. That's it.

"Or wear this...". Yes OP, you're stating how awful you look in your wedding attire. So, shock horror, there's a suggestion about changing the outfit to something you might feel less awful in. I would say good, but anyone that does gets their head bitten off for not understanding you look good in nothing

There are about 50 people giving you advice that genuinely will help you, but you insist you know best. You aren't so unique that things that every single thing that works for other women who feel overweight and unattractive, can't possibly apply to you.

All will be well but I will still look how I look.

Correct. There are things you could do to make yourself look like a more "made up" version, or a more "natural" version. But every suggestion is wrong.

I don’t believe it is self pitying to acknowledge that I am not an attractive woman.

No, that's not self pitying. What's self pitying is "there is no makeup in the world that can ever improve me and none of you know what you're talking about because I have the only face and body in the world that can't look any better, with the right makeup, or the right outfit". Your self esteem is on the floor. When people suggest therapy, that's something they get shouted at for as well. Why is this? You think this is how you should feel??

Please, vent. Vent away. I completely understand that you feel there is no magic wand. But there's a happy medium between having realistic (and not magical) expectations, and actively maintaining misery because you won't help yourself at all.

Couple of things -

Firstly, what does your OH like to see you in? Have a chat and maybe a cry on his shoulder. See if he has any ideas - he may say, "well, if it's upsetting you so much, we'll BOTH wear jeans and cardigans to get married in and say it's a symbol of us marrying the real person, or the dog ate your dress, or something like that".

Secondly, ring up the registry office and see if there are any free slots or otherwise any chance you can elope and have the "legal" wedding early, in jeans, just the two of you plus a couple of friends sworn to everlasting secrecy. Then treat the "big wedding" as the somewhat artificial performance that you feel it is. Might take the pressure off. Failing that, organize a non-legal ceremony yourselves somewhere nice with a few friends, have candid photos of the two of you in normal clothes capering about and hugging and kissing happily, and again then just treat the "big" one like some sort of work meeting.

I get you OP, shall we say the photos of me vary VERY WIDELY in attractiveness and I have definitely had the "want to dress up and look a bit nice and NOTHING WORKS" misery.
FWIW I just got married for the legals, wore cycling clothes, as our witnesses were cycling buddies and we made a ride out of it, and in the photos the registrar more or less made us take, we adopted such deadpan expressions, our wedding photos look like the American Gothic painting! Our friends - who had also dumped a big wedding and eloped when the pressure was just making them cranky - are pissing themselves laughing behind us.

@Comedycook I genuinely see no point in telling him that I feel like a plain, dumpy woman wearing a beautiful dress, that I feel self conscious and silly and think the photos will be horrible.

All that will happen is he will start fretting about the day, feel guilty for enjoying it, and so on.

It really serves no useful purpose. I am all for being honest and open but when the only result of being honest and open is that it causes someone else worry or pain, then I do think such thoughts are best kept to oneself.

Or shared on MN

Not sure if this comment is going to be helpful or even clearly expressed but the societal pressure to feel amazing on your wedding day is insane. How many of us actually look good in the traditional shades of white/gown look? Or feel truly comfortable. It's a performance so I think it is natural to feel silly. A part of the wedding performance is being told you are at your most beautiful so just take it another line in the ritual of the day.

Get through the performance, enjoy the fact your most beautiful days can still be ahead of you (because the idea that we have that one day to feel our best and never again is insane) and best of luck on the marriage

That is helpful, @LaForza101 and I think is largely why I’ve been feeling a bit low about it.

I feel you. It's especially annoying when people make well meaning, but clearly disingenuous comments about how lovely you will look because you know it's not true. I got married last year and hate looking at my wedding photos because I thought I might see an image of myself in a different way. Instead all I see is fat arms, chin sinking into neck, big nose, blah blah and in a dress I wish I hadn't picked. Like you I don't wear much makeup or do much more than straighten my hair daily but thought I'd pay the experts to sort me out. I am glad I did that because I still looked better than normal, but I still felt like a man in drag.
To be fair, I did lose a couple of stone before the wedding but I still am fat and no amount of weight loss will change my face.
All that said, I did have a brilliant day and got pissed so I didn't give two shits about how I looked. Hopefully you do too.

What did you want people to say on this thread? Genuine question.

OP I feel for you, I really do. But this isn’t about your hair and make-up, it is about your lack of self-love and having this wedding day thrust upon you.

Most brides look gorgeous on their wedding day regardless of their size or beauty because they are bursting with happiness. Joy and happiness are beautiful.

You dont have an issue when you are hiding in the background in black trousers, jumper and no make-up but you can’t do that on your wedding day as you’ll be the focus of everyone’s attention.

Getting your head around this is the best thing you can do between now and the big day. Don’t focus on hair and make-up or losing weight. That’s a red herring. Focus on why you love your other half enough to want to get married. Focus on all the joy you are bringing to him and family. This is a day for the 2 of you. You should be happy about that and if you’re not, then there are bigger problems than how you look.

I understand how you feel - one ting that make me look ridiculous is false eyelashes or red lipstick - honestly i look like a clown

i would just ask the make up artist to tone it down - sya you undestand what she did was great but you just dont think it is "you "

same with the hair - just ask for something closer to your own style

dont diet - just eat healthily until the day - otherwise you will depress yourself more

then just try and enjoy the day - its one day and it will be over in a flash.

Please leave OP alone. I feel as though I’m going mad - people don’t seem to be reading what the OP wants or needs. MN is an advice site but also an opportunity to vent. How many times does OP need to say she doesn’t want diet advice?? People can understand without feeling the need to provide advice surely?

This is an interesting thread, OP. I hope it hasn't made you feel more stressed.

A couple of thoughts. Firstly, I was going to say you should work on your self acceptance but you do actually sound quite sorted in this paragraph

"Day to day, I am a slightly overweight, plain, unremarkable woman who nonetheless managed to have a beautiful baby, has a rewarding (sometimes) and worthwhile (sometimes) job with a beautiful home and a husband to be who is lovely (and annoying, sometimes.) "

I found worrying about my appearance on my wedding day quite stressful too. I'm not a girlie girl, so got someone to do my hair and make up, as I really can't, and did feel a bit like I was painted up like someone else. One thing about the makeup though is that it does generally look more subtle in photos than in real life. Either have the make up- or don't. It's up to you, whatever will make you more relaxed.

I'd try to focus on enjoying the day and try to not put so much energy into thinking about what you look like. You will be happy and glowing and surrounded by people who love you, don't let your inner critic ruin it! And just to reiterate the need to silence your inner critic, what if your gorgeous baby (if it's a girl) grows up to look just like her mum, would you call her all these unpleasant things you call yourself on her wedding day? I bet you wouldn't. Have a bit of compassion for yourself! Radical acceptance of who you are (you sound great!), don't let insecurities ruin this important time.

You should still look and feel like you on your wedding day. The artists should tell you that. How do you usually wear your hair when you feel nice? Ask them to do something like that but it will be more polished.

For me I wear my hair down and curly when I feel nice so that’s how my hair will be worn, no faffing about with styles that I’m not used to. Natural no makeup can look like you’re wearing no makeup too, it might just be because you’re not used to seeing yourself looking like that.

@Caramelvanillafudge I know exactly where you’re coming from.
I didn’t want a wedding, I wanted to get married with nobody there. I was 37 when I got married last year, DH booked the (incredible, beautiful) venue 5 weeks before our wedding date while he was out with his mates and text me to say ‘are you ok with getting married in five weeks at such a place?’ And I said yes, as I wanted to get married to him and I knew the big party was important to him.
What followed was 5 weeks of not eating anything, stressing about the marriage licence, five small girls who wanted to be bridesmaids, buying a (lovely) dress in less than 20 minutes because quite frankly it didn’t matter what I wore it would still be me in it.
I got my hairdresser of 20 years to do my hair however she thought would be nice, as again, it didn’t really matter. She recommended a makeup lady who put nice makeup on my face.
I had two glasses of champagne on an empty stomach while getting ready in the suite upstairs, put my big girl pants on and decided to forget about how I looked. I had a nice time, DH absolutely loved it and his friends still tell us it was the best wedding they’ve ever been to, which makes him feel ten feet tall and he looks at me like I hung the moon whenever anyone says anything.

The other thing that helped was telling myself that it wasn’t really about me. Yes the beginning bit with the vows in front of everyone was excruciating. I still get a bit of a tight chest thinking about it. But once we were legally married I had jobs to do, making sure I spoke to everyone, getting people in for pictures etc, and I enjoyed watching people enjoy themselves.

You’re right, it’s a hideous social convention having to dress up like a princess when you’re just an ordinary looking person over 35. But at every stage I just asked myself, do I look socially acceptable like this? Not, do I look like a princess.

I got married last July and I haven’t ordered a single photo yet, I have a mental block about it. Probably because I found the whole thing a huge challenge as an ordinary looking introvert and I can still feel a bit of anxiety when I think about certain bits.
I have a brilliant husband though so it was worth it in the end.
I hope you enjoy your wedding. It’s not silly to feel like you do.

@Caramelvanillafudge

I’m not uncomfortable with the whole wedding, *@KateMcCallister*. I’m happy to be getting married, the food, drink, music, all the rest of it. I’m sure it will be lovely.

But I don’t think we can completely ignore the fact there is pressure on brides to look attractive and when you don’t - when you can’t - it’s sad. And people DO look at the bride, there’s no getting around that.

@trumpisagit do I really need to point out that at no point have I suggested I don’t shower, brush my hair, etc?

Someone upthread asked if you'd rather not have this big do and you said yes, that's where I got the impression you'd rather not have one, apologies.

If it's just about how you look then you're right, everyone knows what you look like so you'll just be you, looking like you do normally, but in a big pretty dress. Get changed for the reception if it will make you feel more comfortable as "you" and not you in a big swishy dress.

I'm going to say it again though, being plain looking doesn't make you ugly. Being unattractive doesn't make you ugly. Being a horrible, spiteful, mean person makes you ugly and you don't seem to be any of those things. I hope you manage to enjoy your wedding day.

i think people tell brides they look beuatiful as they can't think of anything else to say.

But if you wore something funky - like a mad cardi, they would comment on that - How unusual - "so you" etc and it would not feel false?

I don't usually like photos of me, but we have some from Disney where we got a photopass and had the photographers around the park take TONS of pictures so we got used to posing, got enough without eyes open etc and found a few we liked. you could do that on a seperate day for some wedding pictures,

I also know, that if i tell my other half i want to marry in jeans and a hoody, then he would be fine with that. As he knows I am self conscious. He would probably encourage me to get a brand new jeans and hoody! treat myself but thats it.

I'm like you as well. Hate getting dressed up with make up, think I look like a kid playing dress up or something! I prefer looking natural and in tshirt and jeans. But the day is booked now, youve got your dress and your make up (tell her to hold the blush) and hair booked. I'm not going to suggest things that will make you feel better because I've been where you are and it's shit when you don't feel comfortable in yourself and how you look, nothing realistically is going to help. So just roll with it. TRY to have a good time and have fun, rather than worrying about what you look like. Don't keep looking in the mirror that day.

I agree with @LaForza101, just get through the performance. That's how I looked at it.

Wear what you want and do your own hair and make up. It's your day.

Op - I really feel for you.

I was significantly overweight when I got married. I bought a non-wedding dress as the last thing I wanted was to wear white. I did my own hair/makeup the way I always did.

No one told me I looked nice.

But I had a good day. The photographer got a couple of photos where we looked happy, so they're the ones I think of when I think of my wedding.

I hope you have a lovely day.

it isn’t about how DH feels about me, it’s about how I feel about me

You see, you're winning already; it takes a lot of insight to realise it's how you feel that matters, and by heck you've cracked it

Now all you've got to do is remember that your fiance and hopefully all the rest love you just as you are - self doubt, wobbles and all - and allow that to feed into your own happiness
And as PPs have said, a happy bride is a beautiful bride

Were you looking forward to the day before the hair and make up trial?

Does the dress fit at your current weight? (I had to get a friend to alter mine to add side panels to make mine fit as I hadn’t lost the weight I wanted.)

If the dress fits your current weight did you feel good in it when you tried it on first?

I’ve seen a few posts like yours before over the years on here by posters panicking they are going to look crap on their wedding day. They always inspire lots of very well meaning advice as it is human nature for us to want to help someone who is feeling down about themselves.

I’m not going to give you any diet advice as you’ve said you don’t want it but I just wanted to say a few years ago we were going on holiday and I had great plans to lose loads of weight. I didn’t. And I was six stone overweight a month before the holiday. I decided I would probably not manage to lose the six stone in the month (!) I had but if I lost half a stone I would probably feel better in myself. I did lose some weight and it did make me feel better even though nobody would actually notice. I knew and that was enough.

Regarding the make up I’ve found less is so much more when it comes to make up as I’ve gotten older. Especially eye make up and blusher.

I look much better with very light coverage make up. I’m quite red faced so use a CC cream called Eborian CC Red Correct. I use a slightly shimmery eye stick in a natural shade and some mascara. Top lashes only. And I’ve found a few lipsticks that lift my look a bit. And some that are just my lips but better. Power blusher doesn’t work any more. I actually use a little slick of the natural lipstick on my cheekbones and just blend it a bit. I look like me but just a bit better.

If you like your hair just do what you normally do.

Have you got comfortable shoes? I love the way most brides seem to change into trainers on their wedding day. Great idea.

If you don’t feel comfortable in the dress is it possible to find something you are more comfortable in? You could sell the original dress to recoup some of the cost?

You do say the dress is beautiful so if it is and you like it just try to enjoy wearing a beautiful dress?

It’s very hard to read your thread and not want to try to make you feel better in some way.

Good luck. I really hope you have a lovely day and feel happy.

@Caramelvanillafudge

Girl- you will look beautiful

See this is so lovely and sweet - but it also means I have to use harsher language than I would normally to try to get people to understand what I mean.

I don’t have body dysmorphia and I’m not even especially low in confidence. I just recognise I am an extremely plain, quite overweight, woman in her 40s and I really wish I had been firmer about not doing the proper wedding but I am stuck with it now!

And it’s a day when everyone talks about how you look, which means I will want to throw drinks at all my friends for lying to my face all day and saying I look radiant!

OK, well if there's nothing that can be done, I think its best to try and focus on the other aspects of the day. For pictures, work out your best angles practising in the mirror until you find the ones that make you feel less hideous, and have minimal photos in these poses. Nothing candid. Don't linger around mirrors getting depressed and distracted from the fun you could be having, and focus on other people and enjoying the day. People will tell you you look beautiful, they always do with brides, but to be brutally honest, most don't. They look like themselves in a big dress with unusual hair and make up. And they have a good photographer and know their best angles.

Arghhh, I’m an idiot.

What for?
Haven't RTFT as I got pissed off with too many responses demonstrating they don't know how to listen to you or are unwilling to accept your own view of what's unhelpful to hear back ...but I've read all your updates & can't see any idiocy.

If you think you're an idiot for having a feeling, & wanting to express it via a safe vent on an anonymous forum, the only idiocy is thinking that your own feelings & expressions are idiotic.
Yet I can't see any of that either. You state your case & make your points with the admirable clarity of a woman who is not an idiot.

From my side of the screen, I see a realistic, hilarious, incisively bright, pragmatic woman who has compromised her aesthetic preference for her wedding in order to allow her DH to enjoy the 'look of the thing' he feels is appropriate/his personal choice/whatever.

I just want to get married in jeans and a cardigan in a registry office

Is it genuinely 'too late' to have a small re-think, & sound out your fiance about the possibility of implementing some form of "guys - we're doing an Informal Attire theme, dress up if you wish, but we're going for comfort over convention, down-to-earth over fairytale" - (however you would wish to phrase this)?

You might be able to return the dress for even some of the money back ..? - in which case, you can rock your usual 'less is more' style.

However, I appreciate that the "dress down" notion might actually cause more organisation than you feel it's worth, or be a talking-point-too-far for certain guests, so that the whole notion of your own comfort on your own big day gets lost in the sheer hassle factor, & you end up dressed as you wish, but emotionally uncomfortable anyway.

So not a huge amount of help - more of a "here's an alternative so you can at least choose which is the lesser of 2 evils" but I hope a grain of understanding & comfort for you.

fwiw, I put on a stone before my last (in both senses!) wedding. Probably an act of unconscious sabotage, I really should not have wed that man but that's not the point.
The point is, I shot out to Monsoon 2 days ahead of the event, spent a whopping £60 on a plain cream not-too-bad frock, & actively chose to think "fuck it - just a day, just a frock, get over yourself."
Which is pretty much what I think you are doing. Well done us!
I hated my fat face, but loved my hair, loved hosting the local pub lunch, loved our garden location & informal evening bbq, loved my closest pals & family enjoying the shindig, & as soon as I was ready to, changed out of the adequate frock into jeans & shirt.

Nobody batted an eyelid. My day, my body, my clothes, my decision. Everyone, including me, was far too busy having a hoot to GAF.
Whatever you choose, enjoy yourself, Caramel. You sound like a top bird, your man is lucky to have you

There are things you can do to make yourself look and feel better - whether you do them is completely up to you.

But at the end of the day, everyone needs to accept and find peace with how they look.

Of course they can do things to improve their looks but everyone needs to look in the mirror and say something they like about themselves whether that’s your eyes, lips, clear skin, nails, height etc. And when you’re feeling like crap just focus on these good points.

@Caramelvanillafudge I understand it, I really do. I was also a plain, slightly overweight, frizzy haired forty something bride (complete with yellow teeth) a few years ago. I wore a small white hat to squash down my hair to avoid getting my hair done on the day! I wore a non wedding type of white dress, flat comfortable shoes and I did my own light makeup. My wedding photos look like me and we’re still happy together which is what really matters.

Ignore the advice to lose weight, get a spray tan etc you just need to be yourself, because that’s who your future DH is marrying. It’s ok to vent but honestly, you’re going to be fine

Is there an actress with a similar face shape that has a hairdo you like? I took a screenshot from a TV show and took it to the closest hairdresser to the venue and said, can you make my hair look like this (it was just a simple roll at the back, but I had no idea how to do it)? The hairdresser ended up more stressed than me! She insisted I come in beforehand so she could try out the style on me (at no extra charge) because she wanted to make sure she could do it on the day and within a set time. (She did a fantastic job, btw.)

In terms of makeup, I never wear any and was planning to just put a bit of mascara and lip balm on on the day, but didn't have time. It turned out fine. When I look back at photos, it's the best I've ever looked.

If you don't like the dress on you, choose something different. It doesn't have to be a 'wedding' dress - choose anything you are comfortable and feel beautiful in. Doesn't even have to be something new - is there something you already have that you could wear?

Do whatever you can to make yourself feel comfortable on your wedding day; don't try to live up to what you think other people's expectations may be. If you want to wear trainers, wear trainers (but get a new pair; not the scruffed grubby pair you may have been wearing for the last 3 years); if you feel better in jeans, wear jeans - buy a new, smart pair that suit your shape and wear them with a tuxedo jacket.

I am sure you will be stunning no matter what. As a few people have already commented, you look your best when you are happy and in love. It sounds trite, but it's true.